How can I get over my self hatred?

[mikeyp]

Awesome reply Reine... Yes, as a child I was extremely fascinated by diapers, age play, crossdressing, foot worship, that kind of genre of stuff. As I said, my main fetish was ADBL stuff, which then moved on to the sissy stuff, these seemed to be related genres. I think to myself, "I managed to live 21 years of my life as a happy person until I discovered this side of me. Is it the porn or is it really me?".

I can honestly say that I don't even try with women. All my life it's been "oh, I'm too short", or "nah, I'm not the best looking guy", so I've found myself retreated into my own fantasy life. It was in fact one rejection that led me into the "sissy" stuff. I was at one point actively seeking a girlfriend, but I kinda gave up without actually trying. My self esteem is probably lower than 99% of the whole male population. On the surface I seem to have it all together, know it all, etc, but in reality I'm a piece of paper. The slightest criticism will send me spiraling into extreme loathing and depression.

I've also been known to fall into addictions. Before the sexual stuff, it was video games. I'd literally fixate on video games for 15 hours a day. Nothing else mattered but my enjoyment. There's also my case of severe OCD which I was hospitalized for because they thought I was actually going to commit suicide even though what I had was horrible intrusive thoughts. At one point I had to avoid all sharp objects in fear of accidentally stabbing myself or another person. Sometimes I'm unable to wear certain fabrics on my skin as well. I remember as a young boy I couldn't wear pajama bottoms to bed because when the blanket touched my pjs, it felt so weird.

I hate to be explicit, but sexually intrusive thoughts occupy my very being. I'm not going to deny the fact of what turns me on, but I find myself fixated on what turns me on and when I'm going to be able to pleasure myself probably every minute of every day. The desire to feel that pleasure only rises as I engage in the compulsion more. The food analogy was spot on. It used to be like a once a day thing for me. Now, it's more like a 4-5 times a day thing and it keeps me from actually meeting real women because I feel like I can get everything I need on my own.

I'm not worried about my sex life with a GG though. I know 100% I'll be able to perform well, and have "tested" that theory. I do however want to be at optimal arousal levels when in a relationship, hence why I kind of feel the need to leave this part of me behind just for a little while until I can get all of my thoughts settled on what's good for me and what isn't.

To the hormones thing, I can honestly say that I've made my decision regarding that though. Being that I do eventually want to become a father one day and don't really want to grow breasts. I'm not super interested in this as of now. If there was something I could take to reduce my sex drive and not cause those side effects I'd be game for sure. A lot of it right now is just embarrassment to me.