What next.....

[Hazel426]

So I have been experimenting in cross dressing for many years. It?s manly been with lingerie, I love the feel of the stockings, garters, babydolls etc. I now have a few dresses I love the feel off.

My wife of (10 years) doesn?t know about my habit and I am not sure how far I wish to take my cross dressing.

For me it?s the feel and the idea of dressing up that is a turn on. I like the idea of expressing my more feminine side but don?t wan to dress day to day as a women.

I am so nervous about talking to my wife but not sure how much it?s worth upsetting her when it seems to be more of a sexual like. That being said honest is normally the best policy.

Help!

[Teresa]

Hazel ,
At your age I found it was more connected with sex , does it make it easier or harder to explain to a wife ? That's a tough one ! She maybe OK about or she may be upset and even hurt by thinking the dressing and subsequent sex are a substitute for her , " You only want me for my clothes !" is something I had thrown back at me . It wasn't true but it's hard to prove it .

We do pass through stages , the clothes do feel good especially compared with male ones and they can look great when wearing them but all this is an evolution many of us go through this , at some point you have to think what is driving this need and then it can become more complicated . Despite coming out to a wife or family the need doesn't go away , at your age wanting to be a woman may not figure but as it progresses that need often surfaces more . Again at your age I would never have imagined I would be dressing full time and being totally out in the RW but the fact is its' happened and I have to admit I'm really enjoying it , it feels right and perfectly normal .

[Kay J]

Hezel i know what you mean about a sexual thing but you are still young and in time it will be more just wearing and enjoying your femme side! I think some time you should have a talk to your wife because it would be much better then her walking in on you some day! Do not tell her about the sexual thing!!!

[Ressie]

Hazel, I'm twice your age and it's still 90% sexual for me. Don't let others predict your future regarding crossdressing. You're unique and have to sort it out in a way that's best for you.

Do you have any idea what your wife would think? Some women are disgusted with anything as effeminate as CDing, some can cope with it and very few actually like it.

[Dressing up]

Hazel,

You obviously have done some research on this forum, and you should know by now that you are far from alone. I have 20 years on you and at your age I was married and there definitely was a sex component to it. But deep down, I realize it was more than that, I believe in the theory that our characteristics have some overlap but that does not connect them. For instance, sex and gender have some overlap but they are separate entities, the degree of overlap changes in time as well. Just like wealth and sex have some overlap (probably more than gender) but are separate. For example, wealth and power give people the ability to pursue there sexual desires further than unconnected people of modest means, a lifetime of this creates a big overlap that wouldn't be there otherwise (like Jeffrey Epstein). We do not look at wealthy and automatically assume sexual deviance, unfortunately most look at those with gender ambiguities and immediately connect it with sexual deviance. Fair? No, but that is the world we live in. We question your motives in using the bathroom of the gender you are presenting, but have we ever discussed bathroom usage of the numerous priests, boy scout leaders, politicians, actors and so on that have been known pedophiles? Sure we lock them up only when the overwhelming evidence catches up to them, but they can slip by for so many years because they are off the radar.
Ironically, the sexual variance of the average person on this site is probably less than the general public. Personally, I reinforce the average, a hetero male. My total sex life could only be edited into rather dull porn. Can fantasizing about my feminine side cause arousal, sure, but in the end, I enjoy the opposite sex.
I have come to believe that the sexual side I felt at your age was partly from the taboo nature of your dressing. Something denied must be exciting. If we become free to express our feminine side, most loss that heightened excitement. Personally, I have had more time to explore how I want to look, I dress very casual to fit in when I go out. I dress perhaps 15-20% of the time. I find it relaxing to slip on a blouse when I get home from work. Sometimes I need retail therapy in the form of shoes. These days I find it puts me in a great mood, which make me more likely to pursue intimacy if that is available at that time. I am single, and many times I am home alone, there is no intimacy outlet yet I still love to dress up. I am not saying my experience is universal, just trying to help you think out your situation. You seem conflicted, you seem a lot like me at your age except I always shared my secret with my SO in the dating stage.
I can tell you, these feelings will not go away but the guilt and shame should. Objectively, you are doing nothing to hurt anyone. Subjectively, you need to evaluate the emotional dynamics of those in your life and evaluate how to come out or stay hidden. No one here can answer that for you.
When faced with tough crossroads, I often try to imagine how life will be 5 or 10 years from now based on the path I take. You will still want to dress and most of the significant people in your life will still be there. You can keep your secret but I promise you that will cause stresses that will manifest themselves in different ways. You could come out at some level, that has its own issues and fears. Will it break you marriage, end up in DADT (most common it seems), lead to a supportive SO and family (very rare)? Only you can evaluate, I wish you the best. I just wanted to let you know that you are far from alone in your position.

Take care.
Dressing up

[Paulie Birmingham]

I am with ressie. Its sexual with me after many years. It doesn't have to be anything else. And keep ur wife away from this site or she will think you are/doing something you may not want to be

[NancySue]

Like me, you?re on the horns of a dilemma. When I proposed to my wife-to-be, she didn?t know...at least I didn?t think she did. After much thought, I decided to tell her before we got married...thinking she?d sprint to the nearest exit. The moment came after we returned from a casual party. She couldn?t wait to take off her heels, hose and bra (sound familiar?). I intently watched her. She smiled and commented that I seemed very interested in her lingerie. My face became red...caught. So, I decided to tell her. She listened and had little to say. I thought..it?s over. I broke the silence and asked her...well? She said...we need to talk..which we did. Long story..short...she already sensed my interest. We talked, did a lot of reading, etc. She accepted my dressing and enjoyed helping, especially with makeup. I told her how happy she made me. She thanked me for having the courage to be honest with her. Women don?t like spousal secrets, dishonesty, etc. it worked for me/us, but every relationship is different. Good luck..whatever you do.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hazel,

Teresa makes some very valid points.

At your age I found it was more connected with sex , does it make it easier or harder to explain to a wife ? That's a tough one !

We do pass through stages , the clothes do feel good especially compared with male ones and they can look great when wearing them but all this is an evolution many of us go through this , at some point you have to think what is driving this need and then it can become more complicated .

Many here do experience the connection, certainly when younger and in the early stages, of a sexual element to their dressing. It was certainly true for me. I can remember writing a post about the the feel of women's clothing, the sensuality of it but also commenting that dressing went beyond that.

You perhaps need to ask yourself exactly what dressing means to you. If you reveal all to your SO and she takes it badly such that it's stop or that's the end of the marriage, can you then truly stop. Some will say that such an ultimatum shouldn't form part of a relationship but that's for another post.

Add to the mix that many of us had no idea of how over the years, our dressing would evolve and the steps we would end up taking. Steps that ended up literally taking us over the threshold and out into the wide world to present fully enfemme.

So your rock and a hard place looks like you can reveal now and if it goes well then should your dressing develop hopefully you can carry your SO with you or wait, see where things go but should they develop then you're in for an even bigger reveal some years down the line that you hope will still go well or of course at both these stages it could go belly up.

So my advice is give careful consideration to the importance of dressing in your life, can you give it up and weigh that against your desire to to open and honest.

[docrobbysherry]

The longer u avoid telling her? The harder it will be to explain.

So, unless you're wiling and able to bury and/or hide your dressing? The sooner may be the better!

[Pumped]

Dressing has always been sexual for me. All the way back before I knew what sex was! That might sound weird, but I remember dressing as a young child, maybe 5 years old, and the rush and fellings I had were definitely sexual. It took a few years before I got it figured out. My mom and dad were no help when it came to sex and growing up in the country I had limited access to information. I remember finding my dad's stash of magazines when I was maybe eight years old and it all came together.

I dressed in my teens, under cover, and quit when I got married. It all came crashing back about eight years ago. Luckily I have an understanding wife and enjoys participating.

[Gillian Gigs]

For many of us it started off as being sexual. The longer you wait to tell the wife, the more difficult it will become. It is better to have the talk on your terms, when you can be in control, than to have her find out about it via another source and you have to fire fight your way out. In my case, my wife was reasonable about it, and she still refers to it as being my little fetish. She is much more supportive than I ever imagined.

[Stephanie47]

Hazel, my personal experience is many wives will differentiate between some "kinky fetish" sex in the bedroom from emulating a woman with wig and makeup, wig and full on attire; dress, heels and hosiery, undergarments, etc. When first married my wife and I incorporated lingerie and hosiery for me in the bedroom. Not all the time. Just some of the time. When my interests developed and expanded to slips and bras she realized there was more to the women's lingerie than just "kinky" sex. That brought on the turnoff. As she stated, "If I was to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!"

Some see emulating a woman as sexual gratification. Try to explain that to a wife or girl friend. I would not even try that line on a wife. I used a similar line. Something akin to exploring my feminine side. Her retort was "When you can have a baby, then you can talk about your feminine side!" Note: This had nothing to do with transgender women. Just me, a cross dresser. I had to avoid the bull. I told her some history. I told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" I do have some personal beliefs. I did not have any sisters or female cousins. Nobody dressed me up when I was little. No girls dressed me as a lark or joke on Halloween.

Any advice you receive on this forum is worth exactly what you paid for it! I can only relate my personal experiences with my wife of almost fifty years. Some other women fully embrace their husband's activities. All I can advise is not to give your wife a lot of bull.

[Aunt Kelly]

So I have been experimenting in cross dressing for many years. It?s manly been with lingerie, I love the feel of the stockings, garters, babydolls etc. I now have a few dresses I love the feel off.

My wife of (10 years) doesn?t know about my habit and I am not sure how far I wish to take my cross dressing.

For me it?s the feel and the idea of dressing up that is a turn on. I like the idea of expressing my more feminine side but don?t wan to dress day to day as a women.

I am so nervous about talking to my wife but not sure how much it?s worth upsetting her when it seems to be more of a sexual like. That being said honest is normally the best policy.

Yes, but...
You have carried out a deception for 10 years. It would have been better had you been honest when the relationship got serious, whatever the outcome may have been. Coming out now lays bare the deception and it is a rare partner who can get past that. So you have a big decision to make. You know your wife better than anyone here, so only you can have any hope of divining what her reaction might be. There's no going back once you've shared this. Keep all those things in mind when deciding what you want, how much you want it, and what it is worth.

[jacques]

hello Hazel,
for many of us our dressing and need to dress goes through many changes. Many start before puberty, so it was an erotic motivation. In our teens that may change! later in life it might be about relaxation.
Only you know how your wife might react. But honesty now might be better than being found out later.
When I came out to my wife her reaction stunned me - "is that all? it's only clothes! I thought you were going to tell me something serious!" (or words like that)
luv J

[Tracii G]

I know better than to give advice but you do what you feel is right for you.
If you choose not to tell her all I can say is good luck with that because the one thing most of us here know she will find your stuff eventually or you will mess up and forget you left something out and she will find it and think you are cheating on her.

[phili]

The thing that makes the conversations irreconciliable is the idea of mistrust, so you have to be absolutely honest and that is the embodiment of trusting her- which proves you are trustworthy. I believe now that the problem I had was feeling like I had to break the ice, explain the background, etc etc and to our partners it all seems like defensive preamble, which means we are not trusting them. And then we make matters worse by trying to explain, or saying we can't explain,when in the end there is nothing to explain, or no available explanation, anyway.

So first I would make sure in every other aspect of your relationship you concentrate on being communicative and open and attentive to her and admitting things you feel when you feel them, or soon after, so she can see and feel you are committed to her and that the relationship between you, not the trappings or reasons or pride or whatever that normally interferes with being honest.

Then it will be much more normal and expected,to say, "Darling, I have feelings and thoughts that come up that I am embarrassed about, well, at least uncertain- from way back in childhood. I have tried to figure them out, but it is too complicated to do on my own. I haven't shared this yet with you, because I thought they might fade away. But it has gone on too long and I hate feeling of keeping my worries from you.Are you ok with me revealing my deep dark secret? No - I didn't murder anyone- it is just that I want to wear women's clothes. I know it seems weird. That makes me uncertain, too. I bough
t some clothes and it satisfies something deep- maybe we aren't supposed to be so restricted in our worlds. I don't know, and maybe we'll never know how this arises, but it is truly awful if I feel I can't trust you. "

That pretty much frames it as it is- we are afraid, uncertain, and the only resolution is either rejection or coming together and realizing that our desire is not a fearsome beast but a child's imagination and hope. We are only asking for understanding that life is not actually as simple as it was made out to be. That means some hopes are dashed, but other opportunities are there.

Resolving never to tell means that someday you probably have to be discovered, and try to get by with framing it as a sexual fetish that is in the end harmless. But it would be so much better to have a stronger and deeper sharing.

[JeanTG]

All I can say with regards to telling your wife: even if you don't, she will find out. You know her better than I, but do you think she'd be more angry if you told her, or if she found out by accident?

As for the "thrill" component: yeah, me too when I was in my 20s until about my late 30s. Then it went dormant for nearly 20 years. When it came back, the thrill part was largely gone. And here I am at 61, in transition and on HRT and heading for divorce once this blasted virus crisis is over... and I guess I'm not alone in that progression. YMMV of course, but be prepared for unexpected outcomes to this.

Phili: "stronger and deeper sharing". That may or may not end up happening if she tells her wife. i told my wife I liked to crossdress well before we married and figured her silence was tacit approval. It wasn't. It became clear in our marriage that it wasn't. Moreover she would dig it up and throw it back at me every time we argued about something not even remotely connected. So it got driven back underground because I couldn't trust her to be able to handle it And when it popped up again, it was met with hostility (and accusations of being untrustworthy!). It really depends on the spouse. Some are OK with it. Some can live with it even if they're not thrilled about it, and for some, it's a no-fly zone. Go there, and you'll be shot down. Turned out to be my situation even though I was honest from the get-go. You can't really predict how these things will go.

[Maid_Marion]

Trust is the major issue.

But, after being married for 10 years, there is another factor at play. More than likely her beauty, by conventional standards, has started to fade.
Which means that your dressing can bring up unpleasant issues in about how she looks. Unrealistic beauty standards. Dieting struggles. It is a real minefield.
If the pink fog is so bad that you are oblivious to her issues this will not go well.

Marion

[Kelly Pearson]

Trust is the major issue.

But, after being married for 10 years, there is another factor at play. More than likely her beauty, by conventional standards, has started to fade.
Which means that your dressing can bring up unpleasant issues in about how she looks. Unrealistic beauty standards. Dieting struggles. It is a real minefield.
If the pink fog is so bad that you are oblivious to her issues this will not go well.

Marion

Definitely agree with the 1st sentence, the trust thing is huge

[Angie G]

It may not be the best thing for you but coming out to my wife is the best thing I ever did.
Angie

[KatieTv]

It doesn't help you but I made a choice to only do this when I was single. The feelings have always been there and its mostly sexual. I always found it too much hassle doing it while with someone but I understand many are already in that situation.

I wouldn't tell your wife

[DianeT]

Hi Hazel,

First, most if not all genetic women in this forum will tell you to come out to your wife no matter what. I won't delve in the details here is a good summary they assembled: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...rom-a-GG-s-POV (you need 2 more posts to get access to the Loved Ones forum).
Don't hesitate to browse the archives, especially the Ask-a-GG threads, which are full of wives/GF comments about hiding etc. As a closeted crossdresser who recently came to my wife (after an awful lot of time hiding it), they've been to me a tremendous help and a strong motivation to overcome the guilt and shame and build up enough courage to tell.
Good luck.

[JeanTG]

Trust works both ways though. My wife never trusted that I wouldn't transition. I might not have felt the need to if she was willing to work out a compromise, but she wasn't. It was always zero tolerance. And because of that I couldn't trust *her* with opening up to her with my desire to be a woman, even if only part time. Healthy dialogue needed to figure out a workable compromise became impossible. Can you trust someone who is ready to bite your head off anytime the subject comes up?

When it became clear that compromise was impossible, I figured I had little left to lose, so I chose to start transition and HRT. And of course she blames it all on me.

[Patience]

You may not know how far you want to take it, but it looks like you want to take it further.

I'm not going to tell you to disclose your interests to your wife, but I think you should have made some kind of decision about your dressing on your own before you decide to bring her into it. No point adding her confusion to yours.

It's been two months since this thread was posted. Anything new?

[ShelbyDawn]

There are so many dynamics at play here. It seems like such a simple question, but as others have said, only you know your wife. You have years of experience with her and are the best judge of how she might react. Truth and trust are paramount in any relationship, and before anything else, you have to be true to yourself; I don't mean that you should pout your own interests before your relationship with your wife, but you have to be able to be honest with yourself about what you need and want and why. This applies to much more than just your dressing. My own experiences are not much help as my marriage was a dumpster fire before I told her end the revelation was just another can of gas.

I can recommend a possible path to take, ask for her help in understanding what you are going through. I have found people in general are more than willing to help us solve our problems if we ask them honestly, and your wife has a vested interest in helping you solve yours.