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Thread: Read At Wal-Mart

  1. #1
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Read At Wal-Mart

    Since tomorrow is the last day of school, I went out to Wal-Mart to get some supplies for a party I am having for one of my classes after we watch and I grade their final projects. As I was walking back to the car with my mom (I was wearing a pair of womens slacks and my olive green flower shirt that I absolutely adore with lipstick and eyeliner (and unfortunately a little bit of stubble because it's the end of the day), an older woman started staring at me with what appeared to be a puzzled expression on her face. I don't think she could tell my gender. All I did was meet her eyes smile politely, demurely, but knowingly, until she just said (in a somewhat surprised voice) "Hi there." I politely returned her greeting and we parted going our separate ways. I have no doubt that I get read everywhere I go, and it will continue to happen at least until I get my hair restyled before I go to Pride (and probably afterwards too). But I really don't care. As long as it's just staring and no rude comments are made I'm not going to let it affect me. Yes, I'm transgender. Yes, I'm transitioning. Yes, it's early in the process for me so I look like a guy or someone of indeterminate gender. No, I'm not going to let you beat me just because you don't understand what I'm going through. Imagine if I had gone with my original plan for the day Tights and a dress? That would have given her a real show I decided against wearing the dress for the sake of my father who just isn't ready for me to take that step yet even if it's just around the house. He's afraid that potential future employers will see me and I won't get hired as a result which is a valid concern. I'm still probably going to go out in a dress if I feel like it a few times this Summer. Thankfully, he has told me that he doesn't care what I do for Pride in SF with my friend. My mom and sister in law have told me they don't care so I'll probably wear it around them. Also, I've started conversing with a woman online on a dating site and if that leads somewhere I might wear one of my dresses on a date. I want to look presentable. Maybe it's naievete on my part, maybe I just don't understand, but I really don't see why my choice of dress especially if I come ready to explain what my situation is to any potential employer who asks matters when it comes to employment. I don't think my home state is particularly trans friendly so I'll probably have to move. Fortunately, Illinois isn't that far away and I have friends in good areas if I find work who might be willing to help me get on my feet in a new location if I need to.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    You’ll definitely want to look into local and state employment and housing discrimination laws as those will have real consequences. But you have absolutely the right attitude about getting read. So many girls are terrified of “omg, what if they can TELL??? *Gasp*”. Girl, let’s face it, most of us are just men in dresses (no offense trans women, I’m not including you) and people are GOING to be able to tell eventually. Just own it!

  3. #3
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I sincerely hope I won't be read (at least not so easily) in the future. I'm trying really hard to eventually become passable as I'm trying to be accepted as a woman in society, but right now in these early stages it's going to be difficult. Thank you for the input though Micki!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    For future reference, you WILL be read, not many of us PASS, trans or not. The only thing is, do what makes you happy. Find your style and rock it.

  5. #5
    Of course she is. Patience's Avatar
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    I think you handled that very well.

    You might find that some people will start conversations with you to hear the sound of your voice because they can’t quite get your gender expression.
    When all else fails, lower your standards.

  6. #6
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I'm working very hard on my voice but it still doesn't sound right. I can do a somewhat passable voice but I can't sustain it. I may have to go to a vocal coach.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Again, bravo, Brianna.
    That you are looking forward, with an eye towards how you will deal with practical issues like housing and employment speaks volumes about how well grounded you are, in the reality of the path before you. Transition is as much, if not more, about those things than it is about clothes, cosmetics, or physical changes.

    As for passing, you may be one of the lucky few who eventually will. The odds on that are long indeed. The unfortunate truth is that those of us who've been "deformed" by testosterone, genuinely passing, all the time, is impossible. As you've already discovered (and seem to have gracefully accepted) though, is that it doesn't really matter. Most people will at least be polite, even when shocked. More and more, we're not even "shocking", novel perhaps, but even in those cases, when their mouth closes up and they can speak again, they will observe the decorum appropriate for the situation. But then you seem to have already discovered this and perhaps even made your peace with it. Well done.
    Well, somebody has to make up that base of the bell curve that defines "normal".
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  8. #8
    Goddess-In-Training Macey's Avatar
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    You're doing great, and it seems you are beginning to construct a whole new road map for yourself. Have patience, take your time, and enjoy the journey because it's quite a ride that's not to be missed. Consider that as soon as you've finished drafting your life's road map, things will have already changed in unpredictable ways and you'll pull out your map making tools once again to alter things as you need.

    Everything you've posted seems to show that your heart and mind are as open as the sky, and that is the biggest tool you'll need!

  9. #9
    Junior Member Elizabeth1980's Avatar
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    Brianna - It’s interesting to hear about your experience in being read. Myself, I try to avoid groups of teenagers as they can be rude. I also don’t like going to shops in which there are a lot of women staff, as they tend to whisper to one another about me, which makes me uncomfortable. I have had some negative experiences in being read by others, but as Aunt Kelly said in post 7, people are mostly polite and tolerant.

  10. #10
    Of course she is. Patience's Avatar
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    About the voice, I wouldn’t obsess too much over it, especially when starting out. There’s enough other stuff for beginners to work on anyway, and since you’re not going to get it 100% right right away, you might as well focus on the more obvious things that need attention while allowing your voice to come about organically. You’re working on a version of yourself, not a caricature. As long as you don’t sound like Brad Garrett, you should be ok.
    When all else fails, lower your standards.

  11. #11
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    We all get "read" all the time. The difference is when you don't care because you are too busy being you and enjoying it.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    Brianna, you handled it well. I applaud your confidence.

  13. #13
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Basically, you owned it! (Bravo for you!) This is what it takes to be out! You are doing just fine! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  14. #14
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Micki_Finn View Post
    But you have absolutely the right attitude about getting read. !
    Sorry , but no she doesn't.

    If being read even enters your mind you have are not there and are not going to be.

    Be the best you, you can be and try and not worry about the rest.

    There are some things you can do the help.

    Try to have a more female silhouette, Dresses and long tops.

    more Female colors and patterns

    accessories, Like a purse.

    Make-up,

    Use lip stain - a color that stands out

    eye make-up- it can be simple but needs to show- I just wear a solid color on my lids only

    I do somewhat a natural look when it comes to the fondation, I use a little too much blush so that it shows

    This is not about being read, this is about being missed gendered.

    You want the observer thing female with a glance.

    Your father is wrong, this is something that you will not be able to change. You are just going to have to prove him wrong.

    I bet you I can find a job in your town in a day. This is because of my experience and knowledge. It takes time and work but you can get there. Then you could always do your own thing, work for yourself. I've done that too.

    Back to being the best you, this is your best defence. Where I work I am respected, supported. This is not something I asked for but something I have earned.

  15. #15
    Happy to be here! mattea's Avatar
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    Brianna,

    I think you have a great attitude about where you are going, and are clearly showing some bravery by just getting out there. I agree that sometimes we will get read, or someone may look at us sideways, this Saturday my wife and I were at a Pay Less Shoe Store (so sad they are going out of business) that had a ton of my size shoes and as we were checking out the clerk at the cash register couldn't stop staring at me. I just gave her a good look and a smile and let it go. My first thought was I just got read, but then I thought who cares. A while back I would have happily crawled into any hole I could find, because of that fear of being read, but something has changed as I get out and work on my presentation, it is a confidence in myself and it is also a bit of "I just don't give a crap anymore of what people think" attitude. It is also having a wife that loves me unconditionally and supports me 110%. I am who I am, we are who we are supposed to be, I live my life, give respect and care for others, and if someone doesn't like the way I look, or thinks less of me because as Aunt Kelly says I was "deformed by testosterone" then so be it, they have the right to their opinion and I have a right to mine.

    It is still a day to day struggle and there are times that even though we go out often that I worry, or get apprehensive but I can tell you it certainly does get easier, there are days that will be easier than others. It is quite refreshing to hear that your family is being somewhat supportive.

    Good luck!

    Mattea
    Love makes everyone equal.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    Deformed by testosterone, Really now.
    Maybe you were deformed but I certainly was not. Are you ashamed to be a man? I am not.

  17. #17
    Silver Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Jean makes an important point. Get some business training. Entrepreneurship. So if the need arises--you can quit and run your own business. Be your own boss. Hard work--lots of problems--but YOU are in charge.

  18. #18
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Brianna,

    I just wanted to chime in to congratulate you for finishing school.

    Of course you have a lot of adjustments to make, job hunting, going out dressed, maybe further education, and new horizons to conquer. Keep your head up and don't worry about what others think, focus on how you think about yourself.

    I just wanted to relay an issue my godson had (he is a FtM). His main focus after high school was on his transition and did not pursue any further education or trade. He is now 31 years old and still working fast food with no other skills or higher paying job opportunities. He is now regretting that he didn't follow a different job path at an earlier age - along with his transition. Financial independence is vital no matter what gender you are.

    It sounds as if someday you may want to move and live on your own. The world is open to you to make decisions for your future before you have too many financial or emotional commitments.

    I wish you a fabulous future! Best of luck Brianna.
    Last edited by char GG; 05-28-2019 at 02:21 PM.

  19. #19
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    Hi rianna , It is just Mind over Matter, If you don't Mind then It don't Matter. >Orchid..oo..
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

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  20. #20
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Of all the places I've been to while Jodie, banks, restaurants, malls, etc., the one place that always makes me nervous is Walmart.

    IDK, maybe it's a fear of ending up in one of those "People of Walmart" videos, but I try to avoid that place whenever possible.
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  21. #21
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Thank you very much for all of the kind words everyone. I am taking a little bit of time now that the school year is over to take stock of my future and what I want out of it. Do I want to remain an educator where I live for the rest of my life? Do I want to remain an educator for the rest of my life? Could I transition if I did so (the staff at the school I worked with has indicated some fairly strong transphobia so I really don't know if I want to stay. I don't know if it would be safe for me to come out. I have skills. I speak fluent Mandarin so finding work isn't so much the issue it's finding a place where I can be accepted and getting the confidence to actually strike out on my own and find my own work in my own place. I have the confidence i'm building not only because I'm getting in touch with who I truly am but also because my mother (and to a lesser extent my father) have told me it's okay. If they weren't behind me I would probably still be in the closet. For the record being read didn't enter my mind until after the fact and it didn't bother me. I thought it was funny, especially her reaction once she knew I caught her and that I wouldn't be giving her the reaction she desired.

  22. #22
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    Knowing that I was being read was the largest hurdle I had in going out. It still is, especially using the bathroom. Most of the time things go well and I pass a good deal of the time. But not all of the time, I think how you move is very important in passing. People come in all shapes and sizes but most women walk and comport themselves different than men do. Remember knees together, elbows in and don't slouch!

  23. #23
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I'm still so fat "knees together" is difficult for me to achieve but I will work on the other points

  24. #24
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    My first thought is that there a lot of stranger people than cross dressers at Wal-mart

  25. #25
    Senior Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Majella St Gerard View Post
    Deformed by testosterone, Really now.
    Maybe you were deformed but I certainly was not. Are you ashamed to be a man? I am not.
    No... not ashamed, at least no more so than one should be ashamed for being born with any other birth defect. Your mistake , Michelle, is in referring to me as a man. I am TS, and this body makes me uncomfortable. I wish, every day, that it matched who I am. Oh, I'm working on correcting what I can, but this is still a man's body, and that's not who I am.
    Sorry for taking your thread into the weeds, Bri, but think you know what I mean.

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