You do manly things because society forced you to do them? You do womanly things
because you are paying tribute to women who are definitely not like you? You have conveniently opted out of having any intrinsic gender characteristics, except your so-called masculine identity that doesn't spring from anything you can call your own. You must have skipped biology class while you were getting your superior education.
There are biological imperatives that drive most of our gender identification, expressions, and values. These imperatives are more powerful than anything society imposes on us. You can't cope with the mixed signals your body is giving you, that's why you deflect the main problem by blaming society for pushing you into your feminine behavior and why you blame women for pulling you into it.
The stress you are avoiding when you play dress-up is called biological gender sadness. The euphoria you feel is called biological gender happiness. If you were cisgender then your reactions would be reversed.
Welcome to your transgender reality. You can keep your diminished primary masculinity but it comes in the same package as your conspicuous subordinate femininity. If you still insist on hiding the truth then try changing your name as a tribute to your fake persona. Pick something more butch.
