Worried About CDing for All the Wrong Reasons

[Christina D]

Ok, so, full disclosure time...one of the main reasons I joined this forum was to gauge how much crossdressing truly means to me. That is to say, do I actually care about making dressing a significant part of my life, or am I just going through a phase?

Yep, I'm going to stop myself right there. I know that the phrase "it's just a phase" is one of the most insensitive things to say to/about any LGBTQ person, but if I'm being honest, it's the most difficult question (and believe me, I have plenty) that I'm facing right now.

To clarify, I've only been seriously crossdressing for about 1 month. When I say "seriously," I mean actually making an attempt to pass and think of myself as anything other than a cisgender man (I'm thinking gender fluid?). I dressed in women's clothes/drag as a clear joke during Halloween twice, but only recently have I actually been putting effort into doing my makeup to legitimately feminize my face, dress in practical, tasteful women's clothes, and act as I genuinely feel in the moment of being dressed (as opposed to "acting" like a woman for comedic effect). Yes, yes, I know, I'm ashamed for having ever even thinking that crossdressing is a funny, outrageous stunt. That being said, even when I DID dress to be "funny" and "outrageous," I did, on a very significant though deeply repressed level, enjoy it beyond those reasons.

This brings me to my problem though. Now that I've been doing more soul-searching about my gender, I'm still finding myself questioning my intentions. Since growing up beyond my aforementioned juvenile experiences, I've become increasingly invested in LGBTQ issues. For example, I'm a teacher and have dedicated most of my extracurricular output to supporting the LGBTQ Center at my school. This, however terrible it might sound, brings me to my first "wrong intention;" do I only THINK I like crossdressing/am non-gender conforming BECAUSE I've dedicated so much time and effort into supporting and reading about LGBTQ issues? Am I experiencing some kind of Stockholm Syndrome to being a part of the LQBTQ community?

I recently began a topic on this forum that has garnered quite a bit of attention...some of which, I feel, isn't for the best of reasons. I'm referring to my "Influence of Girls Toys, Games, and Media" topic. Several replies to that topic (and even a couple private messages to my inbox) suggest that I'm trying too much to justify or find excuses for my crossdressing and that doing so is reflective of personal anxieties that I'm experiencing--that I should just embrace who I am rather than worrying too much about why I am who I am.

To be clear, I'm glad that others are questioning me on this; I'm not insulted or trying to sound indignant. If anything, those responses have gotten me thinking about this underlying issue even more. What I've been thinking about most these past few days relates back to my concern in THIS topic and my second "wrong reason." That is, am I trying to explain, rationalize, and justify my crossdressing BECAUSE I'm uncertain about it being "a phase?" If I truly am genderfluid, shouldn't I be less worried about wanting to explain it? If it's true, shouldn't it be easier for me to just accept it? Doth I protest too much?

I have other concerns about dressing for the wrong reasons too, like "Am I crossdressing just to be edgy/cool?"

Urgh, I feel like I'm digging myself into an even deeper hole at this point, so I'd better stop. I guess the best I can do is pose my concern as a question to you all: When you started crossdressing, did you worry about it being "just a phase?" And if so, how did you overcome those worries? How/when did you know this would be a lifelong, significant part of your life and identity?

[Pat]

What do you imagine this "phase" might be? What phase would make a cisgender male come up with an answer that involves putting on women's clothes? Personally, I don't think there is one. If you find this behavior appealing at all then there's something worth examining. If you feel better when you dress in women's clothes at any time or for any reason, there's something worth examining. So I'd suggest you rule out "phase" from the list of rationalizations. Nobody can tell you the why of you, only you can discover that, but there's something there that deserves your introspection.

[ronda]

I don't think any body crossdresses to be cool if it was the cool thing to do everybody would be doing it and my life would have been much easier I grew up dressing felt ashamed alone there was no internet to refer to I just knew I was different then most of the guy I knew and the more I resisted the more I wanted to do it your trying to justify dressing in womens clothes you don't have to do that just relax and enjoy it (if it feels right then its right if it feels good just do it ) have fun be you

[Christina D]

I don't think any body crossdresses to be cool if it was the cool thing to do everybody would be doing it

The reason I said this and why I'm worried about it is that there's definitely a stereotype about Millennials (which I am) that being non-gender conforming is cool and hip. People will often point to social media's (especially Tumblr) overflow with LGBTQ issues as evidence of the disingenuous fascination with being LGBTQ. In short, identifying as LGBTQ is an easy way to earn street-cred among hipsters and Millennials.

[Peggie Lee]

And sometimes people just overthink things , "it is what it is" can be hard for some to accept.

[Lana Mae]

Christina, I did not worry about it being a phase as I had worn panties at around 6 and in teen years, and again in my 30's and 40's. When I finally figured it all out I was 65! My answers are: 1. it is not a "phase" 2. no phase no worry 3. 65 Dressing is my feminine side being me as it is just a different aspect of the same person! I guess that answers your questions as best I can! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jenniferathome]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

[Nikki.]

I started crossdressing when I was 5, about 40 years ago. I have no idea how I felt about it, other than when my parents caught me and told me not to wear those clothes because they were my mom's. That didn't stop me, so then I felt ashamed and guilty when I continued to do so. Then as I got older I recognized society didn't approve. So I've had a lifetime to feel ashamed and embarrassed. Now I believe that the gender identity mapping of my brain somehow went askew, and I accept it is the way I shall be forever, and while weird, it doesn't make me a bad person, I'm fine and just gender variant.

I do it because I have an ingrained compelling need to express a part of my gender identity. I don't do it to be cool. I have no idea why anyone would really choose to be a crossdresser, but the more the merrier. Hopefully it will make it easier for everyone.

[Aunt Kelly]

Christina,

As others have communicated to you, you seem to be looking for a reason or an explanation for "why I am this way". I am no expert, but I have been at this long enough to hear enough completely different reasons and explanations to come to the conclusion that there is no universal reason or explanation. If that's what you are looking for, prepare to be disappointed. There are common threads, to be sure, but there is far more variation than commonality. Pursuing knowledge about yourself is a worthy pursuit. If you find that ah-ha moment, great, but again, most of us don't. So don't worry about it. Your happiness is all the validation you need. Keeping in mind that there may be impact on others, you'll want to keep their feelings in mind, of course, but in the end you must live with yourself first.
FWIW, I have had those same doubts, as I suspect most of us have. "Why am I like this? Where will it end? How much like a woman do I want to become?", etc. I have a pragmatic streak a mile wide, so being honest with myself is usually not that hard, and I was able to arrive at answers I could believe. I'm pretty sure that not all of us are so lucky, for reasons both internal and external. For that reason, counseling is often a good suggestion. Again, looking for answers there doesn't mean you're "broken". I just means that sometimes we lack the perspective or skills necessary to come up with those "believable" answers.
At any rate, you're very pretty and if being that way makes you feel good, why would you not be that way when you can?

Hugs,

Kelly

[Tracii G]

I think you need to ask yourself rather than us because maybe you need to hear it from yourself and not a stranger.
Being aware of LGBT issues is fine but I do think you do it out of guilt which is such a huge thing people have problems with these days.
White guilt, wealthy guilt etc.
Millennials for example seem to find reasons to feel guilty about things because they feel they are supposed to feel guilty about their lives.
EMO's used to be the same way.
They have been brought up in an era of immediate gratification and parents over sheltering them.
I for one think you need to stop over thinking things just lay back and go with the flow and let time help you figure out things.
Your age group is in such a damn rush about everything.

[Lori Kurtz]

Here's one girl's opinion: there is no wrong reason for crossdressing. Just do it, and enjoy it.

[Contessa]

I am actually no longer crossdressing. All the clothes I have are mine and they are the only clothes I have so no crossdressing. I would say to you figure out what wearing the other clothes does for you and compare that feeling to where you are with the feminine ones. If they both make you feel the same you are possibly a crossdresser if not maybe something more. I couldn't do the back and forth that made me realize what I had to do. If you are young maybe you should just crossdress and have children first and see what life could be without it the only problem are your feelings. I believe that you must be the master of your feelings. Crossdressing means you don't have to give a regular CIS life existence.

[Dana44]

I think of you are gender fluid, Yeah there a time that you will be male and then fem. NO need to explain to anybody because they do not understand about gender fluid people. I now that because I am gender fluid and yes you will be a girl maybe for some time. So don't over think it as you will find out about yourself over time.

[Christina D]

Millennials for example seem to find reasons to feel guilty about things because they feel they are supposed to feel guilty about their lives.

That is so true. I was also raised Catholic, so I know aaaaall about guilt.

In all seriousness, thank you all so much for the advice so far. I'm just glad no one thinks I'm a monster for having these thoughts (the doubts I'm having, not the desire to crossdress). This community is the best. :'-)

[immindy]

yep , I suspect that you are thinking to hard about this . The answer is that you are cross dressing because you like it . Now, the reason why you cross dress may take some time to figure out . But , for now, just enjoy

[Scarlett398]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

Well said, Jennifer!....Scarlett

[Vickie_CDTV]

Christina, everyone is different. It is hard to say why you dress, sure it could be a phase (very unlikely) but it is plausible, stranger things have happened. Regardless of where you go with it, just be careful, and go into it with both eyes open.

As for the world in general, I wouldn't rule out there are some (albeit very few) people out there who might claim to be trans* for victim points. There are some folks in this world who are troubled and highly suggestible. Tumblr is full of people like that (trans and otherwise) who scream "I am a special oppressed minority!" looking for victim points.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Christina,
I think what you're experiencing is just a phase, a phase of your crossdressing that is.
I, and many other I suspect, started out just wearing panties, nylons, or lingerie. For some
of us, that is still enough to satisfy our desires, and others move on to do more. Possibly trying
our hand at makeup, or buying a wig. Eventually buying our own clothes. You'll see a lot of us
buying those sexy little numbers that aren't really worn by many women our own age. (Guilty!)
We'll be happy wearing these outfits around the house, sharing pics online, all the while we are
learning more and more about our community, and how people do things. And then the day comes
that you find yourself thinking... Hell! Now I want to go out in public, I need to blend. At that point
You really start honing those makeup skills, put together some "blendy" outfits, and eventually find
yourself at the mall.
This whole thing is a series of "phases", the questioning and doubt is part of it too.
If you get any amount of satisfaction purely for your own gratification, you're doing it for the right reason.
How cool is that!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Scarlett398]

That's right, Lori..Just do it because it's enjoyable, fun, sensual, sexy, and exciting. Even relaxing. Enjoy every minute of it and don't ever feel guilty about cross dressing. I used to feel guilty but not anymore. It's just a huge part of my being now and I accept it and have lots of fun with it!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Hell, that's a really cool post that sums all phases up in short order...Great job! I wish my wife were out of town more than once or twice a year...I would go out more often!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I really enjoy this forum as well. I can't talk about this cross dressing I do with my wife or any of my friends or relatives. They just wouldn't understand it. For the first time in my life I'm about to take photos of me dressed up into a place like Sallie's Beauty Supply or Sephora and show a few girls who don't know me some of my photos and get some honest feedback from them. I can't to this with the folks mentioned above. I still haven't figured out how to post photos on this site. My photos are all too large and won't post on this site. My technology skills are highly inept! I would love to post them and get feedback from the folks on this forum...Scarlett

[immindy]

0 , And BTW you do look awesome

[Becky Blue]

Christina firstly you look awesome. Secondly you are still young and how you feel today may differ next week, month or year and will most likely be very different in the future as it is quite common for the sorts of feelings you are having to intensify in later life.

As regards you concerns, I don't think a traditional male of any age dresses as a woman other than perhaps for a dressup party unless there they are somewhere on the gender continuum and you have nothing to feel guilty about, what you are doing is hurting no one.

[raeleen]

Wow, Christina. Just came across this thread, and this has been something I've been trying to dig into for myself as well over the last couple of years. I wish we'd met while I was in still in Chicago! I find this stuff is easiest to sort out over a couple of drinks.

I've really been trying to understand what exactly my dressing means, and as I've dug into that, it's been an amazing (and very cathartic) process of unpacking who I am and how my gender identity helps shape me. One of the things that's really helped has been going to therapy. Being able to work with someone to push through the shame and guilt I felt growing up, understanding my needs and wants, and figuring out where to look to for support and how to stop rationalize/push away/beat myself up over the dressing has been really productive. If you're up for it, I would totally suggest therapy. During the process I've really come to peace with the fact that this isn't a phase, it never was, and that it's not just about the clothes, but really who I am. I identify as bigender/gender fluid with a strong femme side, and I'm happy with that.

I also think finding others like you in the area to build support and have as a sounding board would be great. Have you checked out any of the groups as Howard Brown or the Center on Halsted? I know they have support groups and programs that might be useful.

Or maybe you're not really looking for advice and just need to hear that it's all ok. I think lots of the feedback from folks on the thread sounds good and that whatever you draw from it will hopefully be helpful. Whatever the case, you are ok, there's nothing wrong with all your questioning and thinking, and I think it'd be weird if you weren't asking questions!

And finally, I'm just sending a big hug to say good luck with the process. I'm hear if you need a shoulder.

Best,
Raeleen

PS - and as others have said, you look awesome, girl!

[IamWren]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

Well said, Jennifer!....Scarlett

I couldn't disagree more.
No matter the generation there are those that blatantly show their nonconformity in an effort to show how hip, cool, cutting edge (insert your favorite word or phrase that is the equivalent) they are.

In the mid and late 80s we were wearing mascara, donning club-kid attire, listening to The Cure, Yaz and New Order and going to the new wave club.

In the 70s it was Ziggy Stardust, The Clash and LSD.

In the 60s it was long hair, marijuana and the Beatles.

This generation's vehicle for nonconformity is LGBTQ issues from supporting and being allies to full on gender bending.

You're wrong. The only reason boys wear girls' clothes is not as black and white and simple as being a crossdresser or TS in denial.

[DarthDaddicus]

I only recently began cross-dressing because my wife and I didn't really know why I was the way I was in many aspects of my life and through the multitude of decisions I've made. Now that I've accepted what I am, a lady, it is much easier to identify what my expressive issues are with others and why I don't understand men at all. Now that I realize I am a woman, however, I feel I don't need to wear the clothes anymore to bring that aspect of myself out in the open. She'll always be me regardless of what clothes I wear. That doesn't mean I don't like the attention I get when I look pretty. I sure do! I also am amazed at how much I can possibly look at myself when I'm dressed as a woman. Before, I could only stand about five minutes in front of the mirror getting ready. Now that I see her in the mirror behind my eyes, I am able to appreciate myself more. I'm not sure if I answered your question though. This is now a life-long part of who I am. Dressing, however, is insignificant.

[Tracii G]

Don't let your CDing define who you are Christina you are still the same person just a different side of that person.
You don't have to give up one side for the other.