In hindsight... I was pretty stupid

[LizSummers]

Smile, well done on acknowledger your silliness, we all do summat stupid in out lives (me to many times to count), it is nice to see someone stand up and say "I did wrong and I think what she did in retaliation is fair" ......... it sounds like you have a good loving relationship with your SO and want to keep it that way

She took some hair off her thighs, and now her property gets destroyed/removed? That's not a loving relationship. That's an abusive relationship.

[kimdl93]

I have to put myself among those who feel that the reaction was excessive. This was an entirely disproportionate response to what honestly was a rather modest transgression. If shaving legs elicits this kind of response - what happens next time.

Tamara makes a great point also - is there any reciprocity? Do you set rules and assign punishments too?

People make mistakes, some small and really meaningless. Other mistakes can be wholey destructive of a relationship. But an over-reaction to a mistake can be equally destructive. I would suggest that both you your SO take a step back and consider this behavior.

[Tamara Croft]

People are missing the point.

They had an agreement, Smile, broke that agreement.

I damn well didn't miss the point, yes Smile broke her agreement, but did the wife have to go to such extremes and treat her like a child? She shaved the thigh part of her legs, not ALL of the legs... That is the point, the point that the wife went way over the top and what could happen next time... THAT IS THE POINT!!! She cut up the wig, what happens next time, she gonna use them scissors on part of her body? You just don't know what she is capable of, maybe she'll lock Smile in the boot (trunk) of the car eh?

So maybe that is over the top, but it could happen, she shaved part of her legs and was punished... you don't enforce rules like that, not on a grown man/woman!!

If this was the other way around, if Smile had done this to the wife, you'd be saying Smile was abusing her... what's the difference? because Smile is a man?

[Sheila]

She took some hair off her thighs, and now her property gets destroyed/removed? That's not a loving relationship. That's an abusive relationship.

Okay then Debs over reacted to an outside event, took it out on me, hurling all sorts of crap at me ................ am I also in an abusive relationship ?

The CDERs who abuse the trust of their SO and use their clothes without their permission, damage things sometimes beyond repair are they then abusers ?

Those who use CDing to explore their sexuality outside their relationship without agreement are they also guilty of abusing their partner .............. sometimes abuse is not always about physical ............... sometimes it hits at the core of a persons being

Smile I am sure you never meant for this thread to get into a them and us arguement

[Samantha B L]

Smile,it all sounds like a real Catch-22 for you and honey,I don't actualy know you but I'm sorry to read about it. But I think it's very nice that you and your wife love eachother.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Why do so many feel the need to impose their views on Smile???

lots of protesting too much..

look, the wig cutting was extreme and she had a real bad reaction...good for you if you rule the roost ...every relationship is different

[DonniDarkness]

I damn well didn't miss the point, yes Smile broke her agreement, but did the wife have to go to such extremes and treat her like a child? She shaved the thigh part of her legs, not ALL of the legs... That is the point, the point that the wife went way over the top and what could happen next time... THAT IS THE POINT!!! She cut up the wig, what happens next time, she gonna use them scissors on part of her body? You just don't know what she is capable of, maybe she'll lock Smile in the boot (trunk) of the car eh?

So maybe that is over the top, but it could happen, she shaved part of her legs and was punished... you don't enforce rules like that, not on a grown man/woman!!

If this was the other way around, if Smile had done this to the wife, you'd be saying Smile was abusing her... what's the difference? because Smile is a man?

First, her reaction is her reaction, it belongs to her and she did it for her reasons. Whether it was over-reacting or a justifiable response for being hurt by him, WHO are we to judge how she coped with this betrayal. Yeah thats right i said it BETRAYAL....because thats most likely how she felt at the time and it was an outlet for her "SHOW HIM" that shes effing serious....

Second, your are condemning her for something she hasn't even done yet, with whole "whats she gonna do next" crap.

THE POINT:

They BOTH made this agreement, one side broke their promise, there should be consequences for stepping across the line without first communicating that you need to move the line.


For her the line was the thighs.....and it doesnt matter what or how much he shaved off, its the principle that he did not regard what she asked of him and stepped over that line.

But im going give an honest attempt at trying to change this thread for the better.
Smile, here is a link for tips on getting your leg hair to grow back faster.......so that way you can have what you enjoy back on the relationship table as quickly as possible.


Step 1

Take biotin supplements. These dietary supplements help to increase hair growth cycles, meaning your leg hair will grow faster. You can find biotin supplements in most grocery, drug and health stores. Generally, 2.5 milligrams daily is recommended.
2.
Step 2

Eat a well-balanced diet, rich in vitamins and nutrients. Proper nutrition is essential to hair growth. If you are inadequately nourished, you'll experience stunted hair growth and thinning hair. Try to get as many nutrients as possible from fresh foods. You can also take a multi-vitamin daily to supplement your diet.
3.
Step 3

Rub your legs. Use circulation motions and apply firm pressure for at least two minutes, several times per day. Massage encourages circulation, meaning blood and nutrients can more readily reach your legs' hair follicles. As a result, hair growth rates may increase.
4.
Step 4

Exfoliate your legs. Dead skin cells often rest on the surface layers of skin, blocking hair follicles and slowing hair growth. Use a body scrub and loofah to exfoliate your legs at least twice weekly. If your hair follicles are clear, you'll notice faster growth cycles.
5.
Step 5

Take vitamin supplements. Particular vitamins, such as Vitamins A, B3, B6 and B12, are associated with hair growth. Encourage your leg hair to grow more quickly by increasing your intake of these key vitamins.
6.
Step 6

Apply a thin layer of eucalyptus or rosemary oil to your legs. Both oils stimulate the epidermis, encouraging hair follicles to act more quickly. You find these essential oils in most homeopathic or health stores.
7.
Step 7

Sleep. Without proper sleep, your body cannot optimally maintain body functions, including hair growth. For best results, get at least seven hours of sleep nightly.

[mklinden2010]

S,

Hopefully to improve readability, I've responded with "cut and paste" instead of the quote button...

>>Okay then Debs over reacted to an outside event, took it out on me, hurling all sorts of crap at me ................ am I also in an abusive relationship ?


Maybe... If I heard this over and over again, I'd have to up the odds from "maybe" to "probably." Just depends on how good the relationship really is FOR you and what gets learned about bringing in outside issues that are disruptive to your harmony.


>>The CDERs who abuse the trust of their SO and use their clothes without their permission, damage things sometimes beyond repair are they then abusers ?


Maybe. Then again, they may just be stupid, ignorant, thoughtless, and/or clumsy. Depends on what they learn and how the fix what they've messed up.


>>Those who use CDing to explore their sexuality outside their relationship without agreement are they also guilty of abusing their partner .............. sometimes abuse is not always about physical ............... sometimes it hits at the core of a persons being


Agreed. They may be stupid, clumsy, unlucky, drunk, etc. but that's a 99.999% hit on their partner's trust, health, etc.


>>Smile I am sure you never meant for this thread to get into a them and us arguement


My SO and I discussed this right after we read the OP and we couldn't see why the OP would offer this up unless they wanted it discussed more fully. And, I think we're working towards agreement about "good" and "bad" behaviors by all sides in a relationship and what makes for a "good" life and a "bad" relationship.

The comment about being "pw'd" is an issue to be careful about, for instance. Be careful in life not to present yourself for blackmail, to agree to it, or, to offer it up as a way to "make a deal."

Again, there are some personal rights you cannot waive - even if you say it out loud, agree to it in writing, swear to it by any means or methods.

For example, you can not sell yourself into slavery for any reason. It is an illegal contract because it violates basic human rights - and invites others to beg, borrow, lie or steal to get others to sell themselves into bad situations.

Slavery is a corruption of humanity no matter if you're the buyer, seller, slave, or, just use the products produced by slave labor...

Agreeing to rules on your personal behavior - like no sneezing - particularly when the punishments are unstated and unclear - is a form of self imposed blackmail and/or slavery.

It's an unwise, foolish, thing to do and creates situations where "the enforcer" is "allowed" to decide what is "fair."

If his SO didn't like what he did, her course of action would be to discuss it and work it out, or, to move out.

She's not his warden, his owner, his mother, or, his God.

And, if he thinks so, or, wants her to be, that's another thread - maybe a different forum.

[Huntress]

Holy Eye Poppers. Blitzing through this thread my Eyes almost shot out of my head.
[SIZE="4"]I realized I'm in TOTAL agreement with Tamara[/SIZE]
Will wonders never cease?

Huntress

[kimdl93]

S,

...It's an unwise, foolish, thing to do and creates situations where "the enforcer" is "allowed" to decide what is "fair."

If his SO didn't like what he did, her course of action would be to discuss it and work it out, or, to move out.

.

emphatically agree!!! Honestly, the appropriate response might have been along the lines of this:

SHE: "Oh, I thought we agreed you were'n't going to shave your legs. Did I misunderstand. If not, you understand that I'm disapppointed."

HE: "I'm sorry, wasn't thinking."

The conversation ends and they go out to dinner....

[Nicole Erin]

MissDonni, sorry to say but it is true, it happens a lot here, I mean if it is the man at fault, a lot of our own TG here will be all rude and crap.

Now I am not one to tell gorwn ups what to do, but this whole imposing rules thing is not right.

Sometimes being TG DOES cost us our S.O., as did with me, but one has to choose.

I know some marriages are great, but more often than not, you give up so much for so little.

To the OP - if you are not married to this woman, get out quick while you still can real easy. Somehow I cannot imagine you and her having a healthy relationship. Breakup is hard as hell at first, I struggled thru mine but one gets over it quickly and moves on in life.

[Babette]

Normally, I don't respond to these types of post but I have chosen to make an exception. My reaction after reading Smiles original post was anything but positive. After rereading it few more times, I calmed down a bit because I focused on the details that Smile had provided.

(Here I should point out, when Emma got to know the whole truth about me, she imposed 2 rules;

Like many issues in a relationship, partners have a right to their feelings and concerns. Compromise and consensus are the ideally the best ways for developing a win-win. However, words like "...she imposed 2 rules;" hints of autocratic behavior on her part. Then again, there is more to what Smile has posted.

These rules were agreed upon at the start. I had no problem with it, I understood every reason implicitly, she even suggested something called dance skins if I wanted my legs to appear smooth... more on this later).

This suggests a compromise was reached and Emma even provided alternative ideas. Great! As Tamara and so many have stated, the penalties for violating the agreement were perhaps never discussed. I agree with others that based on Smile's testimony, Emma's reaction was not befitting the crime so to speak.

So I pick her up, and we get started on a massive chat in the car. Emma's a nursing student now, and I qualified nearly 4 years ago myself so I've been through all the BS lectures.
Anyway, after 2.5 hours of "The NHS is on its arse becuase..." and "What they need to do is...", I blurted out,

It sounds like Emma had a rough day. She was stressed, tired, and needed to download the emotional baggage of nursing school before taking on something else. I think we all have moments like this.

"Er, I need to appologise, Ive kinda shaved my legs..."
She thought I was kidding. I wasn't.
Then the shit went down, I tried to explain what was going through my head at the time, we both agreed there wasnt much going through my head at the time.

If I had blurted out news like this, I would be kicking myself for not choosing a better time. This is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Anyway, long and short of it is this
- I knew the rules and boundaries, I broke them.
She got my wig out and cut it in half right infront of me.

These were her rules and you admittedly agreed to them. However, unless you had agreed to the penalties as well, then her actions are beyond rational behavior (IMO).

I was told I could have a replacement when my hair grew back. Then she went to my femme clothes with a bin-bag, put all my stuff in the bag and locked them in the old car that is currently SORN, she has the only keys with her now.
I was told I could have it all back when my hair grew back.
If I do it again, she's gone, and that is the last thing I want.

The matter of leg hairs is small both literally and figuratively speaking. If you have them, they are barely 1/2 inch in length and they do grow back quickly. If a relationship hinges on something this small, then it's headed for serious trouble because even the best marriages/relationships will be tested by many problems dwarfing this one.

Im posting this on here for everyone to see that I actually find this fair.

OK, I'll concede this is Smile's relationship and if she is happy with it, then more power to her and I wish her good fortune. On the other hand Smile, never forget that you always have the option of improving communications with Emma and that you have the right to your feelings and desires as well.

Babette

The quotes are all from Smiles original post.

[t-girlxsophie]

apologise for going slightly off topic.But I didnt realise having no body hair made me less of a man.My wife prefers me smooth so that make her what?

[carolinoakland]

My gosh she really does love you, and kudo's for... Yes, she is being incredibly fair to you. I'm stunned, and I hope you learned a lesson. You have a wonderful partner, and you know it too, that's why you admited you're mistake. You have the communication skills needed to succeed as a couple. I'm in awe that she was in my mind the most reasonable SO I've ever seen in her reaction to her boundaries being crossed. You are lucky. Take your punishment and thank her everyday for the second chance she's giving you. carol

[Chickhe]

The moral of the story as I see it, is not to make promises you can't keep. Instead of making rules, I think you have to say you will do your best, but make no promises. I don't really agree with her actions... seems childish.

[Stephenie S]

I apologize for the smart Alec crack I made. It was impolite and I should not have said it.

Stephie

[KarenCDFL]

Can your wife actually say she truly loves you with a straight face?

She cut your wig in half. Talk about disrespect!

I do understand about rules as my wife and I have them too.

What do you do to her when she decides NOT TO SHAVE HER LEGS/THIGHS for a few days?

Do you cut her bras in half or better yet make her shave her head because her legs look like a boys?

I do have to say her reaction really set me off, so I will stop here before I get into trouble.

I wish you the best in your situation.

[msginaadoll]

Did Emma overreact? In my opinion yes. However it is their relationship. Maybe she did set the rules in this case- if it is something that makes their relationship work so be it. However if she is setting rules in everything that is when you need to run for the hills. Only the original poster knows this.

[Bootsiegalore]

Well this one confuses me a bit as I'm not entirely sure how I feel. Yep, you broke your agreement/promise and that's bad. You concede the point and that is good.

Now my problem is that this is where my male side steps up to the plate and wants to get involved. It would be a cold day in hell when I let my wife or anyone else treat me as a child and take away my toys and things because I had done something wrong. .

I say Ditto!
Less the last line.... It is your life. I spent my life, until about 10 years ago, trying to please others. It cost me dearly in the end and I lost a lot of time. Re-evaluate who you are and where you want to go.

R

[Fab Karen]

Yep, definitely should have discussed it before getting caught up in the feeling. Though the over-the-top reaction wasn't called for. IF that is how marriage is, little wonder many guys don't want to get married.
Kimberly is right.

apologise for going slightly off topic.But I didnt realise having no body hair made me less of a man.

It doesn't.

[Sheila]

Perhaps if we substitute the word RULES for BOUNDARIES, we may get away from calling this a controlling relationship, and the OP pussy whipped (which by the way I thought was against forum rules ) and maybe some can get a better take on this

[JulieC]

A relationship based on the willingness to abuse your partner for a mistake they made might work for some people. If it works for you (OP) good for you.

For my wife and I, it would have been a growing moment. A moment when we could have become closer. A moment for reflection, discussion, support, and helping me stay within the lines. The situation the OP is in; it would just encourage me to go underground, and avoid telling her the truth for fear of the consequences. Fear of your spouse isn't a good basis for a relationship. It sure as hell isn't a good basis on which to integrate CDing into the relationship, regardless of the rules.

Yes, the OP made a silly mistake. Yes, it's serious. It's not something to be glossed over. If the OP could make this mistake, what other mistakes could happen? It rightfully unnerved the spouse. That doesn't give the spouse leave to become abusive.

Locking the clothes away until the hair grows back is, like another poster noted, treating the OP like a child. Maybe he acted like a child, but treating him like a child isn't going to make the situation better.

[Deborah Jane]

The OP and her G/F agreed the "rules"!!
At the end of the day it is up to the OP and her G/F to to either stick with the rules they both agreed or renegoiate them

Cutting the wig in half was bang out of order IMHO, but it is up to the OP to tell her G/F that, nothing we say can change what she did.

[suchacutie]

I have a supportive spouse, but this does not mean that I am single. I am married, so everything I do reflects on the relationship, just as everything she does reflects on the relationship. We long ago understood that neither of us is perfect and a marriage is hard work and requires constant communication to remain as a couple and not veer off as individuals. Regardless, life is life and sometimes we don't meet each other's expectations in one way or another.

In that context, I have to wonder what other expectations would result in the destruction of property and unilateral decision-making? Is this kind of action reciprocal? I do understand that if your CDing is private and you both want to keep it that way, that you might feel a bit constrained in how to react to this rather agressive action. I must admit that I have some agreement with the posts above in that I sincerely hope that my wife and I don't treat each other as we might treat recalcitrant children. Maybe she felt that you were acting like a childe and so should be treated like one, but if that is the case then maybe there is a need for some professional counciling. Likewise, if she is studying to be a nurse, the ability to act appropriately at all times is essential, whether she's had a bad day or not. It could be that the stress of her schooling is getting to her, and that might be better handled with professional help as well.

I wish you both the best of luck. Your hair will be back in 3-4 weeks and in the meantime I do hope that some conversations about acting as adults in stressful and loving circumstances might be in order, and I do recommend a professional aid you in this discussion.

my best...

tina

[Sheila]

If the OP could make this mistake, what other mistakes could happen? It rightfully unnerved the spouse. That doesn't give the spouse leave to become abusive.

She (the SO) over reacted ................ she did not become abusive FGS, some members here are over reacting, we don't know the full story and THE OP STATES SHE FOUND THIS FAIR