After I'm gone

[Rebecca Jackson]

There’s something that concerns me which I don’t recall seeing discussed here before. I have two sons who don’t know that I'm a crossdresser, and it worries me that if something were to unexpectedly happen to me that they would find all my clothes, make-up, etc. It would be bad enough having to cope with the loss of their father, but I would hate to make an already difficult situation even harder for them by having them discover that part of my life which they know nothing about. I realize the best option is to tell them now so they don’t have to figure it out on their own when I’m not there to talk to them about it and answer their questions, but as of now I’m not ready to tell them. It’s also not practical to store my things at another location. I think I’m going to write a letter explaining everything and keep it with all the stuff so that it will be there for them if/when they find it. It’s not the perfect solution but it’s the best I can come up with right now. As I’ve gotten older and had had to deal with a couple of health issues this has become a bigger concern for me, so I just wondered what others in my situation have done, or what your thoughts are. Thanks.

Rebecca

[sissystephanie]

Rebecca, I have a son and daughter who were never told. At least not while my dear late wife, who not only knew but also supported me fully, was still alive. We had made an agreement when we married that we would not tell our children. My dear wife passed away from cancer 4 years ago. BTW, I am 77 years old now.

However, last August I had some fainting spells, almost died and wound up getting a pacemaker implanted! That shook me up in many ways, not the least of which was the situation you described possibly happening with your sons. I decided to face reality and tell my daughter, and only her. My reasoning is that she is the older one and divorced. My son is married, and his wife, although a nice person, has a non-stop mouth! When I told my daughter, her comment was, "just don't get too girly around me!"

We often work out together at the local Y and all my workout clothes are feminine. I am sure she knows that, but she has never commented on it. I make sure not to wear the real "girly" ones when she is going to be there! And of course I never wear skirts around her! Wish I could though!! I have told her to explain to my son when something does happen to me. I have a very large wardrobe of female clothing, plus many pairs of shoes. I hope to sell some of it in the very near future because I am running out of storage space!!

It may be hard, but for your peace of mind, I would recommend telling at least one of your sons. Probably the older one! Just make sure he understands that you are not "Gay," or anything else. I know I felt a lot better after I told my daughter!!

Best of luck always!!

[Missy]

If they would like too see you happy then tell them about your crossdressing and how it allows you to be happy and this way if when you leave this life they will not be taken back by any surpises they may find after you have gone yes the loss of you will be hard for them to deal with but they will aleast know you were happy with your life while you are around hope this helps

[Jan W]

Stephanie,

What a nice, thoughtful post.


Jan

[PrincessTia]

I have my wife, who will take care of it should I die before her. And if not, I have one friend who will be the executor of the estate and handle it. I have three sons, and my sons will never know. At least, not if all goes according to plan. If not, then we'll deal with that trainwreck when we come to it.

Tia

[TSchapes]

I wrote a "Surprise Letter" and put it with my stuff. I posted it out on my blog.

So, here is my first attempt at my "Surprise Letter":


If you have found this letter, either:

1. I have died, or
2. You are looking somewhere where you shouldn't be. (please put this letter away now and beg for my forgiveness)

If I have died and you knew I was a crossdresser, congratulations! This means I trusted you, and you understood and loved me no matter who or what I was.

Now, if you didn't know, either I:

1. Don't know you
2. Was afraid of what you might have thought and how you might react, or
3. Was protecting you because you were too young to fully understand

First of all, this is not a dire situation. I would have preferred to tell everyone from the rooftop. But still, in this day and age, there is still a stigma attached to crossdressing.

If this is all new to you, some background may be in order. For those of you that this is old news, maybe just a review.

I was a crossdresser from a very young age of 9 or 10. I loved girl clothes and wanted to dress like a girl long before puberty. Over the years I've dressed in women's clothes and have been out in public dressed. There was a female component to my personality that needed an outlet. I have displayed pictures of myself on-line, but used an assumed name of Tracy Schapes. You may find numerous pictures of myself dressed as female either on my computer or other storage mediums. This was a way for me to critique myself about being a more passable girl. This is a very common goal for crossdressers. I was not gay. Not that I thought that would be bad, I just wasn't wired that way. Nor did I want to have a sex change. I enjoyed the duality of the situation.

I could go on, but if this is all new to you and I'm not answering the questions you may have, may I suggest you join a website like www.crossdressers.com. This is a great community of crossdressers; and loved ones and friends that support them. I'm sure you can talk and ask them any questions and they will be able to tell you more. You may also read my posts on crossdressers.com to maybe understand my feelings at the time. Just do a find a TSchapes.

For what to do with all these clothes, wigs and my salute to Imelda Marcos shoe collecting. May I suggest a cancer center for the wigs and everything else to the Salvation Army. There is no reason now to worry about my reputation and anybody seeing this stuff. It might as well be used for a good cause.

If I shared this side with you while I was alive, bless you. If not, I wish I could have, we would have had a wonderful time.

Hope this helps...

Love, Tracy

[linnea]

I recently told my grown (and married) daughter and her husband. I will be telling some others. I am doing so for several reasons, one of which is the "what if I die and they are left with the mystery of my stash" reason. I'm also tired of keeping my crossdressing a secret and I want to share it with the people I love. Telling my daughter was a great experience.

[erickka]

Tracy, I must say.... Very well executed. That will most assuredly get your point across to anyone in very plain english.

[Sarah-RT]

I understand what you mean.
I recently came out to my mom, but prior to that i was worried as im preparing to enter the armed forces and will more then likley end up as extra canon fodder in afganistan. my one worry was that after my family would get over it, if they cleared my stuff up they would inevitably find a drawer full of knickers, bras, thongs etc.

I told my mom though, but none of the rest of my family.

[suezeq]

daugther no 3 knowes she wants all the clothes (24) youngest son wants the gold (21) no problems , they will allow 1dress and boots for my last time dressed good luck to them all

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Rebecca-

I understand your concern about not wanting to cause your loved ones any further distress if you pass away unexpectedly, it shows a good deal about you as a person. If you don't mind, let me ask you this. If, heaven forbid, you suffered a long term and finally fatal illness, would you tell them then? As a sort of deathbed confession? As though being who you are were something shameful or wrong? As though you had lived your life like John Wayne Gacey and had bodies buried in the crawl space? Truly, what is there to be ashamed of?

Yes, I know that everyone's circumstances are different and for so many of us it precludes coming out to anyone. Believe me, please, I do understand and have many friends who live in those circumstances. I am not, in any way, an advocate of disclosure just because. Luckily for me I have an understanding and supportive spouse, a son who knows but doesn't care to see his Pops in a dress, and many friends, both gg and guys who support and understand it or just don't much care one way or another. Speaking for myself, though I am not 24/7, if anyone notices or makes a comment, it's either a reasoned, thoughtful, explanation of what being TG is about, or an eff off, buster, it ain't none of your beeswax.

Well, as usual, I have gone on and on. Sorry, Rebecca. For what it's worth, I think you should just come out. It brings tremendous peace of mind. If you can't, for whatever reasons seem right to you, then a letter left behind with your paraphenalia would be the best thing. I think they would be mourning your passing and missing you more than worrying about whatever minor, in the grand scheme of things, you did in your spare time.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[TJ Tresa]

Rebecca, I understand your concerns. I am lucky enough to have an understanding wife who helps me be me. Our female clothing is intertwined as we share clothes, we are the same size. So if something happens to me, she will simply take care of it, if someting happens to the both of us, the everything will just blend in with her stuff. the only exception will be my forms,( which are enhancers) and the wigs, (which are costum for Halloween.) So you see I seem to have everything covered.
I would suggest that, if comeing out to your sons is not an opption, then go with TSchapes suggestion. She sems to have covered it rather well.
As you and I both live in the "Bible Belt" I can understand more than you think. I wish you the best on what ever course of action you take. Hugs from TJ Tresa.

[Valerie]

I have also thought about this. My guess is that it depends, since in some cases revealing the reason for one's other-gender clothes now may help, in others hurt. Only you would know. I do like Tracy's idea of a letter. Reading hers, tears came to my eyes. It is beautifully written!

Valerie

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I don't have to worry about anyone finding my stash - it's in my closet, no kids in the house, and my wife knows all about it.

In terms of your kids, I think telling them is the best course of action, but ONLY once you're ready for it. If/when you do tell them, let it be known you're sharing your gift with them, NOT some condition or affliction you suffer from. They may not understand it, but how you tell them will directly affect how the news is received. If you show them that you're comfortable with this aspect of your life and it brings you joy, it will be better received than if you're displaying discomfort, embarrassment, and/or confusion.

Until you're ready to allow your family to know you completely (femme side and all), a note with your stash would be a good idea. Write down all your feelings so that they understand that their father was not a sick man, but rather a very normal man who was happy, even though society has a problem with crossdressing.

They're your kids. They'll love you to the end, and beyond. Explain yourself to them in person, or at least leave a note so they can learn the truth about this rather than leave them to their own misconceptions that most people have.

I hope they never have to find the note though. Here's to a long, happy life, Rebecca.

:drink:

[CD Susan]

There’s something that concerns me which I don’t recall seeing discussed here before. I have two sons who don’t know that I'm a crossdresser, and it worries me that if something were to unexpectedly happen to me that they would find all my clothes, make-up, etc. It would be bad enough having to cope with the loss of their father, but I would hate to make an already difficult situation even harder for them by having them discover that part of my life which they know nothing about. I realize the best option is to tell them now so they don’t have to figure it out on their own when I’m not there to talk to them about it and answer their questions, but as of now I’m not ready to tell them. It’s also not practical to store my things at another location. I think I’m going to write a letter explaining everything and keep it with all the stuff so that it will be there for them if/when they find it. It’s not the perfect solution but it’s the best I can come up with right now. As I’ve gotten older and had had to deal with a couple of health issues this has become a bigger concern for me, so I just wondered what others in my situation have done, or what your thoughts are. Thanks.

Rebecca

Rebecca, this issue has been discussed here before but it is nice to see it being brought up again. I believe that we do owe our heirs some sort of explanation when they discover this part of our lives after we have passed on. It is already difficult to deal with a loved ones passing and to have this thrown into the mix only complicates things more. Therefore we owe it to them to explain things to them when they are surprised or even shocked to discover this part of someone that they thought they knew.

Tracy S. has written an excellent letter in this thread and I would recommend copying it and then using this as an outline to form your own personalised draft. I am going to do this for the sake of those that did not know of my crossdressing before my passing and hopefully they will gain an understanding of a subject that they know litte or nothing of.

I have only one heir and that is my son. He is 26 now but was told all about my crossdreessing by his mother at the age of 10 during the divorce. She saw the need to out me to all of my family members including our son and all of our friends. She did this only to spite me but unknowing to her at the time she did me a huge favor. I discussed my crossdressing with my son when he was 16 and unlike his mother he was accepting of it. I looked at him as being very mature and open minded for such a young age and I love him dearly.

My son will be the one left with the responsibility of going through my belongings when I am gone and although it will not be a shock to him to see all my cd related things I am sure that he might feel reluctant to disclose this to others that did not know about this very personal part of my life. I hope that the letter I leave behind will be a means to help him in disclosing this part of me to those that will have a need to know. I am confident that he will be responsible and mature enough to deal with this in a proper manner.

[Rebecca Jackson]

Thanks for all the wonderful replies! It's helped a lot hearing your thoughts, and I'll definitely soon be composing a letter.

I wrote a "Surprise Letter" and put it with my stuff. I posted it out on my blog.



Hope this helps...

Love, Tracy

What a wonderful and touching letter Tracy; thank you for sharing it. This will definitely help me a lot when writing my letter. I loved your blog!

Hi Rebecca-

I understand your concern about not wanting to cause your loved ones any further distress if you pass away unexpectedly, it shows a good deal about you as a person. If you don't mind, let me ask you this. If, heaven forbid, you suffered a long term and finally fatal illness, would you tell them then? As a sort of deathbed confession? As though being who you are were something shameful or wrong? As though you had lived your life like John Wayne Gacey and had bodies buried in the crawl space? Truly, what is there to be ashamed of?

Yes, I know that everyone's circumstances are different and for so many of us it precludes coming out to anyone. Believe me, please, I do understand and have many friends who live in those circumstances. I am not, in any way, an advocate of disclosure just because. Luckily for me I have an understanding and supportive spouse, a son who knows but doesn't care to see his Pops in a dress, and many friends, both gg and guys who support and understand it or just don't much care one way or another. Speaking for myself, though I am not 24/7, if anyone notices or makes a comment, it's either a reasoned, thoughtful, explanation of what being TG is about, or an eff off, buster, it ain't none of your beeswax.

Well, as usual, I have gone on and on. Sorry, Rebecca. For what it's worth, I think you should just come out. It brings tremendous peace of mind. If you can't, for whatever reasons seem right to you, then a letter left behind with your paraphenalia would be the best thing. I think they would be mourning your passing and missing you more than worrying about whatever minor, in the grand scheme of things, you did in your spare time.

Hugs...Joni Mari

I have thought about whether I would tell them if I had a terminal illness, and I’m not sure. In many ways I do want to share this part of myself with them, but there is the same feeling of not wanting to make a difficult situation even harder for them. I think I’m getting closer to feeling comfortable about telling my oldest son (age 18). I hesitant to tell my youngest son (age 15) because he’s still having a tough time dealing with not having his mom around, and I want to provide as much stability for him as I can, and telling him I’m a crossdresser would probably not be a good thing for him right now.

You’re right that there is nothing to be ashamed about, but that goes along with self-acceptance, which is an on-going process with me. And I worry about telling my family and having it negatively affect our relationship. I know my sons love me and that they would continue to love me no matter what, but it’s still scary thinking about it.

I suspect that when I do come out to my family and friends it will be a big relief and I’ll wonder why I spent so much time worrying about it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts; I always look forward to your replies because they’re always so insightful and thoughtful.

I don't have to worry about anyone finding my stash - it's in my closet, no kids in the house, and my wife knows all about it.

In terms of your kids, I think telling them is the best course of action, but ONLY once you're ready for it. If/when you do tell them, let it be known you're sharing your gift with them, NOT some condition or affliction you suffer from. They may not understand it, but how you tell them will directly affect how the news is received. If you show them that you're comfortable with this aspect of your life and it brings you joy, it will be better received than if you're displaying discomfort, embarrassment, and/or confusion.

Until you're ready to allow your family to know you completely (femme side and all), a note with your stash would be a good idea. Write down all your feelings so that they understand that their father was not a sick man, but rather a very normal man who was happy, even though society has a problem with crossdressing.

They're your kids. They'll love you to the end, and beyond. Explain yourself to them in person, or at least leave a note so they can learn the truth about this rather than leave them to their own misconceptions that most people have.

I hope they never have to find the note though. Here's to a long, happy life, Rebecca.

:drink:

Feeling ready to tell them is the big thing, but I think I’m moving in that direction. You’re so right that I need to show them that I’m comfortable and secure with who I am and to not feel like I’m telling them some awful dark secret. As always, self-acceptance is the key.

I’m going to write a note, but will plan on hopefully being able to tell them sometime soon.

They’re good kids and I know they’ll always love me, even if they find out their old dad liked to wear dresses!

Rebecca, this issue has been discussed here before but it is nice to see it being brought up again. I believe that we do owe our heirs some sort of explanation when they discover this part of our lives after we have passed on. It is already difficult to deal with a loved ones passing and to have this thrown into the mix only complicates things more. Therefore we owe it to them to explain things to them when they are surprised or even shocked to discover this part of someone that they thought they knew.

Tracy S. has written an excellent letter in this thread and I would recommend copying it and then using this as an outline to form your own personalised draft. I am going to do this for the sake of those that did not know of my crossdressing before my passing and hopefully they will gain an understanding of a subject that they know litte or nothing of.

I have only one heir and that is my son. He is 26 now but was told all about my crossdreessing by his mother at the age of 10 during the divorce. She saw the need to out me to all of my family members including our son and all of our friends. She did this only to spite me but unknowing to her at the time she did me a huge favor. I discussed my crossdressing with my son when he was 16 and unlike his mother he was accepting of it. I looked at him as being very mature and open minded for such a young age and I love him dearly.

My son will be the one left with the responsibility of going through my belongings when I am gone and although it will not be a shock to him to see all my cd related things I am sure that he might feel reluctant to disclose this to others that did not know about this very personal part of my life. I hope that the letter I leave behind will be a means to help him in disclosing this part of me to those that will have a need to know. I am confident that he will be responsible and mature enough to deal with this in a proper manner.

That must have been rough when your ex-wife outed you to everyone. I worried about that too during my divorce, but thankfully she never did that. I'm happy to hear things worked out with your son and you two have a good relationship.