Telling the SO, Bad Reaction, Giving up CD'ing

[DonniDarkness]

Your wife has a right to her feelings. Go apologize for being such a dope. If you have to smoke, drink, crossdress, dance, hunt, gamble, or, whatever to be your best self, just own up to it. People want to love and be loved. But, they want to know who, what, when, where, how and why to feel safe doing so.

Hes right Georgi....You are the point of forsaking who you are to please her, if you compromise your best you, then you have nothing really to offer. If you love yourself as much as you do her, then come to common ground....if it pains her for you to be you, then you must let her go......because you love her.

Painful as that may be....but we have all made sacrifice for those we love...

Walk Your Path, we will be here if you need us.

Best Wishes,

-Donni-

[Proteus]

I understand misgivings about crossdressing, or any other unusual lifestyle for that matter. But throwing up is really over the top.

I have been wary of committed relationships, CD notwithstanding, simply because I don't want to wake up one day and find that the woman I love to the point of complete support and devotion might not return the favour.

Sure you can stop wearing women's clothes, just as you can stop any other behaviour. You can do that fine without the help of a therapist. But it's not in a therapists power, or even your power to change your personality, and your wife should realise this. Does she want to change your personailty?

[SuzanneBender]

Georgi I appreciate your post it’s a cautionary tale to those just starting down our path. There are many lessons to be learned from this thread.

I haven't posted much lately but this one is just too meaningful on a personal level to pass up. To expand on Sara Jessica's analogy this thread isn't just a car wreck that you can't help but look at. Its one of those car wrecks that you drive by and see yourself sitting in the driver’s seat.

I am truly sorry for both you and your wife. I will pray for both of you and I am sure things with “work out” for the best. Unfortunately, at this point we can’t define what “work out” looks like. I wish I could give you a road map to get to the resolution you want but the one truth in all of these posts is that none of us know how to get there.

Less than 6 months ago I was in your shoes. I came out to my bride and love of my life after 15 years and yes I used a letter that I read to her with tears in my eyes, because a teleprompter was not available. I didn’t want to miss any key points at that emotional moment. Her initial reaction was shock and then anger. Wow, what anger, but that subsided as I shared with her how much she meant to me and as we spent numerous nights working through issues that neither of us understood. We are not out of the woods and everyday is filled with challenges and issues, but I know things will “work out” and I don’t regret coming out no matter how God eventually defines “work out”.

Coming out isn’t all roses, rainbows, and singing birds especially for us that fought this issue for so long hoping that it one day would go away. It has been said in this thread once the Genie is out of the bottle you are stuck with Barbra Eden living in your life forever. I have discovered that the person you just came out to will never look at you the same way again. They may or may not accept who you are and they are sure to feel betrayed. Acceptance and trust will need to be developed and rebuilt and this could take a lifetime.

Lessons learned from us Ghosts of Coming Out Past:

- Come out to the one you love before you get married.

- Coming out after marriage will have consequences sometimes significant.

- Once you come out the closet door the locks and there is no going back in.

- Teleprompters are not suitable for use during your coming out discussion with your spouse.

I wish you and any of the other folks on this board that are wrestling with this the best of luck.

[TonyaV]

Georgi - I also got my courage to tell my wife by listening to others on this Forum, and the initial result was a disaster. The one thing I did do though, was taking my specific situation and planned my coming out accordingly. I waited for her to bring up the subject on her own, as she often does when she walks in on me as I am shaving my legs, plucking eyebrows, etc... and took it from there. Yet, her reaction was negative, and she threatened to leave me. A couple of weeks later she felt easier about it and asked to make her few commitments.

If your marriage is as solid as you initially stated (we all hope), just give her a little longer to cool off. Tell her you were thinking of it to spice up your and her sex life, together, which I am sure it's true.

Am sure most members of this Forum want nothing but the best for you.

Follow your heart, and good luck. I'll be praying for you.

[Lorileah]

I'm sorry to make this so hostile, but I really do remember your advice being so pro-'tell-her'. Go back and search for posts under your name and see if the 'tell her' theme doesn't show up in a great number of them.

Thx,
Georgi

Yes tell her...talk to her... You didn't you wrote a letter (back on that again I know). Then you threw it at her and stepped back. There was absolutely no indication you had ever discussed anything like this. And my advice to tell was early...not later. Be that as it may, the original post was asking US for sympathy. You even pointed out the part where I suggested getting out...but you aren't. You have decided to quit dressing. That is your decision and I wish you luck but odds are this is going right where you think it is going anyway. Maybe the advice from earlier read that surprise was the best option...I don't remember that at all. If that is how I made it sound, I will have to amend that.

It was a different world 30 years ago and I realize that at that time we were considered freaks. But still, having been in that situation, I also know that when I started dating I knew my future wife's slant on politics, religion, taste in food, clothing, how a "man" should act and be. Yes I spent years NOT being who I was on the outside, but is the person on the inside that we cared about. So when it came to I want to wear _____, she wasn't shocked. She thought it was strange because she personally felt it uncomfortable (shoes, underwear, skirts etc). It wasn't an overnight "Hey look what I have on!" thing. But is was early (actually even before we were married). So I don't understand your surprise at her reaction. Did you mention it even in passing? Subtle hints?

I was not saying don't tell, I was saying tell before you get deeply invested. I was also saying why the surprise? and why are you clinging to this when it is evident that you two have different opinions (see you post above about getting out.) this is a no win situation for you and her. And (yes I am psychoanalyzing) this will be a thorn in your relationship from now on. She became physically ill...I don't think you are going to change her concepts over night. If you go back and read those posts you reference I speak of loving the person not the clothing they wear. It is the person you love and she has an ideal of you that isn't true. Can you get her to see the person inside. Probably not at this point. If you ar4e willing to work that out and try...I say go for it. But if you think you (or her) will be happy with you pretending that this side of does not exist...you will be in for another surprise.

I stick with the "tell her" part...I also stick with the "get on with your lives" part. I hate divorce, I hate splitting up but in the long run, that is often the best. You want sympathy...sorry she acted the way she did and I am sorry you are hurt. But that is the sympathy. Do I feel for you? yes, that is empathy. You did the tell her part. Now you have to decide if the getting on with your life is the next move. You felt strong enough to open up, now you may need to be strong enough to move on. Love is a two way street as they say. It is compromise. I see no compromise here. This is a dominance thing. Not an equal thing.

And it is OK to flame me. I can take that. It isn't the first or last time. But my empathy for you says you need to reconsider your next move (quitting dressing will most likely fail but if it works out for you...then I am happy for you). Right now I don't see you two communicating and you can't tell her how you feel and she has closed up how she feels.

[Miss Misery]

Man, let's give Georgi some kind of credit here. He tried to do the right thing. Some complain of how he did it. Others that it wasn't sooner ....

Get over yourselves people - everyone of us (GG's not withstanding) could be or have been Georgi. It wasn't the way you did this or that or how soon you told your SO (if you did) that landed you in "acceptanceland". It was who your SO was/is.

For example - he could have told her before they got married and she could have told him "We're done. Marriage is off." But wait, telling early was a solution to her feeling deceived. Yep, not deeived and not married. Probably better in the long run BUT certainly NOT the outcome desired by the CD.

OR - get your thoughts together, take notes, do a practice video AND then talk to her about it. WAIT - she'd running into the bathroom puking. But I did everything right. Yes, you did BUT it's not all under our control where, if we say it/do it just right, she'll be okay with it. The okay with it part is in her. Who she is. How she feels about you. And plenty of other things out of our control.

So - we, as CD/TS individuals need to recognize that's who we are and that by putting it out there, no matter how nicely or logically done, we run the risk of not being accepted. That risk of not being accepted is what keeps most of us in the closet.

For those that aren't out and are in a relationship, I'd venture that much of your time is spent not CDing. So, after 20 or 31 years, you have a lot of time spent with your partner, unrelated to CDing. The risk of losing that relationship is huge - particularly for something that may consume 1% of your time. For GG's - that's another reason, fair or not, as to why some don't come out - it's a no win situation for them. Can't stop something that really only takes up a bit of overall time and can't handle potentially destroying relationship.

For the GG's - and Giorgi's especially - Was his mariage/relationship good for the 31 yrs before he told his wife? But he was a CD all that time. She just didn't know. So knowing is what ruined their relationship? That sure seems like an SO/GG problem - as I said in the beginning, that's the variable that dictates acceptence or not

Hang in there Giorgi. Do what you need to do but remember that you're a worthwhile person and deserve to be happy. We only get one time around in this life.

[MsJanessa]

Pythos - some people feel an absolute need to completely control their SO---I think that was the situation with your pilot friend---not so sure its the situation with Georgi's wife---key difference is that your pilot friends wife knew he was a pilot before she married him--knew it was part of him and she had no business trying to change that---Georgi's wife didnt know about her cding when she married him---big difference--that said, you are correct--Georgi can no more stop her desire to cd than your friend could stop his desire to fly---and ultimately its the wife who will have to make a choice.

[Rondalake]

Georgi,

I understand both sides of your situation. I'm sure we've all been there at one time or the other. I will pray for you both.

Hugs,
Roni

[Rachel Morley]

I Feel for the SO .... She's probably feeling lost.

If a person really and truly loves another person deep down inside, wouldn't they want to at least try to understand what makes them tick?

Yes Aleria, good point. In my above quote of myself, that "at least try to understand" idea goes both ways. Georgi has to try to understand just exactly why his wife hates the idea of crossdressing so much that she was physically ill when he told her. :2c:

[Paisley GG]

I got to say as someone who has anxiety issues I would have done it this exact same way.... the stress that you must have been feeling must have been intense, so there would have been a good chance you would have missed saying things you intended....better have what you want to and need say written down.

I think you misunderstand how I presented the letter to her. I took several weeks to compose this letter, then on the morning of July 5th sat next to her as I handed it to her to read so I was there for her to ask questions. I didn't mail her the letter or leave the letter for her to read in my absence. And by the way, the famed how to tell your SO thread proposes just this method of writing it out rather than trying to memorize your spiel and blurt it out from memory.

Give her the time she needs, and take it one step at a time....don't think too far ahead but cover your ass as one person suggested. She needs to figure out how she feels and what she wants for her life. She has this right! Just like you have the right to live your truth. Hope that some how you can both come together and find a way to make it work because there is obviously love there. Seek some counseling as many have already suggested...they can really help with the navigation of this difficult time for both of you.

No matter what....remember this time, as difficult as it is, will pass!

[Georgi]

Georgi has to try to understand just exactly why his wife hates the idea of crossdressing so much that she was physically ill when he told her.

Amen. I tried gently to get her to talk about it when we're in a quiet controlled environment like taking a drive. She has a saying "it's like taking a very fragile christmas ornament out of a box, but it's so fragile I'm afraid to even hold it so I have to put it back away immediately. I can't look at it or even think about it or it might break." So I can get her to talk about what it is about the crossdressing that is so repulsive to her.

So now my last line of defense is the counseling, joint and solo. In joint counseling we should be able to talk to the counselor about goals and what we both think the goals of our counseling ought to be. Then in her private sessions perhaps the counselor can work a little more deeply on whatever her revulsions are. No guarantees, I know, but a plan of action that at least has a chance of some level of success.

Even partial success in counseling could return portions of the marriage to nearly what they were before. I'd like to be able to kiss her on the lips but the best I can do right now is a peck on the cheek.

But I digress. Yes, understanding is key. And vice versa, the more she can learn and come to understand what crossdressing truly is and is not may help as well. Right now I'm now sure how much of the big picture she's managed to absorb. She's ignore my efforts to come to forums like this one, or to read books like "My hunband's a crossdresser". I think she believes I'm trying to put one over on her and subvert her beliefs into making it ok for me to continue life as a crossdressers, and even bring her into it with me.

It's late, I'm going to be typing with my forehead in a minute. Goodnight gentle souls.
Georgi

[Satrana]

If we split up it's going to be because she puls herself out of my grasp.

I am sure everyone wants and expects you to put utmost effort into saving your relationship. There is no need to explain the horrible pain from separating from a long term partner who has been everything for your entire adult life.

Maybe now is not the time for you to consider this but there is something worse than ending the relationship, and that is staying in a relationship where your partner is repulsed by you. If your wife refuses to budge from her current position then what are you hanging onto?

In all likelihood it will take you years to reach a stage where you can examine your relationship realistically. I hope in time your wife will take steps towards some level of acceptance and accommodation so a fair compromise is obtainable. In that case the relationship is worth keeping.

She's ignore my efforts to come to forums like this one, or to read books like "My hunband's a crossdresser". I think she believes I'm trying to put one over on her and subvert her beliefs into making it ok for me to continue life as a crossdressers, and even bring her into it with me.

I would say that is a common reaction and that is going to be your main problem. If she refuses to educate herself because she sees this as a ruse to get her to change her beliefs then you are beating a dead donkey. Even councilors cannot get through to a closed mind who sees conspiracies.

[Miss Misery]

Giorgi,


I'm sorry but this response by your wife is TOO MUCH. I know you say you still love her but her behavior towards you sends a very different message of how she feels about you. IMHO, if your CDing could take her from loving you to whatever it is she feels now (doesn't look nor sound like love to me), she's the one with a problem AND she needs to figure out why she has to get ill at the thought of her husband CDing - OH the drama!

I know you are hurting Giorgi BUT you don't desrve this kind of treatment FROM ANYONE let alone someone who supposedly loved you. Her behavior makes me question where she was really at in the relationship BEFORE you told her. If push comes to shove, I can tell you who won't have trouble finding a new partner and who will likely be alone - You tried to be honest Giorgi. Good luck.

Amen Satrana!! Amen!

[docrobbysherry]

However, if and when u DON'T, and if u live in SoCal, I've got a terrific divorce attorney for u!:brolleyes:

[Nadia-Maria]

In fact, this entire forum is very strongly biased toward the tell-her side of the argument.

Agreed. And many people advocated here that "honesty is always the best policy". I must confess I somewhat doubt so many people saying it so loudly can be 100% honest in their own lives though.

As I said before, I don't blame anyone even though it sounds that way in my posts. I am a big boy and I take responsibility for my actions. I am somewhat bitter over the fact that if I had never discovered this forum I would never have been exposed to the transgendered way of thinking and I would have almost certainly never come out to my wife (never say never).

I empathize with your feeling.
Maybe you lacked a bit confidence about your own intuition and had thought other people knew better.

Now you can be aware you know better than most do.

I am confident you will find the best way to handle your present situation.
But it might take several months to reach a satisfactory state.

[Olivia2]

Giorgi,


I'm sorry but this response by your wife is TOO MUCH. I know you say you still love her but her behavior towards you sends a very different message of how she feels about you. IMHO, if your CDing could take her from loving you to whatever it is she feels now (doesn't look nor sound like love to me), she's the one with a problem AND she needs to figure out why she has to get ill at the thought of her husband CDing - OH the drama!

I know you are hurting Giorgi BUT you don't desrve this kind of treatment FROM ANYONE let alone someone who supposedly loved you. Her behavior makes me question where she was really at in the relationship BEFORE you told her.

I really think that the emotional shock Georgi's wife is feeling after 31 years is just too strong at this point to warrant any questioning of whether she loves him. I had a huge argument with a girlfriend of less than 2 years who felt our relationship had been a "lie" because I had held back some things I had been angry about. She got over it. Maybe Georgi's wife will or won't be at least give it some time. 26 days is a drop in the bucket in the course of a 31 year relationship.

We see our CD'ing as normal and everyday behavior. We don't have to look very hard on the rest of the world to realize how little they still now about it. I'm in a graduate level counseling program and you'd be surprised (or maybe not) how little potential counselors know about transgender issues. So I'm simply saying we have to put ourselves in her shoes to realize how unexpected this was and give her (and both of them) some time to work through this. There is no hurry to suggest an end to this marriage.

However, if and when u DON'T, and if u live in SoCal, I've got a terrific divorce attorney for u!:brolleyes:

Can we have a little sensitivity here?

[Shelly67]

Well , theres one undeniable fact here . Once the dust has settled , things will be so delicate BUT they cannot be swept under the carpet . Pandoras box is well and truely open , and if everything is NOT discussed then it'll remain a silent ugly elephant in the room . If we all can only realise one thing .... disagreements must be approached , even if only to agree to disagree . It's going to be a very difficult time , open conversation will become so intense , so embaressingly painful at times . However , if it's done from the heart with reflection all anguish should dissapear and the last 31 yrs should stand as a foundation of a good marriage .
Its so evident that you must give it time , then approach your wife with what you as a person want . You hid the femanine part of you for so long - surely you realise thats an indication of how it special it is and how natural it is to you . It's as clear as day in other areas too . Just think , if this is not subjected to full and frank discussion it'll return in many ways , perhaps your wife will question your every move ?. Who knows - one things for sure niether of you need the stress thats occurring . It's certainly not an end to your marriage , but simply a time to work at it .
Time to discuss it like an adult .
Its a blunt statement , but the undeniable truth .
So , only you know how your wifes emotional position is right now . only you know when the time is right , but you have to deal with it - you , the clothes the personality - the reasons for hiding away - the lot .
Perhaps then if a joint agreement can be decided , then a way forward be established .
Good luck .

[Terraforming]

Giorgi,


I'm sorry but this response by your wife is TOO MUCH. I know you say you still love her but her behavior towards you sends a very different message of how she feels about you. IMHO, if your CDing could take her from loving you to whatever it is she feels now (doesn't look nor sound like love to me), she's the one with a problem AND she needs to figure out why she has to get ill at the thought of her husband CDing - OH the drama!

I know you are hurting Giorgi BUT you don't desrve this kind of treatment FROM ANYONE let alone someone who supposedly loved you. Her behavior makes me question where she was really at in the relationship BEFORE you told her. If push comes to shove, I can tell you who won't have trouble finding a new partner and who will likely be alone - You tried to be honest Giorgi. Good luck.

Amen Satrana!! Amen!

Experiencing an alternative lifestyle firsthand changes our perspective on such an issue, but for a lot of people it's such a passing thing that society calls deviance in a very negative light. You can't expect such a sudden change from someone who has held that viewpoint for such a long time. Ignorance is a difficult beast to tame, but as someone who has stood by her for 31 years it's perfectly reasonable to give her space to digest this information.

I think you're going the right way with this by seeking a mediator Georgi. Hopefully she will at least be willing to try to see past her revulsion so she can see the kind of sacrifice you are trying to make for her.

One very important thing though. Like others have said, honesty is the best policy. If the urge to dress comes back again and you don't feel like you can suppress it, be honest with yourself that it isn't something that you can just hide and proceed from there. Try to seek the best for yourself as well as the best for your relationship.

[Georgi]

Thank you - Everyone! I've read every word of everybody's posts, some of them more than once and will take your advice and see how it can work for me.

My wife returned from a three-day road trip last night, crawled into bed at 1AM with the perfunctory good night and that was all. We'll see today if she's going to agree to the appointment I have set for her next Tuesday (was Monday but the Dr had to move me to Tuesday). If she will accept that, maybe the road to counseling begins and a two-way dialogue starts. Once we start talking, well, at least we'll be talking. That will be a dramatic improvement over the last month.

I'll more of less end this thread here unless someone comes up with radically new thoughts. I know this thread had been emotionally draining on me just reliving the last month in detail, and maybe on some of you. Maybe in a few weeks or a month or two if things change one way or the other between us I will have some new insights to share.

Cheers,
Georgi

[AKAMichelle]

I wish the best for you. I know how hard it is to tell and survive it after a long marriage.

I am a very loud member of the "TELL HER" group. As part of that group, I try to get people to see what happens when you don't tell and finally wait until years later to share the secret which you should have told her earlier. Now granted 26 years ago when I got married, I thought it would all go away. I mistakenly thought it had gone away because I was so madly in love. The reality is that it gets buried but it does come back. Hiding and denying it isn't the answer. I don't know exactly what the answer is since it depends upon the 2 people involved so much.

I am also a loud member of the group telling you to quit living a lie. That one is a lot tricker. Many of us have found a way to deal with things in our marriage and be happy. But there is this part of us which we find necessary to indulge. Eventually the SO will find the clothes or something else which gives her a hint as what you are doing. It is too late to come clean at that time. Your busted. I believe that the cd'er should control how the story is told. You decided on the best solution for you and it had a terrrible consequence. I have never heard of a wife throwing up after finding out you are TG. All I say is that must have been one hell of a letter.

I personally don't think that all is lost in your case. I do remember a saying that I had in my annual as a senior. "A man's mind stretched by a new idea will never go back to its original dimensions." I don't know who said it but it is as relevant in my life and it is in yours. Your marriage has changed forever. It will never be the same. Trying to take your marriage back to what it was is wrong. You should be trying to improve your marriage. Your marriage like a lot of others was built on lies and deception. Now you should find a way to get through to her and rebuild the marriage better than it ever was. You have a good foundation since you both love each other, hopeful both of you can find a way to rebuild it. This time maybe with greater understanding.

The last point that I want to make is that telling a SO doesn't work immediately all of the time. Sometimes even with the accepting SO's it takes a long time before acceptance is even possible. The question that you should ask yourself is "Would you feel differently about telling her if in 1 year from now she accepted you and your marriage was better than before?" I think the answer is "YES". Yes we screw up telling them because their are a lot of different methods and we can choose only one. There are no mulligans in telling a SO so it is what it is. I hope that you will find a way to rebuild the marriage better than it was before. You are doing what you can. Love is your best tool so use it and let her know how much you love her.

Good Luck to you.

P.S. Yes after telling my wife things didn't work out, but I have no regrets. Our marriage was already done for. Cd'ing just finished it off. I tried to use the telling about my cd'ing as a way to rekindle the love by her understanding what I was going through. It didn't work. But if I had told her early in our relationship things would have been a lot different.

[Miss Misery]

I know Giorgi has ended his participation in this thread but I want to point some things out using his situation.

Can we have a little sensitivity here?

Not seeing much sensitivity from Giorgi's wife, are we? Oh, I know. She's so shocked, hurt or what have you BUT that doesn't excuse her treatment of Giorgi. She can be hurt etc without treating him like crap. THAT is what could destroy the relationship - I know, give her time .... but this kind of dailly shunning will impact their realtionship even if they do resolve things. I think her distancing from Giorgi is her trying out being without him (sorry to say).

we have to put ourselves in her shoes to realize how unexpected this was

I make the case that if this is such a shock and unexpected, then she must have felt their marriage was fine until he told her he was a CD. But he was CDing all the time that she, up until now, felt their marriage was doing well - all that has changed is she knows something she didn't know before. And that's enough to wreck the marriage that was doing well? Very weak.

Also, the deviance argument is antiquated at best. 30 years ago, that might fly but there's CD/TS/TG stuff depicted in films/TV/ - everywhere. It's hard to not have been at least exposed. Sure, society at large doesn't know what to make of it but it is gaining more mainstream acceptance.

honesty is the best policy

Don't start this stuff again. Isn't this whole thread about how this blew up in Giorgi's face? Others in the closet on here need to recognize that there is inherent risk in the "best policy".

[TonyaV]

Good luck Georgi - you're in our prayer.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Feel your pain Hon...been there and got the freakin T-shirt as well...

went though all of the above even to moving out and to Florida last summer about a year ago....

In time it worked out to where the dressing is fully supported and we've even started a business geared to us girls so the wife is fine with it...now if I can just get her to put back my make up when she uses my things would be great!!! She's also always grabbing my accessories..earrings etc...

Give it time go at her pace not yours and fingers crossed and see where it all goes....so work it out and some don't...that's just the way it works out....

Stephanie

[Miss Misery]

Michelle,

I'll give you credit for your stance on the "when to tell" policy since you tried it and it failed AND you still advocate it. But how can you possibly know this:

Yes after telling my wife things didn't work out......But if I had told her early in our relationship things would have been a lot different.

Do you mean things "could have been different" or are you insinuating that she would have accepted you and your CDing thus saving your marriage, if only you'd told her sooner? That's unknowable and, I believe, highly unlikely.

Is this part of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy? (For those not in the states, that's the US version of allowing gays in the military - we've got some real geniuses at the helm, don't we.)

[AKAMichelle]

Michelle,

I'll give you credit for your stance on the "when to tell" policy since you tried it and it failed AND you still advocate it. But how can you possibly know this:



Do you mean things "could have been different" or are you insinuating that she would have accepted you and your CDing thus saving your marriage, if only you'd told her sooner? That's unknowable and, I believe, highly unlikely.

Is this part of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy? (For those not in the states, that's the US version of allowing gays in the military - we've got some real geniuses at the helm, don't we.)

I think the answer would be that if she still didn't accept then we probably wouldn't have married. I have no regrets for my shortcomings because now I have 3 wonderful boys by her. But I expect a woman to accept me at least to a certain degree before I remarry one day. I made a mistake by not telling her before marriage but I didn't know the truth about cd'ing. I thought everyone like that transitioned. Plus it was sexual early in my life, so I had ever reason to believe that I could beat it. Since I had no desire at that time to transition. Being in my early 20's, high sex drive and a gorgeous GF was too much. When I married I had no desire at all to crossdress but that changed about one year later.

I don't think it is a mistake to tell your wife regardless of how long you have hid it from her. She has a right to know the truth. Besides if you live a lie all of your life, what did you miss by not being truthful with her. What is she going to think when she finds your stash after you die? She is going to think that she never knew you at all destroying much of what you had together. Memories are all that is important in life regarding the love ones you leave behind. Why taint the memories by them finding out about you after your gone with no explanation. The explanation that they figure out will be whatever they can understand about it. That explanation could be far worse than the truth but she will never know the truth because you failed to tell her.

I think the best policy is to tell early in the relationship before everyone would feel trapped finding out about cd'ing. But I figured out all of this too late for my marriage. To put my marriage in perspective, even without cd'ing I would still be heading into a divorce. There were too many things wrong and we had grown apart and were growing in opposite directions. So cd'ing didn't destroy my marriage. I tried to use it to save a failing marriage which didn't work.