I just don't know. The only thing I can think of is to invent a poker night at a friends house she doesn't know (alibi) get a motel room and let the inner girl come out.
Ok it is deceiving her a little. But it is keeping your sanity, while keeping your wife and family, until a better solution comes along.
So sorry for you hon but the urge will just get stronger and stronger. I don't think you will be able to bottle it up forever. Is there any chance you could come up with an agreement where you were allowed to do it on occasions away from home; but never do it around her?
I strut my stuff, I feel so proud,
I need to shout, to scream out loud,
I am Tricia I am she,
I am who I want to be
http://tricia-dale.blogspot.com/
Wow, that doesn't sound a lot like a marriage worth saving, it sounds more like a hostage situation. "Do what I want you to, or I will destroy you." Yeah, that is a healthy, caring, nurturing person I want to spend the rest of my time with, and want my kids to grow up around. Not. That isn't a wife, that is an extortionist, a mobster, a mugger, a terrorist.
Look, wives deserve honesty, and they deserve consideration, and time to process their feelings, and heaps and tons of compassion and care - but no one, including wives, has the right to try to manipulate and control people either through their unwillingness to (eventually) accept the people they say they love, or by threats of violence.
This is one of those situations where if you (literally) flip the genders it becomes obvious how wrong this is. What if you were a woman coming here telling everyone that your husband won't let you cut your hair and insists that you wear skirts and dresses all the time, tells you that you are sick and need to medication, or he will take the kids, and do everything in his power to destroy you? What would we tell that woman? We would tell her to leave the abusive SOB and we would threaten to show up on his door step with torches and pitchforks.
This is not the behavior of a loving wife. Why you would want to stay in a relationship with a person like that, much less sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship with a person like that escapes me.
You have tried to talk with her about this, and she is unwilling to even talk with you about it, you have given her time and space, but her only response is to deny you the right to be comfortable in your home and express a desire to control your thoughts? This isn't a person who loves you. Rip this bandaid off.
"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." — Marilyn Monroe
Hi Jenna. I read your posts. I have just lived through a situation like yours. I moved all Corrine's stuff to a storage unit. Separated Corrine from the family as best I could. Don't leave a paper trail! Deal with the controlling bitch as her husband. It's war Jenna. Your fighting for everything you've worked for. Kids, house, sanity. Then I let the war begin. Go for all of it. Take the house, the kids, the car and whatever else you worked for. My ex tried to use the cd thing against me too. None of her business. She made her choice. She wants to live in a box that is her choice but she doesn't have the right to make you live in her box. I got the kids 50/50, the house and the car. I let her have everything else. Good riddens! My strategy is one battle at a time. First deal with the bitch. Get her out of your life and out of your head. You will be in a more stable environment to decide how to proceed with your children. Age has a lot to do with that. It's different for everyone. Use your best judgment. Don't take it sitting down! She will tell the kids about you so start thinking about it now. She'll do it out of spite. We've hid this part of our lives for so long that it should be easy for you to keep doing it. Do not get a conscience now. Wait till your divorced then decide if you want to tell your kids, friends etc. Custody will be 50/50 if you live in one of the more "normal" states. If you live in one of the few backward rednecks states left I feel for you. Take comfort that Jenna will survive and be in a much better position when it's over. Until then you need to think tactically and as far forward as possible. Do not be nice! Ever! If she doesn't like it then tell her to pack her shit and get out. The soon to be ex will take advantage of you and will have no second thoughts. If she goes, immediately change every lock to your house. Let your kids see her whenever they want. In fact, be proactive and tell them to see her or call her, whatever. This is just the beginning. Good Luck!
like the lady above said---what do you want the rest of your life to be?--hard to stop because somebody else wants us to--in fact just about impossible as you are finding out---best idea is to try to work out some kind of compromise with your wife maybe you can have one weekend a month outside the house where you are free to dress?? If she absolutly refuses to do anything about it, then some therapy etc
[SIZE="4"][/SIZE]
Jenna....there is no easy way or "plan" to cope with the feelings that you have inside as well as your family around you. Sometimes, it is best to "hide" Jenna sometimes, but she does have to "breathe" once in a while as well. If this means, hiding in a motel room or storage unit, then do so if it will keep you "sane", but it still is something that is like "sneaking around"... I too have a family and an "ex" who would have loved nothing except to take the heat off herself by pointing out my cd'ing, but I never let her find out. It was strange to hear her say in the begining of our relationship that she had dated a guy who cross dressed and she wanted nothing to do with it! I can relate to your situation as well, as Maria has been around and is definately a part of me...
counseling may be the way to go for you, but please try to remember that the therapist can send you down the wrong path as well..be very careful...
if you have a need to chat, just let me know..
Maria
You might have to crossdress on the sly. I know, it's like you're cheating on her. Other things you can try are a lot of working out, meditation, and trying to redirect your thoughts. Another thing you can do if your crossdressing has a sexual component (fetish), have sex a lot, even, ahem, by yourself. Sometimes, that can relieve the pressure. But, all of this is a lot of work to keep your feelings under control. Try it. If none of it works, you will have to crossdress on the sly, minimum. There is a chance though, with time, she may become less hostile to it, and even begrudgingly accept your "alone time".Originally Posted by JennaDesire
Last edited by AmandaM; 12-08-2009 at 10:10 PM.
:
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
You don't need help. If you decide to quit, just do it. Ten years now and it's a major hit to my productivity. But it can be done. You will think about it all the time. You may not choose to be a crossdresser, but you choose to crossdress. You have a choice. I still want to so bad, but I made a choice.
Bad advice. Do not lie to your wife.
I applaud your choice of your family over your desires. You may not see it now but you will be rewarded for your sacrifice.
Of course, it is very difficult to keep the urges away! Has anyone ever said this would be easy? I recommend that if you have not told your wife about your a) your sacrifice and b) your urges, then I would recommend that you tell her even if she doesn't want to hear anything about crossdressing. She SHOULD be pleased that you are actively and consciously putting your family ahead of you.
You need be able to share your urges and desires with your wife in a manner that invites her to recognize that your struggle is not easy. Do not share with the intent that you are trying to make her feel bad, trying to "educate her", or that you are pressuring her to cave in. She should understand that your thoughts and desires are NOT consciously, deliberately generated by you. You just didn't wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I'll be a crossdresser. I think today I hate my hair on my legs although I really liked it there yesterday..." (I don't know about you but I have thousands of thoughts, desires, and temptations about many different things pound away at me all day and into the night. And I do stress quite a bit at resisting many of them...)
She should be as much a part of this fight as you are. In other words, she needs to be fighting on your side and give you her affirmation and support. If she expects you to go off to a room somewhere, "fix" yourself, and "I don't want to hear anything about it until you are fixed," then you have some major relationship issues that need to be worked out in therapy.
Certainly, it is not her "fault" that you are a crossdresser but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't support you and be actively involved in your struggles no matter what they are...
Robyn P.
It sounds to me like your wife is very afraid. It's fear that raises emotions to the level where it seems reasonable to tell someone you've loved for years that you will ruin them. Counseling for you will help you deal with the demands and threats you feel from her. The majority of the people on this site agree that the need to experience our feminine sides won't go away and may even grow stronger as you attempt to suppress it. That suppression effort may even cause you to act in ways that threaten your marriage and home. You need an outlet so you can deal level-headed with the problems you wife brings to the table, and counseling or a support group seem to be the best options.
Eventually you will have to deal with her fears and attempt to find a way to remove or reduce them. We have no way of telling what is driving her fear to this level but until she is confident that this won't ruin what she expects and needs to hold to, you have a difficult relationship to manage. The best argument may be the fact that you have been the same person for as long as she has known you and she made the decision to marry you in the first place. It wasn't a mistake and it may be some of your female qualities that attracted her in the first place.
Good luck to you on this challenge.
Sarah
Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
Hey Jenna
Is it any easier for you today? This is a confusing season, make the kids happy, that helps me. My situation isn't all that different from yours.
Joann
As much as I hate to say it cd'ng destroyed my marriage.I have posted that I dream of being with a man but it is fictional I only feel that way when dressed and if the opportunity came to be with a man I seriously doubt it would happen.Needless to say the way she pictured me in her mind I was GAY and it never got beyond that.My marriage ended in a bitter fued and I still miss her but Bridget lives on.
[SIZE="2"]My heart goes out to you, Jenna. I like what Sally said. In some situations, we just have to mentally trick ourselves, such, as mind over matter. Therapists, can be too expensive, for many of us. I just wish the wife would really try compassion, and putting herself, in your heels! I wonder what some wives would say, if we told them, no dressing in pants or jeans? What's good for the goose, is good, for the gander! I face another "impossible" situation, with my family, but, much different, than a marriage situation. It will have to be of the spirit, and mind, to overcome, and stay in this marriage. Regardless of what happens, you will survive, one day at a time.[/SIZE]
Based on this statement alone, your wife has control issues. I think that therapy for both of you would probably be a good idea.
I've always felt that marriage is a mutual agreement and should be based on compromise, not as a one sided situation.
Dana Ryan
You always have options and choices available that may not seem apparent in the mental turmoil of a crisis.
As suggested, taking the time to "step away" and collect your thoughts can be helpful. An hour alone by a stream, in a park or any quiet place outside can do alot for your spirits.
Sometimes a "mechanical approach" (removing emotion and focusing on the "options"), including writing them down works well also. It gives you a sense of "control" in a time when you feel you have none.
There is a "difference" between "counseling and therapy". I would venture to say there is a major difference in how your wife views those terms. You might consider refraining from referring to anything as "therapy" for now. Some think of therapists....as....the-rapists,....which is the same spelling...only a different outlook...lol
If this was another issue of your relationship...just as important...but not specific to CD...how would you feel about your wife's approach to problem solving with her "life partner" ?? This issue will not be the only one in a lifetime partnership, will it??
You have picked the honest approach, which is seldom the easiest choice...usually it is the hardest. But if you follow through with your efforts to resolve this...even if it does not end up successful...you will be glad to look back and know you did every thing you could do to save it.
don't give up
Jenna
I went thru this with my wife, and I worked at it fo rmy kids, now at 50, she is loosing up a bit. just take it a day at a time
I am a firm believer that ANXIETY plays a huge role in the desire to crossdress. If you go to a doctor and get some anxiety medication, this will definitely lower your urge to crossdress. It does not stop it though. It just make it more manageable. If you stop and think when you have a desire, how are you feeling, are you in a bit of a stressfull situation?
Hi Jenna
Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time in your life right now.
My two cents worth would be a therapist , preferably one with gender issue experience for you and maybe in time your wife too.
Good luck.
Tomara
Can you handle the truth??
Ditch the wife the family will ultimately understand as life is to short to be on the run all the time. Your freedom awaits you
George Zimmerman says "youll like the way you look" and he is right I do!
This would be my recommendation as well, if they don't have experience with gender issues, they will be learning on your dime.
Be careful if you or your wife starts seeing a therapist, and then at a later date you try to have them do couples counseling; my wife and I tried that, and her therapist started attaching me. When I asked why, she said that she was protecting her patient (my wife); that was the last time we saw her.
My wife and I talked about her therapist on the drive home and my wife didn't understand why the therapist acted like that either.
Dana Ryan
Jenna, it is something that you will never get over, because you can't. Jenna..is who you are, and you can repress all you want, but the denial will haunt you every day of your life. God knows.. I've tried. It's been going on 2 years now, that I've had to keep Crissy repressed...and I cannot any longer. I cannot deny who I really am. My family would never accept that part of me, hence my moving out and away. There are maritial problems for me as well, but I'm taking this opportunity, to get Crissy's like back, and my own. 2 years repressed now, the longest time in my life, and I've felt like I've been under water not breathing the whole time. If I don't take this stand for myself, things much worse may happen to me. If you truly are Jenna, as I truly am Christine, you cannot just turn it off, and be done with it. You will NEVER be done with it. Christine
Jenna, I always refrain from telling others how to live their life. In keeping with that effort, I will tell you that I will keep you in my prayers and I hope everything for all members of your family turn out well.
Jenna your story saddens me. My wife has just recently found out about my CD'ing and so far has been OK with it. We are going to therapy after the holidays are over and hopefully she can see that Vanessa is part of who I am. I hope you realize that Jenna is part of you and you can't just switch her off and hope she goes away. I tried with Vanessa and have returned every time. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
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