Found Out Yesterday, Please Help Me Understand.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Inshock,

I, for one, am not gonna write a short novel in response to your plea for help and understanding. Others have done this before and you have gotten a LOT of info about crossdressers.

I am gonna say, however, that the issues that you raised, crossdressing and BDSM, are really not that important. Many. many couples have long and happy marriages that involve one or both of these hobbies. But either of those "hobbies" are hard to engage in alone. If you are definitely NOT on board, you will have a rocky relationship.

BUT I think the really important problem is that he LIED to you. And would STILL be lying to you if you had not found him out. How do you feel about that? If he lied to you once, it's a pretty sure bet that he will lie to you again.

Personally, the lying would be a deal breaker for me. The crossdressing? Maybe, maybe not. The BDSM? Another deal breaker for me.Those decision are up to you. But be aware, crossdressing and BDSM (which go hand in hand for many), do not need to mean the end of the relationship. The lie? Another story altogether.

Stephenie

[Alberta_Pat]

BUT I think the really important problem is that he LIED to you. And would STILL be lying to you if you had not found him out. How do you feel about that? If he lied to you once, it's a pretty sure bet that he will lie to you again.

Stephenie, I have to remind you that this couple has been a couple for just over 3 months. Even with 24/7 discussion, there are many things that have not been brought to the forefront yet. To call this a "lie" is just not right.

I am sure that the OP has many details in her life that she has not yet mentioned, even in passing. Many that could be deal breakers for her B/F if he knew.

We all attach different values of importance to the things in our lives. We all have stages that we go through, and times when it is "right" to divulge.

Perhaps this relationship has not yet reached the point where this disclosure was ready to come out.

Only with the fictional "Vulcan Mind Meld" could a couple share everything in an extremely short time.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Yeah... What they said!! Most of us lie or don't tell for fear of loosing people we love and being labeled a pervert... He should have told you from the beginning.. We all should have but we don't. From your "vomit" response I'd say it would be easier if you just kicked him to the curb and moved on with your life. Usually people who are repulsed don't make a 180 degree turn around. And you will never in your minds eye be able to fully trust him so I'd pull the plug... But that's just me....

I have to agree with Karren. While it is admirable that you think enough of for BF to go on the web to get an idea of what this cross dressing "thing" is all about and to come here with your question, I'm afraid that because of your initial reaction things are not going to work out. Getting physically ill is a pretty strong reaction...

[HayleyGG]

Wow. Thank you ladies SO much for all your thoughtful responses. I can't believe the support and great advice everyone has given me. It's taken me about an hour to read everything..haha.

I honestly feel better now that I've heard from all of you. I'm still in the initial shock phase, and I'm still not thrilled about my boyfriend dressing, but I really just need to talk to him and see how he'd like to proceed. However, he's seemingly not speaking to me right now. Basically, we had "the talk," I was really upset and I knew the night would continue to be awkward and that we both needed space to mull things over, so I left and drove home. He immediately sent me a text and apologized for me finding out how I did and said he never wanted to hurt me. He was very understanding and apologetic. However, several hours later he seemingly started questioning our relationship and compatibility. He said that I don't deserve to be with someone who is deceitful, and he doesn't deserve to be with someone who expects full disclosure and honesty about every part of his life because it's too soon for him.

I'm not sure why his complete understanding and apologies turned into questioning being with me. It might be some kind of defense because of his shame and guilt so he doesn't feel as vulnerable if he starts suggesting that maybe we just aren't meant to be. I'm not sure, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose him. We text frequently, and I told him last night that I was still pretty shaken up, but that I made a small list of things I'd like to talk to him about over the phone as opposed to texting, and he told me he didn't want to talk about "it" that night, and that he plain just didn't want to talk. This was about 6pm, so I wrote back and said, "I don't think there's anything that's happened that needs to be someone's fault. Neither of us have done anything wrong, but I'm sorry that you're hurting. I care about you and I don't want you in pain. I know you do, but please don't feel ashamed, embarrassed or like a "freak." I'm VERY sorry if my reaction perpetuated those feelings because I would never want to make you feel like that. You're an amazing man with a lot to offer..and I still want you as you are. I don't know if you don't want to talk about this or to me at all...but I'm dropping this for now. I wish there was something we could do for each other right now, but all we can do is be understanding. So, I'll leave you alone for now unless you'd like to carry on a normal conversation about something else. Just try to remember that from what I've read, you're more normal than you think right now," and he never wrote back. I knew he probably needed some space, so I didn't push him. A few hours later, I just sent a simple text saying I love you, and he wrote back saying he loves me, too. Now I haven't heard from him all day.

I know he must be mortified right now, and I hate that he's feeling that way. I want to give him space, but I also want him to know that I accept him, I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

[Kaitlyn26]

It sounds like he's having problems on his end. I've been through a similar situation, and I can say for sure that she was not nearly as understanding as you. I think that you found that out too soon for his taste, and now he's worried. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about it, because this is super early in a relationship for things like this.

If it were me, I'd allow him some time to think over his emotions, as you have been thinking over yours. He may be ashamed of himself, depressed, worried. All of the things that you may be feeling.

[avery.j]

'Sensitive' is not usually something men are expected to be. Your boyfriend is perhaps as shaken up as you are. If he says that he did not want you to learn about his crossdressing in this manner it is nearly certain that he meant it. He probably needs a little time to handle his emotions. He will be as afraid to lose you as you are to lose him. And unlike you, I can bet, he wouldn't be seeking help from anywhere as to how to handle it.
Once, you drove away, now turn around and drive back. How about another text message saying that you love him and you need him and that nothing has changed between the two of you?

[Dawn cd]

I just want to take exception to what Stephanie S told you. Your boyfriend did NOT "lie" to you, he just didn't tell you the whole truth about himself. Many of us hold back things with friends we're just getting to know. Most likely, you haven't told him everything about yourself, either. So, on top of everything else, don't accuse him of lying or trying to deceive you. Deep friendship takes time.

[Holly]

First of all, hi Hayley and to the forum. I hope you find the information you need here. As you can see from the number of posts I have made, I've been around here for awhile. I'm married (almost 43 years) and have been cross dressing since my pre-teen years. But what drives me and the thousands of other TG persons on this board and what drives your BF to participate in this are more than likely two very different things. As mentioned by other posters, the reasons behind cross dressing range from fetish dressing to attempting to resolve a discord between the brain and the body and an infinite number of variations in between. The only accurate way for you to know what drives your BF's dressing is to ask him. But be prepared as he may not yet fully understand himself. In most cases, "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable and honest answer. Being any shade of trans-gender is difficult and sorting it all out is hard in light of the fact that our society conditions it's citizens that certain behaviors are acceptable and others are not. It can take some time in serious introspection to arrive at some conclusions. I was well into my 50's.

Some advice to you... own your feelings. Why shouldn't you? They are yours. But at the same time, educate yourself. For a long time, we thought that the world was flat only to find out we were wrong. Please allow me to give you one thought to help you along your way. Do you think you could be the victim of social conditioning I mentioned above? Specifically, what make a man a suitable mate? Is it really all about his hairy chest, muscles, and innate ability to fix everything. What is it that makes it unacceptable for a man to be empathetic or tender or nurturing or to celebrate color and texture? What's so wrong with a guy having first-hand knowledge of what you go through to look nice? Shouldn't a couple be more concerned about where they want to be in 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now? Is there a God and, if so, how should we respond? What values do we share and do we want to instill those in children? All I'm trying to suggest is that the possibility exists that there are far more pressing issues than CDing in relationships. And once educated, you may even be able to embrace the benefit of having someone around who is better in tune to your thinking and understanding of your struggles.

I wish you a very happy and fulfilling future.

[ReineD]

I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

Give it a few days, and then text him to say, "Why don't we (whatever it is you usually do) tonight? We won't talk about the CDing if you don't want to. I miss you and I just want to see you."

And then let things take their course. If he doesn't say anything, don't bring it up. Put the whole thing out of your mind for now and just enjoy each other like you used to. There will be plenty of time to sort through this in the future. The importance now is to reestablish your relationship. If after 3 weeks he still hasn't brought it up, come back here and post the latest and you'll get the next slew of advice as to how to best proceed.

:bh:

[Eryn]

...I know he must be mortified right now, and I hate that he's feeling that way. I want to give him space, but I also want him to know that I accept him, I feel a little better now that I've heard all your stories and advice, I'm no longer angry about him hiding this from me because I fully understand his dilemma and I forgive him, and that I still want to be with him....but I don't want to harrass him and invade his space. So, I don't know what to do. I hate that he's feeling however he's feeling. I love him. Advice?

Keep loving him! Wait for his attack of the "strong silent type syndrome" to abate and then sit down for a heart-to-heart Be sure to tell him what you are feeling. You are just as important a part of this relationship as he is. Open up a bit and let him know your own apprehensions. He's likely to do the same. You might be surprised that some of your BF's fears are over things that you might consider trivial. The reverse might also be true.

Keep us informed of how it's going!

Hugs, Eryn

[mary simpson]

hayley i added u on yahoo,i am hear if u need some 1 to listen,girls like u r 1 in a million

[docrobbysherry]

Hayley, please remember that MANY of us suffer from guilt, regret, self doubt, and lack of self acceptance because of what we do! These r ALL issues we must deal with on our own or with professional help!

What u and your BF have done is; squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube and it's NEVER going to be the same between u 2 again! U must both move on. Either together or separately. And, that's NEVER one person's choice, unfortunately! I feel your pain, (both of yours!), and hope it passes quickly!

[Terry V]

I have been a crossdressers all of my life and when I was young I thought there was something very wrong with me and was ashamed and would have wanted to die if anyone found out my dirty little secret but then someone in my life, very important to me, did find out and did not make me feel like a freak and helped me in her way to get over my fears, I have never come out to everyone in my life but told my wife after 30 years of marriage and at first she was more than a little pissed off at me for hiding this part of me for so long and would not discuss it for a few years after she knew but one day she gave me a present and when I opened it it was a bra, panties and a nightgown and she said that if that was something I wanted to do she would try to get used to it if she could the hardest thing I had to do was to put those things on and come out of the bedroom to show her the other part of me, she didn't laugh she didn't cry she looked me over and said it might take time but she tought she could get used to it and after a few years she now buys me things that I would only have dreamt about but never have gotten for myself, today we are still very happy in both of my worlds and sometimes at odd moments she will ask me to dress for her and tell me what she wants to see me in or lay out what she wants and ask me to put these things on. so what started out as something that was a not what I wanted to be has now turned into a part of my life that I and my wife love.
I don't know if this helps but it took a while for my wife to accept my thing but in the end (corny) love conqures all,

[suchacutie]

Hi, welcome, and I'm so very sorry this is hitting both of you so hard and so suddenly. Please know that being in shock when a revelation about transgenderism hits is completely normal, even in the best of circumstances!!! My wife and I discovered Tina a few years ago, after 34 years of marriage. Suddenly one morning, as a joke actually, I was partially crossdressed...for her! It was amazing! We were both shocked and our actions shocked us even more. It felt completely natural (and I hate to "dress up" in male mode!), and then she said that we needed to buy me a dress! Who the heck were we, anyway???

But the situation we avoided is the one you now find yourselves in. You are scare, shocked, frustrated, and scared! He is scared, shocked, frustrated, and scared! His secret is public. You have a secret you can't share. He is feeling incredibly vulnerable. You are feeling completely alone. Both of you are feeling guilty in so many ways.

Some have said to give him space. I'm not sure I can agree. Only you know him. Only you can make the decision about how he will react if you just "show up" at his residence.

Some have said to move on. I can't agree about that one either. My wife and I were very happily married when Tina arrived. We immediately went to work trying to find out who Tina was, and the conversations my wife and I had were amazing!!! We opened up avenues of communication we didn't know existed. This took incredible trust on both our parts, but the rewards were/are fantastic!

I'm very sure that he will feel immensely better when he realizes he has a potential partner to share and nourish his "secret". You both need support, and the best support you can have is each other.

If it doesn't work out, then you've given it your all. If it does work out, it could be a lifetime of incredible connection and an openness in your relationship few people have in this life. If you think he can take it, seek him out...take charge a bit, nicely, but firmly. Let him tell you how he feels presenting as a woman, how he would like to feel, and where he might think his transgenderism will take him, and then you can tell him how you might find interest in this part of him/her.

Best wishes, and please stay in touch with all of us.

tina

[Eryn]

BTW Hayley, it might be a good idea to share this forum with your BF. It sounds like he might find the forum helpful. Remember that many CDers don't really understand their own feelings very well and have many of the same fears and anxiety that you have been feeling. Reading this forum has been very helpful to me in understanding and accepting myself.

[HayleyGG]

BTW Hayley, it might be a good idea to share this forum with your BF. It sounds like he might find the forum helpful. Remember that many CDers don't really understand their own feelings very well and have many of the same fears and anxiety that you have been feeling. Reading this forum has been very helpful to me in understanding and accepting myself.

You know...I actually am going to do that...at the risk of pissing him off. A few times when we've had an argument, I've gone to a friend to get a different perspective just to see if he really was right, or if I was justified in my side of the argument. I like to do this sometimes just to make sure that I'm being realistic, and a good partner. If I'm wrong all the time when I think I'm right, I'd love for someone to tell me so I can apologize and make it right. I just need verification to make sure I'm not crazy sometimes. So being as honest as I am, I've told him what I did, and he gets upset that I "have to go to a third person to make sure I'm right." He's an incredibly private person and doesn't even tell his closest friends or coworkers what goes on in his life. So as you can imagine, I'm sure he's mortified that I found out about his CDing. I came to this forum because I needed help. You're all anonymous, you don't know who we are, so I figured it would be ok...but I'm not sure he'll be ok with it. But as I said, you've all really helped me and given me hope, so I'm going to show him this thread, if you don't mind. I hope I don't make him more angry and hurt.

I just want to thank you all again for your amazing responses. You really are a great group of people and I'm so happy that my hours of googling a couple days ago led me to you.

So, many have asked me to keep you informed on what's going on, so here's the latest. Again, I gave him some space last night because I felt he needed it, then sent a random I love you text to make sure he knows that I still do and that I don't want him going through this alone. He said he loves me too, then I didn't hear from him again, no goodnight or anything. All of today went by, still hadn't heard from him...and because of all of you, I'm starting to come to terms with this whole thing, and I'm not angry anymore at him for hiding this from me. So, to further support him and be there for him, I sent a text saying "I now understand why you didn't tell me and I forgive you for it." He asked why I understand, I said I could call and explain because it's faster, but that if he still doesn't want to talk to me, I'll understand..I just wanted him to know those things. I then asked him if he doesn't mind to tell me what he's feeling. I really want to know because I don't know if he's still embarrassed, or is thinking about our relationship and I'm really worried. I also told him that this is affecting both of us and said that I feel very alone, abandoned, and confused about us. He seemed to then turn it around on me and said he's "sorry I feel alone and abandoned, considering I'm the one who walked away." I didn't "walk away" after "the talk," I went home so we would both have time to process things because the conversation wasn't going anywhere after the initial shock. So he wrote back and said he wants to be alone and that he'll "need space and distance for some time."

I don't know if I have no right, but I feel like he's being very unfair to me. Skirt or no skirt, he's still my boyfriend and my partner, and I feel he should be just as supportive of me as I've been to him. I've told him I accept him, I still want to be with him, I love him, I forgive him, and not to be ashamed of himself. He hasn't said one comforting word to me in the last day and I'm miserable. He even ignored my call tonight when I finally broke down and called because I couldn't take it anymore. I need him the most right now and he's pushing me away. I understand how he must be feeling, but I'm feeling pretty awful myself. I'm just very angry that he's abandoned me. He wants his space, so he gets it...I need him and I get nothing. I have to depend on strangers (who have turned out to be amazing strangers-thank you again) to get through this...and I'm very hurt by it. I've decided to not speak to him until he eventually comes back to me because I don't want to make it worse, but I'm heartbroken that I'm left to heal on my own.

[Eryn]

Well, if he doesn't start talking to you he's making a bad decision. He has, right now, what many on this forum would consider to be miraculous, an accepting SO. He had better get his head on straight and recognize that before his chance goes away!

I have no idea what might be going on inside his head. He may have some inner demons that I don't understand. Hopefully he's soon recognize that those demons are best confronted with someone else than alone.

[Tina Leigh]

Oh well not any defense of him but some perspective. He has never trusted this to someone who is not part of it before they knew him. He is as scared of what he is, maybe, or is ,not as you have been. The first time you tell some one you wait for the world to stop, for days. you would be amazed at how much chatter in the world focuses on TG, CD, DRAG and all the variations and how much you see people react. And you think thats them reacting to you! he is in shock he just declared something not by choice but by defence and out of hope and fear. Now he does not know how to own it, many of us do not. To find out at any point in your life that something you would have avoided or not been close too is like sugar candy and instantly you are on the other side of the looking glass. he is scared. He like a lot of us started one day what was fun or entertainig and now it is part of hm and it is worse than a tail or horn. It has no precedent and it feels soo big and soo dark to him especially if he has not openly explored it and found his comfort place. This is a journey, one you may make with him or one he make alone. while you are on a cliff looking at a narrow swinging bridge to cross, he already knows you could turn back as most. many do and he will cross, no choice he is there whatever there is. knowledge, arm yourself and he with insight ,read, with him if you can. He entered this wonderful world through the "sexual pleasing your past partner" door, now he and you neeed to see the room and all the variety of nice normal loving caring people in it. For many sex is sex and being in girl mode is separate and some not so much. Point is do not assume he knows more than you. Girls are emotional and boys are experiecial (sp) and now he is out of his knowledge base. not many hetero males have a clue what entering TG,CD world means in terms of who we are and what we are. He should call you, you should screem bloody hell that even as a friend you both were on the same place when this happened. Beware of agendas and beware of "how it has to be scenarios",, you and he are unique know your current limits and communicate, listen and hear him, he will be more scared unfamiliar. and remember virtual behavior is one thing like beer bottle courage and genus, seldom do they change who good people are and seldom do they give lasting understanding comfort and care like real relationships do. Good luck remember yourself and him then the two of you together.

[Kaitlyn26]

Sounds like it's over. You snooped through his things, and then walked out. Sorry to be blunt but that's what he's thinking. "Never go looking, because you might just find something" more words to live by.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Hayley, to the crossdressers.com community.

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough patch because of what you discovered, but the fact that you came here to try to understand shows what an exceptional person you really are.

You have already had a lot of advice, much of it I feel is good, but it does seem from your later posts that his male defence mechanisms have kicked in and that he is blaming you for what you found out. I truly hope that he gets past this and can allow you back into his life. If this does happen, then I hope that you can discuss what happened and each listen to the other person's feelings.

I will not blame you for having a strong reaction to what must at first sight have looked like a betrayal of your relationship, but again, let me remind you that your reaction in trying to understand proves what a great person you are and speaks volumes about your love for him.

Perhaps you can follow Reine's suggestion, give him a couple more days then suggest getting together for something you have enjoyed together from time to time over the last few months.

[HayleyGG]

Sounds like it's over. You snooped through his things, and then walked out. Sorry to be blunt but that's what he's thinking. "Never go looking, because you might just find something" more words to live by.

Wow, that was incredibly mean and unsupportive. I appreciate your opinion, but I'm pretty sure you don't know him or what he's thinking. As I clearly explained, I wasn't "snooping," his browser history from that day popped up when I clicked the address bar to type my school website in to entertain myself while he was sleeping. I do not go through his things, I'm not a psycho bitch. I specifically don't go through his things because I don't want to find something innocent that I feel looks suspicious and have to go through the turmoil of wondering, then accusing, then have him think I don't trust him. That was the absolute worst day of our relationship, and I wouldn't wish what happened to either of us on anyone.

And as I also clearly explained, I didn't "walk out" on him. We had a full discussion, he expressed how incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed he is talking about it, and then our conversation reached a standstill. I could tell that he was becoming increasingly embarrassed and frustrated, and I didn't want an argument to erupt on top of everything that had just happened. I made the adult decision to leave, not angrily or dramatically, so that we could both sort our heads out after what just occurred. There was no further discussion that we could partake in at the time, and there was no way that we were going to have a normal night in together and pretend our worlds were not just flipped upside down. I'm not sure what you think I should have done if it was not to leave and give us both time to cool down, but I'm sorry if you feel I did the wrong thing. I have never experienced ANYTHING like this, so I've handled it to the best of my ability.

If you feel that my relationship is probably over because I accidentally found something, talked to him like an adult without making him feel more ashamed, gave him space, continued telling him supporting things like that I still love him, still want to be with him, and to not feel like a freak, spent hours and hours on the web trying to understand what he's going through and how we can get through it together, spent more hours on this forum digesting every piece of advice I've been given and talking to strangers because he's not supporting me right now, spent the last 3 days hardly eating or sleeping because I'm so upset about the pain someone I love is in and where my relationship lies, and didn't freak out, call him a fairy, then break up with him, then you're right, I deserve to be dumped. And furthermore, I deserve someone else who appreciates the aforementioned if he does dump me.

Thank you for your reply.

[Kaitlyn26]

To him, you were snooping. I didn't say that's what happened, I said that's what he's thinking. No one said you deserve anything. I'm just telling you my best guess as to what he's thinking right now, and why he isn't supporting you. If you want to know what he's thinking, I'd suggest you listen to someone that's been in the exact situation before, and listen to Reine as to what to do about it. When I put that part of me in the trash, for the woman I loved, I meant it. He probably did as well.

As far as you not eating or sleeping, I've been there too. You really need to listen to Reine, and keep living your life. Living like that is not going to help the situation. Do you have a girl friend that you can talk to, maybe do something with?

[paulaloha]

I don't know if girls work this way, but with several of my guy friends I can simply call them up and say hey man, i'm going through some serious stuff right now and I just need to hang out and not be alone. I don't want to talk about anything but are you free to just hang out?

Just being with someone and doing something fun can be a great relief!

So maybe calling a good girl friend to hang out would be good for you.

I hope things get better for you really soon!

[HayleyGG]

Well, there's no one in my life that I can talk to about this, I'm giving him that much respect...but I talked to someone from here on the phone tonight and it helped a lot. I'm still very depressed, but I just need to wait it out. I just sent him a couple emails with some research I did, and this thread because I think it will help him sort his own head out, so I'm just waiting. We had plans this weekend, but I assumed they're canceled. Not my choice, so I'm pretty bummed out. I'm doing all of the listening I can, he just needs to get his shit together and come back to me because he's the one putting this relationship in a standstill.

[paulaloha]

Perhaps even if you don't talk to anyone about it, just spend time with another person around. My friends and I typically just play video games when we are going through crappy times, so there isn't really much talking.

But now that I say it, that really just seems like a guy thing to do.

Sorry for the bad suggestion in that case.