The Lady or the Family?

[BRANDYJ]

I know Radar. I just did not want to push it since hockey to me, is like what blue jeans to Karen. But I still love her.
I once went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! (sorry Karen) LOL

[Lorileah]

Family is always important but ultimatums are never good. Life should not be an either/or. Happiness for all is the most important. Controlling someones life just makes things worse

[Connie D50]

If Family wasn't more imprtant the friend wouldn't have to ask he or she would be talking to Connie :-)

[Foxglove]

Family
Job
Just about everything else in my life
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.
.
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Crossdressing

Karren, you're the last person I'd want to start an argument with. I know better than that. Neither am I the sort of person who tries to tell others what they think. It's just that, well, um, er, it's like this: when somebody looks as good as you do, it's hard for me to believe that CDing is absolutely bottom of your list. Just the impression I have. Not trying to tell you what your life is like.

I thought Leslie Langford also gave a very good answer to this question.

My own answer will make it clear what my family relations have often been like. If certain members of my family were to ask me, "What's more important to you--CDing or family?", I'd turn it around on them and ask, "What's more important to you? My happiness, or your pushing me around and browbeating me and pressuring me and twisting me up in knots, trying to make me a carbon copy of you?"

[Silentpartner GG SO]

If someone close to you,who really knew all about you, such as your SO or a close friend or relative asked you straight out: "What is more important to you, the CDing or the family?", how would you answer such a question?

Leslie Langford I'm at a loss to know why, when this post was made by a person who I am assuming is a TG, you have you felt the need to reply in such a defensive way? I sense a real hostility towards wives/GG's in your post.

The original post asked "what is most important to you, CD'ing or the family" not "choose which you want - CD'ing or me"

I find it really sad to read such a hostile post - once again GG's are getting a lecture on how they should react despite the fact that throughout this whole thread not one GG has made a negative or "inflexible attitude" post! How can you expect us to be understanding, flexible and compromising when we get an unprovoked tongue lashing like that?

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]If you haven't read Leslie's reply, you should. She's already nailed this whole discussion down with a concise and well thought out answer. It just doesn't get any better than that, Leslie. Thanks so much.[/SIZE]

[Silentpartner GG SO]

"OK.....erm........Can we do the Does My Bum Look Fat one again instead?"

To the original poster. That isn't a proper question. That's a question a woman asks with a meat clever in one hand and eyes that don't quite point in the same direction. "What is more important? Our wedding anniversary or the super bowl?" "What is more important. Your daughter's first communion or darts night?"
and so on.

Yeah Scarlet, I like the "does my bum look big in this" one much better! lol

[sissystephanie]

Since I dress enfemme purely for pleasure, I would definitely say my family without any question!! I am a widower, with 2 wonderful children and 5 grandchildren counting grandaughter-in-laws!! They are all much more important to me than dressing enfemme ever will be. And FYI, I have been dressing for almost 70 years!!

[Karren H]

Thank You Brandyj;
You are correct, except just below cross-dressing, goes Playing Hokey.

Rader

Can't believe I forgot to put hockey down. Guess its because I only have 2 games this month... It would go just above crossdressing on my "have to list". And just below family on my "want to list". Lol.

[Kaz]

I know this could become one of those deep philosophical questions but this really is a no-brainer for me. My first commitment is to my family and that is it. It is how I have lived my life and when I see my 5 year old grandaughter this weekend it all makes sense. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now the deeper questions about their accepting Kaz is not explicit in the OP question for me, although Leslie's response was great. I have chosen a path of not requiring them to know about or accept my CD side. It may have been a bad choice. But on Sunday, when we have her for the day... I will be the happiest person around. And the choice is... family or CD. Would I wish these guys out of my life just so I can wear a skirt?

Hmm... I don't think so!

[Leslie Langford]

Leslie Langford I'm at a loss to know why, when this post was made by a person who I am assuming is a TG, you have you felt the need to reply in such a defensive way? I sense a real hostility towards wives/GG's in your post.

The original post asked "what is most important to you, CD'ing or the family" not "choose which you want - CD'ing or me"

I find it really sad to read such a hostile post - once again GG's are getting a lecture on how they should react despite the fact that throughout this whole thread not one GG has made a negative or "inflexible attitude" post! How can you expect us to be understanding, flexible and compromising when we get an unprovoked tongue lashing like that?

Well, the way I see it, Silentpartner, Abigail threw a very general question out there to see what kind of a response it would attract, and I happened to interpret it in my own particular way.

Actually, it is a rather loaded question along the lines of "Does this make my butt look fat" as Scarlet Rose alluded to, and as we all know, anyone answering such a question with total honesty does so at their own peril.

I'm sorry if you find that my post sounds hostile towards GG's, but I'm the type who calls 'em as I see 'em, and I think that I speak for most other forum members here who are locked into this kind of dance with their non- or barely-accepting/tolerant SO's.

I would surmise from the subliminal message projected by your screen name here i.e. Silentpartner (with the emphasis on the Silent part) that you are the type of SO who is accommodating and non-confrontational with regard to your partner's crossdressing. That is not the reality for many other members here, a lot of whom find that their wives use their guilt and shame over their crossdressing to try to manipulate and control them - sometimes even to the point of being bullies about it to get their way and define the relationship on their own terms.

So within that context, the question of whether the crossdresser would be inclined to chose either his family or his crossdressing over the other falls into the realm of manipulation as far as I am concerned. It is also an unfair question, because unless the issue of the male partner's crossdressing is being used as the basis of a power struggle between the two and constitutes a red herring that masks other, more fundamental problems in the relationship, then there are other ways to address this concern.

And that other way - to my mind - is a mutually agreeable compromise wherein both partner's needs are addressed equally and in a respectful manner.

[NicoleScott]

Reading through the posts, I was going to offer a brief response. Then I read Leslie Langford's post and decided that I could not say it better. My jaw dropped when I read that silentpartner (brandishing pitchfork and torch - didn't get the memo) saw Leslie's post as hostile. Wow.
Something I learned long ago: don't ask questions you really don't want an answer to. Same thing with an ultimatum: don't give someone a choice you don't want him to take.

[Chrisnel]

Firstly, I have to wonder who would ask such a question and secondly, even if I could give up dressing, that's only the outward manifestation of the beautiful woman I am inside. I could just as soon stop the sun in its flight as make her go away.

[AnitaH]

Wendy Marie summed it up for me. Before I married my wife I told her about my CD activities and it was understood that it was stopping. Many years of stopping, purging, suppression, and guilt took its toll. I became just a shell of a person, numb, unfeeling and uncaring. I had no idea who I was and was just existing from one day to the next. If my wife hadn't insisted on therapy 3 years ago, it's likely that I wouldn't be here now, I'm sure suicide wasn't far off.

My family is very important to me but I am tans-gendered and perhaps transsexual. I didn't ask for it but it is who I am and I cannot stop being me. I tried that and I cannot, will not ever go back there again. I'd rather have them rip an arm off.

My wife has been more supportive than I expected but it is difficult for her. She does understand that this is a part of who I am. I don't yet know how far down this road I am going and she doesn't know how far she can go. There is a real possibility that if I travel too far down this road (considering transition) that it could have a huge cost to me. But I'm sure most people would agree that a live femme me is far better than a dead drab me.

AnitaH

[Jacqueline Winona]

Family 1st, then horses, then sports, then dressing. Not always what I want, but it isn't all bad either.

[cdsara]

So my wife posted this querstion to me, her or the dressing. stop completely! What would you do?

[Flent]

What are her objections to the dressing?

[sandra-leigh]

I've had my Year From Hell of being severely depressed (call it a "mental breakdown" and you wouldn't be too far off.) In the years of recovery from that, I discovered that I am transgendered, and acting on that has allowed me to live again. For me to go back to "male" would be to go back to that living hell of being no use to anyone at all, laying on the couch unable to complete thoughts more complicated than "I'm really sick". Bad enough that I couldn't even look more than 10 feet ahead -- too much information, too complicated for me.

Would you willingly sever your higher brain functions and become a virtual animal just because your family asked it? If not, then why not -- don't you love them enough?

I can't go back to the way things were. It is no real choice for me.

Note: I am only talking about the situation for me personally, not making a general statement.

[WsprsOnTheWind]

My answer is a no brainer. My family. Or more directly, my one and only SO. She's about all the family I have.
Beth, I liked your response to your wife's question. I have not been asked that question by my SO, but we find a happy balance for the both of us.

Brandy, as usual your posts are insightful and very uplifting to read. They give me hope.

I would add that the answer to the OP's question is going to depend on the level of selfishness of the individual(s).

[Miranda-E]

So my wife posted this querstion to me, her or the dressing. stop completely! What would you do?

I'd find a new SO because I'd obviously picked the wrong one.

[SweetPea_GG]

I'm sorry if you find that my post sounds hostile towards GG's, but I'm the type who calls 'em as I see 'em, and I think that I speak for most other forum members here who are locked into this kind of dance with their non- or barely-accepting/tolerant SO's.

I would surmise from the subliminal message projected by your screen name here i.e. Silentpartner (with the emphasis on the Silent part) that you are the type of SO who is accommodating and non-confrontational with regard to your partner's crossdressing. That is not the reality for many other members here, a lot of whom find that their wives use their guilt and shame over their crossdressing to try to manipulate and control them - sometimes even to the point of being bullies about it to get their way and define the relationship on their own terms.

So within that context, the question of whether the crossdresser would be inclined to chose either his family or his crossdressing over the other falls into the realm of manipulation as far as I am concerned. It is also an unfair question, because unless the issue of the male partner's crossdressing is being used as the basis of a power struggle between the two and constitutes a red herring that masks other, more fundamental problems in the relationship, then there are other ways to address this concern.

And that other way - to my mind - is a mutually agreeable compromise wherein both partner's needs are addressed equally and in a respectful manner.

*finds my pitchfork and torch* lol.. anyways to start off the OP question was asking what is "more important" (as in on your priorities list where does CD or family fall).. the question was NOT asking if you would CHOOSE family before CDing or CDing before family.. so maybe when you read it in that aspect or view things might become more clear when a GG is wondering why such a winded response which is kinda on the topic but not quite cause the post was more about "choosing" and not as in "priority"

That being said ofcourse a GG is going to be upset if her CDing SO said well you cant make me choose which is more important to me thats not fair.. My belief is family first.. that is what is more important to me.. they are my life my blood my everything.. my husband is my everything.. If your family (SO) cant be more important then a skirt then there is a problem I think.. Many many times I hear you all say "I dont see what her problem is.. its ONLY CLOTHES".... then if its only clothes for you then it should be easy to put your family first on your list of priorities right?.. I know there are some where it goes much deeper then clothing.. and thats when you need to sit down with your SO and have a big long talk and figure out where your own priorities fall at..

As far as forum members being "Locked into this kind of dance with their non or barley accepting SOs... they arnt locked into anything its a choice they make to stay.. It was the choice they made when they decided to enter a relationship with their secret.. and years later their SO finding out or them telling their SO...

So again ill end with what the OP poster said.. they asked "What is more important"... they did not say "choose between the 2"..

[Rachel Morley]

IMHO it's the 51% rule. If you are in a relationship and you put the other person's wishes ahead of your own at least 51% of the time then your relationship will probably last and you will live (for the most part) in harmony. Give more than you take. :2c:

[Jenny Green]

Family. That's why no one will ever ask me this question, because I'm in the closet to protect my family.

[Melody Phillips]

My family. I will always put them before my own needs,wants and desires.

[Kate Simmons]

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses. In my own case, the family was always first and foremost, especially when my children were growing up. Once they left the nest things changed and due to several reasons my wife and I grew apart and my focus shifted. I definately have no regrets for putting the family first and am a Father, fist, last and always.