Hi everyone,

I am Joey, and I new to the forum. I’m 33 years old, newly married to a woman, and have been crossdressing since I was a very young boy, mainly in lingerie. I’ve continued to do this in secret over the years- often purchasing sexy lingerie and then throwing it away after a few days, feeling ashamed and “weird.” I am a very masculine man- bearded, athletic, avid ice hockey player, etc. No one in my life would ever suspect this side of me.

I know there is a spectrum among crossdressers- some do it solely for sexual gratification and others do it because they feel they are inherently female or have a strong female side that needs to come out. My “need” (for lack of a better word) has been mostly sexual much of my life. Though I feel that may be changing somewhat…as a few weeks ago for the first time I wore a wig and makeup when my wife wasn’t home. The experience was exhilarating…and unlike prior times I have dressed, this time I didn’t throw my belongings away. So, regardless of where I fall on the spectrum, there is clearly a feminine side of me that needs to come out every now and then.

As I have started coming to terms with this over the past few weeks, I have started to have mixed emotions about it, especially with regards to my wife (a very hot topic on this forum!). I never thought of telling anyone, let along my wife, about this side of me. In fact, I would say that for my whole life, I haven’t really been honest with myself about it. I’ve kind of just ignored and suppressed it over the years, which I guess I have realized feels quite lonely. This loneliness actually led me to getting an account on this forum, so I can have some release and talk freely about this part of me without embarrassment, shame, or denial. That being said, it has felt quite cathartic even typing these thoughts that will be read by other like-minded people. 😊

I recently wrote a letter to my wife, explaining my crossdressing to her. It is honest, LONG, and genuine. I wrote it without the intention of giving it to her…I kind of just wanted to see what I would say and how it would feel. Now that I wrote it, I can’t stop thinking about giving it to her, which is terrifying. She is a progressive and caring woman, but I can also see her being freaked out and possibly ever disgusted. So it can honestly go either way. I am also wondering what the point of telling her is…? I guess on one hand, it would be a big step for me in that I will finally be acknowledging and embracing a part of myself I have denied for so long. Also, I feel like I am hiding something from my wife, and I want us to be open with other about anything. How can I lead a genuine life with her (and myself) if I keep this from her? I also don’t want to feel any guilt or shame, and I can’t see not feeling that way as long as she is in the dark about this. I think she would want to know, I just hope she won’t leave me for it. If that were to happen, I think I would forever wonder if telling her was worth it…perhaps I should just embrace a side of myself that is solely for ME, and not tell anyone else...

Confused,

Joey

ps- I will post a pic of myself once I get chance to