I told my GF

[sometimes_miss]

But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc.

^I don't think it's usually based on any of that at all (it might contribute to not liking it, but the base repulsion to MTF crossdressing I think it's rooted deeper than that. That some women are simply so sexually turned off by the idea of a feminized male that they simply cannot even consider the possibility of dating or marrying one of us. I understand this, because I feel the very same way about the idea of sex with a male. It's simply out of the question entirely. While I as a MTF crossdresser might be able to tolerate a woman who sometimes wishes to go the whole nine yards and dress up entirely in male clothes, talk like a male, walk like a male, and try to emulate a male, it would be a tremendous turn off for me, especially if she wanted to have sex dressed that way; I don't think I could 'function'. I'd be willing to try, but I really don't know if I could do it.

So, I understand where they're coming from when they say that they wouldn't ever consider it.

For Jessicaa, next time, test the waters first. First establish what she thinks about all the TG folks. Then, if that's ok, maybe the next step might be to see if NIMBY is in place, like if she ever dated anyone who was maybe bi. Then, if thatls ok, maybe try, "I used to be a crossdresser" as a last chance stopgap statement to see how she feels about THAT. If that passes muster, at a later date you can see if you can get away with telling her that you really, really feel the need to dress up 'a little', and ask if there's any way she would let you do it to allow you to de-stress.
At least, that's how I'd do it if I could do it all over again. But as it turned out, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, as my ex simply wouldn't tolerate it in any case at all.

Just some thoughts.

[phili]

My wife of 30 years did a lot of 'I can't live with this' which was along the lines of hinting/threatening 'I'll leave you'. Did a lot of thinking about it and the unfortunate part is that it really means that I am a
'man object' to her to a large degree. The gender binary tends to create a large amount of gender objectification, and we are in a sense reflecting that by trying to capture back parts of ourselves by adopting the clothing and externals allowed for women. It is not at all unusual to love someone who doesn't actually love you, and it is at times like this that you find out. She may also be negotiating- to see how deep this runs in you, and may rethink her position once you explain that it is a matter of identity- as tangled as it may be in externals normally reserved for women. Show her the movie The Mask You Live in" free on the computer- and have a talk about how it relates to your life. THere is a companion video about MissRepresetation, about the awful focus on appearance for women, and these powerful films can help people start to think about the deals with the devil they have made, and be more sympathetic.

[Krisi]

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?...........

Yep, big time. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment. Marriage often involves children and a home. It often involves in-laws and a large extended family. Breaking up a marriage is costly, both emotionally and financially. It usually doesn't end well for the male, especially if there are children.

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is a test for compatibility. Both parties are trying to decide if the other one is someone they want to live with for the rest of their lives.

If there is going to be a breakup, it's far better for it to happen in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage than in the marriage. It may suck, but not as much as it will after a divorce when you're living in a refrigerator box under the Interstate.

[Tina_gm]

1st, welcome to life outside the bubble. Second, for some of the replies, as well as the OP, we, by not coming out right at the beginning were basically creating a false image of ourselves. They fell in love with who YOU pretended to be. ALL of that person you showed yourself to be, at the time. Change the rules, change the game and then get upset they don't want to play..... WE trick them into falling in love with someone who we really are not then get upset because they do not like this person you really are. In time maybe she will come to see you as you are and be a little more ok with it. Some do, some don't. But don't blame it all on her for not accepting you, you weren't who you you pretended to be in the 1st place.

[xNicolex]

You need to be you Jessicaa. If you ''quit'' it won't be long until you feel the itch to dress again :/ If you haven't already, I'd advise you to ask her to take some time to at least try and educate herself on the matter. It's not fair to ask you to choose just like that without knowing anything about the psychology behind it or your feelings. If you ask me she sounds really selfish to just dismiss your entire persona and the huge step you took coming out about it. Whatever you decide to do make sure it's right for you too, don't live unhappily just to please someone else it's 50/50 in any relationship and there needs to be a middle ground for both of you. I hope it works out for you good luck.

[ellbee]

I don't understand -- how could this be? I thought everyone out there absolutely *adored* CD'ers?

Surely there must be some sort of misunderstanding, since only good things can happen to everyone in CD Fantasy Land! Maybe you just need to go shopping with some of the girls?



In all seriousness, OP, you're going to try to quit -- yet again? Go for it. But odds are it will only come back with a vengeance. And part of you will hold a grudge against your GF because of it, as long as you're together. Heck, you might even try sneaking behind her back -- I'm sure she'd just love that!


But try to work it out with her. And if she's still laying down the ultimatum? Well, maybe she's not the one for you.

Probably easy for me to say, but if someone tried pulling that crap with me, I'd kindly tell her to get stuffed.

[Kiersten]

It's a tough situation but You need to be true to yourself. Cross dressing is part of you, It will always be a part of you. Trust me suppressing or stopping will only bring you misery. You have to learn to embrace Jessica and enjoy the journey.

[Tina_gm]

I just want to reiterate that I am not saying nor do I feel the OP should live less than an authentic life.

It is not just our partners who are being selfish. We lied, tricked and manipulated them into thinking we are someone other than who we really are to make ourselves more desirable to them. Only to then later on give them our truth.

What really is more selfish than that? Well, like myself and many on here WE have a big new mountain to climb. Seeing as how WE put it there in the 1st place, WE should carry the bigger load. That is how I feel about it anyway.

[Jaylyn]

First of all let me say I don't believe in fairy tale love. I know there are soul mates as some say but even soul mates take a lot of work to make a relationship and marriage work. I say if she gave you an ultimatum to quit or she'd leave then I say good ridence. I know it hurts when you loose something you love but if the love you give is not returned then you are worse off than just staying together and you being partially satisfied. There would have always been something missing inside of you with out her approval and more than likely would have considered you less of a man. That's a tough statement to make since we are I tune with our feminine self. I say we are more manly to admit we have a female side that needs to be groomed from time to time. This is just my opinion and that's all. Good luck to you in finding someone that accepts you as you want to be accepted but just remember when you find that someone you must accept them and all their crazy little quirks that come with them. Just as this small part of us is who we are.

[suzanne]

I have a working definition to offer to all of you. Respect is the acknowledgment that something (or person or philosophy) has value BEYOND your present understanding. If you are on the receiving end of the ultimatum without any attempt to sympathize with you or understand you, that is the opposite of respect. It should be a deal breaker, and I have told my wife that it was for me. She has since gone from wishing I was dead to telling me when my outfit looks nice and even telling me she likes me in a skirt more than a dress.

It has been said here over and over that the femininity doesn't go away, it can only be hidden temporarily. We and our SO's have to find a way to make peace with it and embrace it and even, dare I say, enjoy it. If your SO exercises her prerogative and kills the relationship, she didn't really respect you anyway and you're better off without her.

[Kellitgdet]

I feel your pain, this is why do many of us are in a DADTRelationship. We are still with the ones we love and we will continue to love them unconditionally. With the hope of one day having more and more acceptance.

[MissTee]

I am one of the more fortunate in that my wife is supportive and understands my need to dress. Over time she's learned it's just a part of the man I am, and I still have a very strong "man mode" as she would say. It does take a very special woman to see things that way. I could not imagine keeping this a secret through decades of marriage, and you did the right thing by sharing.

[MelanieAnne]

If she's giving you ultimatums now, it will only get worse after you're married. If you give up crossdressing, she will find something else about you to change. It's a lot easier to break up with a girlfriend, than to get a divorce, and a lot less expensive. There are plenty of other women out there. The bus comes by every ten minutes. If you miss it, there will be another one along shortly.

[Julogden]

To be blunt, what she told you was that she didn't really love you, she loved the imaginary person that she invented and convinced herself that you are. Do you want to remain in a relationship based on that?

[PeggyNell]

Ultimately, the choice is yours. I don't know your details, but I can tell you from personal experience about being with someone that you can not give "all" of yourself to. CD is a one part of me that makes me whole ( I have to guess that is what we all here feel). I lived 15 years not being able to tell my SO. I brought it up when ever I could. If we was watching a TV show or we hear something on the news about Transgender. I was able to tell, I could not share my secret. But you, Jessica did the right thing! The brave thing. ( With respect) This is her problem not yours. This means she doesn't love you unconditionally. I do wish you the best. Today we are not together, but I am living my life as a CD, loving life and I can't turn back. YOU!! Will meet the right person. Don't settle for nothing less!!!!

[Gwyneth]

I am back, A couple months ago I came here asking for advice on telling my girlfriend. I told her. She directly said "Its me or the cross dressing" even after I told her she didnt need to have any part of it. I know it must have been extremely hard for her to hear and her reaction is somewhat understandable but I dont know how I feel about it. I have told her and she knew how much I trust her and how much I love her, I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this. Im baffled to say this least and extremely hurt.

Ultimately I told her I would try and stop but after years of dressing and purging I dont know if I can. What should I do? What would you do? I love her and want to be with her but cross dressing is also a part of my life. This is such a horrible situation to be in.

Seriously we all give up something of ourselves in a mutual relationship. Two people never get everything their way. Everybody has to figure out what to give up. Sometimes its merely a hobby. Sometimes its as life-changing as a job/career/residence. Some even give up family relationships when the family members reject the significant other. Its been said maybe if you give this up somewhere down the road you will be asked to give up something else. True. There's many time in these situations that one can develop a dominate roll. And believe me its hard to forecast and harder to handle when it gets to be too much.

The answer might not be so simple, but as a wise proverb says: "Life wouldn't be so hard if we didn't think it was supposed to be so easy!"

[Danielle001]

I told my wife 4 months before we got married, and the initial reaction was not good. It almost broke us up. As she explains herself now, at the time she said that she had an "ideal" image of a husband in her mind, and crossdressing wasn't a part of that ideal. So when I told her, she didn't know how to handle it. Then there was the other element of me keeping a secret from her for so long (we dated for almost 7 years by the time I told her). She also had worries that a lot women in the same situation have... Is he gay? Is he going to want to live full time as a woman? Etc..

Don't say that you're going to stop dressing. This may be a temporary fix, but is not good in the long run. The desire to dress will return. You'll probably end up doing it secretly behind her back, or even start resenting her for making you suppress that side of you.

I've come to accept that CDing is a part of me and makes me who I am as a person. My wife has also realized this as well. This is one of the many reasons that I believe we are truly meant to be together. We have now been married 6 years and she is fully accepting of Danielle. But reaching this point definitely didn't happen overnight. Give your GF some time to process her feelings about it. Communication is key. Things may get better over time. If not then, it's sad to say, but maybe you weren't meant to be together. I wish the best of luck to you though!

[Jan_Muller]

I didn't (originally) lie to my wife as much as I lied to myself, believing I could put that part of who I was away and never see it again. Of course, I couldn't. By the time I had come to that realization, however, we were married and otherwise quite happy. Frankly, when she found my stash after 20 years, I was relieved that it was finally out. We're still working through the aftermath, but it looks like our marriage will survive. She did NOT embrace that side of me, but we have a modus vivendi.

[MelanieAnne]

Point out to her that it hasn't affected your marriage for the past 20 years, and there's no reason it will now.