A jealousy question for CDers.

[Kaz]

Of course it all depends on the relationship you have with your wife and what your joint and independent intentions are. It is a little like the "prisoner's deilemma" paradox that is often taught in ethics classes.

My ethics?... it would be a straight no. My wife is way too more important. Would I see the other individually is a different question. I am naturally curious and probably would... but with some very strict personal rules of engagement. There is only one SO I want in my life... and I do not want to lose her unless she wants to lose me..

[carhill2mn]

The short answer is NO! There is little to gain and much to lose!

[Christine1971]

I would have to say I would put my wifes feelings first because I wouldn't want to hurt her or give her cause to think there was more to it than just friendship, I've been there and it was me that was saying they want more and I was right.

[charlie]

Wow, to have an accepting wife! I would never make her intentionally upset just to see someone that I find interesting. Jealously can be a formidable enemy. Why bring discord to your house if you don't have to?

[VanessaVW]

I'm wondering if this question is from experience..... anyway, NO WAY!!!! My SO has very specific rules in our relationship anyway, so I probably wouldn't even be in this bar to begin with.

[Gaby2]

Golly gosh, that's a really difficult story. I can't offer any advice, just that I hope everything turns out for the best.

There seems to be universal condemnation of the "interfering" GG and the bf's fickleness.
But what if the liason described in the OP developes into a full and trusting relationship?
It might do. Should it not be allowed the chance?
It might be just a case of tough luck for the present SO/gf.
Is that bad?

I suppose I'll say a prayer for everybody involved. Gaby

[Shananigans]

The title said CDs, but I just couldn't help myself. I feel like everyone has seen this situation or been in it.

If I were the husband, then no.

If my husband/boyfriend did this to me though (I'm guessing you are speaking from experience), I'd find myself a very attractive male friend to have lunch with or go to dinner with and see how much he likes it. But, I'm a vindictive little b*tch, truth be told.

[James Kaon]

Drop it does sound like the most logical and less hurtful option. Guess u just need to recognise what you have right now and what you may lose... Yea sounds fun with the GG, and if the SO is not for you then you should be honest about it. I dont subscribe to staying with someone just because they accept u and love u. Love is 2 way thing and if u dont feel it, then thats that. But make no mistake, you are flirting with something else other than your current relationship - even if it all comes across as just a friendship with this GG, it does sound like you are enjoying the attention. IMHO... Personally, I would look at what u have, what you want and what could be... If I was in love with someone and same situation came up for me, I would drop it. Even if i didnt want to.

[ReineD]

I do want to set the record straight on a few points:

To mistrust someone from a photograph rings of insecurity. It means she sees her as a threat, with no info other than her looks. This is going to taint all her-related thoughts from then on.

No, the mistrust comes from a lot more than having seen the GG's pic. The girlfriend (previously referred to as the wife) has met this GG, has read countless of her blogs, and has also read the comments addressed specifically to the boyfriend. It is a case of having received bad juju (as Babeba so aptly put it) from this particular GG. The mistrust does not extend to other women that the boyfriend knows.

There are also real, unresolved issues in the relationship that are giving rise to the depth of the girlfriends's insecurities, but which I am not free to divulge.

I know first-hand how terrible it feels to have a spouse who isn't faithful, one of the worst things I've ever experienced,

So, the wife doesn't trust him.

There is no question of physical unfaithfulness. The girlfriend knows that the boyfriend would not have sex with this GG without breaking it off with the girlfriend first.

[kimdl93]

So in this relationship, knowing that there are unresolved issues, the boyfriend (whether he is a CD or not) really would be ill advised to add to his gf's insecurities by maintaining any kind of relationship with the other woman.

[LIKETODRESS2]

THis might be hard to understand . WHAT THE ### NO NO NON

[Julogden]

Regardless of the modifications and qualifications since the original posting, the bottom line, for me, would be to honor my GF's/wife's wishes and stay away from the potential new friend.

Carol

[Pink Person]

Some relationships are doomed to failure for lots of reasons. The situation described in the original post is too mysterious to me, but the prospects don't seem good either way. The boyfriend seems kind of selfish and insensitive. The girlfriend seems kind of selfish and insecure. What is the best outcome for both of them? I don't have the slightest idea. Perhaps they should bring a neutral third party with them to the lunch to monitor the situation from all sides. Is there someone they both trust who could join them? In any case, no one should have lunch with Seanmuscle. He sounds like a homewrecker in every direction (just kidding).

[BLUE ORCHID]

Never Never Ever let the little head do the think for the big head!!!

Orchid

[Amy Lynn3]

Standing on the outside looking in and with limited information this does not sound like a healthy relationship to begin with. To start, if their is an unhealthy relationship the wishes/desires/feelings and request of the SO will not be put first. My guess would be the gf has done something to destroy the love the bf at one time had for her. At this point he has been hurt enough and her feelings are not a priority to him.

P.S. The gf must figure out what she did to make her bf feel like he is an option, rather than a priority and fix it. If she can't, I am afraid she will continue to be treated like an option herself and not a priority.

[Babeba]

I admit, Reine has us wondering and worrying if this is about her relationship. I sure hope not! And trust she cleared this up and is simply making a fictional couple to provoke thought and sincere meaningful opinions.

Quite often some of us other, less experienced GGs will PM one of the GG mods - Reine, Di, Sandra, etc. to ask them to raise questions on our behalf which we would like to know the answers to but not necessarily want to be seen as the source of. There are a lot of GGs at different levels of acceptance who might want advice without having it feel too personal, or like others might judge us (or our partners); it's really nice of these ladies to perform this service for us.

I'm not sure that you GMs of all ilks are aware of this, but each and every GG who reaches out to the FAB forum has personal contact with one of the mods or another of the dedicated gals who volunteer their time for this, so that we've got a sympathetic and friendly ear to pour our anxieties into and be able to confront some of our worst fears with the people who have gone through it all already. I am continually overawed at what these ladies do to help the other GGs who they come into contact with, and just how much support - in so many ways - gets passed around. Perhaps it's simply that this other side of the board is so large that it's hard to feel that small sense of cohesiveness, but I really feel like it's the most supportive part of this whole forum - for my needs, at least. So consider this thread part of the tip of that iceberg.

[Leslie Langford]

"I'm not sure that you GMs of all ilks are aware of this, but each and every GG who reaches out to the FAB forum has personal contact with one of the mods or another of the dedicated gals who volunteer their time for this, so that we've got a sympathetic and friendly ear to pour our anxieties into and be able to confront some of our worst fears with the people who have gone through it all already. I am continually overawed at what these ladies do to help the other GGs who they come into contact with, and just how much support - in so many ways - gets passed around. Perhaps it's simply that this other side of the board is so large that it's hard to feel that small sense of cohesiveness, but I really feel like it's the most supportive part of this whole forum - for my needs, at least. So consider this thread part of the tip of that iceberg."

That's a very interesting tidbit of information, Babeba, and likely more insightful than even you realize in getting to the root of what fundamentally distinguishes the average CD from a GG, even if he deludes himself into believing that being a CD gives him some sort of inside track into the way women think and the way their brains operate. Transsexuals - maybe; CD's - not so much. We are still males deep down inside despite our love of heels, pantyhose, bras, dresses, skirts and all things feminine etc., and the well-known Mars/Venus truisms apply to us as well.

I doubt very much that many genetic males would undertake the same type of intimate, soul-baring, supportive, and protective aapproach to establishing and nurturing relationships with their peers that you have described as existing between the GG SO's here and the female mods.

[sometimes_miss]

Knowing what I do now, that even a so-called CD tolerant wife can quickly turn antagonistic, file for divorce and blackmail one for everything she can, it would really depend on the wife's attitude toward my crossdressing. If she were one of those 'don't do it around me or talk to me about it' women, then yes, I'd continue to see the other GG and just tell the wife that I really need someone in my life who can really like me and accept me for who I am. Since my last 'CD friendly' female friend left my life many years ago (no, she wasn't a potential partner, she was gay and left the area when her girlfriend got her green card and came to the U.S.), I really haven't had any friends that know I crossdress, and feel my social life is quite, well, gone entirely because I don't know anyone I feel I can trust with that information. A girlfriend, a wife is important; but for most crossdressing men, well, we need female friends as well, because when we lose our SO, the lack of having anyone else for emotional support is just devastating.
Edit:
I also decided to add this; Yes, jealousy is the problem of the one who is jealous. Either they know their partner, or they don't; and if their partner has been faithful to them, and they are supportive of their partner, then they should have no reason to be jealous. OTOH, if they are not supportive of their partner, then THEY are in the wrong, and THEY are the ones who need counseling.
I keep reading over and over about what horrible creatures we CD'ers are, how horrible it was that we didn't tell our SO about our crossdressing 'up front'. Well, women keep secrets from men as well, and feel justified that we should still love and accept them. So, why should we bend over backwards and kiss our SO's butts so they might tolerate what we wear? What BS. But with rare instance, we ARE the same wonderful person they fell in love with, and just as women feel the right to change their moods and retain the right to 'lean on' their male partner whenever they want, we should have those same rights. Women insist that their man be strong, not complain, take care of and protect them, and we are to accept that, and never ask for it in return? Baloney. Give what you get. You want the right to take on every role, profession, and want to be free to join any private institution men are able to? Then you have to give up your own to us as well. Fair is fair.

[victoriamwilliams1]

My answer is NO! If your wife detects something I would agree with her.

[docrobbysherry]

But, this thread PROVES you've NO IDEA what it's like being married to a GG!

I WAS! She became jealous if I looked SIDEWAYS at another female!:Angry3:

Now, you're saying I'm going to ask her to go WITH ME to meet another GG?

And, I thot MY fantasies were way out there!

[TxKimberly]

Well, my most candid thought is "What, are you nuts?!"

"And last, you feel the jealousy is your wife's problem and not yours" - This is self contradicting. In any marriage even approaching "healthy" if it is a problem for your wife, it IS by definition a problem for you.
Why would someone continue to push down that road when the wife repeatedly made it clear that it made her intensely uncomfortable?
You can argue all day long abut whether the wife's feelings and attitude were reasonable or not, but that's entirely beside the point. It hurt her and thats what matters.

[Debglam]

Well, my most candid thought is "What, are you nuts?!"

"And last, you feel the jealousy is your wife's problem and not yours" - This is self contradicting. In any marriage even approaching "healthy" if it is a problem for your wife, it IS by definition a problem for you.
Why would someone continue to push down that road when the wife repeatedly made it clear that it made her intensely uncomfortable?
You can argue all day long abut whether the wife's feelings and attitude were reasonable or not, but that's entirely beside the point. It hurt her and thats what matters.

A lot has been said on this thread but THIS sums it up. Thanks Kim!

[seanmuscle]

No. You still do not understand. you guys never made an actual section for it because you fear it will expose the truth. So basically all the responses are shoved in that one thread which you hope will just die. Even you admit the fantasies... A straight CD would not have such fantasies. Your husband would never tell you such things because some men feel shameful.

[ReineD]

If Sean wants to believe in his own fantasies, just let him. Everyone else here knows better. We don't need to feed the trolls and take the thread off topic.

[AmandaM]

When someone keeps looking outside their relationship for emotional, sexual, or whatever fulfillment, there's a problem.

A big problem if you ask me.