Something my wife said... Need Advice

[Raychel]

I am glad that you took the time to read those post's. Now if you are sure that you can answer her questions. And you are comfortable enough hat your wife will still be there, Then when she is ready, let her do the talking. Don't try to push the issue on her. She will need alot of time to think it all over. Hopefully all will work out well for you.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

[Sally2005]

my plan is to just continue dressing up sometimes, although this halloween I plan to go 110% overboard. My plan is to tell my wife it is just an experiment. Which is actually true...although I already experemented quite a bit on my own. I'm a CDer and not going to make any major change in my life...I just enjoy dressing up and find it does release stress. The way I am coming out is to just do it...more CDing without actually putting it in words...too formal and I think it forces the issue when one party might not be ready to discuss it. Maybe better just to gradually increase it to the level you are comfortable with and show your wife that you are yourself otherwise.

[carnut62]

Well since she has already been thru the initial shock of learning about it, it is not new news. YOu have that going for you.

If you do bring it up again, things shouldn't go as rough.

That is exactly what I am hoping for. She has had 4 years to think about it if she has at all. With some of the things I have done over the last 3 years I am sure it popped into her head. I shaved my legs to see the reaction and she didn't notice for 3 months if I remember correctly. How is that possible? I guess people really don't look.

First thing you might want to do is figure out if divorce is feasible. Then, if so, talk to her about this politely, and just tell her "This is something I enjoy, If you think it will be too big a problem then maybe we should split up." But don't say anything like "I really don't want to but if that is what it takes" Stand your ground and make it sound like you are ready if it comes.

I have two kids 1 & 3, I don't think she could handle them on her own and neither could I. If anything I would make arrangements to do it when she wasn't around. If she goes for that, we have been married for 10 years now.

It is not real likely she will want to leave. You said you two are older [but what age bracket?],

I meant older than we were, 2 kids really age you, we are in our mid 30s.

Don't keep it a secret.

Believe me I don't want to.

Make sure she understands that you love her more than anything. Make sure that she knows that you've tried to give this up for her sake, but that it just isn't possible for you, or any crossdresser to do this. Make sure that she knows that when you cut yourself off from this, you unintentionally compensate by doing ugly things. Make sure that she knows that confronting this and dealing with it is best for you, best for her, best for your marriage, and best for your kids. None of this will be easy. In fact, it will be one of the hardest things you've ever done.

The way I started the conversation with my spouse is by saying this. "I have to tell you something about myself. It's not bad. It's more embarrassing than anything else. ... " My wife, however, is not prone to emotional outbursts, so in that sense I had it easier than you.

I just have to keep her out of the bathroom so we can talk. I wish I could just send her an email??? I have had several opportunities in the last year but keep chickining out. I really do need luck.

Tabitha, I am a well known advocate of being honest and truthful with our partners. I would give you the same advice. The comment your wife made could be a good place to begin. Tell her how good it made you feel to hear her say it. Then go on tell her that you are glad you are not like other husbands who would not do things like this with their wives. Let the conversation move naturally from there.

Holly, that is a darn good idea. I want to think about it for a while, exactly what I would say. I defnately want to use that as an intro line to the conversation because it really did make me feel good and I wouldn't have to lie about that.

I never dreamed I would get this many replies. Lots of great information and gals on this board. Thanks all!

By far the most difficult thing I have ever done was come out to my wife after being married for 21 years. It was a conversation that should have taken place before we ever got serious but for whatever reason I just couldn't do it. When I finally did there was all the expected strong emotions and some that I didn't expect. As she said it wasn't so much the dressing as it was the deceit, lying by ommission, and breach of trust. Some couples get past it, most don't. We were very lucky and now my femme self is just another facet of our relationship. That said, it doesn't sound like your wife is willing or able to deal with this very well. Personally I would tell her, the sooner the better, in a non threatening way. Don't be dressed when you do but do be prepared for the full fury of a woman deceived. When the secret comes out there's no going back to what most consider a "normal" marriage. It's going to come down to the strength of the relationship and her ability to forgive and accept. I wish you luck.

I really don't expect her to accept it ever, it would be great if she did but I see the glass the way it is. I just want her to acknowledge it and that sometimes I need a little Tabby time. Heck for the last 4 years we have just taken care of our kids, I could count the times we have had a babysitter on my hands and have several fingers left. I think we need some together time too, without the kids.

I haven't dressed in a loooonnnnggggg time, heck I even didn't read this board for months at a time. I was thinking how great it would be to tell her when I didn't desire to get dressed up. Just oh FYI I still like to dress but haven't done it in a while and don't want to now. However, recently I have been feeling the desire again. It may sound strange but growing my hair longer has helped me to keep my mind off the dressing aspect of myself, but there comes a point where the desire to dress has become too much.

Hugs,
Tabitha.

As well as all the good advice you have already been given

Think about this

It may be useful to tell her how hard you tried not do dress but its something you find it difficult not to do over a long period of time

Going slow is the best thing you can do try to go at the pace she wants

Slow is fine, I have kids to think about first. I think my pink fog machine is broken I believe my dressing has matured, sure we all like a short skirt or two and to look in the juniors department but I think I like the older more sophisticated looks now.

Speaking from the GG perspective, her reaction there was quite over the top.

I think what most men have to realize before telling the significant other in their lives is how strong are you in your relationship. Is there that true understanding of each other? or has there been instances where she feels alone, or not supported, or even unloved.

When we feel any of the above situations, it will make it all that more difficult to be accepting, we will close our minds, instead of listening. We will react instead of letting there be an 'inter-action' between us.

99% of everything I do is for her and the kids. I think she feels loved but she is the only one who can say for sure. I think I do more than most fathers with regards to the kids but I can't say 100%. I changed jobs for them so I don't travel all the time only a few weeks a year and can spend lots more time with them and helping her.

Learning to accept your crossdressing probably was in ways difficult for you, yourself. So know that she will have all those feelings regarding her own sexuality, she will need to know how you percieve her, does her role change, will you still love her. and if she is in anyway insecure, your crossdressing will manifest into being an issue.

I don't want to dress in bed. I lover her a lot, and try to show it all the time, maybe I can work on it some more.

It takes a lot of talk, a lot of communication, so before you go and test the waters, make sure that you connect as a couple. Since you also have young children, that is also a time in a woman's life that is full of stress full moments.

My thoughts for you at the moment, is to truly work on building her self confidence in the relationship, letting her know your their backing her so when you express your needs she'll be there wanting to be understanding of you.

Well that's my :2c: and go slow!

Thanks for the advice.

Hugs,
Tabitha.

I believe in being very honest and open, which is admittedly tough after so many years. In your case, after what you had mentioned about her previous reaction, it sounds like it would be extremely tough to open up about it. But in a relationship such as a marriage, I think you owe it to her. I question the real strength of your marriage, with the reaction she had, as it appears there is something much more than the crossdressing that was bothering her.

There might have been something else bothering her then, I don't know the answer to that one. The reaction is kind of why I keep chickening out talking about it. I know I need to but.................

[SIZE=4]My ex-wife finally confronted me about my cross dressing (8 years ago) - asking if it was just a sexual experiment or was I an addicted cross-dresser. I explained I was finally coming out, that I am a TG wanting in the worst way to transition to a woman. This resulted in a divorce. Even though we were married for almost three decades - the force of living in the gender I belong in took the majority vote. Believe me that was a heart wrenching decision. Any girl having a spouse that accepts their CD/TV/TS status should consider themselves extremely lucky.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]Older Andrea[/SIZE]

I have no desire to transition or even go full time. I like the way it helps me relieve stress and the cute clothes. I like my parts the way they are and I am pretty sure she does too.

I agree about being open and honest, as many have said here. Also be respectful and considerate of her feelings. I wouldn't approach it as in the above quote. Rather I would phrase it more like "if this is a problem for you can we try to work it out". In other words, rather than thinking of divorce as the first option, think of working on your relationship.

That's my :2c:

I don't want to consider divorce at all, I will try to give it up again if I have to.

ask her for shaving tips, let her into your world, a beautiful woman is nothing to discard. dont we know? give her the respect you would want in her place. talk to her.

I would if I thought it would be a positive response. I probably have more hair stuff on the counter than she does. I moisturize and spend a fair bit of time in the bathroom. Last night she was telling me how to use her new facial cleaner I really liked it.

I am glad that you took the time to read those post's. Now if you are sure that you can answer her questions. And you are comfortable enough hat your wife will still be there, Then when she is ready, let her do the talking. Don't try to push the issue on her. She will need alot of time to think it all over. Hopefully all will work out well for you.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Raychel, are you saying don't bring it up and let her?

[ggtracy]

I am a GG and I advise you to communicate with you wife as soon as possible. I know it won't be easy but she needs to know that this is who you are and that it doesn't change things between the two of you.

Most of us GG's, feel the most betrayal due to the sneaking and lies. If you are making small changes in your appearance, and she is not saying anything about them, I would be worried. she may be feeling like her world is spinning out of control. if she was truly ok with the changes, I would expect that she would have made some positive comments by now. however, you will never really know how she feels until you ask her.

[koolaidkid99]

Hi Tabitha. I am going to give you some insight to some of your wife's behavior since I my self am a wife of a MTF CD. We have been married 18 years and have two small children. Your wife is angry, that is obvious and she rejects the idea of what your are doing since, after all she married you as a man. She probably doesn't want to share the house with another woman, and the clothing is a threat.
My husband sat down with me after I had a had a drink or two and started from his childhood and went on down the line and told how hard it was growing up being taken to psychologists and being told he was gay.And to the extremes he hid his identity. I cried. I couldn't imagine our boys having those feelings and suffering like that all by themselves, feeling aleinated. But that is the way things were back in the 60's early 70's. It is going to be uncomfortabe no matter when you do it and when you do it is going to open up a whole new situation to deal with like boundries, and your children. I can't promise you she will understand as much as you would want her to, and I can't promise you she won't get really angry. But...she knows you are wearing the clothing by now and hasn't left you so that is something. That is much like what I did. I knew he was wearing the clothing but I just stayed in denial and didn't talk about it, I suppose that way I didn't have to face the truth. Please, if you would like to talk to me or ask questions I would like to help you

[charlie]

Karynpanties said it best. Your wife does not want her husband to be a girlfriend. You had just better find a hotel room or "boys night out excuse" and dress then.

[ann stef]

Doesn't seem like she would accept CD now. I also did my wife a favor and took four housewives and daugters to a penny sale. She said most husbands wouldn't do that. With 12 females in the car i also thought of bringing up the CD style. I didn't, got divource d later for other reasons.

[DanaR]

There have been some very good responses. Just remember to be gentle, kind and understanding of her as well; she will need that from you.

[VikkiVixen7188]

Sounds like if you dont things will definitely get worse. If you do things might get worse faster, but you also open a chance that they will get better. Id roll the dice, but Im 20 and never been married.

[fluffy_kingston]

Wow. My heart goes out to you. I am lucky to have a supporting wife.

If she loves you then why would'nt she want you to be happy? Are there religious reasons for her non-acceptance?