**My biggest point I wanted to get across is if someone is in a committed relationship, to pursue someone else, regardless of gender issues, is harmful to their SO and relationship. Period.


KayC,

I respect that your point is your point, but I do not think it's necessarily true that someone in a committed relationship pursuing someone else is harmful. In a particular relationship, the partner's knowledge and support of an activity - in the main here, a CD's perhaps convoluted pursuit of themselves - is important to their partner's and thus their own health and well-being.

I get it that when CDer's complain about their partner's lack of support or interest that they do have a valid need there somewhere. It's too bad, however, that few CDer's seem to understand, "She IS telling you what you need to know to reshape your game. Now, do that and improve your common relationship. Get on with it."

More commonly, their are "open" relationships where people are committed to one another, in marriage for example, but between themselves have worked out some particular variation(s) that suit them just fine. They're often called "open" relationships but it's more a term for "leave us be" than anything else. In reality, it may be a more intimate and functional model, for them, than any cookie-cutter, textbook, dictionary definition of what people's lives are "supposed" to be. So, I, for one, am content to, in fact, leave them be so long as I am free to go elsewhere if I chose to: "Your being honest gives me information to make choices too. Thank you."


**Honesty is the better road but yes, sometimes comes with a price...but so does dishonesty. For myself, dishonesty is a deal breaker. I don't think a person has to share every thought that goes on in their head, but if it's pertinent to the relationship, yes, it should be brought into the open.


Honesty with oneself and significant others is perhaps the most important of all things. I have been simply amazed at how my discussing my feelings and concerns with SOs has resulted in us being closer and happier. "Oh, is that all that's bothering you?" And, "So, where do I fit in all this. Can I do something to help?" It's not all been champagne and roses, but it has always been something that could be worked out and as it worked out we were both happier with it. I had, however, to do more than half the work to get the issue(s) on the table and to keep refining them until we got to, "Oh, well, that will be fine." Then, the only problem was I had to do what I'd been asking to do. These were no longer wishes; they were "Things to do" lists we'd agreed on. Very like singing in the shower and suddenly finding the wall slide open to a audience seated there waiting for the next verse...

To the OPs original post, the "man angle," I think - and as has already been noted - is always woven into the CD/TS/TG issues either before or after a certain age, no matter what one's maturity with the idea may be at any age or level of experience.

My SOs have always kept this in mind, even when I didn't. Some of their best advice has been:

"Well, yeah... But, be careful what you wish for. Most men are just jerks. Why do you think we - you and I - spend so much time together? You're one of the good ones."

That works.