How can I get over my self hatred?

[mikeyp]

So, as I've posted in threads before, I have a fetish. A fetish that came to light only within the last year(I'm 22). Part of me is attracted to women. Part of me feels the need to "be" a woman as a bdsm thing I guess you could say. I enjoy reading lots of TG erotica, forced fem, etc. At first, it started out as a very pleasurable activity. After about 6 months I felt like a changed person. I felt that this part of my sexuality was seeping into my very being. I'm in total bliss when associating myself with anything "girly". Tutus, short skirts, lace panties, you name it. I actually found out my love for this genre because of my original fetish of being an adult baby. I remember finding the thought of being a "sissy baby" to be extremely arousing, it then turned more towards just the "sissy" aspect and I dropped the adbl stuff all together.

The feeling of excitement of these feelings turned to disdain. I hate this part of myself. I loathe the feeling of being helpless, weak, and controlled. I then turned to reddit and started to wonder if there were indeed more people out there like me. I was met with, "you're probably trans with internalized transphobia. That's why you have that fetish". That comment pretty much scarred me for life. I started to feel a lot of hatred for the trans community and especially towards myself.

I get so embarrassed by the fact that feminine acts and items turn me on. I HATE this feeling. I wish I was as some here and just felt "normal" to dress, but it doesn't. Dressing just becomes exponentially more arousing. It's a feeling of pure euphoria for me sexually to feel "feminine". I'm scared of what I am and what I might become. One thing is for sure though, I AM transphobic. I want to not be transphobic, but my first experience with trans people online was AWFUL. I try to see them as real people, but I see a lot of them as ignorant and cold.