wife needs a man

[pernille d]

like many i have been dressing in secret since an early age , and now i can not lie anymore to my SO, we have been together for 21 years and married for 13. I know its going to be hard and i have researhed for many months how to handle it ,thats not the problem . the only thing that worries me is that , she quite often says after returning from buisness trips that she really misses a man . in drab i am quite a man and that she likes but i dont know how she will react to the woman in me.

i was wondering if there is anyone out there that can relate to this, and give advise or tell about reactiions (good or bad )

[Rogina B]

Since you are new to this site....You can probably find all the discussion you care to read about your question.Just start scrolling the columns and pages. It is all over here!

[TJ Tresa]

Pernille, honey you have yourself in a bad situation. One of which could go either way. You will find several discussioins about this. I hope that something will help. However before you make the final decision to tell ask yourself this Question. "Is my CDing worth losing all that I have?" I hope that it will not come to that. But you must realize it is a possibility. If you are extremly lucky she will embrace it and accept you as you are. If that happens she can always tell you when she needs her man.
I dress almost every day and sleep in a night gown. when my wife has had enough or needs her man she tells me and I go change. I am lucky. I hope you are too. Good luck

[pernille d]

i may be a new member here , but believe me i have read so much here .
i know its a bad situation , on the one hand we dont want to lie to our SO and on the other hand we want to be at ease with who we are . i have spent many years wondering who i am or what i am , and its only now at the age of almost 40 i have found out . i am not ill.i am not odd i am not weired ,i am just a crossdressser. i do wonder though if it takes me so long to understand it , how can i expect my SO to understand it . i love her and i need to tell her so i can have ballance i my soul.

[Sheila]

There is this [SIZE="4"]HERE[/SIZE] from the GG's which might give you a clue to what she may be feeling and thinking

or this [SIZE="4"]HERE[/SIZE] which was written by Marla GG that might help you

You could always tell her about this site and the fact we have a GG only part of the forum F.A.B (Females At Birth) that she can apply to join after she had done an intro in the intro section and a further 9 post on the forum, she will be able to come and talk with us GG's who have been/are going, through what she is feeling now to you both and good luck

Edited to add .................... once you tell her, make sure you give her time to take it in, answer her with total honesty from there on .... if you don't know say so, do not lie. I t may take some time for her to come round, she may never accept it, ot it may turn out all okay, will keep fingers crossed for you both

[Sandra]

Edited to add .................... once you tell her, make sure you give her time to take it in, answer her with total honesty from there on .... if you don't know say so, do not lie. I t may take some time for her to come round, she may never accept it, ot it may turn out all okay, will keep fingers crossed for you both

Couldn't agree more.

Don't expect it to be all ok in a few weeks,as it can take months even years for an SO to take it all in and be ok with it all.

Also as Sheila has said don't lie, because if you do and she finds out later on that you have, then things could turn nasty and unpleasant for both of you.

Let us know how things go.

[suchacutie]

After you read all the great entries above, let me just mention that my wife is completely supportive of Tina. Our agreement is that our marriage comes first, and when she wants her man, that's exactly what she gets! There is a time for Tina, and then there is a time for the man she married.

works for me, and I do hope it can work for you!

tina

[tazthis]

This is where I think things get alittle sticky...my opinion only. I accepted the cding fine and enjoy behind closed doors....but honestly when I entered the relationship I entered thinking it was with a man and man only. And honestly do not desire to be a relationship with a full time CDer. Now with that being said, I think if you are going to tell her, that will be one of the most important topics to discuss with her, because it sound like for her that may be an issue. If you know that your intentions are to be full time at any point down the road, you should be completely honest. As far as how she will accept the women in you depends on her...and you know her better than any of us.

[Lorileah]

The more I read these threads the more I wonder if I am the odd one out.

I know that everyone here has a different story (some epic novels, mine more a Pop-up book) but everyone tries to make this an either/or proposition. I am and can be either very femme or I can be the biggest jerk of a man you ever met. I don't stay in one mode and it does not matter what I am wearing. It seems that several people here think that if you dress you cannot function in a male capacity. Yet, several find dressing sexually stimulating (so if that is what women are looking for when they say they want a man, I would think that would be a great reason to allow your man to dress or maybe I misunderstand the Cialis commercials) and I am sure that I don't forget how to fix the plumbing or mow the lawn or, if I had children, be a caring and nurturing father just because I have a skirt on. I can also cook a gourmet meal, enjoy the finer things in life and any other stereotypical feminine role you can suggest. If your relationship is based on physical appearance alone you are in trouble from the beginning. What exactly do women mean when they say I want a man? I don't think there is a standard answer no more than when a guy says he wants a woman. Does that mean he wants "Barbie"/ June Cleaver pearls and dress? Or does it mean he wants the subservient weak (childish?) person who doesn't think for themselves and does everything and anything who demand?

This is not an either/or unless you are planning on transitioning. You are who you are. The trappings are just that. Your arms are no less consoling when you dress up. Your body no less warm when you cuddle.

Don't put so much weight on what you wear. Put it on WHO you are. Either you are there for her or you ain't. Honestly the way man are portrayed we ain't there because that would show emotion. If both partners work together, dressing could be the ideal, the best of both worlds. This fails when one or both become self centered and selfish

[suchacutie]

Lorileah said it so much better than I did!!!

Why can't CDing be an addition instead of a subtraction???

:2c:

tina

[KayC]

Lorileah,
I don't understand what you don't get about us wanting a man...it is a man we chose, we didn't know until later that tables would be turned on us. If we aren't bi, we aren't physically attracted to women, so if he presents as a woman, that's how we see him...end of physical attraction. That is what we mean. No it doesn't mean we want a chauvinist pig, etc., that's not what we chose either...he's not that whether he presents as a man or dressed. It's really about physical attraction...basically he's the same inside whether dressed or not, but there's many of us that struggle with the idea of physical sex with someone who LOOKS like a woman, even if we know intellectually it is still our man. It does a number on us. Some of us may be able to get past that...some may not. But there are times we want a "man"...who looks like a man, talks like a man, smells like a man, acts like a man. If your wife looked and smelled like a man 24/7, wouldn't you miss the "her" that you married?

[sherri52]

Hi Pernille and welcome to the site. I was caught by my first wife and dressed for the second and the results didn't fair well for me so the only advice I'll give is to see what Sheila has for you. She has always steered me straight in the past.

[Jayne Wordan]

The more I read these threads the more I wonder if I am the odd one out.

I know that everyone here has a different story (some epic novels, mine more a Pop-up book) but everyone tries to make this an either/or proposition. I am and can be either very femme or I can be the biggest jerk of a man you ever met. I don't stay in one mode and it does not matter what I am wearing. It seems that several people here think that if you dress you cannot function in a male capacity. Yet, several find dressing sexually stimulating (so if that is what women are looking for when they say they want a man, I would think that would be a great reason to allow your man to dress or maybe I misunderstand the Cialis commercials) and I am sure that I don't forget how to fix the plumbing or mow the lawn or, if I had children, be a caring and nurturing father just because I have a skirt on. I can also cook a gourmet meal, enjoy the finer things in life and any other stereotypical feminine role you can suggest. If your relationship is based on physical appearance alone you are in trouble from the beginning. What exactly do women mean when they say I want a man? I don't think there is a standard answer no more than when a guy says he wants a woman. Does that mean he wants "Barbie"/ June Cleaver pearls and dress? Or does it mean he wants the subservient weak (childish?) person who doesn't think for themselves and does everything and anything who demand?

This is not an either/or unless you are planning on transitioning. You are who you are. The trappings are just that. Your arms are no less consoling when you dress up. Your body no less warm when you cuddle.

Don't put so much weight on what you wear. Put it on WHO you are. Either you are there for her or you ain't. Honestly the way man are portrayed we ain't there because that would show emotion. If both partners work together, dressing could be the ideal, the best of both worlds. This fails when one or both become self centered and selfish

I couldnt have put this any better myself. Only problem is that SO's dont always have the this idea

[Lorileah]

Lorileah,
I don't understand what you don't get about us wanting a man...it is a man we chose, we didn't know until later that tables would be turned on us. If we aren't bi, we aren't physically attracted to women, so if he presents as a woman, that's how we see him...end of physical attraction. That is what we mean. No it doesn't mean we want a chauvinist pig, etc., that's not what we chose either...he's not that whether he presents as a man or dressed. It's really about physical attraction...basically he's the same inside whether dressed or not, but there's many of us that struggle with the idea of physical sex with someone who LOOKS like a woman, even if we know intellectually it is still our man. It does a number on us. Some of us may be able to get past that...some may not. But there are times we want a "man"...who looks like a man, talks like a man, smells like a man, acts like a man. If your wife looked and smelled like a man 24/7, wouldn't you miss the "her" that you married?

You are making this sexual. Tell me something, if there were no difference between the clothing you and your SO wore, would he be less a man if he expressed compassion instead of aggression? Here is where we get confused.

Women want power, and softness. Women want muscles yet tenderness. Acting like a man is societal. Smelling like a man is sort of gross usually. Talking like a man? is that like talking like a sailor? (females seem to do that a lot now)

Wives dress like men all the time (I hate that argument from CD's I don't like it any better from GG's). There is no gender in most daily women's wear in most cases. Women wear short hair (men prefer long hair...yet...). Some women never wear makeup most wear as little as they can. Men don't seem to have any problem looking past button down shirts, slacks and combat boots with a high and tight hair cut. Why is it harder for women to get past the opposite?

Everything that defines "man" to you is learned. If a male takes care of kittens is he not a man? If he cannot lift a small car? Guys can make a wonderful living and never get in fights or shoot weapons or hunt animals.

Do you see why we are confused? Most here don't want to be women. They just want to wear what they like or not be so confined to societal rules.

Has any GG here been asked when they put on a pair of pants "Do you want to be a guy? Do you want to have sex with a woman? You are not what I married...go put on a dress so I can see the woman I married"? (apologies to the transmen on that because they have been asked that I am sure).

[KayC]

When a GG says "I want a man", it IS about sexuality. Few of us can separate it so perfectly as you seem to in your head, maybe you're just miles ahead of us, I don't know, all I know is I'm not apologetic for wanting my man to BE a man at least some of the time, and I think most of the GGs feel the same way. It makes it a lot harder to respond if they look like a woman, we aren't Bi.

And there is a difference between a woman donning a pair of jeans and boots so she can shovel snow and a man wearing dress and heels for??? What functionality do they serve? I have no desire to look like a man, but I do need to wear pants in the wintertime where I live.

I certainly feel a man should be able to wear whatever he wants but if he is married it involves the both of you, not just him, and both need considered.

Women vary anywhere from no makeup to way too much. I personally don't think I look like a man whether I wear pants or not, but then I'm not strapping on fake muscles either. Ouch, sorry if that hurts but I think you're arguments doesn't hold.

By the way...I showed my BF your picture the other day because you, of everyone on this site, look most authentically like a beautiful model...a real girl!

[Kerigirl2009]

I would SERIOUSLY think about what your wifes reaction is going to be. Way the good and the bad BECAUSE once you tell her you can NEVER take it back, as she will always know. IT CHANGES HER VIEW OF YOU weather that is a good thing or a bad thing is entirely UP TO HER.
I only say this as I told my wife of fifteen years 3 months ago. It was very difficult but it has been even more difficult then I imagined it would be. If I could turn back time. I would. I am still hopeful that all will be well and we will spend the rest of our lives together, but once you tell her because of all your guilt or what have you. Your wife is completely in charge of your happiness as a couple. This too can be a good thing as long as your wife is willing to change her views, and try to accept you for you and your other self.
I am not trying to tell you not to tell her as for me it had to be done, but be ready for the worst BUT HOPE for the BEST.
I have experienced many ups and downs since I came out to my wife but I am still hopeful that we can make it through this together. I just have to remember to take it as slow as my wife needs me to. Because I LOVE my wife and family I will try my best to do just that. I hope you do the same and I wish you the best of luck that I can offer. GOOD LUCK

[Lorileah]

When a GG says "I want a man", it IS about sexuality. Few of us can separate it so perfectly as you seem to in your head, maybe you're just miles ahead of us, I don't know, all I know is I'm not apologetic for wanting my man to BE a man at least some of the time, and I think most of the GGs feel the same way. It makes it a lot harder to respond if they look like a woman, we aren't Bi.

And there is a difference between a woman donning a pair of jeans and boots so she can shovel snow and a man wearing dress and heels for??? What functionality do they serve? I have no desire to look like a man, but I do need to wear pants in the wintertime where I live.

I certainly feel a man should be able to wear whatever he wants but if he is married it involves the both of you, not just him, and both need considered.

Women vary anywhere from no makeup to way too much. I personally don't think I look like a man whether I wear pants or not, but then I'm not strapping on fake muscles either. Ouch, sorry if that hurts but I think you're arguments doesn't hold.

By the way...I showed my BF your picture the other day because you, of everyone on this site, look most authentically like a beautiful model...a real girl!

Thanks for the compliment. I also look pretty darn good in a sport jacket and fedora.

In defense of the CD's here looking more female, you can look at other postings where that exact question has been asked by Cd's. IF there were no double standard, there are quite a few here who would be satisfied to wear a skirt without all the fake body parts. But that is not allowed in society. In order to even go out CD's believe they have to look like a woman totally for 'protection'. Even our own will condemn a "man in a skirt" as being weird. Why? You got to be carefully taught.

I am still at a loss when you believe that just because a male wears clothing "designed" for a female they cannot fit your definition of a man. If said male feels more comfortable doing some sort of task (you say shoveling snow) in a dress or skirt how can you say they are wrong to do so when you decide to wear slacks? Maybe wearing a skirt to garden is more comfortable to them than dungarees. Women have that option. No one forces you to wear something just because you are female. Yet, you think that a male changes into a female when they change clothing. Functionally? I will defer to the age old excuse women have used ...It's comfortable.

A woman who dresses to present as a man can wear muscles or facial hair but they can "Pass" without that (I don't have either and I present as a man almost all the time) How a person presents is ...personal.

Does your mate stop being sexual when he dresses? Does he demand that you do something you don't normally do?

Why do people assume when a guy likes "feminine" things that he wants to be the opposite sex or have sex with the same sex? You tell men to be secure in our sexuality and then you are insecure in yours. I don't care for the lying, sneaking around or the guilty feelings that CD's have. If people would quit putting so much sexual weight on how a person dresses you would not see so much of that. The arguments of functionality or comfort are the rote answers that women put out 4o years ago. But they don't go the other way? Unless, somehow, your partner's genitals go somewhere when he puts on a dress OR he demands that you grow a sexual part before he will sleep with you, it should not be a sexual thing.

The insecurity you feel about being "bi" is you. Unless the dressing is done expressly for sexual purposes, it is just clothing.

I cannot make you feel better because you will always harbor those feelings. You look at it from that angle and no matter how much someone tries to reassure you , you will always assume that your man is gay because of his preference in a feel or look of a piece of clothing. Would we like women to wear dresses or skirts and heels all the time? Smell like verbena? Act like we are the reason for their living and be totally subservient? Many guys would say yes. Yet those are the guys women complain about for being dogs and cads. For not taking into account your feelings. For being totally self serving.

Is there a saying for men like "I want a guy who is intelligent at dinner, a mechanic in the garage and an animal in bed"? Sounds sexist doesn't it? It should. But that is what being a man seems to mean to many women.

[Sage GG]

Why can't CDing be an addition instead of a subtraction???



tina

[KayC]

I'm not going to quote everything from Lorileah, it seems redundant to, but I am amazed you can't understand our problem being attracted to someone who looks like a woman when we're heterosexual. And it's not just a dress, it's the breasts, the heels, the nails, the wig, the makeup, jewelry, perfume, everything. Come on, when you wear all that, you're trying to look like a woman!
I don't know anyone in their right mind that'd be more comfortable in a dress shoveling snow, but I say, if they want to, more power to them!
I never said a male changes into a female when they dress, I said they LOOK like a woman! Our sexual attraction is more than just to who the inner person is, it's also affected by sight, and smell.
I seriously doubt I could look like a man if I put on a plaid shirt and pair of jeans, my features are too feminine and I'm small.
And I don't "assume" a guy wants to be a woman if he likes feminine things, I never said anything of the kind.
You said I will always harbor these feelings...how can you presume to say how I will "always" be? I continually try to learn and grow and change, hence I do. I suggest you go back and re-read my posts and re-read your responses...you're putting words in my mouth that aren't there. For instance, I never said I have any insecurity about being bi, I'm not bi, I'm heterosexual, I stated that, I could care less what I am, I am just stating a fact...it's not for us to decide or change what we are, to say differently would be kind of an oxymoron, wouldn't it?
Assume my man is gay??? Where the blank did you come up with that? In the beginning when us GGs first learn our SO is a CD, we have QUESTIONS, which when answered, help us know what we're dealing with...however some of the CDers have lied for so long about it that their SO doesn't know what they can believe and what they can't...then the issue is not CDing but trust. And please don't assume you know what I want in a man or what I think a man is, you don't know me well enough to make such a presumption. No matter how gorgeous you are, for instance, I can tell you are a man.

[Rebecca Jayne]

Well if you think that wearing women's clothing
is all there is to a cd then you need to be set straight.

I can have on man clothes and be effeminate,
I can have on a dress and be masculine,
It doesn't matter what I wear
Its who's inside that counts.


Man
Woman
One Chromosome
That's all

[Sheila]

she quite often says after returning from buisness trips that she really misses a man . in drab i am quite a man and that she likes but i dont know how she will react to the woman in me.

Does she say she misses A man or her man hun ?.......... there is a difference

[KayC]

Well if you think that wearing women's clothing
is all there is to a cd then you need to be set straight.

Didn't say that...but it matters to some of us.

[Sheila]

Well if you think that wearing women's clothing is all there is to a cd then you need to be set straight.

by the same token some CD's need to be set straight that wearing womens clothing does not make you a woman, it takes more than a set of clothes to be either gender

[noeleena]

Hi...
I see many details here that men dont understand about (( & i can say this )) as i am one . women . i am not one or the other yet both . & was born this way . a andro .
A woman see s a man & falls in love with that person . a real all male ..../ man ...not some one like me who never was a real ... man . yet i seemed to pass . from the body side of things . we Jos & i have three grown up youing adults . yet was never able to think as a male fully . or accept them . so there was allways a conflct the female & woman that i was & am . is a part of me . was allways there .
Jos married what she thought was a real male . hence going through a hell of what is going on here 8 year s of not understanding knowing & trying to work out what all this was & is about . ..
Put your self in Jos s shoes . & understand were she is coming from then .....may be .... you will understand what going through hell is like .
The psychologically ..mentalally .. & emotionally . detail of being a woman then have the rug ..pulled out from under you . then yes its bloody hard . to say the lest ... we v had 8 years of this . & yes it s stressfull & when Jos was down . i come to her as a women & give her my hand to lift her up . as she looks in to my eye s & see s a woman . no wonder Jos hit the deck . & damm hard ..
You have to see from her side what has & is happening to you as well as you . the changes . & dont try & fool your self you are the same person . that is utter bullshit . i know from experance . that you change . your wife s partner s & s o s will see the changes .
Your wife need s a man . not a dresser . or a male who dress s some times . what ever . this is & was not a part of the deal when you me or others married so think as a woman if you cant then just try . . then accept you may part .
We. Jos & i have been married for 34 years . & been together 36 we had our marriage anuuld . so if Jos wonts to leave then she is free. to do so & marry a real man . male .....
What i have been trying to say is i think both ways so know how jos was thinking after i came out to her & said i am a woman . just did not live as one . tryed to be male . yet if i had known i did sort of yet could not put it to gether . a bit slow . . was both m & f at that time it would have made so much of a differance . i would have understood my self better as well . some time s we cant explain our selfs then later on when we try . it seems to go wrong .
Not every woman can accept who we are when we change . or do things that seem strange . yet for some they accept with out ?? Jos accepts now yet its still hard . so we are just two women . living in our own home .
a lot of neat essays have been done here . & i do hope it works out for you . & others who may read our letters . who may have to go through this . all the best ......
...noeleena...

[pernille d]

thanks for all your advice/ comments , it has made me think a lot

after 25 years in hideing i am going a bit nuts, i am not one that needs to be a woman 24/7 and things vary from just underwear to full dressing depending on my moods. i am happy with that and who i am , but it makes me very uptight keeping a secret,and the constant pressure should i or should i not tell her, My SO knows something is not right and wants me to be relaxed but i know the only way to help me is to tell her. i understand both sides of the story and lots of times think this is unfair as i see this as my problem and as soon as i tell her its not so much my problem any more, but becomes a problem for her . does it not just move the problem from one partner to the other !!!!

i am confused and really dont know what to do , the problem is i cant be selfish and think about my needs, i think about the affects on others as well so what ever i do i can only see a winner and looser but i jst cant except that ,