fights, arguments and etc.

[April Lyn]

For anyone who is out to their SO, newly or otherwise, I have a question that has been bothering me. How long does it take to stop feeling that every little agrument or fight has something to do with CDing? As you may have previously read from my other posts, I have been out to my wife for about three weeks now. This whole thing is still very new to my wife and im sure that she has'nt even proscessed it fully yet and so I feel like I may be overanalizing every little thing way too much. it is my greatest fear that she is going to decide that it is something that she just cant live with, though she hasnt said anything of the like, its just my own nerves working on me I believe. anyway, not to rant on, but has anyone else felt the same way?
- April :brolleyes:

[TheresaLynn]

I'd say, make sure you don't keep bringing it up, if that is what you are doing. Just chill and back off, three weeks is not a long time. Just be the person you were before you told her, so she realizes you are still the same person she fell in love with. She has her needs too.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Why are you worrying about something that hasnt happened and may never happen - take your wife at face value - if she isnt throwing it in your face then she is probably fine with it.

My OH & I have had arguments since he came out to me - I've not brought up the CD'ing in an argument - except when the argument was about buying stuff in secret - and that wasnt really an argument, more a discussion.

spend time being happy and loving your wife, not worrying about things that many never happen.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi April, The ball is kind of in her court now don't rush things remember baby steps work best.

[Wonderwho]

April, I have only been out to my wife for a month. All I could think about was that she was thinking about my CDing. She is not happy with it but has not freaked out eather. I came right out and ask her if she wanted to talk about this new thing that came into her life. Her response was " this is not the biggest hurdle that we will have to cross and that my CDing is not as important as the fact that I hide something so important in our lives from her for so long." Her feelings were hurt that I had lied about some things with the cloths.
It takes some time and your worst enemy is your own head. Show her a lot of love and give her some room. Be honest and by all means keep the line of communication open but don't force it.
My best to you and your wife, I know how hard this is, trust me on that front.

PM me if you need to talk.
Wonderwho

[Laura912]

The newness of the disclosure to your wife is causing you to constantly relate everything to your crossdressing. It is analogous to having a small pimple on your nose. You are aware of it and think that everyone who looks at you sees it. In reality, the majority of the people never notice but the phenomena is what keeps plastic surgeons in business.

[Tina B.]

Sorry April, but it's different with each case, no two women are a like. And only we can control how we hear what is said. I know I thought every little thing said was about IT, turns out it wasn't, it was about just what see was hollering about, but that's not the way I would take it. But plenty of asking, and lots of conversation, when it's welcome, and time to adjust for both of you. She has to get use to this about you, and you have to get used to here knowing about it. Then if she can accept you, life returns to normal, a new normal to be sure. If she never learns to accept it, that will also come out with time. But it seems like most of the time, if they get past the initial shock, odds are in your favor.
Tina B.

[Kerigirl2009]

I am going on three years since I told her and I still feel like that because she won't talk about it when I know it bothers her.

I know it bothers her as she has had a couple blowups and freaked out, the last time she grabbed all my stuff out of my drawers and tossed them about the room while yelling at me that I was not trying. I kept my mouth shut while this happened. I cleaned up afterwards when she left. She did apologize for her actions but I am still waiting for her to acceptme for me as I am what I am.

I wish you and your SO the best of luck, my suggestion would be don't bring up specifics but let her know you are willing to answer any questions she may have. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Don't focus on the topic or try to figure out the underlying cause..you cant read minds and neither can she. Instead, think about how you can avoid turning a question or issue into an argument, small or large. People can get into bad communications habits thatcreate needless problems in a relationship.

[jillleanne]

Well, that can be a tough one for anyone to answer and actually know the real answer. I'll assume she is accepting of you since coming out? Here is my scenario which may or may not relate.
Been out and have an accepting/encouraging s/o now for about 10 years or so. I believe because of our total honesty to each other, we rarely if ever, have an argument. Sure we have our moments of frustration but never what I could describe as a full blown argument. We simply ignore each others 'bad day' attitude. Having said that, there were times when I would avoid dressing en femme, feeling it would just escalate the problem at hand. Would it have? No idea, but I was not about to test the waters, or encourage any negativity with regards to the situation. What any argument per say did do to me, and I remember well, is turn me totally off to dressing en femme for a spell. FEAR. I now suspect, looking back, the 'fear' was all created from years of hiding in the closet and losing that automated instinct was not a simple task; a task that probably will take a lifetime to acomplish. I lived with that fear(hiding) for about 40 years. Today I have no fear whatsoever because I accepted who I am and care not what others think/say/do.
So did the fact I am gender enhanced have any input into any arguments? No, not at all unless the argument was about the number of pairs of shoes I own. Never. BUT, it could have been brought up as a tool to cause insult to me; a way of getting to me, but in no way did it create any discussions. That is the misconception in our heads caused by that fear we lived with for so many years. Go slow and if you are unsure, ask her that same question when you have her on a really good day. The more you keep the lines of communication open and honest, the better she will learn to trust you more.

[Sandra1746]

Hi April, your arguments or feelings of anxiety over CD-ing are normal and, in time, will likely subside. Arguments can be triggered by any number of real issues, money, female (and male) hormones, you getting ahead of the 'program', and almost anything else. Your worst danger is to "assume" that every dispute is due to the CD issue, there are likely enough other issues in any life today to create frustration and trigger an argument. Responding in a harsh or defensive manner to an initial comment is not good either; sort of like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Take time and be patient.
Hugs and good luck,
Sandra1746

[Cheryl T]

As for the arguments...well, this may sound strange, but we don't have any. We never have had any.
The topic of my dressing never comes up as part of an argument. We've been able to discuss it fully and freely from the start and it's never evolved into an argument.

[Jenniferathome]

I came out a little more than one year ago. We talk about my crossdressing often or things related to cross dressing, like fashion (what i like, what she likes, etc...). While my wife and I don't argue much at all, prior to coming out, I found that I nit picked everything she said. I'd jump at the chance to prove her wrong about something. Now, it's just small stuff I don't even care about. To your primary question, how do you know it's not about crossdressing? Talk about THAT, frequently. If you do, no argument can be about CDing. That's the elephant in the room, don't allow any question she has to be hidden or fester. By the way, you can never,ever, be defensive or offended regardless of the question. You have a obligation to be the most objective about CDing. It's weird, she can't be expected to understand it, but through discussion she can become more comfortable.

I want to pass on just one example of being objective. When my wife asked me if I was gay, I found it funny that I thought it was odd that she'd ask me this. I mean of course I'm not gay. I'm married, we have kids, we have sex,etc. How can the fact that I like to wear a dress and heels possibly make her think I was gay!?!? The irony of that statement makes me laugh even today. Be objective. listen to every question and answer it honestly and most importantly, make sure you have no more secrets to tell. Good luck

[Jenniferathome]

Why are you worrying about something that hasnt happened and may never happen - take your wife at face value - if she isnt throwing it in your face then she is probably fine with it.

April, this comment struck a chord with me. When I have asked my wife what she thinks about my crossdressing, the usual answer is, "I don't think about it.". Meaning it never comes to her mind as relevant enough to think about. If she has a question she will ask and I still try to open that door now and again, but just like SP here, it's not on her mind. Now, the fact that you kept this a secret is very likely on her mind right now.

[GingerLeigh]

Is every fight CD related? Maybe not. Certainly there can be more stress in the relationship due to this new revelation. That said though, it may also be that there were other issues in the relationship before you revealed details of yourself. This could simply be the icing on the cake and a way for your SO to justify her argument. Whatever that may be.

If your love and respect for each other is strong and your relationship was on steady ground before you told her of your crossdressing, you have little to worry about and this is simply a blip on the radar. Try to be honest with her and give her time to figure out what your crossdressing means to you, your relationship, and to her. There is alot of fear and uncertainty when they discover this side of you. Assure her things are the same, just more open.

[MandyGG]

Take her word on it. If she is angry because you didn't do something she asked, like taking the garbage to the curb, then she is angry that you didn't take the trash out! Plain and simple. Don't read too much into it until she starts fighting about the CDing. You will know when a fight about it is happening. She will say it.

I know that we can pull the stupid crap of "I'm fine" when we're not, "It's nothing" when it is something, and such. But, the reason that happens sometimes is that we don't know exactly what we are feeling and cannot word it. We have to process things first. How can we tell you what we feel and want when we cant even figure it out ourselves.

Give her time. Dont push the issue until it is brought up. She will ask, or yell (which is sadly what I did the first 2 years) when she is ready to discuss it. Treat her exactly as you did before, except do it even better! Tell her you love her, touch her when you pass her in the hallway... Do things you did while dating. Make her comfortable, because if she is content she may not ever fight about it, knowing she is safe.

[Melissa_59]

When I came out, my ex wife swore that it would never be an issue, but every argument and fight we had (and they were numerous, which is one of many reasons she's an "ex" now) she would bring it up and use it against me. The topic never went away, whenever she got angry it would eventually boil down to "Well if you were not crossdressing, you'd... <insert something here>". That usually had me storming off because of the way I felt betrayed every time that came up. She was as reliable as a hungry shark whenever any arguments came up, she'd tie anything (dog died, property taxes went up, Bush getting re-elected, etc) to my crossdressing.

I'm so much happier now that I'm rid of her. No more head games.

[Karren H]

Based on my personal experience.... I think it will stop when one of you dies!

[MandyGG]

April, this comment struck a chord with me. When I have asked my wife what she thinks about my crossdressing, the usual answer is, "I don't think about it.". Meaning it never comes to her mind as relevant enough to think about. If she has a question she will ask and I still try to open that door now and again, but just like SP here, it's not on her mind. Now, the fact that you kept this a secret is very likely on her mind right now.

This is not me. I do think about it. I see anything on TV related to being dressed, I think of it. I thought about it quite often during the first 2 years. Sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes just because. But, like you said, it was the secrets and lies behind it that bothered me so much. So when I did think about it, it was those feelings that had me hurt. Now I just think about it because I am on this forum. Which is way better for me, because I have information that I didn't have before.

When I came out, my ex wife swore that it would never be an issue, but every argument and fight we had (and they were numerous, which is one of many reasons she's an "ex" now) she would bring it up and use it against me. The topic never went away, whenever she got angry it would eventually boil down to "Well if you were not crossdressing, you'd... <insert something here>". That usually had me storming off because of the way I felt betrayed every time that came up. She was as reliable as a hungry shark whenever any arguments came up, she'd tie anything (dog died, property taxes went up, Bush getting re-elected, etc) to my crossdressing.

I'm so much happier now that I'm rid of her. No more head games.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. How long did that go on before ending it?

Thankfully, my husband and I got through this, I did do it a couple times (about once every 6-8 months during 2 years) for a day or so, apologized repeatedly and then went quiet about it again. I didn't know what to ask or how to ask him about it, and I assumed the worst. Now I openly ask him whatever I want, get my answers, then move on. It's MUCH easier.

[Deanna Jeanine]

Based on my personal experience.... I think it will stop when one of you dies!

Or as in the case of wife #2....D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

As she told me.."If I wanted to be married to another woman I'd have married one!", so she left me and did just that!

[Melissa_59]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. How long did that go on before ending it?

Twenty-three years.

It wasn't just the arguments about crossdressing, there was a lot more going on that I won't get in to here. But I tried and tried and tried to fix the marriage, but it takes two to make a marriage.

And only one to break it.

Melissa

[Karren H]

Or as in the case of wife #2....D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

As she told me.."If I wanted to be married to another woman I'd have married one!", so she left me and did just that!

I figure that if my wife and I divorced that the arguements would stop.... She has a cell phone and isn't affraid to use it! Lol.

[MandyGG]

Twenty-three years.

HOLY CRAP! I am so sorry!!!

It wasn't just the arguments about crossdressing, there was a lot more going on that I won't get in to here. But I tried and tried and tried to fix the marriage, but it takes two to make a marriage.

And only one to break it.

You are so right on that one! Marriage is the hardest job, and it does take work from both. One alone cannot do it, or it becomes lopsided. Both have to take blame when something isn't working, otherwise it shows one was just not trying.

I figure that if my wife and I divorced that the arguements would stop.... She has a cell phone and isn't affraid to use it! Lol.

I just spit my drink! HA!

[Kate Simmons]

Crossdressing notwithstanding, the wise man never "wins" an argument with his SO. If you understand that, you are more of a woman than I am. The cartoon Katy Kaboom was just an illustration of what happens inside when emotions are involved and not resolved.

[Barbara Ella]

It is very hard not to worry about something that is so ingrained in yourself that could have a big impact on your marriage depending on what the wife is thinking about, and you have no way to know what they are thinking about. Try not to worry, but try to keep lines of communication open. If she is open to talking about it, avoid doing secret things and include her in what you do, and discuss what you might want to do. Right now my wife is in the dont tell me or show me anything about it. So I am back to hiding it. I believe this will change with time, but it is difficult when you cant talk. It gets confusing when we do the laundry, and she folds my things for me without a word, so I really dont quite know where she is at the moment, and I just keep it all on the downlow. Just make sure that at all times she knows how much you love her.