I need all the advice i can get (please read)

[Katheryn]

Hi Brittany, just came across your thread.

So my boyfriend of 7 months (friend of 4 yrs) has just told me yesterday that he used to cross dress. Now, confused as hell, I turned here. I need help. I love him, more that I can describe and though I'm stuck in a world wind of emotions I do not feel embarrassed by him. Just confused.

Understand, very few people "used to" crossdress. The thing in us that moves us to do this is deeply ingrained. Whether it's genetic or deeply psychological is moot, because it isn't self destructive behavior and harmful to no one at all and yet is deeply satisfying something within us. Yes, you're confused. After all, the first thing ever said about a person is "It's a boy" or "It's a girl". Society thinks that sticks us in a box we're supposed to live the rest of our lives in happily.

See we both come from broken homes and we were both raped so we have lived some what similar lives

He was "Stephanie" when he cross dressed, a person who was so comfortable with himself/ herself (?) when Martin (him in man clothes i guess ?) wasnt comfortable.

Stephanie was never raped, has no history of ill treatment and actually, few life worries at all. No bills, no job worries, nothing. It's the biggest escape someone can make, not just to another male identity, but to escape to another gender. Women can do this with societal acceptance, to a point, wearing male shoes, slacks and a golf shirt without anyone looking at them twice, much less laughing or, worse, attacking them physically. Males can't do that.

It's important to understand that a crossdresser is different from a transexual in that they aren't headed toward becoming a woman, merely taking a vacation from their male identity for whatever period of time. You'll find the same general personality in Steph's head that you love and enjoy the company of in Martin's head.

but now that he has told me about cross dressing, I dont get it, because I dont understand.

But you are trying to understand, and that says a lot about you and the kind of person you are.

Im not saying its a serious factor and truth be told I dont mind, I just want to know why because I have always seen him as a the manliest man.

Martin might very well be the manliest man on the planet, but there's times when Stephanie needs to come out. I tried burying my dressing for years after marriage, but I realized I couldn't do it, Kate's lack of egress soured my male personality. Made me quick to anger. Made me un-fun to be around. A couple of friends, deep confidants who I talked to about this said that I had to acknowlege Kate, to allow her to an outlet, and come out to my wife as secrets have a way of eating up a relationship like acid on metal. I did that and while the conversation and the evening weren't pleasant, my wife thinking I would have the operation and find a man and leave her, she has, in the intervening years, realized that's just not true. We are a couple, forever, but sometimes the other half of that couple is female. I pointed out to her it was Kate's influences that made me a more compassionate, nurturing person and that's what she liked about me over other, more alpha, males that she had dated.

Now she realizes there are advantages to being married to a CD. She has someone to borrow hose from in the event of a run in her last pair. I will never ask "Are you ready yet?" as I know how long it takes to "get ready". I don't mind shopping in the ladies dept. And so on.

Anyway, to wrap this up, you have the chance for a long, potentially wonderful, life together. You are trying to understand a very difficult thing. Remember, when you consider him "hiding" this, it's a thing that flies in the face of the most basic societal concept: a bi-gendered world. He risked it all to be honest with you, it's very hard to carry around this secret inside, and, at the same time, very risky to reveal it, the least risk being ridicule. Yet he came out to you.

I am sure there are elements of Stephanie's personality in Martin. Try to see them, and think about how those elements might have attracted you to him. He's the same person he was before he told you.

Have a wonderful life.

Kate

[QUOTEif you get a promise from him "never to cd again" he might be able to keep it if he has exceptionally strong will but he probable won't be happy because he will always want to dress. [/QUOTE]

Ain't that the truth, sister!


Kate