Why worry? But worry I do.

[Charlotte7]

I'd like to think that, like many on here I have quite a good CD radar when out and about. This morning was a case in point. As I walked across the city from the station to the office, I became aware of a person about 20 yards ahead of me. They were presenting as a woman about town. Perhaps it was the short boyish hair (GG can have short boyish hair), maybe it was the line of the hips, the shape of the calf, the boxy shoe in a larger size. Maybe it was a combination of all of these. But my CD radar was definitely activated. My suspicions were heightened when I drew level as they were held up at a road crossing. The face was boyish. The lights changed and we went our separate ways. Now, I follow the very good advice that is common here, that if you see a CD out and about, then you should leave them to get on with their business and not draw attention to them or to you. Also, the CD radar is not infallible. But, and this is the point of this post, I had followed them for three or four minutes across a busy city centre and not one (other) person gave them a second glance. They were presenting a female and the populace as a whole just accepted that they were. Now, I am a closeted CD, I have the freedom to dress as I want but I choose not to go out. I simply lack the confidence. And yet, here was proof, in front of me, that of you have the confidence, if you make the effort to present, not necessarily fully convincingly, but sufficiently well to be acceptable, then nothing happens, you don't even register to those who pass by. And here we come to another thing, what's the worst that could (generally) happen? Someone might think, ‘Oh look, there's a cross dresser’. Sometimes I wish I had that bit of extra confidence.

[Isabella Ross]

Good post. I've had the same thing happen. And have several friends who are about and about, day and night, without second thought. For me, however, it's pretty hard. I have the confidence to know that I look pretty good, but there is one inescapable fact: I am 6'2" in stocking feet. And I just can't fly under the radar because of my height. When I do go out, it's at night, and part of the experience is just kind of accepting that I get clocked. But these are special occasions for me. To go out often, in the day, etc., will never happen for me because I just don't like being the center of attention, in girl or boy mode. And invariably, because of my height, that's what I am in girl mode.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Charlotte,
Thanks for taking this beyond..."I saw a sister in public".

Other than the stalking part of this...what a great experience,
and maybe an even greater reavalation for a CDer with the
desire to join the daywalkers!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Stephanie43]

I think as CD’ers ourselves, it’s pretty easy (most of the time) for our radars to pick up on the out and abouts. I too had a similar experience recently. Went to lunch while at my job (in guy mode of course). Walked into the restaurant and within five minutes, I clocked a CD’er. I have to say that she wasn’t hard to spot. Women’s pants, blouse, shoes, forms or stuffed bra, naturally long hair, but no makeup. Full on guy face. That damn guy face tends to ruin the female look if we don’t put our “faces” on. Lol.

[Stacy Darling]

I hope that this experience has helped to give your own confidence a boost Charlotte, you do sound quite positive!

Stacy!

[Helen_Highwater]

How often has it been said that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then folks will see (assume) it's a duck.
I know I don't pass anything approaching close scrutiny. However I've come to realise that I can walk through a crowd and be largely unnoticed.
That's the thing that those itching to get out need to understand. There's safety in numbers and you can hide in plain sight.
As for being tall. Yesterday I was out in drab shopping. In one shop there was a GG out with her BF. She had on a modest heel, 1"? However even without that she towered over her BF and was 3-4" taller than my 5'10".
What I and anyone else seeing her saw was an attractive GG, her height not being the thing that drew my eye to her.
So yes we can all read those subtle clues about hips and walks which is why observing GG's and emulating these things as well as you can adds to looking like a duck.

[alwayshave]

I walk around the city all the time. Most people are just intent on getting where they are going. The rest just stare at their cell phones. So not surprised a CDer could fly under the radar.

[Krisi]

For some reason, I never see crossdressers in public. Unless of course, they pass well enough that I see them as women. The last (and only) crossdresser I saw in public was my own reflection in a store window.

To be honest, I did see what I assume was a transsexual at a local beauty school. I assume she was a transsexual because she had a nice rack (and was showing it) but an adams apple and was probably six feet tall and 130 lb.

[Abbey11]

I've had an occasion when was clocked by 2 girls out shopping, 1 said to the other 'is that a guy' and that was it, they carried on, I carried on. Another time a larger group of late teens were messing about, within 10 yards of me and I had a sudden panic thinking this could be trouble, they knew I was there, but nothing was said. A lot of the fear is of our own creation and our own inner mind games.

[Jean 103]

Like a number here I am out and about all the time. Here it's a big deal, in my life not so much.

You said you don't go out, and there is nothing wrong with that. Is it that you lack confidence, or is it the desire to do so, maybe it's a little of both? Not trying to put you on the spot I'm just curious.

It took some time for me to get to where I am now. Once I started going out that was it, everything changed, to the point now that there is no way that genie is going back in the bottle.

Yes I have seen CD's in public. I have sat right next to them,in guy mode, this was before I was out. I have had a man in a skirt approach me, when dressed, and ask if it would be ok to talk. I said yes, I really don't mind if I have the time.

[Jaylyn]

Charlotte I'm also 6'2 1/2 " in my panty hose with no shoes on. My shoulders look like a lumber jacks and my natural hips are small. I would stick out like bulldog in a poodle dog show. I also promised my wife I would embarrass her or me so I'm kinda trapped inside on my dressing and being out.
I've seen a couple CDs out and about not around my area but in Austin before, one looked similar to a GG but the other looked like a linebacker in a dress. I represent the second and that's the image my wife thinks when I try and dress. I'm happy inside but do get lonesome sometime for the outside world especially when I read about the fun sisters are having in Houston at the GNO's. I would be worried because I for one would not pass.

[docrobbysherry]

Some of us pass a lot better than others.

Some of us don't care if they pass or not.

Some of us like to be noticed as dressers when out among the Muggles.

I am NOT one of the lucky girls above. So, I avoid going out to vanilla venues whenever possible.

[Rhonda Jean]

Call it confidence, a don't-give-a-care attitude, resolve or whatever, a lot of it comes down to deciding that's what you want to do and doing it over and over and over again until it feel (largely) like second nature. I don't have that DGAC attitude, I don't even know that I'm all that confident. I'm certainly not brave. I've just done it so much for so long it's not as big a deal as it used to be.

I'll give you an example. I had long hair my whole life until the last few years. Always between shoulder length and the middle of my back, almost always styled in a way that would have been seen as feminine. In all the decades I wore my hair like that, there were very few times I gave it even a second thought as far as being fearful of what someone might think. Since I cut my hair, I wouldn't even think of going out in male mode in a wig, even though my wig is somewhat less overtly feminine than I often wore my hair in male mode. I wear other feminine things in male mode, but I would never wear a wig. I could analyze all the reasons for that, but at the root of it is with my own hair I didn't have any choice. I'm sure people talked. I'm sure some laughed, I'm sure some were really put off by it. It was very rare that I was even aware of it, or that I felt dread or fear.

I'm not one to say that nobody will notice or care. Some people will notice, and some will even be angered by it, but that's VERY rare. Look your best, be nice to people, don't slink around like you're doing something you shouldn't. It's an experience that is not to be missed!

[EmmyAnnRose]

I'd love to go out, but in my small town, there's no way. I did go out after dark last night to take the dog out in my Capri leggings

[NancySue]

Yeah, small town = caution. I do venture out...after dark, both walking and driving...out of town. Yes, I mostly worry about police and an auto accident. Once I reach my destination, things are OK. High heels, even low heels draw attention, so it’s flats for me. When in Rome.....common sense.

[EmmyAnnRose]

And everyone know everyone else's business here so...

[Pat]

Sometimes I wish I had that bit of extra confidence.

My lengthy screed is that you have to have three things to be a successful "day-walker." Self-acceptance, self-permission and experience. Experience in this case is similar to "the first job paradox" -- you need experience to get a job, you need a job to get experience. How does that work for day-walking? It kinda means at first you're not going to be very good at it. But you'll get better. Accept that, and you can forgive yourself a shaky start and gain the experience you need. Anytime you're out and things go sideways or you run into a situation where you suddenly realize you're not prepared for it, that's you gaining experience. Congratulations.

Self-acceptance has to be real self-acceptance; to know that what you're doing isn't wrong. Not just academic or philosophical self-acceptance (armchair self-acceptance?) Most of what I see in the crossdressers forum is people who under it all believe that they are doing something wrong/weird/misbehaving.

Self-permission is just what it sounds like. Even adults feel the need to get permission sometimes. That's why we build hierarchical structures (religions, political systems, fraternal organizations, etc.) It's kinda funny, but on this site you'll see that play out a lot. There will be the folks that grant you permission (like me) and the folks who try to withhold it -- telling you how your life can come crashing down around your ears if you do this. But in the end, only you can grant yourself permission to do this.

Once you feel that it's OK to do this, grant yourself permission and have a few attempts to work out the bugs, you'll have "confidence."

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
It comes down to dressing for the surroundings, no one took undue attention because the person wasn't attracting attention .

I now I've said this more than once but very few members of the public have seen a CDer in reality , there are nearly always tell tale signs so they will more than likely do a double take as I discovered recently.

If you dress OTT then you will get all the attention you could ever want , to some that is what they desire to stand out from the crowd . Dressing to be a convincing woman is much harder than dressing up to the nines for some fun around the home or having some fun with like minded friends.

I agree confidence come in different forms but basically means to fully accept yourself and what your needs are . I wish to be seen and accepted as a woman and being called convincing is more than I ever expected but I'm not kidding myself I pass 100% , sorry but none of us do, that delusion can lead to some real hardship and heartache .

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah people by and large don’t care and are too occupied with their own life to bother.

HOWEVER (the caveat!) there are “bad” dressers out there that will get a lot of looks. I hate to use that adjective but I don’t know if another way to describe them. If you live in any big city you’ve probably seen at least one: wig looks like it was run over before being put on sideways, makeup looks like toddler finger painting, second-had ball gown with mismatched tights, feather boa, and shoes that just don’t go. My point being expressing youself is great, but be ready for the consequences if you don’t have at least a small sense of proper attire. Sometimes they’re not staring because you’re dressed as a woman, but rather because you’re dressed poorly.

[Beverley Sims]

Charlotte,
The Cdar becomes less sensitive the more you get out and about.

What you do see is someone at point blank range and you are more sure of what you see.

You will gain confidence the more you get out and then you will be looking for other signs to enlighten you as your Cdar dims.

Get out there and get the confidence. :-)

[Krisi]

You get confidence by doing the same thing over and over until it comes naturally. Want to feel confident presenting as a woman? Dress as a woman every chance you get and for as long as you can. Get to the point where the long hair, bobs and butt feel natural. Get to where the clothes, shoes and jewelry feel natural. Try to walk and move your body like a woman as often as possible.

Then, go out as a woman. Don't walk into a bar expecting guys to dance with you and buy you drinks, just walk down the street in a busy part of town. Walk in the park. Walk through the mall, sit on the benches and study other women. Start at the bottom and work your way up to where you have confidence.

And as a few have mentioned, dress the part. Don't wear high heels and a ball gown. Wear what women in your area for the place and time of day. And dress your age.

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm in the long and continuing process of granting myself permission to extend my range. It's been long and slow and I've doubted my confidence and courage at every step. But from that first step in front of a mirror to going out day and night, first in other cities and now occasionally in my own, the growth has been steady. It reminds me of the Bill Murray movie, "What about Bob?" where the afflicted becomes the counselor with his phrase "Baby steps". That's what I've been doing and after 25 years it turns out I would shock my much younger self with the courage and confidence I now display.

There is no rush. Take your time and let that comfort and confidence build naturally.

[Majella St Gerard]

Yeah people by and large don’t care and are too occupied with their own life to bother.

HOWEVER (the caveat!) there are “bad” dressers out there that will get a lot of looks. I hate to use that adjective but I don’t know if another way to describe them. If you live in any big city you’ve probably seen at least one: wig looks like it was run over before being put on sideways, makeup looks like toddler finger painting, second-had ball gown with mismatched tights, feather boa, and shoes that just don’t go. My point being expressing youself is great, but be ready for the consequences if you don’t have at least a small sense of proper attire. Sometimes they’re not staring because you’re dressed as a woman, but rather because you’re dressed poorly.

Nicki, I've seen women out dressed just like you describe, anyone dresses outlandish like that will attract attention and get noticed in a crowd.