Let me give more information as to what I'm looking for.

I want to clarify to myself and whoever else I should need to (particularly an SO if I ever have one) whether or not I feel the need to transition as well as whether or not I actually will transition (not all TS transition, of course). I want to understand whether I'm a mix of male and female on the one hand or, on the other hand, mostly female such that it's equally valid to say that I'm a female with some male traits (and there aren't that many). I do feel pretty strongly that I'm not all-male. lol Some of us talk of having the male side that likes to ride a motorcycle or use power tools or play football and I definitely do not identify with that type of masculinity. I used a miter saw once to install some baseboard molding, but power saws kind of scare me and I was never very comfortable using it. lol The rest of the job was just measuring, nailing the molding onto the wall and painting it. It's surprisingly simple to do. Anyway, I want to be able to explain to people what to expect from me and feel reasonably sure I won't end up totally surprising not only them but also myself. I want to feel as reasonably sure as possible that I'm not going the wrong way or giving people inaccurate information when explaining about me (when the time comes). What I want to understand most of all is how to stop having battles with myself over whether I should shave my body hair and leave it for good (which is my desire) or wait until winter and only shave it for the season, for example. I want to understand how to create for myself a working, functional life that suppresses myself as little as possible and that has no more emotional wars.

As for labels, there are many personality types, but to give you examples I'll bring up two of the personality types found on the well-known Meyers-Briggs personal assessment test (this is a test given by career counselors and psychologists, so it's not something off the internet). There's a personality type that describes people who feel constrained by structure and prefer to live playing it by ear. Another personality type (which has always described me) thrives only with structures and definitions and doesn't feel comfortable proceeding before they feel adequately informed on things -- which is exactly why my femininity has held me back from finding romance. It's not because I don't accept myself. Not only do I accept myself the way I am, but I love being the way I am; I don't want to be anyone else. But, at this point, I feel that I would be asking a GG to live with a level of uncertainty that I don't find acceptable myself.

For some people labels are wrong or harmful and they are correct. For others, not only are labels not wrong or harmful, they are very, very helpful and necessary and they are also correct. Using labels or not using labels isn't right or wrong or helpful or harmful. It's only right or wrong or helpful or harmful for the individual. It's the same old adage: What's right for one is wrong for another; one girl's old rag is another girl's adorable new dress. :2c:

I do fully support those who prefer not to use labels. I see that as a very valid approach and I respect other people's preferences. It just doesn't work for me, personally. To each her own, I say. Dress and let dress! :D

I'm not afraid of finding out what I need to do to find some peace and happiness and not be at war with myself any longer. In fact, I can't wait because I have found that when I understand myself I am much more confident and way more resistant to other people's pressure and comments.

My fear, then, is of the consequences of doing what I need to, of losing or alienating family and friends and all of that. Well, I'm also nervous about finding employment after I get out of grad school or, if I open up my own practice (which is what I want to do) being able to find clients to help who want to work with me. Although, I would definitely be interested in working with other CD/TG/TS, so there could be a way to make it all work.

Moving on, my parents are know-it-all personality types. When they're convinced they're right about something it's extremely difficult, if not impossible to change their minds unless you have plentiful evidence to back yourself up. They're both also very traditional and very afraid of what people think of them. I've often heard my mother say that she's worried about seeing (my sibling's or my own) picture in the newspaper (not from having been kidnapped or something, mind you, but, for example, as a result of going out to a club). What in the hell would a newspaper want my picture for? What on earth does she think I would do, rob the place? Start a brawl? Ha! lol

I'm not really concerned what other people think. I am concerned that one of my parents' friends will tell them that they saw me dressed as a woman and then my parents will have a hard time dealing with that. I wouldn't feel guilty, because that isn't something that I control or care to lol and I really do not believe that it is wrong to crossdress or be CD/TG/TS. However, I would feel empathetic to my parents' feelings and the challenge of adjusting that they will be faced with if (more likely when) I start going out en femme (meaning when I have a wig and makeup). Truthfully, I would feel a lot better about kicking the door off the closet if I felt I had support from my family, but I don't know if I will... unless they were to be handed an MRI showing that my brain structure is that of a woman or... some kind of cogent medical results that give at least a partial biological origin or influence high enough credibility... something other than just theory or speculation, something concrete enough (they seem to prefer structure, too)... and coming from a credible professional. Unfortuntately (I feel like) I always have to qualify myself -- and well -- before they start to listen.

I am concerned that I will end up with a choice between putting a lot of distance between my family and I (not because they would ask me to but because it would be impossible to be comfortable around them) or trying to stop CDing again (and I have no intention of trying to stop again because I know that's pointless and I do wish to keep dressing anyway).

Well, this post is very long, so I'm going to stop here.

Hugs,
Lisa