Oh No, it's a trap!

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks so much and hugs for all the great feedback, that’s what I’m here for. And I certainly don’t take offense to any of it, especially if it’s direct and honest. No need to back off. And sometimes I do wonder if I have a stable mind. My post was meant to be humorous in part, even though my dilemma is real. As with lots of CDs, I incorrectly assumed when I got married that I would no longer need this. I had no way of knowing that 23 years later this would still be that important. Remember, 1989 was still before forums like this, or the internet, or Dr. Phil, and a show like Glee would have been impossible to air. I have kept it low key for most of the marriage, don’t have closets full of clothes and have never gone out in public as her.

My wife does know that I’m into some crazy stuff, but no details. She admits she knew I was weird when we got married, but didn’t know how weird. And that’s what frightens me the most. If it were something she was doing or into, I would want to know everything about it and research it on the internet and have long discussions. The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know. And I’m very afraid of tipping the boat over if things would have been better left alone. But lately I have learned so much more about Jayne and what she really means to me. Things my wife couldn’t know, because I have only learned them in the last few months myself.

So if you think about it, Jayne has been locked in a closet for 50 years. I’ve lied to her, lied about her. I tried to pretend she doesn’t exist and put all her things in a storage locker where she can’t get to them. I only learned her name last year after having a 50 year relationship with her, and I’m married to another woman! If it were me, I would be a little testy too, if not a complete scheming, conniving, psycho b***h! And she’s given me an ultimatum. Bring her out of the closet, or leave her in there the rest of my life. Both scenarios have potentially treacherous pitfalls. Only problem is, once her fat behind is out, I will never be able to shove it back in. So you think I might be a little unstable? And since I am Jayne, and Jayne is me, then yes, I have baited and set my own trap.

Thanks again and btw, I’m not an engineer. Wish I was, my career path may have been much better.

[Kerigirl2009]

You are doing right by thinking about the consequences for your wife and for you before you drop this bombshell on her and your marriage.
You pretty much described what my life is like since I told my wife on that fateful evening. I have tried to stuff that jenie back into pandoras box and throw the key away but my wife cant seem to locate the damn genie bottle.

If I was you I would continue to figure out if it is a move you want to burden her with and why you want to tell her after 23years of marriage. For me it was 15 years of marriage and I was tired of hiding this side of my life which my wife thinks of as lying. My wife still wants to know why I told her. Oh and almost three years later she has no intention of ever seeing Keri.
Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.

[Robyn2749]

Jayne,
I'm a GG and the long time wife of a wonderful guy - who also happens to be a CDer. S/he just told me about it a year ago. I actually had been clueless. That's probably because s/he didn't really realize it herself. My initial reaction was shock, dismay, anger and fear that I'd lost my husband. It took several months and several hurt feelings (both his and mine) for me to realize I still had my man. I just now know another dimension of him.

You say your wife doesn't seem to be interested in finding out because she doesn't ask questions. Maybe she's afraid to. I was initially afraid that my husband was admitting to be gay. One of my female friends had just gone through a nasty divorce because her husband had finally given into the fact that he preferred males. I knew how much it hurt her and thought that was the path I was going too. I didn't want to talk about it or learn about it or anything until I realized that I probably was going to lose my husband if I kept up the way I was.

Someone else said it earlier... when you talk to her you really have to be supportive as her man. You can't make it all about you and finally letting the "Jayne" part of you come out.

All that said, good luck. And, BTW, it's fun to have someone to go shopping with!
Robyn

[busker]

Thanks so much and hugs for all the great feedback, that’s what I’m here for. And I certainly don’t take offense to any of it, especially if it’s direct and honest. No need to back off. And sometimes I do wonder if I have a stable mind. My post was meant to be humorous in part, even though my dilemma is real. As with lots of CDs, I incorrectly assumed when I got married that I would no longer need this. I had no way of knowing that 23 years later this would still be that important. Remember, 1989 was still before forums like this, or the internet, or Dr. Phil, and a show like Glee would have been impossible to air. I have kept it low key for most of the marriage, don’t have closets full of clothes and have never gone out in public as her.

My wife does know that I’m into some crazy stuff, but no details. She admits she knew I was weird when we got married, but didn’t know how weird. And that’s what frightens me the most. If it were something she was doing or into, I would want to know everything about it and research it on the internet and have long discussions. The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know. And I’m very afraid of tipping the boat over if things would have been better left alone. But lately I have learned so much more about Jayne and what she really means to me. Things my wife couldn’t know, because I have only learned them in the last few months myself.

So if you think about it, Jayne has been locked in a closet for 50 years. I’ve lied to her, lied about her. I tried to pretend she doesn’t exist and put all her things in a storage locker where she can’t get to them. I only learned her name last year after having a 50 year relationship with her, and I’m married to another woman! If it were me, I would be a little testy too, if not a complete scheming, conniving, psycho b***h! And she’s given me an ultimatum. Bring her out of the closet, or leave her in there the rest of my life. Both scenarios have potentially treacherous pitfalls. Only problem is, once her fat behind is out, I will never be able to shove it back in. So you think I might be a little unstable? And since I am Jayne, and Jayne is me, then yes, I have baited and set my own trap.

Thanks again and btw, I’m not an engineer. Wish I was, my career path may have been much better.

Jayne, this sounds to me as though you might want to figure out FIRST whether you are just a crossdresser or perhaps you have a notion of being TS. The way you phrase this sounds to me that there is more than a "passing fancy" with cross dressing. Does your wife in fact, have the possibility of losing you? are you aiming at some transition? If you see yourself as a woman distinct from you make side, your wife may well end up in a menage a trois and find herself competing with jayne, and that I think will leave you as a loser in the battle for your wife. 50 years of dealing with a hidden side of you seems to me to have more weight than "honey, guess what, I like to wear ladies clothes as a hobby."
She will want to know why this other side is so needy and what part of you she has actually married. did she marry Jayne or who? Cassandra could reveal the future, but her curse was that no one would heed her warnings. You may well think she will be alright with this but as has been mentioned in these posts, she may NOT WANT to hear this story of your other side. Have you thought of a gender therapist? Going to one would give you some leverage if and when you tell her. You can say you have tried to deal with this to no avail if it comes to that, but now you need to share your story and life in a different way with her.
Best wishes to you--this must be very difficult, in the same way being a bomb defuser is difficult.

[Laura912]

My closet lasted longer than your closet..nynah, nynah, nynah. Humor will help. Good luck and let us know if you will, please.

[sissystephanie]

Maybe I do need to backoff a little, but I was raised to tell the truth, and I still try to do that. There are many CD's on this forum who think that they can keep things hidden from their wives, especially their CD'ing!! That may work for some time, but sooner or later she will find out. The longer you keep it hidden, the worse it will be when she does find out.

Jayne has indicated that she already has a lot of ideas about how things should be. That certainly sounds as though the feminine side is makeing the decisions, and not the male side. When you are married, and love your wife, your decisions as a male should always come first!!

[Miriam-J]

Jayne,

It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. I also hid this secret from a wife for over 20 years with the same assumption that she wouldn't accept it, I can certainly appreciate it. Perhaps a less than direct approach would actually work out better.

First, account for what you assume will be her biggest worries and the misconceptions that might amplify those worries. If you think she might be worried that your dressing is a sign that you're gay, start first with a discussion about a third person and how you had to learn yourself that one had nothing to do with the other. If she might be worried that you want to do this full-time, discuss someone else who was able to find their balance. You certainly have enough examples on this site that you can discuss, though you won't need to tell her the source.

On a later occasion, bring up the subject of long-held secret desires that each of you might have. Perhaps she has some interests that she'd like to share with you. Reassure her first that none of your interests or hers could possibly change your love for her, but might add a bit of spice - something likely to be welcome after 23 years.

Perhaps on that occasion or on a later one, you'll be at the right moment to share your secret. Tell her you've long held a private habit that you thought would go away. You now realize that it's an important and permanent part of you, and with that realization it's important to share it with the woman you love. You feel driven to occasionally dress as a woman, but you're still very much a man and the husband she has always known. Once the shock has gone by, you might even point out the advantages that come with your "package". Perhaps your "fem package" includes greater sensitivity, freedom of expression, or a love of shopping. Whatever it is, she might find something good in it.

Keep Jayne out of this! But I think you know that already.

Anyway, just another view from the audience. I hope that whatever you do works for both of you.

Miriam

[BRANDYJ]

[FONT=Tahoma] The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know.

Have you even considered that the reason she never says anything about what she sort of knows is fear? Fear that she will upset you, or fear you might be bi or gay? (typical beliefs of those that know nothing about CD's) Maybe she has been waiting for you to bring it up. Just like you wish she'd bring it up. Seems we need to get a line of communication going between the two of you.

[Flent]

As some one still new to this site, my first impressions are still lingering. I admit I thought it sounded pretty weird at first to hear people talking about their feminine side as if it were a separate person. Now that I've read about it, I can see that it's not crazy, just a way to learn to handle a part of oneself. But I do think it's one of those things that's accepted in this community because people understand it and know what you mean, but if you start telling your wife about Jayne as almost a separate entity, she may think you are having mental issues. You'll want to give your wife the best possible impression, and I'm a little worried for you based on how you've phrased things. Remember she's new to this, be gentle and try to put it in terms she will understand. Maybe try not to refer to Jayne as "she", at least until your wife understands the basics first.

[FurPus63]

Jayne,
First of all you're a brave person for deciding to do this.I agree with the women here who are telling you to tell her. I think at this point it's inevitable. I just hope you have a better end result than I did. Although I have to admit, I'm not all that sad/depressed or upset that it's turned out the way it has; because I'm actually happier than I've ever been in my life. I'll more to you privately for the details, but I'm here to say that if I've learned anything from my experience, I've learned that I want to be a woman full-time and am transitioning. I also learned that it's not as bad as I imagined it would be and I'm having the time of my life!

Good luck you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Paulette

[Crysten]

My wife was ok with it for years. Then, BANG, outta here. Guaranteed it was because of the dressing, although she never actually said so. I think she had gotten tired/sick of it the last few years, and it affected our whole marriage. So, I guess the lesson is, people change over time. If she really won't accept it at all, then don't come out to her. Even if she seems to *sort of* be ok with it, she may be lying to herself. Eventually, she'll leave. That's the truth.

[JamieG]

Just my 2 cents: There is no way to to know what will happen, but telling will always lead to better outcomes than being discovered. This seems to be eating you up now, and, unless you're a very good actor, your wife probably suspects that something is bothering you. When you tell her make sure she knows that you are telling her because you love her and don't want to keep secrets from her. Tell her that you only kept the secret this long because you didn't truly understand or accept it yourself. Her trust in you is likely to be broken, but it can be rebuilt, if the two of you are willing to work together. When she struggles with this, empathize with her. I wish you luck!

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks again so much to everyone that put in their 2 cents worth. I can tell many of you gave this a lot of thought, and your insights are extremely valuable to me, both for and against coming out. I still haven’t decided what to do, but if/when I do, I will be using many of the suggestions that you have given me here.

Just to clarify, I am not TG, I do not want to become a woman. I like being a guy and don’t want to lose that part of me. But the correct terminology is bi-gender, meaning I have discovered that parts of my personality identify with those of a woman as well as a man. I truly love my wife and would be very sad if we were no longer together. She is the most important thing here. I purposely presented Jayne as a 3rd person in order to emphasize the dilemma that is raging in my brain, and to try to bring a little humor to the situation. I am very much in control, and she is just another part of the real me. The realization of that in the last few months has made me understand this is not just a hobby, but part of who I have always been. And I would love to share that part with my wife. But that will have to be her decision to make. I’ll let everyone know what happens if and when…….

Jayne

[Jessica86]

I think one thing that needs to be brought up is this. If you tell her, you stand a chance at destroying, or severely improving this relationship. Even though you have hidden it for 23 years, if she finds out tomorrow on her own....you are definately looking at a destroyed relationship. Which chance do you want to take?

[suspender]

It depends on the relationship. I came out after a about 20 years and following years of shaped eyebrows, shaved legs and other personal changes. be prepared to explain heaps at first and allow the dust to settle. its the best thing i have ever done, but the femme only comes out in the company of the partner under conditions or she allows me to have the opportunity on my own as often as i like. trust and elaboration/explanation goes a long way. i do not post often here but have been here as long as some of the most senior members who inspired me in the early days to get on with it. i have seen some good and bad experiences from members that have come out. no one can predict what each situation will result in, and it depends on the personalities of those involved. trust and communication goes a long way along with preparation prior to revelation. i am so glad i went through it and feel that it has helped me in my crossdressing development, right down to my partner giving me advice in certain areas..

[Frédérique]

And at best, I begin to wish that I could just go back to a time before I came out and put the genie back in the bottle. And isn’t it always the mistress that becomes the biggest loser in these situations and ends up crushed and all alone?

[SIZE="2"]Yes, and that is why I chose to keep my secrets just that – SECRETS! Take it from me, you can never go back from whence you came, and you will be forever admonishing yourself thusly: “Why oh why did I divulge my precious secret? I was so happy back then...” You are responsible for your own happiness, so think of yourself (or your “mistress,” in your case) ALWAYS. You’ll be glad you did, in fact it may be wise to stay in the bottle and age your "self" to perfection! Repeat after me: “YES, MISTRESS!!!”

BTW, I LOVE traps! [/SIZE]

[Aloha Jayne]

So just an update. Sunday, March 11, 2012 is the day I came out. I felt like a teenage boy telling his parents he's gay. Everything went as I thought it would, and I could have written the script. I had rehearsed what I wanted to say so many times in my head that I could say it without thinking about it. She has been concerned that I haven't been taking care of myself. So I used that as a lead in. "What if I told you that the reason I don't care about myself is because I can't talk to you?" I'm not sure if that was fair or not, but it gave her the hope that maybe she would get what she wanted out of this too. I assured her that I would always love her no matter what, and I never wanted to not be together.

Her reaction was exactly as I knew it would be. I've read so many posts here and have heard them all. And I know her very well. --- Our marriage has been a lie. If I was stronger I wouldn't need this. I should have told her before we got married. This is just the latest crazy thing that has popped into my head, and dwelling on it is making it seem real. --- I calmly answered all of her concerns. I cried when I told her about how long I have wanted to tell someone, and how crazy this has made me feel my whole life.

She doesn't know how she feels just yet. This is all new to her. The only thing I had wrong was that she wasn't suspicious. She had no idea. I guess I'm a better sneak than I thought. So I told her to take all the time she needs. I will be here to answer any questions she has. But she hasn't left yet, so that is a good sign.

I had no choice but to hurt someone that means the world to me. I was faced with hurting her now, or keeping this secret until I die, which would be sooner rather than later if I couldn't be honest with her. But I am glad it is now out in the open, much better than being discovered and potentially hurting her even more in the future. But she will never accept this, much less come to a point where she can share it with me, and that makes me sad.

Thanks again for everyone’s input. It was a huge help.

[Miriam-J]

It's good that you shared your secret with her, Jayne, and that you're giving her some time to work through her feelings. As many have recommended on the other thread, I'm sure you'll continue to provide as much emotional support as you can. I'm sure your wife is now reviewing your history together for any signs that she missed - and perhaps coming up with a few that you'll have to address quietly and humbly.

Be ready to address the big fears: you're homosexual or bisexual, you want to become a woman, ... They'll come either as questions, statements, or even as accusations. No matter how they come, your response must be calm and loving.

I wish you all the best as you work through this, and hope that it makes your relationship stronger when it's all done.

Miriam