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Thread: Setting the stage for my SO?

  1. #1
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    Setting the stage for my SO?

    Up until now, I haven't told my SO about my dressing. As of today, we've been engaged for a year, and in a couple of weeks we will have been together for 3 years. Up until this past 6 months, I haven't done any dressing since I met her, except on the rare night when I sneak a few clothes from a GG family member's room and return them the next day. But, since the middle of summer, I've been CDing again, and more, and been more interested and involved in it: I've joined this forum, and I've even bought my first clothes for myself and would have bought more by now and have a small wardrobe if I had the space and the money.

    When we first got together, it had been years since I'd done any dressing, though I'd had the occasional mild desire or curiosity about it. I figured it was more-or-less a phase from when I was younger and didn't think I needed to tell her about it. Now, with this resurgence, I'm positive that I definitely do need to tell her, and sooner rather than later. I *think* that she'll be at least relatively accepting of it, at least I hope so. She takes me the way I am in most other ways.

    Anyway, with the background info out of the way, on to what this thread is REALLY about. Since I got my own panties and joined this forum, I've been dropping at least mild hints about this kind of stuff, hoping to try to gauge her reaction a little bit in preparation for telling her. I've watched a couple of CD/TG related anime, which I've given to her and she's watched also (at least one of them) and fairly enjoyed. She knows I'm interested in the whole aspects of playing with gender, and she's fine with that from what I can tell. She once asked me, if I could switch gender for day, and then go back to how everything was before afterward, would I, and when I told her "heck yeah", she said she would too. Through some strange thread of conversation this past weekend, body hair came up, and I told her how I don't mind most of my body hair, but really don't like some of it, like my upper-leg hair. She jokingly suggested that I shave it all off, and it was DEFINITELY jokingly, as she said immediately afterward something to the effect of, "that would be weird, please don't".

    Every time I see her (only on the weekends), I feel more and more like I need to and want to tell her. I just can't bring myself to do it yet, partly because I'm afraid of loosing her, and partly because she's very stressed right now (lots of things happening). I've repeatedly thought about telling her something like "there's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent", but I can't decide if that would be a good idea or not. I think it'd make me feel more comfortable for now, until I do tell her, that at least she knows there's something, and it'd give me a good way to start the conversation when I do tell her: "Remember that thing I told you I needed to talk to you about..." On the other hand, I'm afraid that it'll make her SUPER nervous and uneasy and worried, and that she'll try to get me to tell her sooner.

    I guess I'm just looking for advice or reassurance. Knowing that I'm going to be telling her in the relatively-near future, probably the next month or two depending on her stress level, should I keep dropping hints, should I tell her something's up, should I keep it totally under wraps for now, should I just go ahead and tell her, should I....? As I'm sure everyone else on here who's told an SO was, I'm ridiculously nervous and scared, but I'll definitely get over those to tell her, because I know how much more comfortable everything will be afterward. I've read the sticky on how to tell her, and I'll be referring back to it frequently before I tell her. I just can't decide how to handle the time between now and when I out myself.

    Any thoughts or advice at all would be greatly appreciated. Thanks sisters.

    PS: sorry for the short novel, this has been on my mind almost constantly for weeks and I had a lot to say...

  2. #2
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    sounds to me like she wants you to explore this side of you.. i say shave your legs.. see what she says then

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

  3. #3
    Senior Member Sammy777's Avatar
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    Firstly, I would leave the body hair alone for now, lol.

    She didn't seem to lean towards it with the "that would be weird, please don't" remark.

    As far as your opening line goes:
    "There's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent"

    I would reword it something like this:
    "There's something I feel we need to talk about, but with everything you have been going through lately I think it can wait until a later time.
    It is nothing bad just something I think we should talk about at some point.
    So when your ready to talk let me know and we can discuss it."


    Not bad huh? lol
    Warning: This post may contain up to 63% post consumer recycled Sarcasm ... or Peanuts."
    "Sammy, really next time do try to make your point without being quite so abrasive." -RD

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    At Jonelle: LOL, I just might, but I think I'll leave that AT LEAST until after I tell her. I think it'd freak her out even if she knew, I can't imagine how she'd react if I just did it.

    At Samantha: Yeah, I think I'll definitely leave my body hair the way it is for now. I'd be scared to shave it anyway.

    I do like that line, I'm not sure how I'd word it all, but I'd certainly lay it all out before I brought it up. I'm just really unsure about whether telling her something like that would even be a good idea, or whether I should just leave it alone until it's time to tell her.

    Thanks for your thoughts, girls!
    Last edited by Crystal Galadriel; 12-01-2008 at 12:25 AM.

  5. #5
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    I would play it down, act like it's not a big deal. But I think she has a right to know. And it's better than getting caught later. Be ready for the inevitable questions: Are you gay? Do you want a sex change? Etc.

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    She has actually asked once before, I think jokingly, if I wanted to be a girl, after I showed her some of the "weird" anime that I watched. I told her no, and I don't really, though the ability to switch back and forth would be nice. I don't think I'd choose to be a girl over a guy, I'm happy the way I am. And I'm definitely not gay. But yeah, I'll be ready for questions like that, I'm going to try to be ready for everything I can think of, which is one of the reasons that I haven't told her yet. I definitely agree, she has a right to know. Thanks for your opinion on playing it down for now.

  7. #7
    Member Sedona's Avatar
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    Yes, agree with Amanda.

    But, first off, no more "borrowing" clothes. Not cool.

    There, that said, if you're planning on getting married, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Be honest, be open, be calm, let her take the lead, it will be alright.
    -Sedona

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    Yeah, I've never liked borrowing clothes. It always made me feel guilty, but when I first started I was 12 and it was the only way to do anything. Not anymore, getting my own as soon as the money comes in. Just have to live with undies until then.

    Thanks for the advice. I know you're right, it'll only be worse the longer I wait. I'll do the best I can. Thanks for the reassurance, it really did make me feel better.
    Last edited by Crystal Galadriel; 12-01-2008 at 12:51 AM.

  9. #9
    Austrian Princess harmony's Avatar
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    looks like you are stuck with this cd thing for the rest of your life!would you share your life with someone who does not approve?you have to tell straight out as soon as possible and be carefull-a lot of ggs -like my ex-think love cures all and it will go away-make shure she knows it wont!!
    where has all the glamour gone?
    marlene dietrich is my idol

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    I have heard that on here before, about some SO's thinking it'll go away. I'm ready to explain how it keeps coming back, when it started, why I do it (as best I can), all that fun stuff. I don't think she'll leave me for it, I know she really loves me and I don't think my clothing choice will change that, but I'm still worried. Thanks for reminding me about that aspect, though, I hadn't thought about it in a while.

  11. #11
    lighter than air! jessielee's Avatar
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    dear Crystal,
    what an excitingly pregnant time in your life!
    i agree with Harmony; believe the person you spend your life with should be someone you can let your guard down around, to be in a comfort zone.
    so glad you wish to let her know.
    if she can't handle it, she may not be the sort you could be yourself around, in the long run.
    i wish you all the best.
    warmly,
    jessie
    :fairy2:butterfly girl,
    [SIZE="3"]Jessie[/SIZE]

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    when i have a brand new hairdo
    with my eyelashes all in curls
    i float as the clouds on air do
    i enjoy being a girl!

    o. hammerstein - flower drum song

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    Thanks for the support, Jessie. The strange thing is, she's really the only person that I feel like I can be my complete self around. I have what I like to think of as a "chameleon" type personality.

    When I'm around other people, I pick up on their mannerisms, words they use frequently, tones of voice, expressions, opinions, all kinds of things, and generally use them myself when I'm around that person. I don't know if it's supposed to help me get along with people better or what, and I don't do it on purpose, but I notice myself doing it a lot. If someone I'm talking to happens to speak slowly and deliberately, I do so too without even thinking about it. If they say "like" a lot, I do too. I can't think of very many good examples, but I do it pretty much all the time, around everyone, even my family, to the point that sometimes I'm not sure what my own personality is completely like.

    But not when I'm around her. When we're together, I don't usually pick up the things she says or does. I tell her what I think and I say things my way, and sometimes I'll act or speak a little more like her, but nothing like it is with everyone else. And I don't really know why. But it seems like I'm only mostly myself around everyone else, borrowing parts of their personalities in order to mesh with them better, but I can really be myself around her. It's kinda weird.

    I've never known anyone like her, which is why I really don't want to loose her, and why I'm so scared to tell her. I hope it all goes well, thank you so much for your good wishes and your thoughts.

    (PS: geez, I've got a lot to say tonight)
    Last edited by Crystal Galadriel; 12-01-2008 at 01:48 AM.

  13. #13
    Junior Member Maid Barbara's Avatar
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    Hi Crystal,
    At some stage you realy have to tell her. I've allways told everyone I've had a relationship with. My late wife decided she didn't want to see it but gave me ample oppotunity to dress, phoning 1/2 hour before she came home so I would have time to get changed.
    As for "there's something really important that I need to talk to you about, but I can't tell you yet because now's not a good time and I'm scared, but don't worry, it's nothing urgent", Don't. You'll leave her wondering what it is and she'll jump to all sorts of conclusions except the right one.
    Good luck.

    Barbara

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    Thanks, Barbara. That's what I was worried about too, making her worry so much, not knowing what was going on.

    I'm glad that your wife was accepting of you, I can only hope that my fiancee will be aswell. Sorry to hear that she's gone. I'm certainly going to tell my fiancee, I know she needs to know. Thank you so much for your advice.

  15. #15
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crystal Galadriel View Post
    I've never known anyone like her, which is why I really don't want to loose her, and why I'm so scared to tell her. I hope it all goes well, thank you so much for your good wishes and your thoughts.

    (PS: geez, I've got a lot to say tonight)
    Well, you've got a lot on your mind!

    It sounds as if she is your soul mate, and I understand why you don't want to lose her. But if you don't tell her, I think there is an even bigger chance that you will. You do not want to risk your fiancee finding out by herself. This will erode the trust between you. If the CDing is something that is increasingly on your mind, and judging by her comments, there is a chance she might already suspect that something is amiss. You do not want her to fill in the blanks with her own worse-case scenarios.

    No matter what stress she is under now, I do not think there is ever a perfect time to tell someone about the CDing. Life has a habit of always getting in the way. You asked for advice. I would set aside an evening alone together .. a romantic candlelight dinner at home?

    Then tell her there is something you want to talk about. You know it is not a perfect time right now, but this is very important since it is your priority that the two of you should never keep secrets from one another. Be sure to let her know you that you love her, and you are the same person you always were. Then LISTEN with your ears and your heart to what she has to say, and respond appropriately.

    Yes, there is the risk she will not be happy about this, but I believe it is a small risk given your ages and what I read through your posts. If she does not immediately embrace the idea, it does not mean that she will reject it entirely either. She may need time to learn more about it and determine for herself that the CDing is not a threat to your relationship. Remember, she has as much invested in you as you have in her! The alternative is to begin a life of hiding and lying - not a good foundation for a committed relationship. And in the unlikely event she cannot live with this, you will want to find out so you can make appropriate decisions for yourself.

    I wish you both the best. Please let us know how it goes.
    Reine

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    Thank you so much for the advice, Reine. I'm glad to get a GG's opinion on this too.

    I certainly don't want to hide things from her. I've been on the verge of telling her everytime I've seen her for the past month, but haven't been able to convince myself to do it. I really want her to know, because I know that she really needs to, and I know that if she's accepting of it that things will be amazing. I stayed with her and her family over Thanksgiving weekend (she's still been living at home while going to college), and I came so close to telling her almost every night. We had a bit of a spat Thursday evening, but they aren't uncommon for us and they're always fixed relatively easily, though she gets very emotional when she's upset and overreacts easily. She had problems with a friend of mine Friday, and with her dad on Saturday, and I had to come back to college Sunday. She's getting ready to transfer colleges, coming to the same one as me since the one's she's at doesn't have what she wants anymore. That means that she's getting ready to move out on her own for the first time, and she's really nervous and stressed. I really want to tell her, but I'm afraid that, right now, it would send her over the top in the stress department.

    I don't expect her to be happy about it, but I'm at least hoping that she'll be willing to accept it.

    Thank you so much for the advice. I'll plan it out carefully, and I most definitely will tell her...she's just already under so much stress, I don't want this to break her. I'm not expecting a perfect time, just one when I don't have to talk her back down from crying from the stress of everything else like I did today.

    I can't tell you how much your words have helped. Thank you again so much for the advice and encouragement.

  17. #17
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I didn't realize you were both in college. Exams are coming up in the next few weeks. I agree, this is a major, intense stress that leaves very little room for anything else. But, it is of short duration. You will both be done by mid December?

    I don't think a few weeks will make that much difference. Earlier on, I thought you were contemplating letting it go for much longer. I would wait until after exam week, so she can take the time to process the information and not have to put it away on the shelf because she has 5 exams to study for.

    I've enjoyed reading your post. It is clear you want to do the right thing. You say you don't expect her to be happy about this, but she may surprise you! My SO was nervous about telling me too. But, he had no idea that my best friend's husband crossdresses! The news hardly phased me, and I was immediately supportive. But, my feelings for him were deep, as I'm sure your fiancee's are for you. CDing does not form the totality of your being. It is only one of your many wonderful facets.
    Reine

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    Thank you so much!

    You've brightened my homework-filled night, as well as morning, and likely my entire week. I'd be ecstatic if my fiancee is half as accepting as you are!

    Thank you again for your advice, it means a lot to me.

  19. #19
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Crystal,

    Hi hun and I hope that you and your fiancee have fun exploring this together, when you finally manage to tell her.

    How soon before she moves colleges ? maybe best to leave it till then and you can make sure that you have time tog to talk this through properly without the added stress of exams and college move.

    hun and hope it all goes well for you
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  20. #20
    Nicole Jones sallyjones's Avatar
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    hey crystal i have only come out to one person and she ok with it. still i got all the questions are you gay, do you want to be a woman, and the fact that wanting to go out she is very jealous about thinking i want to cheat with another CD. the answer to all the questions of course is NO! a good way to break it to her is just by saying " i feel like i have a feminine side." and then let her take the lead

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    Thanks for the advice, Sally. I'm fully expecting all of those questions and am ready to answer them. I hope it goes as well for me as it did for you.

    Sheila, right now she's planning on moving up here at the start of next semester, the middle of January. We have an entire month off for the holidays, and I was originally planning on talking to her about it then. But I was thinking the same as you, she's getting ready to move out for the first time, and over 2 hours away from her family, and I remember how stressful that was for me two years ago, so I might want to wait until after that was over too. I'm really not sure, the extra month is quite a while to wait. I think I'll just have to gauge it off of how she's doing after the break starts. I hope it goes well too, I'll definitely let everyone on here know how it goes when I finally do tell her. Probably within half an hour of finishing our talk, lol.

    I've been up writing a paper, so I've been able to check back in here frequently, but I'm going to bed now, only 4 hours until I have to get up. I'll respond personally tomorrow night to anybody else who posts, I promise! Night girls!

  22. #22
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    Crystal.

    I feel for ya buddy but hey ya gotta get it out of the way.. I told my wife 1 year before we were married..It was at a time when crossdressing REALLY wasn't accepted or as understood..Not like much progress has been made today but thanks to the internet and forums like this you have some sort of support, for yourselve and your hopefull ..

    My wife bless her heart thought I would grow out of it and in time never wanted to believe I did it(crossdress) ..She just didn't want any part of it period.. She accused me of being gay not at first and only because I dressed (the man on man type)even to the minute I moved out and seperated she still accused me.. It really pushed me in the closet and lead me to this lifestyle I am living today 20 plus years of marriage and never accepted that part of me..I regret the fact I dress, I hate it in fact!

    Please tell her and make sure she reads up on MTF crossdressing at every angle, to understand that it will not ever go away..Set boundries let her know how far your willing to explore your femme side and it may grow or it may go away but only for a short amount of time,as you have been finding out..And for Gods Sakes don't jump out of the hallway wearing her teddy and scaring the hell out of her!! just kidding..

    I took my wife to the desert where we were alone it was quiet and peacefull ,no body around for miles. Told her ,then offered her a ride back if she didn't want to hear anymore..She chose to stay ..She said it didn't matter and it was just clothes but she did ask "are you gay"? and if I wanted to be a woman.
    I answered her truthfully ..We set some basic boundries mine are examples yours may be different..

    1. No wearing her clothes period..I am bigger than her and she didn't want them ruined..

    2. She did not want to see me dress or participate in my dressing .I was to only do it while she was away..My clothes also had to be hidden she didn't want to see them.

    I did obey these the best I could sometimes it was hard and she acted as if she wanted to catch me in the act..To only beraid and be little me. So however important dressing is to you it isn't always important to your S.O. respect that.. My wife was ok with it for the first 5-7 years of our marriage then it went south..Make sure she understands it don't end up like me and hateing that part of your life..It should be a gift not a curse as I see it..

  23. #23
    Senior Member Kelsy's Avatar
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    Crystal,

    I feel for you Hun!! I remember the time leading up to telling my then girlfriend ,soon to be my wife.! I was so scared! I was sure She was going to
    reject me but I knew that I had to tell her. She deserved the right to choose.
    If my Cding was something she could accept then we would marry. I was not going to sneak around behind her back. Well when I told her I was so nervous I felt like my heart was going to explode. She said "is that what you wanted to tell me!!" so!!! that's no big deal" OMG I am now free to be me!!

    PS of course there was always a good chance she could have sent me packing!

    Kelsy
    Born female intended

    " Don't die with your music still in you!"

  24. #24
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
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    Crystal, you are definatly doing the right thing by telling her. I told my wife before we were married when she first told me that she was interested in me. I said "There is something you need to know about me." She asked the 2 usual questions and later called me and said she did not care what cloths I wore.

    Next, the most important thing, I learned from my previous wife, was to work out with her what her comfort level was. She at first said she was fine with anything that I did, but I knew in reality that wouldn't last and that we needed to work out realistic boundries and we did. The ground rules can be revisited in time, but give her time to learn her comfort level as well.

    Another important thing in our relationship was that she chose to go with me to my first tri-ess meetings. She at first did not want to go and I did not pressure her at all, but she decided that if she was going to be with this man, she needed to find out more about it. She learned two main things from the meetings, 1) that we don't swing from the chandelier - her being from SF, she did'nt know what to expect - and that we were so laid back that it was sort of boring and 2) she learned from another CD'ers wife that "it" never goes away. My wife later told me that was the most important piece of advice she received.

    A resourse like the FAB's on this forum would be so helpful for her if she chose to join.

    Also, know who you are and what you want before you go into the lifetime commitment of marriage. If you are only CD, don't let the pink fog cloud your relationship. I say all this from my own past bad and good experience.

    I wish you and her the best and good luck on both your college work.
    Last edited by Jonianne; 12-01-2008 at 06:45 AM.
    Joni

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  25. #25
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    Ah, so young...

    CG,

    Interesting reading your posts. It strikes me that you are very young and, being young, prone to first time errors. No offense, but we're all beginners at one time or another. Just the way it is...

    The good thing about being young in 2008, is that a lot of the rules are more relaxed than they used to be. And, a good thing about being you at the moment, is that you have yet to lock yourself into an impossible situation with your/a SO.

    SOs are important; life is so much better with good people in it... Your SO, whoever they turn out to be, thinks so too or they would not be looking for someone themselves... Look then, to your mutual interests in life. Your So may or may not be into this so much, but your SO wants to be in a good relationship. Work on that "good relationship" with whoever you wind up with...

    Why not just ease into it then? Tell her you've been "thinking about things and..." Tell her that a recent movie has been on your mind... Tell her that, in all fairness, you think/feel you might be "more into" this or that than you thought. Help her understand that you are coming to understand this about yourself...

    Keep in mind that this is not an "end of the world'' issue or cast in concrete. It's just something on your mind, an issue that you give more thought to than others... Your interest is in knowing yourself so that she can know the real you and not some role you are trying to play or some trick you are trying to pull to get something dishonestly. Kudos to you for seeing that this might be important to both of you and doing something about it.

    Several times in this thread, the word "comfort" has come up. You may not know this yet, but it's likely there will be several more "important" people in your life; people you have no way of knowing about yet. Life can take many unexpected turns... Give this relationship a try and try to be fair to everyone involved. You are here to learn, and to learn and do better. If this relationship does not work out, take what lessons you can, good and bad, and go on to the next one.

    As for women... Yep, they're different. I can not really "get" why they'd want to kiss a scratchy-faced man, for example, but God bless them, they seem not be be able to help themselves. Women, more than men, seem to be honest about wanting a safe, supporting, secure, trouble-free relationship in which to live their lives. Yes, "ideally" men seem to want to be bees in the meadow, while women seem to want to be hot-house flowers.

    All I can tell you, after many years living with several women is that they have a better idea than most "guys" about what works. Try to see "their" point of view about relationships and see what you have to offer them in making a good life.

    Odds are most will go along with anything you're happy with so long as you "take care of your own business."

    CDs complain about SOs not wanting to see them dressed, etc. However, fishermen are not welcome to clean fish at the kitchen sink, Football fanatics have to "keep all that beer and noise in the living room," and, "Yes, you can go to that once-a-year-out-of-town Nascar race - but you are NOT buying THAT damn car!"

    Listen well and be considerate - of everyone involved.

    Thanks for the post.

    Good living.

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