Came home and all my clothes are gone

[PheonaP]

My thoughts are with you Wendy.

[Lynnda1951]

Wendy,

It seems a lot of people in this thread want to play the blame game. I wouldn't know how to begin counting the votes on whether you get the most blame or your wife does. I read your history, so to speak, by looking at your past threads. Please consider the following.

In a number of your first posts we found that you told your wife your 12 year hidden secret. No, she was't happy about it and felt betrayed. Who wouldn't? For all that time, you were her husband and now she has to deal with her husband and "Wendy". She finally conceded that you could dress and go to a support group but she would have nothing to do with either and did not want to see you dressed.

I have read stories like this for years. Some would say you should have told your wife before you married and others would say it wasn't necessary. To tell or not to tell, no matter when, requires you know your SO very well. Your SO's reaction to your CDing is still a crap shoot. I think you can find that there are successful CD/SO relationships and marriages that started with the SO finding out about the CD's secret both before and after marriage/long term relationship. Given that hind sight is 20-20, it appears that you should have told her before you married.

Getting back to your past threads. I noticed you were fullfilling your desire to be dressed in public on a more frequent basis as time went on. You had your femme stuff stored in your own room at home. I have to wonder if you dressed at home then went out from your home to any of your destinations. I also have to wonder if you were publically dressed in your home town. You mentioned a number of encounters with people. Some accepting and others not. I also noticed a number of comments in this thread wondering what triggered your SO's actions. It appears your SO might have been more accepting of your CDing by the mere fact she bought you a number of women's clothes.

So, what caused the blow up? It appears you have a couple of strikes against you already because you didn't tell your SO soon enough i.e. she feels betrayed and is worried about your son finding out. I hope what triggered this blow up isn't strike three. Did you ever consider what your SO meant when she said was embarrased? Perhaps it is possible that she learned you were outside of the house and in public dressed. And that someone could have been recognized you in your hometown or you have been observed leaving home dressed. If so, perhaps someone told your SO they saw you dressed or someone told someone who told your SO. If your SO had no desire to see you dressed then can you imagine what she would think or do if she found out you were scampering around town dressed? Maybe this is why she blew up on you?

The best thing I have heard in this thread is that marriage counseling is in order. Ideally for both of you. It is too easy to say that if she loved you she would accept it. Its too easy to say your loyalty is to your family and not Wendy. Its too easy to say be true to yourself and continue CDing even if it costs you your family. What is not easy is facing your problems and finding which of these actions is best for all. You have your lifelong desire to CD and she doesn't like it. IMHO you BOTH should get joint counseling with a counselor that understands crossdressing. Your SO should deal with her feelings about your CDing and you should deal with your feelings about giving up Wendy. If your SO won't go with your then go a lone and go soon. After counseling, someone has to make a choice on whether to keep your marriage intact or split up. The choice may not be the right choice for all but it will be an informed choice.

If you truly love each other compromise and work it out! Your family and Wendy is at stake.

Both of you a rough road ahead. I feel awful for both you and your SO. I thought about this for 4 or 5 hours before writing. I hope what I said did not offend you or anyone else. Take care!

[KayC]

IMHO you BOTH should get joint counseling with a counselor that understands crossdressing. After counseling, someone has to make a choice on whether to keep your marriage intact or split up.

I did not take the time to read all of your past threads, but this person cared enough to do so and then responded accordingly. I have to agree with the above quoted statements. Whether or not you told your wife after marriage...it's done now, you had your reasons, and it can't be gone back and redone. Whether or not you have dressed in your hometown, possibly causing embarrassment to your wife isn't the point either...if you did, it's done, it can't be redone either. It could be the marriage is done too. But if you both want to save it, it seems your best chance is to both get joint marriage counseling with a counselor that understands cross-dressing. A good counselor starts with a non-judgmental stance and brings you both to a "what can we do now" approach. This often involves concessions and changes on both parts to bring them together. I really don't see how, if one is a crossdresser, they can give it up. But there can be compromise as to when, where, how often, how much time and $ spent on it, etc. Personally, if I had a husband that had something that important to him, I'd want to be somewhat involved in it at least...but then I don't see the point of being married to live separate lives. But then you two have a child...that is a pretty good reason to try and work things out...if it's possible. It can't be all your wife's way though, it seldom works when one person tries to control and call all the shots. But then again, she might be feeling that way too if you've called all the shots up to now. Maybe that is the straw that broke the camel's back...we don't know here because we haven't had the benefit of her perspective. I am sympathetic to your plight and am really hoping the two of you can get some help sorting this out and arriving at some common direction. Good luck to both of you.

[Jeanna]

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy

I'm sorry you were so so screwed over!
If it were me I would be furious! I think I would return the favour when she's out of house.Remember "war of The Roses" Maybe you were a threat to her, more feminine, more pretty. I'm so pissed....

Jeanna

[wendy68]

Well I came from work and she responded. After I told her about my life past and present she has decided that I can dress if its not anywhere near the house so that she doesnt have see anything of my stuff or my son ever seeing me. I didnt have any plans to have my son see me anyways. she told me she doesnt want to see any femme things in the house period ever and that Id better keep all of my things out of her sight. She was quite angry in her email to me but at the same time she was apologizing for what she did to me and that she does understand . I dont think she has a full understanding but I dont want to rock the boat by saying anything about the topic at least for right now. She told me that I could work it out with my mother to dress in her patio room about a mile from our house. My mother is supportive of me and in recent chatwith her she said she wished Id have brought my stuff to her place long ago. I wish I had a crystal ball a week ago. She doesnt like the idea me dressing in our town at all otherwise. She did say that she didnt mind me dressing out of town and that I could still go to my support group and dress which is 2 hours away. Phew, i feel better even with the increased restrictions. I know that some of the responses to this thread said I should be upset and believe me I was but I also feel her sorrow for the deception to her for almost thriteen years. I also understand her fear about my son find ing out . In my email to her I poured it all out and it took three hours . I guess I reached some part of her. We actually kissed tonight a peck but That was huge since she was just one step from calling a lawyer to file divorce. Im not exactly out woods yet in that she had wrote out a full plan for us after the divorce along with flip floping weeks so each of could have equal time wit my son. this was all said in the email to warn me not to test her restrictions. Even though I plan to agree to her terms since this means I get to keep my family together, dress and attend my support group along with the friends Ive made in group, i still fear that some day she might leave me anyways. I know , i know I should be content with the current situation but it still worries me. I hope that from complying with her boundaries things will get better between us. Since she took all my stuff to the dump I have to start from scratch but I will get a basic look in a fairly short time. Clothes and make-up easy. Being Holloween is a bit of luck when it comes to wigs. Wth all my stuff she got my preium wigs from Paula Young, ouch. Oh well it will takes some time to re establish but I will get there. About a half hour after she sent me the message I was told to go for a ride to get some milk. Well I got the milk, along with another bag in my deep coat pocket full of all kinds of make up from a dollor store nearby. I went downstairs and put it in one of my gun lockers , very safe. I plan to get a couple of cabinets that can be locked via pad lock so to maintain her limits that nothing is to be seen Well i guess Im getting tired good night and hugs to all--Wendy

[Ralph]

Glad to hear the situation has cooled off for now at least. Your job going forward is to make sure she knows you are still the man she fell in love with, and you still think she's the most important person in your life... and prove that by your actions, not your words.

[RoxieInWa]

My wife responded to your story in much harsher terms than Latindancer did. But my wife is from NYC and she is quick to sweep aside that which is in her way.

My heart broke for you. I'm so sad to read it. Hopefully it was caused by a false fear she has that can be overcome or resolved by talking about it

My guess is there is much you two have not discussed yet regarding both of your feelings on this subject. My prayer is that something good can come out of this and you can re-build your collection knowing your wife really understands your heart and trusts you.

Cheers to you GG's and SO's who do accept us, love us, and understand who we really are inside.

[Satrana]

Wendy

I am glad she is at least prepared to talk and work things out even though it has not conceded much. I hope you know that she is hiding behind your son. Invoking the well being of children is typical of spouses who wish to avoid their own feelings and so deflect the argument onto the children since it is impossible to argue against. Obviously your son would automatically assume any femme articles he came across were your wife's. And children are almost always accommodating even if he were to find out since the love between a parent and child is strong and unconditional.

Im not exactly out woods yet in that she had wrote out a full plan for us after the divorce along with flip floping weeks so each of could have equal time wit my son. this was all said in the email to warn me not to test her restrictions.

I hope I don't offend but your wife sounds like a control freak. This level of manipulation is akin to emotional blackmail designed to give all the power in the relationship to her. That is an extremely unhealthy situation and is far removed from anything called love. This sounds to me your wife sees your relationship as nothing more than a marriage of convenience.

i still fear that some day she might leave me anyways. I know , i know I should be content with the current situation

I share your fear. Your wife is not willing to tackle her own feelings which means the bitterness inside her has not been addressed. Nothing has been resolved. It will likely flare up again in a year or two. You should not be content with this. You will suffer psychological damage having to live with your freedom to be yourself being controlled by your spouse wondering when she will throw out your things again. When the power equilibrium is unbalanced, the weaker party loses their self esteem and withdraws into a shell. You need to see a councilor even if it just yourself to discuss how this is going to affect you and ultimately your son if the relationship is dysfunctional.

[Sheila]

Wendy I am glad things are looking better, give her time and maybe things will improve, not saying they will, but maybe just maybe ........... at least for sure you know she loves you even if she cannot cope in any way shape or form with seeing you dressed ............ and hey out of this huge mess, you have gained a positive even if it is inly a tiny one, she knows this is a part of who oyu are, that it is not going to go away and is trying to cope with all of it now instead of totally ignoring it.

Good luck & fingers crossed for you both

[kellycan27]

Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...
However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.

Well Nicole... I think unlike many of you cd/ts I have the ability to look at both sides of the equation fairly. If you read my first post in this thread you'd see that I do empathize with wendy. but I can also see her wife's point of view. Not many of you cd/ts seem to want to take into account that the fact that Wendy (for whatever her reasons) blindsided her wife after many years. Everyone seems to want to lay blame on Wendy's wife.. she's the bad guy.
I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?

[Aleca]

I have been online 13 years but never heard a story quite like this one. I don't think throwing out your personal belongings (clothing) was very respectful of your wife. My wife has never thrown out any of my clothing. If she finds something, she will stick it out in plain view so that I am aware she has seen it. She has asked me to get rid of stuff before, I have even gotten rid of clothing to make her happy before. Even if I'm gone out of town she won't get rid of it because she knows it's still mine. Better way would have been to ask you to keep your clothing somewhere else, like at your mothers or in a storage.

[Fab Karen]

( #113) Satrana has some good advice. If there's any hope of a lasting loving marriage, it will take couples therapy.


"I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?"
Nicole Erin's opinion of your life isn't shared.Many of us do not support lying/hiding from a partner. Generalizations only lead us further from reality.
There's two issues here- one being the hiding/deceiving, the other is an abusive controlling partner. "do as I tell you" isn't compromise, & not a loving union.
If the situation was reversed, would it be ok if Wendy had suffered some hurt & responded by throwing out all of her wife's things?

[Vicky_Scot]

She is a dictator not a wife. Who the hell does she thing she is doing this to you?

Sorry if my wife did this to me, that would be the end of the marriage.

She has shown that she has no respect for you and you need that in a marriage.

Xx Vicky xX

[Kathy4ever]

I can feel your pain. I'm more in the closet. She has thrown stuff away before. Last week she threw more of my stuff away, Even found a nightie in the back of my drawer. Never said a word. I've been cold and pissed since. We still never talk about it. It is lonely. Not sure where this is heading but one of us will blow a gasket eventually.I wish you luck in your endeveours. It is a shame we can't just be who we are without a being judged and sentenced to silence.

[TorieGG]

WOW! Did something happen that she's not telling you about? This is a really drastic act that I don't think I would even THINK of doing without something major happening. It's kind of like when a wife finds her husband is cheating and she throws his clothes out on the front lawn. Maybe trying to find out if there was a reason for doing that might be helpful. If she's known for 2 years it just doesn't add up that she would do this without any other provocation. That conversation also might open up the communication to how important this is in your life.

[Monica93304]

Well, she has you by the b@lls unless you refuse. She is a dictator. Are you willing to live under those kinds of conditions? Seems like she would use your son against you at anytime. I dont care how long you've been hiding this Wendy. What she's doing isn't right. For those of us that have or have had supportive SO's, we've been lucky. But I can't imagine going through this myself Wendy.

I would make sure that i love myself enough to not put up with that kind treatment by my SO. Talk about being in the dog house. That's BS girl, and you know it.

Good luck.

[AmandaM]

Since she feels angry that you "lied" to her all these years, she has a right to her feelings. She doesn't have the right to tell you how to behave "or else". The "or else" part if not conducive to a relationship. That's the part she needs to work on. If it doesn't improve over time, and you still have a "dictatorship", I see problems for you.

[Lady JayDee]

Well there is a lot of ridiculous stuff on this thread that I will not even waste my time responding to. All I will say is that how some CDers can slag off "females" and then go on to complain about the gender divisions and how CDers are discriminated against- well I really dont understand that.

To the OP..I completely understand why you are upset but what I would say is rather than take this one event in isolation, in order to resolve it you need to look at the bigger picture. All I can gauge from this thread is what your wife is like from her actions of throwing your belongings away. But she has known for quite some time before this event so what has happened to cause her to do this?

Has she had external factors causing her stress and she has focussed on your crossdressing to take it out on? Have you done anything differently that would cause her to wobble or worry and feel differently about your dressing?

Before you do anything drastic remember that she HAS been accepting for quite some time so if this is the first occasion she has objected (and yes it is extreme and she is in the wrong for throwing away your things) then maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt and a bit of understanding about why she did this in the first place.

If you delve deeper and discover that there was no ulterior motive other than malice and being horrible then you are quite within your right to end things but I personally think that you should give a chance as she has previously given you the opportunity to explore what you need to.

[Misty is Kindafem]

Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...

Hang on a minute, nobody here has any idea about the relative "hardness" of Kelly's life. It's true that she is gorgeous and super hot and inexplicably camera shy but I'll bet you a buck that her path to fabulous has been hard enough that few of us would knowingly endure the same trials.

She may indeed have it all now, but there certainly was also a time when she lost it all and was forced to start a new life.

Passing easily? After years of work and courage sure. That was easy.

Easy? It's doubtful that she looked like the cutie patootie she is now when she first made the decision to go full time. In fact, I would venture to say that her aversion to cameras was probably earned the old fashioned way. It may actually take years of seeing who she is before she will be able to really deal with who she was.

What you call "boasting" is well deserved as far as I'm concerned. She's done the work. I sit here in my gilded closet, carefully choosing who I allow to punch my dance card. Cautiously stepping through the moves while Kelly is courageously taking on each new dance backwards and in high heels.

Please don't discount her point of view just because she's beautiful. There's a word for that isn't there?

-Misty

[Celeste]

Sounds like your mom's patio rm. will have to work now,I would have my stuff secured however,maybe in a locked closet.She may have found out within the last few years ,but I feel these arrangements could have been decided without the invasion of privacy and loss of all your belongings.I too feel this is more about control, judging from what you've told us. Have you thought of asking her if she feels throwing out all your stuff is really going to change the way you feel inside.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Hi Wendy,

I read through most of what is here for you and there is a lot of solid advice once you get past the angry comments.

My two cents worth.

TIME is your biggest advantage in this situation. Patience is your other key player. Right now your S/O is doing a LOT of thinking whether you realize it or not. Sure, what she did was wrong, but at this point there is not much you can do about it save for protecting the things you acquire from this day forward.
Listening to your S/O when she vents will give you insight into her window of the world and the answers you need to move things forward in a positive way. It appears she DOES wanna keep the family together and has begun to COMPROMISE even just a little.
Give her the time and space she needs to process this and you may well see more compromise from her end in the not too distant future.

She may not be interested right now, but you may eventually tell her about the really cool GG's right here in this very forum that will not hesitate to give her an ear, some good advice, and keep it completely private from the rest of the world. Sometimes, having others to talk to that are going through similar situations can really make all the difference.

In the meantime, get YOUR world on the right track both personally and professionally! Keeping busy is a bonafide way of not "thinking" too much lol.

Know that we are still here for you when you need us.

There... now BREATH in ... BREATH out... relax

*much hugs*

Zarabeth

[KayC]

Wendy,
Would it be possible to have your wife post her version on here? It'd be so much easier to see what is going on with both perspectives laid out. Venting is all good, but it seldom accomplishes any significant change, for that we have to see what we're dealing with, often with a fresh perspective.

[kellycan27]

( #113) Satrana has some good advice. If there's any hope of a lasting loving marriage, it will take couples therapy.


"I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?"
Nicole Erin's opinion of your life isn't shared.Many of us do not support lying/hiding from a partner. Generalizations only lead us further from reality.
There's two issues here- one being the hiding/deceiving, the other is an abusive controlling partner. "do as I tell you" isn't compromise, & not a loving union.
If the situation was reversed, would it be ok if Wendy had suffered some hurt & responded by throwing out all of her wife's things?

I agree with you Karen.. Wendy's wife shouldn't have thrown away her things. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe Wendy's wife just got fed up with trying to deal with something that she isn't or may never be comfortable with. I personally think that there is more to this story than meets the eye. Why would someone just snap.. out of the blue and do a complete 180? I don't think people should be so quick to judge
the wife without hearing her side. As I mentioned before, These threads on un accepting SO's are plentiful, and the blame seems to fall on the unaccepting SO rather than the cder who for the most parts gets absolution from the rest.
And let me just ask you one thing........... Did Wendy give her wife the opportunity to compromise from the get go? Nope, not one thought was given to her wants or desires. Wendy was actually the controlling one, by omission.. how loving was that? Are we supposed to look at that as water under the bridge?


And finally............ Nicole Erin has no clue as to how easy or hard my life has been. Her opinion about my life and $3.00 will get her a crummy cup of coffee at Starbucks. ... if she has the nerve to go out in public that is

Kelly

[wendy68]

I agree with you Karen.. Wendy's wife shouldn't have thrown away her things. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe Wendy's wife just got fed up with trying to deal with something that she isn't or may never be comfortable with. I personally think that there is more to this story than meets the eye. Why would someone just snap.. out of the blue and do a complete 180? I don't think people should be so quick to judge
the wife without hearing her side. As I mentioned before, These threads on un accepting SO's are plentiful, and the blame seems to fall on the unaccepting SO rather than the cder who for the most parts gets absolution from the rest.
And let me just ask you one thing........... Did Wendy give her wife the opportunity to compromise from the get go? Nope, not one thought was given to her wants or desires. Wendy was actually the controlling one, by omission.. how loving was that? Are we supposed to look at that as water under the bridge?


And finally............ Nicole Erin has no clue as to how easy or hard my life has been. Her opinion about my life and $3.00 will get her a crummy cup of coffee at Starbucks. ... if she has the nerve to go out in public that is

Kelly

Hi Kelly , I certainly do take responsiblity for the actions my wife has taken due to oringinal deception only revealed a few years ago ,but I feel she could of at least let me get my stuff out of the house to my moms or another friends house to store. I honestly never saw her doing something like this. The only thing that i did find out was that her close girlfriend has been talking to her and reinforcing to her how if it was her finding out , that she would of called it quits straight away. Im not saying that this helped spark this action of hers , but its a very possible connection in that they are the closest of friends and my wife takes her advice seriously in general. I know you spoke ok of control. I truly dont want to control anyone espiecially her , it would be a impossible task even if I wanted to . I made a difficult decision two years ago by telling her. I knew the risks, but I also knew that marriage is something that requires honesty between both people if one , the other or both can have a change to grow. my thinking at the time was that if I could free myself of the burden of hiding to my closest friend {my wife}, that it would make me a better spouse for her in the long run in that my total being could be allowed to express itself in "yes " a controlled fashion set by her boundaries. I respect her very much but I couldnt keep lying to her anymore. Believe me , I wish I could of had the courage to be up front with her all those years ago.

[MizT]

I am so sorry for you dear....really, that was uncalled for.