I want advice, suggestions, support etc.

[Jenna Lynne]

This seems much more complicated than I originally thought it was. I'm sitting here thinking of why I actually like to dress in womens clothing and I can't really decide why. I know I like the look and the feel but there has to more to it than that.

I know I've always wished I'd been born a girl but I don't really know why I feel that way either.

I don't think there are any answers to "why." There are some theories -- is it genetic, or is it to do with the types of hormones we were exposed to in the womb, or is it due to incidents in early childhood development? Nobody really knows, and at this point I'm not sure it matters.

I guess maybe I think life would be easier because I have a lot of weight on my shoulders, things that maybe I shouldn't post openly here about. ... I guess because of all the problems I have to find solutions to and I know that being a man the world is looking to you for answers & solutions, I feel it would be easier if I were a woman.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. If you were a woman, you'd suffer discrimination in employment, and you'd be in more danger of stalking and rape.

I wouldn't choose to be a woman out of any feeling that it would be easier. If I could, I'd do it because it would be more fun!

I say and do a lot of things, some I think through and others I don't. The stuff I think through I usually look at it from my perspective which is openly and non-judgmental. It usually lands me into some crap...like the photos. I had them hidden in my own personal stuff that she had to put great effort into finding them...why she was looking for them, I don't know.

Possibly because she's insecure. Or bored. Or maybe you had already been giving off some feminine cues you didn't notice. (Like the odors from cosmetics, for instance.)

I don't really have any desire to go out into public dressed up. Not unless I could do it and be passable to the point that I looked like a real female...and nobody would recognize "me".

I think a lot of us feel that way. I certainly do. But this is an area where I've started to wonder "why." Ignoring, for the moment, the idea that someone who knows you will recognize you -- let's just talk about strangers -- why is the prospect of being seen as a man wearing a dress and makeup such a horrible thing? I'm still processing that question.

I don't want my family to know this side of me either because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't accept it either. And feel that confronting my wife about this and telling her...she'd tell them just to try to belittle me. There is another issue in my life that she did me just this way with...wouldn't rest until she made sure my mother knew.

You're in a very hard place, Kayla. If I could help, I surely would!

Seems to me you have a few options, none of them ideal:

You can find safe places to dress the way you want, and keep those places completely segregated from your wife and family. It may be a little late for that, though. Now that your wife is suspicious, spending a weekend in a motel would probably ping her radar.

You can be open and honest with them. Given what you've said about your family, this is likely to cause an uproar. Plus, if my experience is any guide, it's almost impossible to be open and honest when you don't yet have a clear idea who you are or what you want. And they won't give you an opportunity to find out!

You can divorce your wife and gradually build an entirely separate life for yourself, surrounding yourself with people who will accept you. This is easier for some of us than others -- it depends on the nature of your career, for starters. If you have a career like automobile sales, which is highly portable, then moving to SF or LA might be an option. If you're operating a family-owned farm, for instance, your options will be much more limited.

I have to say, from your description your wife does not seem to be a very nice person. (I'm aware that there are two "stories" in every relationship. You may not have been perfect either.) Are the benefits of being married to her really worth the emotional cost? Only you can answer that, in your own heart.

***Jenna Lynne***

[`Kayla`]

Are the benefits of being married to her really worth the emotional cost? Only you can answer that, in your own heart.

You just don't know the emotional roller coaster I've been on since I've been married. Yes, I am sure I've not been the best husband in the world and I've done my share of bad and wrong. I'm not trying to paint her as evil and me as being the angel here and I know most of you know that. But at the same time if you could just live a day or so in my shoes you'd see exactly what I was up against and why I just can't sit down with her and tell her.

I guess bringing it to the table (so to speak) has already helped me to figure out what I have to do. I see only two options as you've stated...keep it to myself and stay married or keep it to myself and get divorced. Being divorced would offer me much more time to be "me" and I wouldn't have to hide anything from anyone except my kids.

God...I'm so sad right now. I just thought about how true that statement is...you can feel the tension in the air when my wife comes home. It's like always having to walk on egg shells around here and not being able to just say and do what I want to...who I am and what I am. I probably could think of some good examples to give about my situation but I don't want to post them openly here cause it might come off the wrong way. I don't want to post something too "racey" and then get into trouble about it.

[renee k]

Are the benefits of being married to her really worth the emotional cost? Only you can answer that, in your own heart.

You just don't know the emotional roller coaster I've been on since I've been married. Yes, I am sure I've not been the best husband in the world and I've done my share of bad and wrong. I'm not trying to paint her as evil and me as being the angel here and I know most of you know that. But at the same time if you could just live a day or so in my shoes you'd see exactly what I was up against and why I just can't sit down with her and tell her.

I guess bringing it to the table (so to speak) has already helped me to figure out what I have to do. I see only two options as you've stated...keep it to myself and stay married or keep it to myself and get divorced. Being divorced would offer me much more time to be "me" and I wouldn't have to hide anything from anyone except my kids.

God...I'm so sad right now. I just thought about how true that statement is...you can feel the tension in the air when my wife comes home. It's like always having to walk on egg shells around here and not being able to just say and do what I want to...who I am and what I am. I probably could think of some good examples to give about my situation but I don't want to post them openly here cause it might come off the wrong way. I don't want to post something too "racey" and then get into trouble about it.

Hi kayla,

After reading though all the posts on your thread, you have my respect and sympathy. It's not the best way to go through a relationship as your doing. And believe me I've been there. Trying to make things work one side is not the way to go. It takes two . To be in a relationship, where only one is trying, is not going to go anywhere. Your better off to put this behind you. When I was married CDing was an issue along with a few other things. We couldn't find middle ground on any of our issues. Even with counselling. We both were in the relationship for our children, while seeming the best thing to do, it wasn't. Just two bitter people under the same roof. It really was in both peoples interest to seperate. Which we did after twenty years of marriage. The thing I will recommend to you, when you feel it's time to move on is don't look back. The children will always be there. And here it's up to you to continue that relationship. Don't just walk out on everyone, keep strong ties with your kids, no matter what. Their just innocent bystanders. You'll probably find your ties with them will strengthen. And they'll always accept and love you, no matter what. So please do what you feel is right for YOU and your children.

Renee

[`Kayla`]

I am not nor would I ask her to take 100% into this right off the top of the bat but it would be nice. It would be nice if she'd buy stuff for me or with and show me how to look girlie but I don't ever see that happening. Some have posted that their SO's have had sex with them while they were dressed and this is something that I'd love to have as well. But I surely don't see that happening either.

I'd be happy if she'd allot time to me for it and if she happened to walk in, not flip out and go ape-crap about it. Which is what she'd do now if she were to come home and catch me dressed up. Finding the pictures was bad enough let alone all the rest of the stuff I've had to hear about it. It's very confusing sometimes around here and very very stressful most all the time.

God knows I've tried to stop this and lay it down and walk away from it but I just can't. And right now I'm back to the mostly "sexual" part of dressing that I know a lot of you have gone through too. I know if given the time and chance I could get past that again but I don't know if it'll happen or not. I'll never experience a full day of being "Kayla" without fear of being caught...and that is sad.

[emmicd]

Kayla,

I read your thread and the posts of the girls here and your posts and I feel you need to take a step back from all of this and really contemplate what truly is important to you. I can't answer that question for you. I can only answer that question for myself.

One thing I learned in this crazy and wonderful world of crossdressing is that I did not choose this life. I feel it just is a part of me as a person. I believe we all have something in common as crossdressers and usually our need to crossdress started at a young age. We all usually go through the same experiences and stages but we all have our individuality.

For me I started at 5 years old sneaking my sister's clothes and as I got older sneaking my mother's clothes. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, alone, scared but most of all I felt normal!

I've been dressing all throughout my life but have managed as a guy, going off to college, studying mechanical engineering and also accounting.

I've been lucky to meet a nice woman, marry and have a wonderful son!

I am truly blessed. I love my wife and son very much!

I still crossdress but I keep it private. My wife does not accept it and I don't need to push the issue. She knows I crossdress and buy womens clothes but she wants nothing to do with it.

I respect her wishes and do not dress in front of my family.

I think if your marraige is important to you then you need to be open to your wife's feelings and let her express herself regarding this aspect of your life.

All the girls here have given you tremendous advice and they all speak from experience. Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes and try to understand where she is coming from.

Also if you have children you must consider their needs as well.

I wish you and your wife well.

emmi

[`Kayla`]

Well, you're probably right. I probably do need to take this and put it into a little ball and shove it really far back and away from me. I know I can't tell my wife, she won't accept it, and she sure won't take part in it.

I know I should tell my kids as they aren't old enough to even understand it let alone be able to deal with it.

I know I can't tell my family even though I think my Mom would be the one person that would be willing to atleast hear my feelings and try to understand a certain part of it.

I should just push this out of my mind I guess. The times I get to dress are far and few between and growing more and more less enjoyable for me. It's depressing to NOT be able to enjoy something that makes me feel less stress and at ease.

I've pushed it out of my mind before but it came back...took some time but it came back. So maybe I should try it again and see how long it stays away.