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Thread: an introduction and a common dilemma

  1. #26
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    [QUOTE=CONSUELO;4169513]Joey,
    Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of resources here. I would suggest you spend some time looking at threads with similar questions and issues to the one you have posed.
    Your cross dressing journey sounds like that of so many of us here. Your desire to dress will become stronger over time and you will find that dressing completely is what you really want. It may take five years or it may take ten but I am sure you will end up with a strong desire to dress completely as a woman


    Thank you for the input and advice, Consuelo. Do most of you other ladies agree that we all "progress" to wanting to dress completely as a woman? Is that the case for majority? I guess i am not sure if my crossdressing goes beyond the thrill of heels and lingerie. I have read (on this forum mainly) that many crossdressers start out doing it because of the sexual arousal, which eventually fades while the dressing continues. Part of me isn't sure how to feel about that...especially when I consider that I don't grt to "indulge" in this desire of mine too often since it is a secret.

    Now I have a whole new load of anxiety lol. If I tell my wife about my crossdressing and she supports it, will it inevitably progress if I have the "freedom" to do it more often...? Pretty loaded question I havent really thought about...

  2. #27
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Joey, welcome to the forum first up.

    I would not recommend giving your wife the letter, it is something that has to be worked out between you.

    There are a number of guidelines and tutorials written by others that have come out to their spouses and explain the pitfalls in doing this a certain way.

    Before making any rash decisions read what others have to say and ask lots of questions, no matter how trivial they seem.

    Most questions have been asked previously so look back through past posts and see how others have handled it.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  3. #28
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forum Joey, A lot has been said already. I came out to my SO and it was rocky for days. But got way better over time.
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  4. #29
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    Welcome Joey.
    I woun't tell you what to do but keep the letter in a marked envelope with her name on the front
    Most all women snoop and she will eventually find it trust me on that one. When she finds it either she will accept it or will not thats the chance you take.
    Being early in your marriage IMO its best to tell because later on 5 to 10 years down the road you will be made out to be a liar and or a pervert.
    Trust will be lost then the divorce will happen and you will become a poor working stiff living in a one bedroom apt or your car while she lives in the house with her new man while you pay the house payment.
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  5. #30
    Member KymG's Avatar
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    The toughest decision.
    You can listen to all the advice in the world, but in the end i feel you have to go with your gut instinct.
    Easy for me to say as i'm not married, but out to some people, however, if i was in your shoes right now, i believe i would give her the letter.
    Regardless of the outcome, you will find support on this forum.
    Best of luck.

  6. #31
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    Joey, what I write will not be the popular response. But hear me out.
    The chances of blowing up your marriage are great. I've been there. Over and over in my head, I went through the routine, how I'd tell her, how she might respond, and every time, I decided that all of the good things about me surely outweighed the crossdressing. Oh, how wrong I was. This isn't something that women look upon with a rational, logical eye. No, this is all about how they feel.

    We meet a mate, and in our minds we form an image of who we believe them to be; this image is a collection of everything we know about them, as well as all the traits we 'assign' to them based on who we believe them to be. And one of the most important, is who and what we believe them to be, as far as if we are sexually attracted to them. When we're dating virtually all women believe us to be masculine men. Even if we don't possess all alpha male traits, we have enough of them to be attractive to the woman we're dating. She believes that we will uphold all the responsibilities inherent in a male-female relationship, protecting her, providing for her, caring for her, caring for any children that you may have with her. If and when she discovers that you aren't the 'all male, all the time' guy that she thinks you are, all the sexual desire can go right out the window. Seen now as a sissy, a girly guy, can easily put doubt into her mind as to if you'll live up to your responsibilities. See, self control is also a manly trait. You're supposed to be able to control your emotions, your desires, and not do anything foolish. And, of course, dressing up as a girl, is considered by virtually all women, as something foolish for a man to do. so you lose 'man points' just allowing yourself to do this.

    If her sexual desire for you starts to wane, as a young, sexually active female, she may start looking elsewhere for a different, 'really' male person to make her feel sexually desirable, and if that happens, your relationship is all but over. Sure, she may still care for you like a brother/sister, but the passion can easily be gone.

    I made my mistake long ago. I hadn't crossdressed in over ten years. I really thought I had 'beaten it'. So I didn't even consider telling my wife to be that I used to crossdress. But several stressful years into our marriage, the desire came back, with a vengeance. And one day, I accidentally left out a slip. Sitting at the breakfast table, my wife walked in, holding it, asking, 'what's this?'. I only had seconds to decide whether to make up a lie, or tell the truth. Having gone over it a thousand times in my head, and really believing that in the end, she would be ok with it, I told her the truth. I could have lied; I could have told her it belonged to a woman, that I had cheated on her. I knew that many marriages survive one time infidelity. But I chose wrong, because we're all conditioned to be truthful, the truth shall set you free and all that jazz. Well, it set me free, alright. And it eventually cost me everything I had, and put me deep in debt as well.

    It was the beginning of the end. We wound up with a therapist, where my wife admitted that had I told her before we got married, she never would have married me. This despite all the books, the marriage counselor, the online support groups, NOTHING would change her mind. She didn't want a girly guy for a husband. The sex stopped first, then she started going out alone. I was by then busy with full timework and full time school, so I didn't even realize what was going on. She had found someone else.
    So, decide which way to go. Despite the urge to be fair to her, you could be sentencing yourself to a lifetime of living alone; there are few, VERY few women out there that will accept a crossdresser as a mate, and even less who are enthusiastic about it. There's currently ONE single woman on this forum, ONE. There have been a few others. And over 25,000 men. In reality, the odds are even worse than that. You're more likely to win the lottery than find a woman who gets turned on by your crossdressing, and is compatible with the rest of who and what you are as well.

    I wound up divorced, and found out just how rare those women are. I posted one ad on AOL's dating site, and would routinely get over 50 responses. I posted the same ad stating that I like to crossdress and got only responses from prostitutes. This had been the pattern. In the twenty years I've been divorced, there have only been a handful of real women who have responded, and by that, I mean the number you can count on your fingers. A few who said that they could accept it, could not. They turned out to just be so desperate for a man to date, that they lied about being okay with the crossdressing.

    Here are the stats that I found back in the 90's when I was reading everything I could get my hands on, referring to my chances of finding a mate who knew I was a crossdresser, and the interesting thing is how the odds were almost exactly halved with each category. Only about 6 percent of women think it's okay for a man to crossdress, ever, but not anyone in her family, nor anyone she would date. About 3 percent would accept a family member or friend, but not anyone that she would date. Now, about 1.5% said that they could accept a man who crossdresses, as a potential mate. Now here's where it got even worse: When with the therapist, when discussing this, she mentioned that of all the couples that she had counseled, of the women that had initially thought that they could handle their husband's crossdressing, again, half eventually could not, and broke off the marriage. So that leaves 0.75 percent of women who would even think of staying in a marriage to a crossdresser.

    That's what you are facing. 0.75%. All I can say, is keep quiet, and slowly bring up the topic. See how she responds to watching movies such as Wong Foo, and other crossdressing films. Don't all of a sudden just start bringing home ONLY crossdresser movies. Start with other indie films, and chance upon one that features a character that crossdresses. We have several threads that list those movies, and you should make sure it's ONLY about crossdressers, not about characters who go on to transition, because once she has that firmly in her mind, she may decide 'for you' that you must be a transsexual, only in denial. That's what probably happened to me. No matter what I said, my wife believed the horror stories she had heard in her support groups, and would no longer believe either me OR our therapist.

    The end result, has been that I have resolved myself to short term relationships. I date, and carefully introduce topics that will lead me to discover how she will take it if I come out as a crossdresser. It's been 20 years now, with no positive results yet. And once I know that it's 'no go', I have to find a way to eventually gently break up with them.

    So this is what you might have to deal with. Your chances are not good. You can gamble, and just give her your letter, but you might come home one day to a house with the locks changed, your bank accounts emptied, credit cards cancelled, maybe even your car gone if she's upset enough to report it stolen on you. My ex even took pictures of me dressed in girl clothes, which she eventually used as blackmail during the divorce.

    So. Consider the worst possible results before doing ANYTHING. If you can accept the worst, and are prepared to deal with it, then and ONLY then, proceed. And remember, neither luck nor the odds are on your side in this one.

    Now, go and think seriously about all this.

    Good luck. You're going to need it.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 11-10-2017 at 05:02 AM.

  7. #32
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    Sometimes_miss,
    I just want to say what a great post that was. I think it's very important for people like you to point out the ugly side to what can potentially happen. It feels good to say, "just tell the truth!", but this is reality and anything can happen.

  8. #33
    Junior Member ShelleyTVUK's Avatar
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    Yes it could absolutely go either way and good to get a perspective from all sides.

    I think how people felt in the 90's is very different to how people feel now though. From my experience of reading forums etc before coming out to my own wife I think things are a lot more favourable and there is a lot more acceptance in general although still no where near as much as it should be. As others have said in other threads it tends not to be so much about the dressing but whether you are gay or whether you want to go full time. That is the thing I up against most and although I constantly reassure her she just can't get her head around the fact that sex and sexuality are two different things.

  9. #34
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    Lots of great points all around here.

    Last night my wife and I had a little debate about how she likes to sometimes watch lesbian porn. I asked her how she would feel if i watched gay porn, and her response was that she would feel weird about and wonder if i was gay or would be gay one day in the future. I called her out on the double standard, and she was able to admit and see how she was being unfair in that hypothetical situation. It was a light hearted conversation and even ended with her asking if i wanted to try to wafch gay porn. We had a little wine in us and i almost came clean about the lingerie.

    Part of me feels good about the conversation and im thinking of perhaps telling her that its something i used to do and never told anyone. Maybe be honest that the thoughts sometimes creep up. That might be a good way to see how she feels about it, rather than saying- "hey so i do this when youre not home occasionally." If her eyes turn red "about something from my past i want to share with her, it would be a sign that she pribably wont react well to me starting it up again. Thoughts?

  10. #35
    Junior Member ShelleyTVUK's Avatar
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    That's not a bad idea. If she sometimes watches lesbian porn then she is probably at least open to a possible lesbian fantasy with you.

    Next time the lesbian thing comes up you could say something like "Many years ago a girl I used to go out with got me to put some of her clothes on so we could act out one of her fantasies" or along those lines perhaps and see how she reacts.

  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoeyGirl1213 View Post
    im thinking of perhaps telling her that its something i used to do
    While that's a safer way of doing it, it still does present her with the idea that you're perhaps not as masculine as she originally thought. So it's not a foolproof way of finding out how she feels about crossdressing. There are all kinds of ways you can go about this, but the concept will have to remain 'something I USED TO DO', rather than something that you're currently doing. If that concept passes the 'sniff test', and she doesn't bring it up, at some point in the future you can conveniently be 'caught' looking at one of her Victoria's Secret, Venus, or some other fem catalog or periodical, perhaps conveniently looking at a pretty outfit for a bit longer than is appropriate for a guy just leafing through the magazine to enjoy the eye candy. The 'something I USED TO DO' could leave you an out, especially if she asks WHEN you 'used to' crossdress. At that point it's open to you how long ago you declare you were actively crossdressing. The tale can be anything from occasionally trying on a sister/cousin/aunt's clothes, to some sort of experimental phase you went through in, oh, high school when perhaps you wondered what it was like for girls to wear 'all that stuff' every day; the idea being that it was sort of knowledge seeking expedition about what the other sex has to live with in their day to day lives. And leave any mention of it being a sexual turn on, out of discussion for now. Why? Because it's not necessary to whether she will accept crossdressing or not. If she does accept it, and she either allows or encourages you to crossdress, you can always THEN admit to feeling a little frisky in 'these sexy clothes', and then pull her close to you for a kiss. But that's in the future if everything else comes together.

    These were just some of the ideas that I have thought about doing in the past. The furthest I've ever gotten, was someone who was okay with SOME men being crossdressers, but she didn't want it to be anyone she was close or related to (this was back right after Caitlyn Jenner had come 'out'). The NIMBY syndrome is still in full force with most of the so called normal folks.

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