The thing I'd like to hear more about is what can your husband do at this point to make his gender expression more tolerable for you? You have talked about your own efforts to cope and accommodate, but from your perspective, how can he make it easier for you, and is there any way he could make the whole thing not just bearable, but actually pleasant and meaningful for you?
Also, your comments make it obvious there is a sexual element of this for him. That's just natural -- we're sexual creatures and there's no reason to expect the sex to turn off while he's dressed. The stuff you found on the computer is a phase many CDers go through, but imo the online thing is not appropriate for a married man, so I hope that together y'all can move him past that. He owes that to you. Just sayin', there's that to think about.
Finally, another very natural aspect to gender expression is the desire to, well, express -- to function and interact as a femme person. We are after all highly social creatures. However, the cultural stigma affects you too, not just him. So if this comes up you shouldn't be surprised or alarmed, but you have the right to expect him to conduct himself in a way that will not negatively affect your family. Can the two of you work together to address this need in a fun but responsible way?
Those are the things I thought of while I read your post. Thank you for reaching out. Your side of the story is a very important part of the equation. xoxo
