Fear

[DemonicDaughter]

Does the fear of your CDing possibly changing the way your SO/children/family/friends think of you play a factor in not telling them?

I don't mean as in the obvious, yes they might think differently about you. I mean as in, do you feel that they will see you as something you different than they do? Is it fear of being "changed" in their eyes something that holds you back?

So many CDers on here state they they worry about their SO's reaction but is part of why you don't tell because you feel it changes you in their opinions?

Example: Do you feel a factor in not telling a daughter is because she won't see you as her hero anymore?

[Daintre]

The short answer is yes . Before my sisters had children, they were told by my ex about me wanting to become a woman. Now that they have children whom I have grown to love very much, I do not want to affect my relationship with them. I can't take the chance of being rejected by them, these are important people in my life. I am unaware if my sisters have told their children about me, but they won't here it from their uncle.

[PheonaP]

Good question DD. My SO knows but has no great interest in it. My daughter hasn't been told, but both my SO and I are of the opinion she has an inkling about it. She may or may not have told her partner.
As to my son and his partner, that would be a definite NO NO. She is as red a redneck as they come. When the late Princess Diana dresses were auctioned off, a CD from the US bid and won one of the dresses. You could hear my daughter in laws wails for miles.
"Oh my god, a freaking transvestite just won an auction for one of Dianas dresses. Why would a freakin transvestite want a dress for $100,000." and so it went on for about two and half minutes before she shut up.
Why don't I tell them? They don't need to be burdened with my penchant for the feminine, so we don't tell them.
I guess there must be few who do live in fear of being thought less of than before. Unfortunate, but that is humans for you. A fickle lot really.

[Bootsiegalore]

YES.
I have 2 sons 13 and 16. My SO (a.k.a. "wife") knows and supports. Kids do not know and I am afraid to tell them. My 16 yr old is the type who wants to "beat up" the "emos" at school. (emos - here are the guys who dress in womens low riser jeans and grow their hair long etc.)

I do not know how they would take it. I am also afraid of the business community. I am a civil engineer and surveyor and own my own firm (small - just me) and I am afraid of ostracism if others knew outside my wife, sister and close personal tg/ts friends. I would love to dress how i want every day. But i have been contolled by the way i am perceived and accepted by others all my life.

can you relate?

Tara

[Amy Hepker]

I guess I don't want my sisters to know because I was the only boy in our family to carry on the family name, now my son is. Both my Daughter and Son know about my dressing, as my now x-wife used to yell it at me in front of them, Queer, Fagot, and all kinds of other things. Queer is defined in the dictionary as something that is odd, so I guess as far as that goes, yes I am odd, but I am not Gay. The reason I do not tell my 3 older sisters is because if their husbands found out, knowing them they would use it as ammunition next time they fight with my sisters.

[DemonicDaughter]

Thank you all for such sincerely replies! I think everyone fears telling something about themselves to other people because they don't want to be thought less of. I sometimes feel that telling someone you respect about something you do that isn't considered mainstream is the most difficult because you never want them to respect or care for you less.

[angelfire]

There are a number of reasons for me, each depends on the friend. I have a few that I am confident I could trust, and they wouldn't think 'less' of me. Differently, obviously, but still be friends. I think a number of my friends would either flat out no longer want to be friends, and others might not say anything, but simply cut contact. This is how I view it happening if I told certain people.

I have one friend who had a gay brother, so he has already had to deal with the acceptance of another thing, and I would like to tell him, I know he'd understand. My only worry in this case is: When he gets drunk, he has no common sense, and I could see him blurting this out to some common friends while drunk. Friends that may not be as open minded as him.

[CrossdressinGoth]

Im basically out to everyone but my family. Right now Im at a point in which I live back with my parents (long story) so I cant dress near as much as I want to. I would love to tell my family about this for the fact Im tired of hiding it from them, but I know if I come out I will be disowned. My half sister married an african american and my parents are very racist and they disowned her for not marrying a white man. Thankfully it didn't pass off on me to carry that mindset. They absolutely hate that I have a couple friends that are gay, they never want them around. They hate anyone that is gay, bi, trans, etc... If you are not part of my families "norm" you are an outsider and they dont like you at all. I hate it and I hate how they are with it. I am terrified of them in all honesty if they were to find out. Will be interesting when I have my own place and they come to visit until then, I live in a very very small bubble

[Angie G]

The want overcame the fear and now my wife knows but she is the only one that knows.
Angie

[easy-writer]

I'm out only to my wife, and currently even that is pretty repressed. Her greatest fear is that our grown daughter--who lives out of state--will find out. Actually I think she would be a lot more understanding than my wife, but have promised (stupid of me?) to never let her find out about this facet of me.

[DemonicDaughter]

Its never easy suppressing any part of your personality, but I imagine it is harder to do so from one you love.

[gennee]

[SIZE="4"]I told my wife about nine months after I started. She was shocked at first. Now she sees that dressing is a part of me. Sometimes she will buy me panties and nail polish. Yesterday, we went shopping. Keeps getting better I must say.


Gennee[/SIZE]

[docrobbysherry]

1. CDs r very highly respected. If it got out I was one, they mite want me to run for mayor. I'm too busy, online here, for that.

2. CDs r known to be very intelligent. Everyone would start asking my for advise about everything. Who to vote for, how to invest their money, etc.

3. CDs have incredible fashion sense. All the women at work would want fashion advice. All the men would want advice on how to start CDing.

4. CDs r very sexy and great in bed. I don't know if I could handle all the offers of gratuitous sex from so many GGs.

5. My daughter would start borrowing my clothes all the time. And expect makeup tips.

6. My brother would start carrying pics of Sherry in his wallet and claim she was his out of town GF.

7. My mother would give my all of her old clothes. And be VERY disappointed if I didn't show up wearing some of her tired, old things.

8. My father would roll over in his grave, because he never thot I was man enough to CD.

9. My sis would want to start hanging out with me. YUCK!

10. I think u get the point DD.

[DemonicDaughter]

1. CDs r very highly respected. If it got out I was one, they mite want me to run for mayor. I'm too busy, online here, for that.

Yes but imagine what you would wear to the campaign parties!!!

2. CDs r known to be very intelligent. Everyone would start asking my for advise about everything. Who to vote for, how to invest their money, etc.

Don't they do that to you now?

3. CDs have incredible fashion sense. All the women at work would want fashion advice. All the men would want advice on how to start CDing.

Yes, but think of how beautiful you would be making the world!

4. CDs r very sexy and great in bed. I don't know if I could handle all the offers of gratuitous sex from so many GGs.

Again... don't you have that problem now? And yes... they are

5. My daughter would start borrowing my clothes all the time. And expect makeup tips.

And who better to get tips from?!

6. My brother would start carrying pics of Sherry in his wallet and claim she was his out of town GF.

Well at least he would have good taste.

7. My mother would give my all of her old clothes. And be VERY disappointed if I didn't show up wearing some of her tired, old things.

I hear those old styles are back in fashion. You can work it girl!

8. My father would roll over in his grave, because he never thot I was man enough to CD.

I honestly believe it takes a real man to admit who and what he truly is. I think any man should be proud to have a child that is honest enough with themselves and brave enough to actually do it. Instead of being like so many that hide behind their lives in fear of being seen as something "strange".

9. My sis would want to start hanging out with me. YUCK!

Okay, I can see a down side to that.

10. I think u get the point DD.

I do... sadly. I know the world doesn't accept a lot of things about CDers and were it up to me, that wouldn't be so. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to have a secret like CDing (though I do have my own) and how much it must hurt not to be able to share it with those you love. ... or maybe I can and that's why I care so much and am here.

[Brynna M]

I have thought about comming out to my mom. Part of my reluctance is not being accepted, but I don't really think that's likely. But i'm also worried about what this might add to her concerns about me. I've gone through several periods of depression and she had to witness several of them. I know my depression was hard for her. Part of that was she couldn't understand depression. I don't know that i could explain crossdressing any better and I don't want to give her more to worry about.

B.

[Stormgirl]

Yes,hence why I am single and will not pursue another relationship.

[Celeste]

With my ex and her "father knows best" rigid,strait and only strait family background,coming out to her might very well risk visitation with my 12 year old daughter.It's just not that important to me that others know to take that kind of risk.I am slowly encouraging my daughter to be receptive of others no matter how they present themselves and to try to look inside to see what one has to offer instead of typecasting.When she's between 18 and 20 I'm going to tell only her,I'll say"now you know why not to judge a book by it's cover " firsthand. I really trust her.

[Kayla_Gurl]

Both my Daughter and Son know about my dressing, as my now x-wife used to yell it at me in front of them, Queer, Fagot, and all kinds of other things.

Sounds like you were married to my ex-wife. She knew about my dressing before we got married, but I guess she really didn't believe it. After we got married I was called every name in the book, often loud enough for the neighbors to hear; much less my stepson who's bedroom shared a wall with ours.

[Alex-is]

I dont tell my friends about it because Im afraid it would change their perception of me and my hopeful-profession (Im a religion Major right now hoping to go to seminary). I dont want to toot my own horn, but because of my major, my opinion carries some weight when my friends ask me advice (I wish this wernt the case). I dont want to loose that respect. I dont want to be "that guy".

I dont tell my gf for similar reasons, times 10.

My parents, Its kinda weird. Im sure that they know. I told my mom a few years ago, but i think she thought that it ended. Anyway, they were painting my room, and moved the box where I kept the two dresses I owned out into the family room, and Id be surprised if they didnt see them. I got rid of them, but Im 99% sure it was too late. Anyway, they dont treat me any different, but I feel like its a giant elephant in the room now. So im more afraid to bring it up, I dont know what theyd say, and Im more afraid of the 1% doctrine holding true, and them not knowing about it.

[DemonicDaughter]

I dont tell my friends about it because Im afraid it would change their perception of me and my hopeful-profession (Im a religion Major right now hoping to go to seminary). I dont want to toot my own horn, but because of my major, my opinion carries some weight when my friends ask me advice (I wish this wernt the case). I dont want to loose that respect. I dont want to be "that guy".

I dont tell my gf for similar reasons, times 10.

My parents, Its kinda weird. Im sure that they know. I told my mom a few years ago, but i think she thought that it ended. Anyway, they were painting my room, and moved the box where I kept the two dresses I owned out into the family room, and Id be surprised if they didnt see them. I got rid of them, but Im 99% sure it was too late. Anyway, they dont treat me any different, but I feel like its a giant elephant in the room now. So im more afraid to bring it up, I dont know what theyd say, and Im more afraid of the 1% doctrine holding true, and them not knowing about it.

Now this was what I was really getting at. While reading some posts certain key words kept popping up. Things that just seemed on the edge of "I don't want to lose their respect" but seemed so rarely, if at all, ever said outright.

I think at times, its harder to admit that we fear losing the "image" other people hold of us because of things we do in private.

[Annie D]

Absolutely! It is human nature to perceive ourselves through the eyes of others. We normally act a certain way because that is the way that we are expected to act; by others. I believe that is the reason why so many of us have such a hard time with our crossdressing in the beginning.

Hey! I'm not supposed to wearing these clothes because you say that I'm not supposed to be wearing them. It is when we finally decide "I don't care what anyone thinks" that we start dressing more and more. EXCEPT I care what my wife might say and how could my kids explain it to their friends.

Society has many codes; law enforcement, fire, dress. Even though it may not be written in the company handbook, whether we are white collar, blue collar or skilled or unskilled labor, we dress the way everyone else does to fit the norm because even though we are total individual, we want to viewed in the same way as the people we work with. Do you remember the first time men started wearing something other than a white shirt with a tie? What a big step to wear a pink tie or even a pink shirt!

I think that we are overly obsessed with what others think about us and what their opinion of us is. It is when we no longer feel that it not so important that we begin to assert ourselves and let others know who and what we are.

[angelfire]

I think at times, its harder to admit that we fear losing the "image" other people hold of us because of things we do in private.

Yup, I would have to say that is 100% true. I just didn't think to word it that way.

[KellyCD]

.....as my now x-wife used to yell it at me in front of them, Queer, Fagot, and all kinds of other things.......

Sounds alot like my wife.:rolleyes: She says those kinds of things everytime she's angry, which is pretty much any time she's awake.

[deja true]

Yes,hence why I am single and will not pursue another relationship.

This may be the saddest. It included me , too. Until....

I came here and found out a number of important things about myself and others.

1) There are actually women who will accept and help.

2) The hang up that most still have about not being gay, no sir, is a false worry that needlessly stresses all of us.

3) Cross dressing is a self administered therapy that actually helps us achieve a little peace in our own flustered minds. (Thanks, DD)

4) Love for any individual is not a matter of gender. It's a matter of the heart and mind. Hearts and minds do not have a gender. (Thanks jessielee and salandra)

5) I look better with dark hair rather than blond.

Sure I still fear exposure. And yes, it's the respect thing. I don't want to lose that. It would negate most of my past accomplishments. And I'm very, very proud of them.

respect & love

deja


(And, Rotten Girl, I really don't think you believe whats in your signature. I don't.)

[Sarah Doepner]

At first I was very afraid of admitting it. I didn't want to lose the respect of one very special person. Myself. Once I discovered that I wasn't going to change and that there were a lot of others like myself out here, I moved my fear to everyone else.
Then I discovered there were other crossdressers who I could actually visit with and they were supportive and I could feel safe around. So I moved my fear a little farther away to my family.
Then my wife found out about me. And now she accepts me from my most masculine to my most feminine, so I've now placed my fear just a bit farther away.
For now it's the rest of the family, some of whom would accept me and some who wouldn't. It's less fear than not wanting to say goodbye to the ones I like who probably won't understand.
Oh, and did I mention work? Although my work has policy that would support me, the very macho world in which I work doesn't even want women in the mainstream. Maybe one of these days my bubble of fear will expand beyond them as well. I'm hoping it will. Until then, it's pretty comfortable in a bubble that gives me room to move.