I had my first sexual encounter with a guy when I was 26, and I was scared to death, cause at that point I was always against it, I just did'nt like the feeling of it. From that point on, I grew very depressed, and it was also clashing with my insecurities and fear from my CDing cause I was still in the closet and living with my Dad.
At this point, I grew very lonely, and would take any love if it was on offer. I had a breif relationship with a gay man in melbourne who was in his 40's and was very beautiful and kind to me. We were in love. It never lasted cause of the distance I had to travel, and we grew apart.
For 2 years after that, I had no interest in men at all, or anything else.
When I moved interstate in 2005 and came full circle with my dressing as far as no more insecurities, and fear, etc. I grew very comfortable with myself, and to this day have never been happier in my life. In the last 4 years I have had flings with men, but I'm always a CD when I do it. Theres a part of me that likes doing it with men, and theres a part of me that does'nt though. I'm basiccly doing this cause I cant get a lady. I dont find males (on the whole) attractive, but they fill my needs when I need it. Its sad.....but I still dont consider myself gay or even bi. I have'nt had it with a lady for a long long time, and i'm still looking. Most CD's are'nt gay, but I think I maybe....Any advice?
