Thanks, EVERYONE for the replies, advice, support, etc. With regard to counseling, we have checked that box several times. Each time, it has ended when the counselor "took my side," or was in some way perceived as being biased toward her. But it's not just the counselors, mind you-- ANYONE who does not agree with her no matter the issue is considered to be an offender of the worst kind. My best friend no longer calls the house-- he only calls me via cell. This guy is one of the most rational, open-minded guys I know, yet he is persona non grata because he decided not to use some advice she had dispensed regarding childcare.
Speaking of childcare, part of the reason I feel that I can't leave is the fact that I am afraid to leave her with my daughter-- the insults and belittling tones are received by both of us, and I often step in when she starts to browbeat that seven-year old angel. Needles to say, this is like putting fuel on the fire, and she typically goes into a rage, screaming at me at the top of her lungs. She has put her hands on me inappropriately, and when I tell her to stop, she taunts-- in 17 years, I have NEVER gotten physical with her during an argument. I was raised right, thank God. My mom also raised me to place happiness at a premium as long as yours doesn't come at someone elses expense (I don't flaunt my CDing in front of her. My clothes and accessories are not kept in the house, aside from my makeup stash, LoL). Yet I have stayed in this marriage year after year for all of the wrong reasons. I was ready leave after a year when she had a TOTAL meltdown about me wanting to get together with a few close friends (all guys) to send a buddy off to war by hoisting a few beers in his honor. I didn't stand up for myself and I didn't go to see him off. Luckily that friend didn't come home in a bag. I would have never forgiven myself for not standing up to her.
I have had the pleasure of serving my country in some fairly hairy places, and as a result, I don't sleep as well or as much as I should. Part of me is still "over there." However, I dont see bad guys around every corner, I dont typically have nighmares (that I remember) and I dont have any problems with society in general. Nonetheless, she has "diagnosed" me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-- no, she is NOT a doctor of any sort, nor has she studied psychology beyond the same basic college courses that everyone who chooses to go to college gets. During arguments, I usually try to break contact, and she follows me from room to room screaming things like "you PTSD a$$h0le!" I find this funny because I know how calm and relaxed I am by nature. It takes quite a bit to set me off. And even if I were some stereotype of a "crazy vet," I know that I deserve better than that.
It's almost as if she's trying to make me think I am nuts. Please keep in mind that this was happining long before I got in to CDing. "Jill" was born in the summer of 2006, and my wife didn't find out about her until 2007, when I confessed to this unique hobby. "Confessing" is one of the few things in my life that I regret, and that's a very short list. Perhaps I created Jill to make up what I was missing in my life-- a loving, fun woman who is understanding, caring and sweet. Those are some of my basic rules when I am en femme, and I make it a point to never be rude or bitchy when I'm out and about.
I'm about out of steam, but I totally feel better about being able to share what's going on. Thanks again for listening.
Jill
