I use the word "crossing" to sugest another perception on crossdressing. I use the term as the act of our spirit to cross over to the unkown world. To our world of insticts, impulses, and emotions.

First lets look at what crossing is. From the stand point of an image, crossing is embodying the female form through material objects (clothes). Clothes are object in the world which hold no power of their own. They are not alive, they don't have a spirit, they are empty. They are material. But anybody here knows that is not what it seems like.

Our hope is to understand the spirit that hides behind and within the clothes.

The reason why im writing this is because I have been around this site and i seen middle-aged men and older men still crossing. Which is perfectly fine, whatever makes you happy. The thing that bothers me is that i see myself in your place. Which scares me. Not because im afraid of rejection or feel shame or guilt. I am genuinely scared.

Im scared of realizing that what i feel as "me" is somehow always wrong. I don't want to be in your position. Because i want to deal with the hardships of life as 1 not as two. I don't want a different personality to get certain things from the world (attention, love, affection) just because the other is incapable of doing it. I want it to be all through one....ME! Not a side,Not a gender, but the androgynous ME!

And if im still crossing at thirty then i feel what im writing now is empty. The person i am now is not actually here. As if there is something bigger which i am completely powerless against and no matter how much will i put into it will always checkmate me. And if thats true, then what is my life? What is my word? What is the point of trying to live as "you" when "you" don't exist? An empty vessel for something bigger.

I have purged before. Each time different, in a different light. The last time was after a horrible birthday followed by couple of hours of crying/sleep intervals. It was then i realized that it is my younger self which needs to be loved. I crossed because i was incapable of loving myself since no one loved me. So i gave my younger self an illusion. A fabrication of the presence of my mother when she actually wasn't there. So i could get rid of the responsibility of loving my younger self.

Im an adult now (early twenties) and i can't willingly and consciously divulge in fantasies, in illusions anymore. I am. And because I am then I am the only person capable of loving my younger self in all his innocence and mistakes. An illusion can't love him, she only showed me what i was missing.

Yet im afraid.

All this understanding yet i see in front of me future selves. And sayings like "it never leaves" or "it always comes back" which leave me with no defense or offense. And im afraid.

Afraid that after ten years i might still be incapable of loving my younger self. After ten years i still might be tightly tugged under the bosom of my spirit mother, my anima, still chasing something that is not as real as me.

Infact reality seems to be quite opposite. Here i think i will be thirty and living life as me, no need to consult material objects to get love. Yet i see the opposite. Men giving their anima names. Who have their own reasons and their own philosophy but i see myself in them, in you.

And for you i have a few questions:

Did you ever think that you will never cross again? If so how many times? And how sure were you? What was your reasoning behind it?

How did it grow to be a bigger and bigger part of your life? When did you name her? Why?

Do you ever feel "spiritually" trapped by the clothes?

Rather then feeling guilty/shame afterwards do you ever feel empty?