Came out to my wife just now, no big deal yet!

[jamielynn_ca]

Hi friends - a quick update 2 weeks later. And many thanks for both the advice and support.

Good for you Jamie. Congratulations on doing a super scary thing! ... Though it does not sound quite like the DADT relationships I have heard of. ... Are we missing some part of your story?

You're right Nadine, and as other folks have pointed out, it's not really DADT. Not missing much, just a misunderstanding on my part in terminology. The real outcome is "I don't want to see it, I don't want to participate. But let's communicate." I haven't really asked for participation, just some acceptance, but of course I would love to have my best friend also sometimes be willing to go out with me. Maybe with time that will come.

Jamielynn,
That's the hardest part, well done ! ... You don't mention if she's seen you dressed or how she feels about it !

See above... not interested in seeing me dressed.

Good for you Jamielynn. Just don't push for what next, Keep things nice and slow. You have a good jump on it now girl.
Angie

I'm definitely trying to go slow, but suddenly she's seeing things she hadn't noticed. Like my eyebrows, or trimmed arm hair, clear toenail polish, etc., which I have been doing for a while but now it's in focus.

Ivy and Jennie say:

It is great that she is understanding. That must be a great weight lifted off your shoulders.

It is for sure. What really sucks is I feel soooo much better, but now she's sharing the burden, maybe carrying the bulk of that weight. I've had 4 or 5 months to process this, she's had 2 weeks. And holding up I think, but I feel horrible that SHE has to deal with this.

Congratulations! ... my observation is that it's best if you can keep it at the surface -- gentle joking... if she joins in, it's a better indication of acceptance than just saying so.

This really seems to be a bright point - she jokes to ME daily. Sure sometimes it's just by calling me a weirdo, but it really has been at least some daily acknowledgement, and almost every day either a light discussion or occasionally a deep question. Short sessions, spread out between daily life and dealing with kids, work, school, car repairs, etc. But I'm hopeful that she will eventually accept this part of me, because it ISN'T DADT.

Hi Jamielynn,

Congrats on taking a step forward in your journey. Well, the cat is out of the bag now and it does seem while you are in a DADT relationship, your wife seems open to some discussion. ... you would be wise to try and keep the dialogue open just to avoid confusion on both your parts.

Hugs
Isha

This is what I hope for and it seems like it's not really DADT - communication is daily now for the last two weeks (even a little email while I was away for a bit), at some level. Isha, you're always spot on, and hugs back to you!

That is a huge step for you! Good for you for being honest! ... Getting into a support group is the best way to get out there and meet other CD's around you. ... Support groups will allow you to just talk openly about the issues that we all face

The great part is she's interested in going to the next Tri-Ess support group to meet other wives. Again, cautiously optimistic of some acceptance.

That's great Jamielynn! It is one of the scariest things we have to do, but oh my gosh what a relief it is especially when they reacted like it's not a big deal. Keep us posted on how things are progressing.

I'd like to restate what I said after a few weeks of discussion - I think maybe acting like it's not a big deal at first is a coping mechanism. Rationalization, etc. The truth is it IS a big deal, but dealing with it with an open mind is key.

Good on you JamieLynn. It's not over for sure but open and honest will win out. Invite her here if she wants to do any kind of a deep dive. If left to her own searches, she may fuse some really scary sites.

I know, I'm nervous about that "wives" site - but I'm equally nervous about sharing our little private corner of the world. Have I been too open here? I'm not ashamed of anything I've written, but if this isn't one of my places rather than "our" place, can I always be open and ask questions without them being possibly misinterpreted before I have the opportunity to process them myself?

Thanks again everyone. I hope I haven't made this look easy or look like I'm gloating. This is really really really hard. It looks like it's going to be OK. I think the signs are there that acceptance is possible. I remain cautiously optimistic, hoping for the best outcome. But if you're on the fence about sharing with your wife or SO, I'd say only do it when you know you're ready or you have to. It has NOT been a cake walk. This is real life, playing for all the money on the table, betting your relationship. And who knows what the next 1, 5 or even 10 years bring. Maybe I'll look back on this with regret, or just maybe, it will have made our relationship that much deeper, real and sustaining. I can only hope.