I need all the advice i can get (please read)

[JOJO44]

TxKimberly said it first, there is no fear on earth greater than coming out to your SO. Being shot at, yes you pucker, you may even whine and or cry. Getting cut up, (and I still have the scars) leaves you with its own scars, both emotionally and physically . Scars from third degree burns never ever go away (though age and senility helps with the mental aspects) :D.
But coming out to my wife of (at the time twenty years), I don't know how to describe the torture that I went through. It took several weeks of false starts, stammering, stuttering . . . At one point she was wondering if I was trying to work up the nerve to ask for a divorce! The feeling for her must have been devastating and this to a girl that I would gladly donate my life to protect!
But to tell her that I dressed as a girl, that was me taking forty years of my life and telling her to destroy me if she so chose. Killing is easy, being mocked by all your friends, family and acquantinces simply because you let out that your big hulking protective personna liked to wear a bra and a skirt.
And this being done by someone whom you wanted to trust . . .
I have rambled enough and repeated what many others have already said, so in summation:
A) We are still happily married (forty plus years).
B) She does not do much more than accept Josephine.
C) She will occasionally agree to go for a ride in the country with Jo.
D) She does not want Jo to go out in public, she is now part of the 'embarrasment' factor if I am outed.
Again, I apologize for my rambling, but please think about what he went through in order to come out to you. It is a sign of trust of the highest order; he is placing his life, his future his all in your hands. You now have the power to help him or destroy him.
You were upset that he withheld this secret from you, and, in your eyes, rightfully so, but this secret is not something he relinquished lightly. It is akin to you and your buddy in a foxhole. You trust each other explicitly, both of your lives lie in the balance.
Please, you both must learn to communicate; communication is the only thing now that will allow you to go forward, either as a team or separately.
There is a lot of love, help and soft shoulders for both of you on this site, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hugs to both of you for your unbelievable faith and courage to each other at this young age.
Hugs
Jo

[ClaudiaDawn]

Hi Britanny,

I wish I could help you more, but all I can do is to share my very personal experience, since I am also just starting into this journey. I can relate to some of the thing you said about your boyfriend. I've been attracted to crossdressing for as long as I can remember, but it wasn't until recently that I was able to start understanding it and accepting it. When I was your BF age, I too tried to get rid of crossdressing, I also spent years without dressing to only fall back into it. When I got married, I didn't tell my wife, partially because I thought it was gone, but also because I didn't understand it myself, it was confusing for me, I didn't know the reason, I didn't with consequences this could bring, and I certainly didn't know how to fix it for good; how could have I explained it to her then? I wouldn't be surprised that your boyfriend is going trough something similar, he may just need to understand it and to accept it himself before he can actually talk about it. Also as other ladies have said already, being a crossdresser put a stigma on you before society, most people would be able to understand somebody being gay, but they won't understand somebody being a crossdresser. I wouldn't blame him if he tried to hide it from you, specially if he thought it was gone.
Now, regarding your question, why does he like to dress? That is something that only he can answer, if at all. Different people will offer different explanations: the fabrics, the choices, the feelings, but I think at the end, we crossdress because that is who we are. Regardless of the specific reason, we enjoy doing it, it completes us, it makes us whole, it gives us bridge to reach into the other side of our soul to be in contact with all the feelings and thoughts that society has decided that they are not appropriate for a male to express. Can Stephanie feel pretty? Sure she can, girls are pretty and nice and soft. Can Martin feel pretty? Of course not, men are not pretty, they are rough, rugged and hard. I know it is silly, but maybe it gives you the idea.
My advice for you and your boyfriend, would be to learn more about crossdressing. Not only you need to understand what is going on, but most likely he is also very confused about the whole thing. I think you can do is to not press him for answer, because he may have none, rather try to search for those answers together. You are already looking for information and asking for help, very well for you! But I think it would be really good for him to join to read the threads and to be able to ask questions; you are not alone on this, neither is he, there are a lot of us on this boat.
Also, I think is important that you two continue talking to each other, I understand that you may feel apprehensive not knowing what else could it be in there, what else is he hiding, and that feeling is not uncommon among many wives and significant others, and it is very important that you talk about it, with all honesty and with the best foot forward to get rid of any doubts and misunderstandings.
Finally, regarding your last questions, what if he still wants to do it? Can you tell him that you don't want to see him dressed? First question first: yes, he still wants to do it, you can be sure of that. The desire to crossdress doesn't go away, he may choose not do it, but the desire is always there. And I think the fact he wanted to share this with you means that he realizes now that these feelings are still there, and he wanted to come clean with you. Regarding your second question, you and he need to set the boundaries you both are willing to accept, try to learn more about crossdressing, both of you and it will be easier. Remember also that as well as he has the right to be himself and to express himself the way he choses, you also have the right to be yourself and you have the right to decide how do you want to live your life and how much are you willing to accept. You both need to understand that he needs to respect your boundaries, and that in a relationship both partners are equally important. Learn about crossdressing and help him learn, but don't forget that your first obligation is with yourself and that you have the right to be happy on your own terms as much as he does. If you love each other as much as it seems you do, fight for your love, it is well worth it, just don't lose yourselves in the battle.

I wish I could do more, but I wish the best for you two, and I hope you both continue visiting the forum. Keep us posted.

Hugs,

Claudia Dawn

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Gabrielle Hermosa- IT ALWAYS COMES BACK!!!!????!!!

Im scared because I am serious in him. I can probably bite the bullet and see him in a dress. But I wouldnt (if i had his children) want my children to see it. If that makes sence. Does it? Unless they were older of course but not if they were younger. I dont know.

That sounds amazing that you and your wife have that connection. It sounds wonderful and now I feel like maybe I can do that do. MAybe I can do that, and be like she is. I do want to be her. I want to accept it and love him and let him know that he is my man no matter what. And that is something he will always be, no matter what he wears. I think it would be best if he joins this site. I think he can get all the acceptance and love here, more than I can give to him because I dont know how it feels, personally. thank you for letting me see that it can be alright, if I make it alright. which is what I have to do, make it allrght.

Yeah - it always comes back because it never really goes away. That is something you should seriously consider as you continue in your relationship. Make sure you can handle it and if you think you can't, consider parting ways. I only say that because if you try to change him or if he tries to change for you, there will always be that underlying need (to be himself) that he'll have to suppress and in doing so, there will never be true peace and happiness within him.

It sounds like you're willing to give things a try though. That's great! Like I said - keep an open mind, and try to enjoy the experience with him. You may or may not like it, but allowing yourself to experience time with him like that will be meaningful to him and at least allow you to better understand if you can truly love your man - ALL of him, or if you don't think he's right for you. Not all relationships work out - regardless of crossdressing or not. I hope yours does end up working out for the two of you though.

It might be a good idea to direct him to this site. I'm sure it would be beneficial to the both of you.

Remember - there are plenty of very happy married crossdressers out there with very happy, accepting wives. You might end up being one yourself. It's an amazing journey, if you think you're up for it (or that it is right for you).

[MsJanessa]

well the good news is he told you early on in your relationship. Imagine your reaction if you found out after 20 years of marraige. Further good news is that he, like many of the crossdressers here, is probably heterosexual(I'm assuming you two have a good sex life) so you don't have anything to worry about there. Whether or not his cding is a problem is really up to you---if the cding itself doesn't bother you then its ok---if on the other hand it bothers you some what, then you need to talk to him and maybe to a therapist about it and finally if it bothers you a lot ("Real men never do that") then you should end the relationship. One thing is likly however, if you get a promise from him "never to cd again" he might be able to keep it if he has exceptionally strong will but he probable won't be happy because he will always want to dress. Good luck

[Katheryn]

Hi Brittany, just came across your thread.

So my boyfriend of 7 months (friend of 4 yrs) has just told me yesterday that he used to cross dress. Now, confused as hell, I turned here. I need help. I love him, more that I can describe and though I'm stuck in a world wind of emotions I do not feel embarrassed by him. Just confused.

Understand, very few people "used to" crossdress. The thing in us that moves us to do this is deeply ingrained. Whether it's genetic or deeply psychological is moot, because it isn't self destructive behavior and harmful to no one at all and yet is deeply satisfying something within us. Yes, you're confused. After all, the first thing ever said about a person is "It's a boy" or "It's a girl". Society thinks that sticks us in a box we're supposed to live the rest of our lives in happily.

See we both come from broken homes and we were both raped so we have lived some what similar lives

He was "Stephanie" when he cross dressed, a person who was so comfortable with himself/ herself (?) when Martin (him in man clothes i guess ?) wasnt comfortable.

Stephanie was never raped, has no history of ill treatment and actually, few life worries at all. No bills, no job worries, nothing. It's the biggest escape someone can make, not just to another male identity, but to escape to another gender. Women can do this with societal acceptance, to a point, wearing male shoes, slacks and a golf shirt without anyone looking at them twice, much less laughing or, worse, attacking them physically. Males can't do that.

It's important to understand that a crossdresser is different from a transexual in that they aren't headed toward becoming a woman, merely taking a vacation from their male identity for whatever period of time. You'll find the same general personality in Steph's head that you love and enjoy the company of in Martin's head.

but now that he has told me about cross dressing, I dont get it, because I dont understand.

But you are trying to understand, and that says a lot about you and the kind of person you are.

Im not saying its a serious factor and truth be told I dont mind, I just want to know why because I have always seen him as a the manliest man.

Martin might very well be the manliest man on the planet, but there's times when Stephanie needs to come out. I tried burying my dressing for years after marriage, but I realized I couldn't do it, Kate's lack of egress soured my male personality. Made me quick to anger. Made me un-fun to be around. A couple of friends, deep confidants who I talked to about this said that I had to acknowlege Kate, to allow her to an outlet, and come out to my wife as secrets have a way of eating up a relationship like acid on metal. I did that and while the conversation and the evening weren't pleasant, my wife thinking I would have the operation and find a man and leave her, she has, in the intervening years, realized that's just not true. We are a couple, forever, but sometimes the other half of that couple is female. I pointed out to her it was Kate's influences that made me a more compassionate, nurturing person and that's what she liked about me over other, more alpha, males that she had dated.

Now she realizes there are advantages to being married to a CD. She has someone to borrow hose from in the event of a run in her last pair. I will never ask "Are you ready yet?" as I know how long it takes to "get ready". I don't mind shopping in the ladies dept. And so on.

Anyway, to wrap this up, you have the chance for a long, potentially wonderful, life together. You are trying to understand a very difficult thing. Remember, when you consider him "hiding" this, it's a thing that flies in the face of the most basic societal concept: a bi-gendered world. He risked it all to be honest with you, it's very hard to carry around this secret inside, and, at the same time, very risky to reveal it, the least risk being ridicule. Yet he came out to you.

I am sure there are elements of Stephanie's personality in Martin. Try to see them, and think about how those elements might have attracted you to him. He's the same person he was before he told you.

Have a wonderful life.

Kate

[QUOTEif you get a promise from him "never to cd again" he might be able to keep it if he has exceptionally strong will but he probable won't be happy because he will always want to dress. [/QUOTE]

Ain't that the truth, sister!


Kate

[Joanne f]

Hello Brittany ,
you have a lot of things going on in your post and i think that it is best to split them up and deal with one at a time , some of it is way out of my depth and i think that you would be better off chatting on the FAB section about some of it .
I cannot answer why your boyfriend likes to CD and it is always possible that he also will not know the real reason (some do and some don`t) but if it makes him happy to feel pretty then why not ( i am a bit biased mind).
If you are scared of seeing him in woman's clothes then tell him so and the same go`s for it if you don't like it once you have seen him , tell him so and then chat to each other and work out a solution that will suit you both , give and take that is what a relationship is all about . but what ever happens keep chatting .

[2b.Lauren]

Hi Brittany, just came across your thread.
Stephanie was never raped, has no history of ill treatment and actually, few life worries at all. No bills, no job worries, nothing. It's the biggest escape someone can make, not just to another male identity, but to escape to another gender. Women can do this with societal acceptance, to a point, wearing male shoes, slacks and a golf shirt without anyone looking at them twice, much less laughing or, worse, attacking them physically. Males can't do that.
It's important to understand that a crossdresser is different from a transexual in that they aren't headed toward becoming a woman, merely taking a vacation from their male identity for whatever period of time. You'll find the same general personality in Steph's head that you love and enjoy the company of in Martin's head.

But you are trying to understand, and that says a lot about you and the kind of person you are.




Martin might very well be the manliest man on the planet, but there's times when Stephanie needs to come out.
Now she realizes there are advantages to being married to a CD. She has someone to borrow hose from in the event of a run in her last pair. I will never ask "Are you ready yet?" as I know how long it takes to "get ready". I don't mind shopping in the ladies dept. And so on.Kate

Kate did a great job of summarizing this. I decided to take bits and peices of her summary and use them to help me discuss this from my very own perspective. I could have sampled replys from many of the posters before me to do this, but Kate got close to my own stuff. Taking a risk is what lead me to this forum in the first place, and again in this thread I will take a greater risk that will discuss my personal history only in hope to help you and Stephanie/Martin.

I too was raped and molested as a kid. My sister started me on the crossdressing journey that I have honestly loved for all of my life. She dressed me and that was my start. There were some not so plesant parts of that, but for the most part very innocent between her and I.

The scary part and the part that reflects most to both Stephanie/Martin is my Uncle. He molested and raped me for over a year in the privacy of our attic that I had to share with him while he lived with us. I will spare us all the specific reasons for his living with us, but we shared the attic in my house for a year or more. In order for me to endure this then, I had to transform myself mentally and emotionally into the girl that my sister and her friends had made me up to be prior to his arrival. I had to go to that female spot in my mind in order to survive. I woiuld just think and believe that I was a girl, which got me through.

Kate mentioned escape and then that was what I had to do in order to live in that horror was to mentally escape to my female self. I never dressed for him, so he was not able to disrupt or steal my love for dressing, which I am so very thankful for today. I still love dressing and those memories after a bit of therapy no longer haunt me. It is a fairly reasonable explanation when you think about it. Maybe for him it has no link (dressing and his rape), but dressing is a great escape from reality both past and present. I feel the most relaxed when I can be Lauren even today and not deal with all the other things that my Guy self has to deal with.

Your support and love for him is such a wonderful thing to read about. I am sure that over time some of the answers will be more clear. As my friend DocRobbySherry said there will certainly be more questions to follow as you both journey this life and CDing together. If he has not joined here yet encourage him to do.

Get 10 postings in and feel free to PM me if you would like to chat further!

Lauren