Honey, there is a statement about TS's. All transexuals' stories are exactly the same, just the names and dates are diferent. I can't tell you how many of the same exact thoughts and words I had about myself, like; " I'd convinced myself that I was happy as a male crossdresser. " Yep, that was me, and l couldn't deny that everyday I woke up in that 'happy' life I'd put my head in hands and ACHE with the knowledge that I wished I was a woman. I so resonated with your story, you are almost there. And while there is no choice about being transexual, what you do about it IS. I had a choice that you are just about ready to answear for yourself, and honestly; DO seek a therapist. A GOOD GENDER therapist will show you that THEY don't have the answear. YOU ALLREADY KNOW THE ANSWEAR. Once you make your choice... the rest is just details.

I will second the comment that if you are having trouble's with affording a therapist then maybe you aren't ready to move forward. I would also not recomend that you present two gender presentations, it will take away your credibility as a woman and they will treat you as a fetishist.

Now, that all being said I will tell you that I am the education co chair for Transgender San Francisco, and that I regularly help girls in our community find the services and products to help them transition. There HAS to be a therapist that can work with you on a sliding scale, there ARE places to get your hormone costs subsidized. They're up here, they have to have some there as well. I know it would be a haul but it might be wise to reach out to the trans community in LA as well. If you really are having trouble finding things get in touch and I'll do what I can from here.

On another topic, about the girls in the office comments about your change in demenour... I've had the same things said about me once I transitioned. Comments like
" As long as I've known you there has this strained look about you and your personality that I never noticed until it was gone!"

" A lot of people have noted that you used to be a very angry man. "
That last one stunned my because my whole 'front' / male presentation was supposed to be a happy, funny guy.

And as much as you think you're scared of that future, you find yourself stronger than you thought once you stop carrying that fear. I definately feel lighter, in all ways.
And before you say "but what about the family?" I raised a daughter by myself from the time she was 8, she's now 20. I didn't start coming out until AFTER she moved out of the home.

So, while you've posted here to get advice... you allready KNOW. Don't you? The rest is just details. Be well, be safe, and reach out if you want. Our first mistake, that you've fixed is thinking that you are alone, you're not. We're your sisters. Carol