I try to avoid thinking too hard about what I really am... however, there's definitely a feeling, a mood, that comes and goes, and when I don't have it crossdressing just feels stupid, and I can't do it. It's sometimes annoying, as one part of me wants to feel all the good feelings that come from crossdressing, but if that... feminine mood? (that's how I like to think of it) isn't there then I can't get anything out of it. This limits me to dressing once or twice a week (not counting bedtime where I wear a pink nightdress more often than not), even though there's room in my life for more of it than that.
Being male... is kinda handy in a practical sense, less problems with sexism and all that. When I'm in the right mood there are some awesome bits of menswear that give the masculine equivalent of the femme feeling I get from crossdressing, shame the occasion for wearing them doesn't come up so often.
Right now, I've been buying a lot of treats for my feminine side, and been getting a lot of acceptance and validation from the people I've come out to (and compliments on my skirts and dresses), whereas the male me is feeling distinctly invalidated by still being single and having to push himself through the hell that is online dating. But he's definitely there, that can't be denied.
