Potholes in the middle of the road

[Lisa Maren]

I've been thinking...

I dress when I can (as completely as my current possessions allow; I would dress completely if I had everything). I enjoy practicing feminine mannerisms and my feminine walk and more. I return to drab mode when I have to.

If I am a "bigendered" person or a mix of male and female such that I were to fall in the middle of the continuum and if that's what I'm living now (I basically am) why am I still not happy? It doesn't add up, to me, that it's because the balance is off somewhat or that I'd be happier dressing in an androgynous manner. I think I would personally still feel a bit muted and repressed that way. Besides, even if I'm not wearing what I'd like to, the percentage of feminine life and masculine life should feel somewhere around "right". Yet, it doesn't.

I want to shave my body hair and facial hair for good, pierce my ears, grow my hair long, etc. This picture doesn't seem to be that of a guy wanting to return to male mode. My idea of going back to guy mode (if I even do really want to, which is quite debatable) is leaving my hair long, earrings in (even if small), body hairless while wearing the guy clothes. That is not very symbolic of someone with a strong masculine identification, I don't think. It seems more like a person who never wants to be entirely without her outward expressions of femininity.

Is there anyone out there who felt initially uncomfortable with living life partly feminine and partly masculine (ftm or mtf) but later came to realize it felt right? (Please notice that, I'm not referring to the logistics -- I know it's not an option for some to make many changes. I'm asking only about whether it felt right.)

I guess I'm trying to distinguish whether I'm going through a phase of discomfort or seeing a true indication of how strong my femininity really is... or just still floating down that river in Egypt. (Here's a dirty little secret, or not: that "river" feeds right into Sh** Creek at the end! I'd better not lose my paddle! lol)

(Side note: I just thought of something else. I'm a member at a healthclub and I never was totally comfortable in the men's locker room, nor in any of the boys' locker rooms in my school days. I imagine that most men walk in and out without giving it a thought, but I'm never totally comfortable in there. It's not unbearable comfort or anything, just something tangible that I notice and seems out of place... from my drab point of view anyhow.)

Hugs,
Lisa