Is it complete Inflexibility ?

[Dee Talbot]

Ethically. The answer is yes. Yes you can accept without participating so long as the non participation wasn't used to prevent the act (say by not allowing enough seperate time for the act). It is perfectly fine for you to choose to not be a part of the activity as it's your right.

I appreciate you saying this. It's not my personal choice of acceptance level, but I don't think we should negate that simple acceptance may be the only acceptance some CD's can get from their SO's.

Is it good in the long term for a relationship for people to keep such a big part of themselves seperate?

I absolutely don't think it's a good idea to do this. I know that, the more Barb and I "do our own thing", the harder it becomes to find things that are "our thing". But, I also understand that this is the way some marriages are. Not for me, but it seems to work in some marriages.

Do you remember or ever see the episode of Mad About You, where Paul started sleeping on the couch because he was watching TV...and Jaime stayed in the bed and talked to her sister on the phone or read magazines? In the end, they decided that this was a bad idea. That marriage needed to be a shared experience and too much alone time wasn't healthy. Well, I agree with this philosophy.

Some CDs may feel an aching need to be seen by their partner, to be loved totally rather than just for their masculine role.
For them participation may be an important thing for them.. however that involves mutual consent and so, from the ethical rights perspective it is something that can be asked for but never demanded, never expected.

When Barb came out to me, she misunderstood the acceptance I was offering and told me she was putting Barb back in the closet. My heart broke because that wasn't what I wanted. Not what she wanted. And it was only with me trying very very hard to communicate my acceptance that Barb heard my words. She was willing to give up dressing if I didn't want to participate. My acceptance wasn't enough, so I understand exactly what you are saying here. I can't get inside the mind of a CD to FEEL that need. But, I understand. And I appreciate that you agree that this involves mutual consent----freely given, not demanded

In any case it is hardly acceptance if the subject is a taboo. a don't ask don't tell policy. However that doesn't mean that participation is mandatory.

Again, I agree with you. I think that in any marriage, lack of communication on any issue can only erode the fabric of the marriage. I feel real sorrow for the CD's who can't discuss this with their SO's. But, I also feel sorrow for the SO's. I feel sorrow for the fear and sadness that they must also be feeling.



What I take from this discussion is that we are both agreeing on the issue, just with a different perspective....if that makes sense. I think we both seek the same end result, we may just take slightly different paths to reach the destination.

Dee

(Zee, you posted while I was posting so I didn't catch your thought until after I hit enter. Thank you for your answer too. It was very well thought out. BTW...it's very hard for me to think of you as Zee, as a very good GG friend of mine is a Zee. Do you mind that everytime I see you post, I think of a Filipino woman who is around my size and has a biting and intelligent wit ?)