**I had trouble deciding whether to put this in the Transsexual or Crossdressers forum, anyway here it is…**
I'm not sure what to do here, I'm drawn so strongly into doing what I do and it is all consuming right now, it has been that way for the last year…
Like most of you I have dressed most my life, some of that is detailed elsewhere here in the forums but suffice it to say it has been going on since I was a little kid. About 20 years ago I finally started seeing a therapist about my gender issues, I only saw her twice, I had been seeing therapists about loneliness & suicide for some years before that, but was afraid to tell them about my feelings about my gender (and my guess is that I was still not sure where I was on that spectrum when I was seeing them). But about 1999 I was at a point where I was ready to commit to a new lifestyle (or die, it was that bad, really) Then I met my wife. She (unknowingly) rescued me from me, but now I am not sure that was for the best. I stopped seeing the new gender therapist, married my wife, and eighteen years later here I am… I absolutely love her, but don’t love the situation I'm in, we're in. I had only dressed once or twice in the last 15 years, but I have fantasized about it (and about being a woman in general) constantly. She doesn't have a clue about how I feel, and had really never given any opinion on the issue until the last several years. But then, funny enough, it was right about the time Caitlin Jenner came out… my wife turns absolutely negative about anything Trans, she refers to them (which means she refers to us) as 'it.' She says they are sick, wrong, deviant... So about a year ago something snaps, I stop fantasizing about dressing up and start buying wigs, clothes & makeup and planning for any out of town trips that come up. I have been in female overdrive ever since and can't stop. To make things even more interesting, my wife has two adult children that live with us, one is 27, she graduated as a med tech two years ago, the other is 31, he spent six years in the army (11Bravo) then came home five years ago. They don't do anything, don't work, don't drive, don't pay any bills (he pays for his phone), he is still going to school on the GI bill to be a nurse, the classes are once or twice a week. My wife and I get in arguments about me wanting them to get jobs, sometimes leading to huge blow ups, I feel terrible about it and I feel trapped. I also feel emasculated, which kinda plays into my whole crossdressing thing in a sadly ironic way. As I said the oldest is ex-military (nothing wrong with that, I'm an army brat myself) with six years in the infantry (Two combat tours), and has taken the outlook on life that anyone different is wrong/bad and run with it, he is anti-gay, anti-black, anti-anyone not white… And he is extremely anti Trans. I have actually told my therapist that if I should suddenly die she is free to go to the police with everything I have told her. I am afraid if he found out he'd be so angry he'd attempt to hurt or kill me (He has anger issues, and yes, I'd fight back, funny enough I am a right of center crossdresser/Trans person, they do exist, and I am armed. It would be a tragic situation whatever the outcome and I do not want to go there). Anyway, all the two 'kids' do is watch TV, play video games and surf the web, no social life, they are shut ins… I am afraid at this rate I will be 70 and they will still be here and I will be paying the bills. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to kick them out of the house just for me, I want to kick them into their own lives for their own good, it is not healthy for them to do nothing… But that is another issue (My therapist is covering that too, and has given me some insights on it)
Now to the midlife crisis, I am 54, I look better as a woman then as a man (at least in my opinion). I feel better dressed and looking like a woman then as a man, when I get the chance to dress up I am in absolute total heaven… As I said, for the last few months it has consumed me, it is what I want, I look forward to and plan for the few times I am able to completely dress up. I underdress at work frequently, in the morning before going to work, and on bike rides in the morning. I get up at 4AM on Sundays so I can do my 'girly' laundry so I can do it all over again the next week. It is as if I have two lives, me and me, and I am having a hard time living both. At this point I do not know what to do, my therapist thinks I would be better off being truthful to all (which would lead to a divorce, I am sure, and possible violence) but absolutely love and would never want to hurt my wife. But then I want this so bad, I don't know what to do other than to keep spinning my wheels like I have been. I come from a family of stoic men, but I am tired of being strong & silent… I am lying to myself in a way, and I am lying to her. I really don't know what to do and it is twisting my insides apart… Knowing that there will be another chance to dress up is all that keeps me going right now. Is this my life from now on???