I would never put this above someone I loved.
I would never put this above someone I loved.
Samantha,
That is good to know. I don't think anything should come before someone we love no matter what it is.
My wife is a worrier. She always has an eye on the worst case scenario. I can be a bit of a nervous nelly myself about some things, but between the two of us, I am the one who is more often in favor of throwing caution to the wind. My job is to get her to step out of her comfort zone on occasion, and her job is to keep me from being stupid. That's our dynamic. So I have to pay attention to her comfort level, but I don't have to roll over for it. If she's at DEFCON 5 or 4, that's pretty normal. Full speed ahead. At DEFCON 3, we're negotiating, and I will have to make serious adjustments to my plans. At DEFCON 2 or 1, I don't even try it.Originally Posted by WsprsOnTheWind
Example: I've gotten very brave lately about rocking my painted toenails in public. I'm out and about in flip-flops & sparkly nail polish quite a bit, and she hasn't said a word against it. The other day, though, we had a function to go to with our son. I had thought earlier about whether to put on shoes, or just wear my flip-flops. I went back and forth on it a little, had a moment of rebelliousness where I thought to hell with those people, and then kind of put it on the backburner. I was doing something right up to the time we needed to leave, so I had to rush a little to get ready. When I went to grab my shoes, it was easier to just go ahead with flip-flops, so I did. When I got into the car, she saw the toes, and said, "You're not wearing shoes?? YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE LIKE THAT!!" I was taken aback by her reaction, since she hadn't said anything before. We were already running late. I asked if she wanted me to go change shoes, and she said, "No, I'll just take him by myself." I hadn't really wanted to go in the first place, but I knew it was a bad idea to make her go alone, so I hesitated. She said, "It's okay. Don't worry about it." So I got out, and they left. I went straight inside, put on shoes, and hopped in my van to follow them. I called her on the way and told her I'd be there right behind her. She said that she was afraid she'd upset me by being so abrubt. I told her that I did feel a little like a puppy that had been hit with a rolled up newspaper, but I acknowledged that she was right: Our son shouldn't have to deal with his peers making fun of him about his daddy's toenails. She said it wasn't necessary for me to go to the function, but I knew that it pleased her that I wasn't going to saddle her with doing that alone. Situation diffused.
I'm not sure if this answers that question, but if I thought that she considered me ridiculous, ugly, or bizarre, my desire to dress would shrivel. I need something more than grudging tolerance in order to feel good about what I do. Bottom line: For me, dressing is optional, but being married to her isn't.What if she refused to participate at all but did not hold you back or expect you to stop as long as you didn't include her? Would the fact that she loved you and accepted you be enough or do you feel you have to find that person who can fill all of your needs as a CD to be content?
When my unsuportive ex left me, (mainly for finachial reasons) I vowed as soon as I was ready to get back on the perverbial horse that I would be open and honest about this side of me from the start, before any emotional investment. The day I hooked up with my Polar Bear, I was playing Sarah Palin for Holoween. (Doesn't get more open than that) And when my PB goes home to be with Jesus, (bad heart for starters) I will again, be open from the start. I think I have proven honesty saves a lot of time and trouble
Sophie, your account of the flip flops was a good example of how we all should try to please our SO's. Thanks for sharing that story. No wonder I like you so much friend! I especially like your last sentence. Sad to think that many think the marriage ios an option and the dressing is not.
Every now and again my Lovely Wife,will suggest something new that we could do together (the latest being en femme day on our upcoming holiday) sometimes I feel she has more courage than me,she even has sugested I become more visual near home (gulp!)
Sorry if this seems cliched but she is my Rock,her understanding and acceptance of Sophie overwhelms me,I feel together we are as strong as can be,we have her Illness to contend with atm but even that just makes us together all the stronger.I am so very lucky to have her in my life.If I started to take her for granted,and go off and do my own thing without a thought for her,then I would be throwing away the best person,the greatest part of my life,and that doesn't bear thinking about
Sophie
We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire
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A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a roseFacebook:Sophie Johnson
For me, dressing is optional, but being married to her isn't.
Sophie86, that pretty much says it all for me. Now THERE is a true fairytale love story. This line gives me so much hope. When everyone in any relationship looks at their partner and says the rest of the world is an option but our relationship is not then we will have lasting relationships.
You cannot know how much seeing you post that one line means to me.
My needs as a CD are my needs as a person. I wear women's clothing on a multiple times a week basis, as my regular clothes. So for me, a partner who had a "as long as you don't include me" rule would actually be holding me back, but more importantly, would not be very happy with me as a partner, I don't think.
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~Riley
Check out my trans themed standup on YouTube!
My Tumblr Blog
What if your partner was into painting, sewing, biking or some interest that you weren't into? Wouldn't you still encourage her to participate in it? If your SO wasn't in the picture you will still be a CD so how could her not participating hold you back. The only way I can see you being held back is if she was telling you to totally stop doing it period.
Here's the difference, I CD in my day to day life. Painting/sewing/biking are all things one specifically sets aside time to do. There are some people on this board for whom CDing is like that as well, and that's how I was before I came out. But now, I'm out, I'm openly a CD. While I do still wear men's clothes, I do it interchangeably with women's clothes. Aside from when I'm at work at my day-job and have to dress according to my store's dress codes, I spend a good chunk of my life wearing skirts and tights and makeup and such. That's just how I dress now. See my avatar? That's a picture of me doing stand up comedy, my career, in a dress.
So, a SO who refused to be involved with my crossdressing would either want to not be around me for the majority of my free time, or want me to put myself at least partially back in the closet so to speak. Neither option sounds like the makings of a very healthy relationship, for her or me.
It'd be like if I met a girl who was really into her tattoos and showing them off, and I said "Well I'm fully supportive of your tattoos and your need to get more of them and show them to people, but please, don't ask me to be involved when you do."
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~Riley
Check out my trans themed standup on YouTube!
My Tumblr Blog
I agree, and I want to add that when I say that that dressing is optional, I mean it's optional for me. I know that I've gone for long periods without having any desire to dress at all, and I'm sure I could get my head back into that place if I needed to. I know it's different for other folks, though, and I don't think they are wrong for saying, as JToR does, that crossdressing must be a part of their lives.
I don't think it's wrong for anyone to say that either however you cannot hold it against anyone who wouldn't want to be that wrapped up in someone else's lifestyle if they didn't want to participate in it 24/7. I know as a GG I certainly didn't want it all the time and it was shoved at me to the degree that I was turned against it. I'm sure there are those that wouldn't be opposed to it but even I don't want to participate in all things 24/7.
As Sophie, said dressing for her is an option and that would be the same for the GG's participation level. It would be an option.
Paramount! If she doesn't like me, she will not want to be my partner and vice versa. Guess it would be different if some how she met my boy side first but that would be un likely.
Also, if she was your spouse for many years and you had kept your dressing secret and told her and she felt she wanted no part of it then you would have to be willing to live with the loss if she didn't want to fully participate.
I wouldn't hold it against them but I also wouldn't consider them an ideal SO. however, saying "not 24/7" isn't the same as you originally asked. The most recent girl I dated told me she was fine with me dressing in skirts when we were hanging out, going out on dates, and all that, but if I was meeting her near her work she asked me if I'd wear pants and no makeup because while she was fine with it, she knew her boss and coworkers wouldn't be. I was totally sympathetic to that and obliged her.
But that's a very different thing than saying she never wanted to be involved. Such a person and I wouldn't be a good match.
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~Riley
Check out my trans themed standup on YouTube!
My Tumblr Blog
That is why I feel it is so important to let your potential SO know early on so that you can both be fair to each other and move on if it's not going to be the right thing.
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