I had a fascinating session with my therapist today, where we discussed my theory that it's a lack of acceptance of myself as a crossdresser that is holding me back. I think we may have gotten to the bottom (or at least much closer) to what my real issues are, and perhaps it really isn't that after all. As I mentioned earlier, this is more smoke and mirrors on my end, trying to cover up the deep rooted fears I have about sharing too much of myself. I won't bore you with all the details, but the theory we've worked out is that I have spent so much of my life suppressing my anger, in any form, that it's affected my self confidence. Basically, that paranoid voice inside that whispers all your worst fears and insecurities always wins, because there's no "inner anger" to tell that guy to go f--- himself! This makes a lot of sense for me, and really has affected many areas of my life. Just having that realization helps, because I would get so crazy trying to figure out why after all this time, I still can't get over this hump! I feel like now I have something to work towards.
I was thinking about something Tracii said (may have been in a different thread) about how her being an alpha male amongst other alpha males should've made it more difficult to accept this feminine side, yet that isn't the case at all for her. But really, that illustrates my point perfectly. The inner strength and confidence associated with alpha-type personalities would make it easier to just say, "the heck with it, this is who I am and I could give a rats ass what other people think." And that is SO not me.
So yes, I'm feeling more accepting of my feminine self again, thanks to this thread (and to my therapist). I'm hopeful that this newfound realization will help me be more like Tracii! :D
