So.... why DO you hide it?

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Carol,

I knew a T-gurl in the past that was exactly like this. Had been married to a wonderful woman for a number of years and within six months went from "I'm a crossdresser". to "I'm a Trans-Sexual and want a sex change NOW"....This was a totally and completely selfish choice that he made and did not even once consider his wifes feelings or thoughts, he just decided one day that he was going to become a woman.

Kandis

Wow, you and I might know this same person as the circumstances sound identical. This happened around 2001 up in Dallas area.
Even though I was not happy (personally) over the choices he made, I'm still his friend. Doing what he did came with a HUGE price as he has children as well.
There are times where he eludes to thinking it would have been better had he kept everything in the closet because even though his SO (on the outside) was saying that she was accepting of his (then) behavior, she was telling my SO a completely different story. When he decided it was time to be all he/she could be, his marriage was essentially over.
It was an awful time watching that train wreck happening, but we still gave them both as much support as was possible.

*Much hugs*
Zara

[KandisTX]

Wow, you and I might know this same person as the circumstances sound identical. This happened around 2001 up in Dallas area.*Much hugs*
Zara

Nope.. this was in SD almost 14 years ago.

Kandis

[xexoticx]

ive been dating my g/f for 2 year now (and a year and 1/2 previously when i was in highschool) and im 22. she doesnt know that ive dresser since i was like 14 but has found some pics of me on my computer and when i had the chance to tell her i cheickened out at the time and said it was just experimental. but since then ive baught way more clothing, make up and accessories and sort of sitting on the fence of making a transition and feel flustered about it all. its not really worrying about telling her she is really open and understanding but i know my parents would not like it one bit (very stubern and oppinionated at least) and would be a rought go at work although i already get picked on as being the girl on our shift and ive just shrugged it all off and take it all in. i prolly can't pick one thing why i hide it, maybe it all, but there is a few things it prolly could be. might be the fact its a really small town and the fact of not being excepted by people because there is one person that was married with kids and transitioned and all during it was a constant joke behind her back. as for hiding it im still young and know its not to late to just come out, i just need to get enought nerve to come out. i would love to be able to live a normal life the way ive dreamed it

*hugs*

[Stacye Rose]

"Wow, you and I might know this same person as the circumstances sound identical. This happened around 2001 up in Dallas area."

Zarabeth, This must be more common than it seems. I had someone I knew who experienced this very sort of sudden transition in the metroplex in 1998. She went from dressing one day to transitioning the next. This individual was extremely selfish about the entire ordeal and left a very devoted SO with an extremely bad opinion of anyone remotely connected to the TG community. It's entirely possible to take the "to thine own self be true" to far.

[penny74]

I keep my secret out of fear. I suspect she knows I wear her clothes and she has seen me in her jeans and an outfit I was going to wear for halloween that was a skirt and top and I wore her bikini bottoms while on our honeymoon in Jamaica. She does know and accept that I wear only panties and no mens undies. Funny thing, she made a comment one night last week about me being more "girly than manly, but in a good way". She explained that I have an unusual appreciation for her shoes and clothes and well, that I wear panties ( she does buy the cutest shoes ! ) . I asked if that bothered her and she said not in the least. Maybe that was my chance to drop the hint. I almost confessed , but chickened out. I do plan to tell her, when the time right.

[L.A.Dawn]

(please note --I'm a relative newbie to forum etiquette and tech, so I can't get this into quotes, although I think it could be my old browser...

JiFem911 wrote:
Her reaction was disgust and when she talked about it she refered to it as "my problem" so I still hid and dressed. She never caught me dressed, but at times I would get careless and leave evidence. whenever she found evidence and confronted me it would be another guilt trip and a whole load of shame. I wondered if being up front with her had been in my best interest. I didn't want to lie but hiding was the only alternative if I were to continue dressing.

I divorced her after 10 years and when I started dating the woman who would be my second wife, I wanted to be truthful with her so again, I told her that I enjoyed dressing. Her reaction was sadness and she was convinced that dressing would turn me gay. I also felt guilt and shame with her and I kept it hidden. It seemed that every time I tried to be honest and open, I suffered the consequences.

My second wife was never mean or vindictive, she just couldn't understand how a heterosexual loving husband and father could want to "be a woman". My frustration kept me in the closet and I still had to sneak to dress and kept on living a lie. So for me, telling my so twice only caused me to be more decietful. I lost her to breast cancer in August but now I still have family that doesn't undrestand so I'm still hiding.




Ji, I am so sorry that dressing has been so painful for you, and I hope and pray that your new SO is open and loving about it -- you need and deserve, as do we all. So many of us encounter shame as we go through life for a variety of issues, I'm so glad that this site is here to provide love and support.

I think Ji's experience shows the GIGANTIC generational and cultural gap that I at least am witnessing here in L.A. between the new generation(s) open acceptance of cross-sexual lifestyles, and those of us from the "old school", which has a lot of great things to say for it, but Crossdressing acceptance is not usually one of them.
I realize that L.A. is eons from some areas when it comes to acceptance, but we all need to find the community that supports us, be it within a strictly Christian community or a more open-minded city.

I myself could not be more supportive for heterosexual dressers and their spouses, despite the fact that dressing takes me to a very bi-sexual place.

As for "coming out", my closest friends already know, but my hesitation is more due to my appearance at this time than my fear of losing friends or family (point me to the make-up section - lol!)

Again, thank goodness for sites like this --we all need to know that we are not alone.

[Nicki B]

Is there really nothing you're not proud of that you've maybe 'forgotten', or glossed over?

Since I am 47, it would take me 47 years to tell someone everything. My experience is, so far, that most men just don't want to hear it. Most have been so caught up in their own lives that they are not interested in my past...

I believe you've answered the question - yes, there are things you gloss over.... I rather think that makes you human.



PS - Dawn - to simply quote somebody, use the 'Quote' button on the bottom RHS of their post?

[Melora]

OK, I am sure that I am just repeating here, BUT.. For me..
I did not tell her before I married because I "Feared" rejection, (Iwish I did it all differently). Why I am not "out" now?, Because I live in a Real "Hick" Community, and I am quite "known", if you know what I mean, = I might be beat to a pulp, (already have), or Die I fear.. A "small" rural community I am afraid is soo much different than a city, But soo much more "free", only in a way..
Melora

[julia ann]

In my case I "knew' I could quit at any time when I found that right person. Well, maybe that was just a presumtion on my part. My wife found out and went through the roof, I went into therapy to "cure my problem". After talking many years to my therapist and learning that there are many of us and the discovery of the internet I have come to the conclusion that this is who I am and while I still need to hide it from her[Ithink she still suspects] it is who I am and must be to be whole. It would be alot easier if she could understand.

[Jilmac]

The truth is black-and-white...it's either true or not true...grey is for excuses and partials truths.

I have always been honest about my past. It goes back to, does a person want to hear it. Since I am 47, it would take me 47 years to tell someone everything. My experience is, so far, that most men just don't want to hear it. Most have been so caught up in their own lives that they are not interested in my past...they just dump their stuff on me and look for me to help solve their problems, stroke their egos...blah, blah, blah. It's just the type of personality that I attract. I am guessing that I attract them because I am open-minded and honest - say what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. Granted, there are many men who do not like my style and it doesn't bother me in the slightest...I am not on this planet to live their life for them nor for them to live mine for me.



You knew how they felt yet you married them anyway. Have you ever asked yourself why? Is it about having the woman that you want? Is it about staying, emotionally, unavailable? Are you addicted to rejection of your crossdressing? I can think of so many questions. Maybe some of your answers may be the answers to this thread topic.

No, hiding wasn’t your only alternative. Not getting married in the first place, when you knew how she felt, was your alternative.



Perfect! And it’s that living the life of something else that one creates the lies to hide the truth. So why do people hide things…that list is endless but the truth of the matter is that when one wants an orange one will act like an orange for as long as one can pull it off. No one is being done any favours by hiding who you are, least of all yourself.


Wickanne

Wickanne: It's easy for you to say I shouldn't have married the women I did. Do you think I should have stayed single all my life? When a person is in love with another person is he supposed to turn his back on her because she doesn't understand his compulsion? You seem to forget that marriage was their choice as well as mine. Should we have forsaken each other and gone our separate ways?

I had twenty six wonderful years with my second wife. I chose to hide my dressing from her because of her insecurity about my masculinity and my sexuality. She had a gay brother who was also a transvestite in his community. She loved her brother, and even though she accepted his gay lifestyle, she still had difficulty understanding it. The same held true with my dressing, she was not able to undrestand my reasons for doing it.

We took a vow for better or for worse. That meant us for each other, not just her for me or me for her. Yes I felt a great deal of shame and guilt because I didn't want to be deceptive in our relationship. If you think I was being selfish by still dressing and hiding it from her of my first wife, then you've got a twisted sense of perception. Nobody is perfect in this life, and marriage is give and take. I did my best to be a good husband and father in spite of my dressing.

I chose to hide it from my wife and family to avoid shame and embarassment on them, and now that my wife is deceased and my family is away from home, nobody will be embarassed. I have a new love interest and I intend to tell her of my dressing. If she is willing to accept me in spite of it, it will be a win win for both of us. However, if she has difficulty understanding, then I will choose to hide it from her as well.:2c: Jill

[bEEb]

Hi Girls!
Newbie here. I (was) VERY excited to read this thread....
"It is merely to know more about your mindset, not to judge, ridicule, or ".....
Geesh, what happened?

[melissacd]

I realize that some feel that what Wickanne is saying seems too black and white, however, there is great wisdom in what she says.

We can come up with all sorts of reasons why it is that we can justify hiding this part of ourselves, especially from the ones that we proclaim to love, but in fact I realize that that is just plain wrong. How are we ever to have complete and honest relationships if we do not speak our truth right up front. I am so guilty of believing that I can introduce truths later and love will save the day, but that is, as my ex kept saying to me, not fair.

In as much as we may want acceptance and say it is just clothes, the reality is that some people really have huge difficulty with cross dressing and no amount of anything will change their mind on this. We have to give them the choice by telling them the truth. We have to accept that by telling them the truth they may walk away.

The major reason that my spouse of 25 years walked away from me after I revealed the truth was because she felt betrayed, she felt that I had taken an important choice away from her, a choice that was not mine to make. You know what, she was right. She did not like nor would she ever have accepted the dressing but the big thorn was the betrayal.

I know that had I told her I was a cross dresser at the beginning that she would have walked away right then and there, but that was her choice to make, not mine, I took that choice away from her by hiding the truth. It is not up to me to decide whether or not she can/will accept this in time, that is her choice and I took that away from her until so much time had passed that the eventual revelation, to sooth my guilty conscience, was total devastation for her.

The plain and simple fact is you have to tell the truth right at the start, there really is no excuse for withholding it. You have to give them the opportunity to choose from the beginning. A potential partner must be able to make an informed choice because it affects their lives too. To not say anything is a very selfish act on our part and I see that so clearly now.

[Nicki B]

..how is that glossing over something? Since you do not know me, I would expect your assumption to be wrong.

Well, didn't you just 'gloss over' an answer to my question - again?

My point being one of stones and glass houses..

[Angie G]

I wasnot big into it then my wife has known for almost 3 years now and my dressing has gone to biger and better things
Angie

[immike]

Hi again, girls...

Hers is another of those "UH-OH! Zara's doin too much thinking again" posts.

I've been involved with this for over 10 years now. Small potatoes based on what I've read in these forums recently, but in that time, I've come to learn and grow as an individual because of what I've experienced, witnessed and read. Maybe its the Psychology student in me.. but I'm always curious.

So many threads about having to tell ones S/O about their secret. So much pain that I see people endure either before, during, or after their revelation to those around them.

This question is particularly for the MARRIED/or about to BE, and CLOSETED Crossdressers. It is merely to know more about your mindset, not to judge, ridicule, or to put you on the spot. It is presented in the past tense as well as future tense.

When you go about your days as a single person and exploring your femme side, you KNOW that it is possible that you will someday meet the right person to (presumably) share the rest of your life with. Knowing that you are already a crossdresser... why won't you/why didn't you tell them before you get/got married?

My future wife would be freaked out thinking I was wearing her clothes,which I would,
secretly.I am a closet CD&I am secretly entering mothers closet,when she is not home&
dressing in her good wardrobe&outfits,especially her short mini skirts&silk blouses.I order
pantyhose out of her womens catalogs&wear them when I try on her outfits with heels.

[PeggySue]

Hmm, seeing a definite pattern in these posts:

1. Introverted young man gets into crossdressing, thinks it's a sexual practice, a "coping strategy" for not having a GG in his life.

2. Finding that special GG at last, he figures, that's it, I can throw out my girl clothes, draw a line in the sand and move on. And, having a real GG to play with is a lot of fun, and for a while, all's well.

3. Time passes. Calendar pages fall off.

4. He finds that crossdressing is not only, or not truly, a sexual practice -- it's more basic to his wiring than that. Sooner or later, the pressure gets too great to resist. But, its years later, he didn't tell her early on, because he didn't think he was going back. He's stuck with the "why didn't you tell me" problem.

I also married at a time, and to a girl, that would have made discussion of my crossdressing passion totally impossible. I'm really stuck. But I do strongly encourage others to realize, as has been said many times here, it's not going away, and wot th'ell, she might actually enjoy having you as her sometime girlfriend! Tell her!

Hugs,
Susie

I couldn't have said it better! This is basically my story too. It is only the down hill movement of my marriage that got me to wear I am now in my CDing. Basically, I'm out in public part-time, but not to anyone I know. Terrible way to have to live, but the Cding makes it all worth it.

Hugs and Merry Christmas

[Celeste]

Like melissacd- My ex would have freaked and walked had I told her. Even though my dressing was sporadic, almost non existent before our marriage,I made a mistake in not being honest. Her idea of a cd was a 400 pd guy with a shadow trying to market his body in the red light district. So with there being little or nothing available to change these stereotypes at that time,I tried to make the best decision for that period and remained quiet.

I do feel dishonest and have still never confided ,even after our divorce,she probably would get violent and try to terminate my visitation rights.Our divorce was a result of things unrelated to CDing and I only attempted to dress 1 time in our 11 year marriage, when she was away and out of town. Having grown over the years I think I would have been honest and let her go her own way.
I believe theres no justification for being dishonest in the past and can,t change it. I certainly would inform any new partner on probably the 2nd or 3rd date. Times change and we change with them.