There is frequently an underlying bitterness among CDers in otherwise loving marriages when our wives do not understand our need to dress. In my case there is not even a willingness to try to understand what my wife regards as abhorrent behaviour and a deal breaker.Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs
This thread and the posts are all of keen interest to me as I come to terms with the future dealing with what seems a common situation. Many seem to wonder what life would be like out of the marriage and free to follow their heart.
Gillian’s comment relates to something my psychologist said to me that has helped me greatly in understanding my wife and reducing the bitterness I feel in having to deal with “my” problem (CDing) by myself. There is this constant frustration if my wife “totally loves” me, why won’t she at least try to understand this part of me.
As a child, my wife’s parents fought incessantly and she withdrew emotionally. She then was in a 20 year abusive marriage. The psychologist believes that she did not develop beyond the fourth stage of Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development, i.e. a focus on maintaining law and order by following the rules, doing one’s duty and respecting authority.
I therefore don't think my wife sets out to be controling but takes a rules based approach to what people think of her/us and the implications of non-normal behaviour. This has helped me understand her and reduced my bitterness. Of course, it doesn’t help resolve our/my situation and give me comfort about the future.
So do we have a situation of DADT? Does DADT require my wife to know that I dress but doesn’t talk about it? So I fit into Reine's category 1 (post #52) and Eryn's post. It is far from perfect but works for the present. There doesn't seem any hope though of changing her attitude by education and understanding.
Michelle
