Ok, so, full disclosure time...one of the main reasons I joined this forum was to gauge how much crossdressing truly means to me. That is to say, do I actually care about making dressing a significant part of my life, or am I just going through a phase?
Yep, I'm going to stop myself right there. I know that the phrase "it's just a phase" is one of the most insensitive things to say to/about any LGBTQ person, but if I'm being honest, it's the most difficult question (and believe me, I have plenty) that I'm facing right now.
To clarify, I've only been seriously crossdressing for about 1 month. When I say "seriously," I mean actually making an attempt to pass and think of myself as anything other than a cisgender man (I'm thinking gender fluid?). I dressed in women's clothes/drag as a clear joke during Halloween twice, but only recently have I actually been putting effort into doing my makeup to legitimately feminize my face, dress in practical, tasteful women's clothes, and act as I genuinely feel in the moment of being dressed (as opposed to "acting" like a woman for comedic effect). Yes, yes, I know, I'm ashamed for having ever even thinking that crossdressing is a funny, outrageous stunt. That being said, even when I DID dress to be "funny" and "outrageous," I did, on a very significant though deeply repressed level, enjoy it beyond those reasons.
This brings me to my problem though. Now that I've been doing more soul-searching about my gender, I'm still finding myself questioning my intentions. Since growing up beyond my aforementioned juvenile experiences, I've become increasingly invested in LGBTQ issues. For example, I'm a teacher and have dedicated most of my extracurricular output to supporting the LGBTQ Center at my school. This, however terrible it might sound, brings me to my first "wrong intention;" do I only THINK I like crossdressing/am non-gender conforming BECAUSE I've dedicated so much time and effort into supporting and reading about LGBTQ issues? Am I experiencing some kind of Stockholm Syndrome to being a part of the LQBTQ community?
I recently began a topic on this forum that has garnered quite a bit of attention...some of which, I feel, isn't for the best of reasons. I'm referring to my "Influence of Girls Toys, Games, and Media" topic. Several replies to that topic (and even a couple private messages to my inbox) suggest that I'm trying too much to justify or find excuses for my crossdressing and that doing so is reflective of personal anxieties that I'm experiencing--that I should just embrace who I am rather than worrying too much about why I am who I am.
To be clear, I'm glad that others are questioning me on this; I'm not insulted or trying to sound indignant. If anything, those responses have gotten me thinking about this underlying issue even more. What I've been thinking about most these past few days relates back to my concern in THIS topic and my second "wrong reason." That is, am I trying to explain, rationalize, and justify my crossdressing BECAUSE I'm uncertain about it being "a phase?" If I truly am genderfluid, shouldn't I be less worried about wanting to explain it? If it's true, shouldn't it be easier for me to just accept it? Doth I protest too much?
I have other concerns about dressing for the wrong reasons too, like "Am I crossdressing just to be edgy/cool?"
Urgh, I feel like I'm digging myself into an even deeper hole at this point, so I'd better stop. I guess the best I can do is pose my concern as a question to you all: When you started crossdressing, did you worry about it being "just a phase?" And if so, how did you overcome those worries? How/when did you know this would be a lifelong, significant part of your life and identity?
