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Thread: Why are you still in a relationship with someone who doesn?t fully accept you?

  1. #26
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    I'll flip the question. WTF doesn't she dump me because I am a cross dresser who chooses to accept her wishes to not participate? This sound like one of those situations where I should be telling my wife, if you do not like the fact that I wear a wig, makeup, dress, hosiery and heels, bra, panty and slip hit the highway babe. That's the way it's going to be in this house. My way or the highway. Suck it up!
    I am afraid with that attitude, in most cases her response would be very clear.

    On the other hand talking politely, explaining your desire probably will not go away and trying to make some arrangement would have better results. and then if that fails then perhaps tell her you do intend to keep cross dressing, but will keep it under wraps. Then she can make a decision to accept, or stay.

  2. #27
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    I'm not going to answer for Linda but there is a bit of a stigma to the activity, obviously not one we would agree with but we have to deal with it as best we can. Linda will share her opinions but I doubt highly she thinks it's wrong or makes her less of a person, yet she might have no choice (currently or future, the past is just that, done and over with) and is enjoying her life as much as you or I, within the context of her situation. I'm currently a soft DADT but have hope that it becomes more open tolerance and possibly occasional participation, either way it will be my situation for the foreseeable future.

    I do not believe it is wrong, at all, but I have to acknowledge that not everyone is going to be happy or even OK with it, just as I have some very strong beliefs on topics which are not shared and even completely opposite of the beliefs of some I care deeply about. The feelings between married people as well as any children are much more intricate and often impossible to untangle but we will all have to develop the best solution possible. I truly wish it was as simple as your last two sentences and I do believe society is moving much faster than we know towards that but there will always be some who disagree, just have to learn to ignore the haters to the greatest extent possible.

    The best part of this site is that it reaffirms our knowledge that CDing is not wrong, not something wrong with us but we will likely/possibly have friends and family who disagree.

  3. #28
    Member SirDonna's Avatar
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    Are you narsisstic? No one is ever totally accepted. You look for someone who can appreciate most of who you are. This means sometimes you have to compromise and live with lesser in one area in order to enjoy greater in the whole.

    There are a wide variety of sites that explain that behavior pattern, but the simple test is "do I give up something of me, in order to make life better for another." If that answer is no, the self examination is needed.[We have a daughter like that and she is hard to live with. Hopefully that is not you.] If that answer is yes, then figure out what about CD can be not either THIS or THAT. There are gradiants, and it sounds like you desperately need to find a new one.

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member Linda K.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Julia B View Post
    Linda K,
    I think you are still coming from a point of view that cross dressing is wrong or makes one less of a person in some way.
    We all deserve to be liked and loved for who we are.
    So many posts seem to start with the assumption that we are wrong to crossdress.
    The need to express our gender identity fluidity is not a choice. It is who we are. No one has the right to tell you to change who you are.
    I am not addressing whether crossdressing is "right or wrong." The obvious thing we are missing here is if we adopt that attitude, then we aren't considering the feelings of our SO. If we say, "I want you to agree with me or we are finished," then we are trying to force them to think the same way as us, just like you think they are trying to force us to think their way. We are liked and loved for who we are but I agree with Donna, "no one is totally accepted for who they are." For the SO, we are just the best one for them.

    In my second marriage, I gave up playing in bands because I spent a lot of time rehearsing and playing gigs. It bothered my wife because we weren't doing much together as a couple and she didn't want to go to all the gigs I played in. It's understandable. But music is a huge part of me, more than anything else, and I was willing to give that life up for her. Her compromise was to let me buy a 12-string guitar and I got to play at the church we attended. But we were able talk about it and worked out a compromise that was satisfactory to both of us.
    Last edited by Linda K.; 12-27-2021 at 11:07 AM.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    My wife is very understanding but she has her limits. She will not go out with me, and although I like to wear my denim jeggings out she draws the line when we are with friends and family. Life is about compromises whether you are CD, Trans or whatever. Seeing life with a black and white perspective will only cause more angst.

  6. #31
    Aspiring Member Linda K.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angela1954 View Post
    Life is about compromises whether you are CD, Trans or whatever. Seeing life with a black and white perspective will only cause more angst.
    Agreed Angela!!

  7. #32
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    That seems like a strange questio, but I'll answer anyway.

    My life is much more than crossdressing. Crossdressing is more like a hobby with me. I love to dress and I am dressed as I am typing this, but I would give up crossdressing before I would give up my wife of forty years, my home and half of my savings and retirement.

    From your post, it sounds like you have never been in a long term relationship. Relationships and marriages are full of compromises. Nobody ever found the "perfect" wife or husband. Foe example, last night I suggested something to my wife for dinner tonight. She said she would rather not have that because she didn't really like it. OK, this means it's time for another compromise. We will have something else.

    Leaving a wife, family and home over crossdressing seems pretty extreme to me.
    Last edited by char GG; 12-27-2021 at 12:30 PM. Reason: Content of the post was duplicated
    Krisi

  8. #33
    Oh to be an English Rose Jane G's Avatar
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    Because there is so much more to life than being trans or a CD. I am certainly trans to a relatively small degree, my wife knows that she accepts that 100%. But she has her own standards, rules, placed on her from a young age by society, as it was 50 years ago. I am free to quite literally climb mountains, when I choose. I am not free to walk outside my house dressed as I am right now. I will always be who I am. I will always have to either accept or ignore the opinions of other people that my life crosses. I choose to accept what my wife puts up with about me and supress other parts that she does not accept. Our relationship is more important than the individual desires of either of us. If you don't get that then you may not yet have found the one partner that you can enjoy the rest of your life with, Happily we have.

  9. #34
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    Some times I wonder that too. But I am still with her 40+ years latter. She generally accepts my CDing but doesn't like it. There was a time when we girls would go out together 40- years ago but along came kids and that kind of ended. She doesn't like it so I tend to hid it. "My bad" I do love her which I guess is why we're still together and there is a lot invested it. I don't dress that often maybe once a month, I could dress more but just don't have the desire. I have my stash in a rented locker with a few other of us girls Lately I have been think I may be over my CDing. Is that possible that I am "cured"? doubt it. But that last few times I have dressed I just wasn't that into it. When I had the house to my self I would go full CD for days on end but lately when that happens "the thrill is gone" Is it an age thing? or have I just out grown my bra? That's my answer
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  10. #35
    Junior Member Celee's Avatar
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    We compromise something everyday of our life whether it?s at work home or elsewhere. How much we compromise is proportional to how meaningful that person is in our life. The more we care about them the more we are willing to compromise to make them happy.

  11. #36
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    As Dan Savage says, there is no perfect one for each of us. Our mates are a .69 or .75 that we round up to one. My wife doesn't fully accept my dressing but she is reasonably tolerant. I've managed to find acceptance from others who I've met.

    My wife and I are somewhat independent so I let her do her thing and I do mine. She's Australian so she spends about two (or more) months longer in Australia each year than I do, spending time with her friends and family. I don't begrudge her that (because of Covid, we spent 6 months apart in 2020). You have to be flexible to make a long-term (30 years in 2022) work.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

    https://www.kandis-land.com/author/dee/

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  12. #37
    Aspiring Member ShelbyDawn's Avatar
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    I'm not but my dressing was a non-issue as far as I was concerned. I was in an abusive marriage.
    My dressing was just one of the many things she beat me up about.
    If it had been the only issue, I might have stayed but letting my sons think that what I endured was acceptable was NOT something I could live with.
    Like a lot of other girls have said, you have to look at the total package and our dressing is just one piece of the puzzle.
    I am Me and Me is OK!



    Shelby

  13. #38
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    I have to wonder how many CD'ers that ended up single where the CD'ing was really the cause of the break up, or if it was just the straw the broke the camel's back?

    I see many here that are divorced, but say CD'ing was not the issue.

    Then I see a few CD'ers that I like to call renegade CD'ers because the message to the SO was accept or hit the road, so with that, she probably hit the road!

  14. #39
    Member Brynna M's Avatar
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    I'll speak for myself. I was a fool who saw who I thought my wife was on the road to becoming. And on her best days she is that person but our best days are rare. The rest is cost benefit analysis. Divorce is expensive. Custody fights are hard on kids. being able to wear what I want but being broke and knowing I put my 6 year old son through hell isn't worth it to me. Had I been wiser I would have fought this battle with my wife when losing was an acceptable option.
    I'm content being a once in a while girl.

  15. #40
    Silver Member franlee's Avatar
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    I have all ways been of the same mind-set as Julia B. I've been married 3 times and CDing has not been an issue in any of them. 1st one was the only divorce and that wasn't because of my dressing and she knew before we got married. Second one was a Love Story that ended in her passing. And the third is my current and last. They excepted it even though I didn't tell them until we had been married a couple of months so bailing was a option without a lot of legal hassle. But I wasn't going to change period and I never made that anything but plain. Besides they (the last 2) loved me from day one and wanted the real me what ever that included. Same as I felt for them. I don't understand how you can love someone and not want to know and want to be part of their entire life.
    Last edited by franlee; 12-27-2021 at 10:43 PM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Fran
    It's worth something just being around to Fuss!

  16. #41
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    Maybe character counts for something, to have both competence and character, as General Schwarzkopf challenged us thirty years ago. To have something inside that enables me to look myself in the mirror. King David of old described a man of great character as someone who keeps his promises even when circumstances turn those vows against him. Such a person does not always win but maybe triumph over myself is the greatest victory.

  17. #42
    Aspiring Member kellyanne's Avatar
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    " ... but if only you could see her through my eyes;
    then you would know how I feel."

    In the big picture - the world is half male & half female so " gender" issues, friction between POVs etc are a natural part of the human condition and don't go away if one chooses a single life.

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