Surely the first one leads inexorably to the second...
Well, if you can't let those emotions free on your own, start by doing it with us? Just write how you feel, it doesn't matter if it makes no sense?What happens when suddenly before you know it, people except you to be "that" person? Then who do you turn to?
All that pain you've taken from others shoulders, you have to be able to let it out in turn somehow, it's tearing you up inside, now?
If you must have someone physical to talk to, you could speak to your GP or seek a counsellor/therapist - but you could also talk to one of those friends you've been strong for, in the past?
You might find that they come to respect you more, for showing your own feelings, at last - plus they may feel they owe you something?![]()