While I have had periods of denial, I know I AM a woman. Transition for me has been more than a 40 year struggle. I remember very clearly thinking something was wrong with me at 5, and I developed my first transition plan when I was about 12. I have so wished that "wanting to be a woman" in the way suggested here was enough to move me further forward in my transition. I have felt such desperation and regret that I wasn't strong enough to put aside my fears, depression, disappointment, anxiety, and shame those many years ago. The biggest irony in my life is that struggling with my transexuality has made it so difficult to address it as the core issue in my life. It is part of why I don't have the money for surgery and the kind of support that I feel I need to succeed in my situation.
What I "WANT" is for the society to accept me as a woman, but with my height, bone structure, and features this isn't likely to happen regardless of how much surgery I have. Hormones have worked a little magic, but I am always going to be seen as a transwoman first. While that is getting easier to accept as I move forward it hasn't been at all easy. Recent social changes are making it a bit easier these days, but I still feel like I am bearing a heavy burden. Some people have written that they wish they could transform in an instant, or start over if it were possible. I guess I will endorse this view as well, but I would settle for a body that just presented more possibilities or to be 12 or 15 again in today's social climate.
