Again, I say, whoa. Fair is fair. As you point out we cannot arbitrarily decide what is fair that is up to the person whose life is being changed. It isn't "fair" to get into a relationship, where the spouse has expectations, and then drop a bomb on them. They have invested time and emotion into the relationship. That is their time and emotion, not yours, that they have used to build what they see as a solid foundation. The people who have already arbitrarily decided to supress this information have already arbitrarily decided what they think is "fair".
Yes, I am concerned about the women. When you hide this information, you are taking the control of their lives away from them. They are along for the ride, blissfully enjoying the scenery until you decide to take your 300slc off road without warning. You didn't say "Hey lets go for a drive and sometime in the future I am going change direction." No you said "hop in, it will be beautiful (right up until I push you from the car." I still have trouble believing that so many people here who want everyone to accept them, hide that very part and then throw it out like a red flag. "Take me as I am or else!" and when the woman chooses the "Or else" part they are stunned. Shocked that she didn't see it coming. Shocked that they just didn't embrace this with full open arms.
If you kept this from your spouse until you had children and grandparents at home then the fair thing is for you to not dress and not bring this out at this point. It may not seem fair to you, but you made that decision when you asked your wife to marry you. You can live with it now, that is fair.