So much in this thread hits so close to home for me. Understanding something like this for either side is so extremely difficult. I'm amazed at the open, honest, and loving relationships that some of you have with your wives (and pretty jealous, too). Like Ivy, I've always thought it was just a kink or a simple fetish - something that I could drop at any time. I'm reaching my late 30's (okay, to be honest, I'm 39 todayOriginally Posted by kittypw GG
) and after almost 40 years, a failed marriage, and another I've lovingly been in for the past 10 years, I can look back at my life and realize I've been lying to myself and everyone around me. That alone is tough to come to terms with. How does one undo 40 years of deceit? How does one even begin to live their life seemingly all over again after such a time?
There's a lot of research I've studied recently about gender dysphoria and the affect it can have on an individual and their relationships. Most people (like myself) who haven't come to grips with it until their middle-age years experience Depression and/or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. They have panic attacks, irritability, sleeping disorder, inability to concentrate, impulsiveness, weight loss, and their job performance suffers. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is also prevalent and is probably a result of needing an outlet for their gender expression deprivation anxiety. Suicidal thoughts or other such strong impulses ultimately loom and cloud out any and all rational thought.
All of this hits at a time when family and career are as firmly rooted as they are ever going to be. Thoughts of starting over as a member of the opposite sex become seemingly impossible. The responsibilities we've accumulated make us feel entrapped and enslaved to an ideal we've come to despise.
I'm not asserting that the need to crossdress is a mental illness. I do believe, for me anyway, that the debilitating disorders I listed above (and from which I have suffered) are a direct result of or, at the very least, exacerbated by my and society's efforts to impose an aesthetic and behavioral set that, for whatever reason, every fiber of my being opposes. I can't really explain why I enjoy dressing and behaving like a woman or why it has hit me recently like several tons of bricks after 8 years of thinking I'd "outgrown" it - it just is what it is. What I can do, though, is recognize the desire and do what I can to live with it. The alternative is to go the other way and ultimately destroy myself and risk seriously hurting others.
I've gotten help for the symptoms (anti-depressants) but the underlying cause is still there and, unfortunately for me, must remain there for all intents and purposes. For me, the reason I continue to lie is, ironically, because I'm basically a kind, gentle, and compassionate human being and, society being the way it is, telling the truth would almost certainly destroy my life and the lives of many of those around me. I simply cannot and will not subject myself, friends, and family to the criticism and ridicule that would incur. So I continue to lie. The status quo is simply too valuable right now to do otherwise.
So after this long reply, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we need to cut those that feel the need to lie a little slack. No, a LOT of slack. If we're doing the best we can with what we have, then back off and let us keep trying. In fact, a little help would be appreciated. I can almost certainly guarantee that you'll get even more in return than you put into it.
