How did you come to accept this about yourself?

[UNDERDRESSER]

I've only started accepting this in the last 2-3 years, and most of the ability to accept it has come from the help this forum has given me. Thank you all.

The point where it really started to seem something that I could embrace, was when i told my soon to be girlfriend about it, and she...just accepted it, totally. "Oh Cool!" was her actual response.

I'm in my 50s, and I've been doing this completely in the closet for 40 some years. Most of that time I was SO careful not to be found out, I didn't understand why i did this ( still don't entirely ) spent some time wondering if I was gay, decided I wasn't, but that just left me more confused, ( why the hell am I doing this? )

Now, I understand that it started as a fetish, and that I've developed a liking for the fit, feel, and look of some items of female clothing. Or what most people consider to be female clothing. At the moment, I don't think I'll be totally happy until I can go out in a skirt, I'll accept a kilt, but i want to be able to do it fairly often, so being able to wear a suitable skirt without major hassles would be better. ( Kilts are expensive! )

PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment. How you deal with the need is dependent on your own situation, and how those around you respond to knowing. A lot of us must stay firmly in the closet, some can come out in a strictly limited circle of friends or loved ones, or in certain specific places. The fact that you hide it, is the problem of society, not in you.

[Amanda_Robinson]

It is interesting that you ask this question I have just recently come to terms with it. It began with curiosity of "what do those clothes feel like" or "What would I look like with make-up on". I liked the feel of women's clothes and enjoyed making my face up but that embarassed me. My wife discovered a receipt for makeup in my pants one day while doing the laundry and I had to explain myself. She thought it was cute and was relieved that it was for me and not some other woman.
Rather than bore you with the details of the next several years I will say there were 2.5 purges (the last one I just deleted every photo I had taken) and a bunch of fear and embarassment about the way I am. Embarassed of course about being different and afraid of what might happen when the embarassment went away. Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it. So I retreated for several months. But now I am OK with it. I do not want to be a girl at all. In fact I enjoy being a man very much but the curiosity of "I wonder how that would look on me" still happens fairly regularly. It has taken quite a while but I am OK with that. Still a little embarassed about it but no more than I am about any of my other so-called imprefections. I think having such an awesome and loving wife has a lot to do with that.
~Amanda

[flatlander_48]

Not surprisingly, I guess I have a bit different slant on this...

The major hurdle for me was accepting what my view on sexuality was. Starting at 42, there was a lot of soul searching and thinking about what it all meant. As we all know, we get a ton of conditioning about how to be a man, the things that men are supposed to do and what we are supposed to feel (or more specifically, what we are NOT supposed to feel). So, when you start poking around with alternative ways of considering sexuality, you realize very quickly that you're in uncharted waters. All of this took quite a while to sort; lots of churning followed by lots of WTF's. Anyway, I was almost 50 by the time that I got around to sleeping with another man. For whatever reason, it didn't feel like a new experience. Rather, it felt like getting in touch with feelings from another time and place.

I started dressing at about age 55. Given how long the process was to sort out my sexuality, there wasn't much to crossdressing by comparison. I think that coming to understand that I was a bisexual opened the door, so to speak, to the notion of sexual minorities. I was used to thinking of myself in ways different from mainstream society, so it didn't seem like that big of a jump. And, even further, I have always thought of myself as "different" for whatever reason. Difference appeals to me whether it's how I look, the friends I choose, the car I drive or the things that I like to do for me. Crossdressing feeds that. It wasn't part of the original thought process, but it is like a windfall.

I think there are many things that make accepting ourselves difficult. I mentioned the conditioning, and that's a big hurdle. It's like setting down the rules. If you want to be a man (and why would you want to be anything else?), this is what you have to do. The role that we've been given is a very narrow line. Deviate from that line and people start to point fingers. So, contrasted with our role as men is the role of women. The problem is that if we sort of lean towards being "other than", it looks like it begins to encroach on the role of women. Note that they have also been conditioned to the role that they are supposed to play. So, if it looks like we're encroaching on them, what space is left? Because we have changed how we view ourselves, if has a pretty strong tickle-down effect for others.

[JaytoJillian]

Acceptance was not a very long road for me once I figured out this is a part of who I am. I was able to accept who I am largely in part due to 1)Discovering (through this site and others)that there are many people like me. 2)The wonderful feeling that I get from being Jillian. 3)The way I am treated when out in public--I assume that with whom everyone I come into contact knows, but people in general treat me very well when I am out en femme. 4) The realization that life is much too short to spend it living how someone else tells me to and that when I am in my last days, I want to look back and say, "no regrets."

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, after dressing for 65yrs. yes I've come to accept this part of my life I really enjoy my Orchid time.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Jillian, and Thanks Orchid! Seeing others who are happy gives me a lot of hope!

[Frédérique]

Was it hard to for you accept your crossdressing / like this about yourself? If it was, how'd you come to accept it?

For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud. I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question. This means I never thought crossdressing was a problem of any kind, rather it was (and still is) a highly enjoyable undertaking. In many ways the emotional environment I inherited gave rise to crossdressing – I’m somewhat isolated and shy, so let’s see what we can do with my limited resources of “self.”

It was wonderful to realize that you can do THIS, although any investigation into the whys and wherefores of crossdressing only spoils the mysterious beauty of it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s better to accept crossdressing, or your newly crossdressed self, and simply enjoy the pleasure that comes along for the ride. It’s not, “What am I doing?” it’s more like, “Oh, you’ve never met ME, have you?”

[PaulaQ]

[COLOR="black"]For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud.

I'm very happy for you. Yeah, my first reaction on seeing myself fully made up, in a wig, with breasts in the mirror was that I was seeing my actual face for the first time in my life.

I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question.

I'm sure this is part of my problem.

[kimdl93]

I wish I could say that self-acceptance was quick and easy for me, but it wasn't. It took decades and finally some skilled help from a competent psychologist, before I was able to shed the ingrained self loathing and realize that it was OK, not a crime, and even a positive. I'm hopeful that the present and future generations are less burdened by societally imposed and needless guilt.

[Joanne f]

The only way that you will know if it is something that you need for a new fix or if it is really part of you is time and in that time if you accept it then that is possibly telling you that it is part of you but at the moment you may be just experiencing the affect of catch-up time which might show it's self from the want/need to wear clothe's of a much younger age group from what you actually are although most like to try and look younger than we are .
One thing I can tell you with a certainty is that it is nothing like having a terminal cancer as you most definitely do not get a fix when you are told about that and the drugs you take will definitely not make you high if you think they do look up Cytotoxic drugs.

[Rachel Morley]

How did I come to accept this about myself? If you're like me then in the beginning despite the fact I was one of the lucky ones and have an accepting and encouraging wife I still had not accepted my dressing for myself. I used to feel very guilty and tell myself all the time that even though I love expressing myself this way "it's not exactly what guys are supposed to do" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior? If your CDing is not hurting anyone else, where's the harm? The way I look at it is; ultimately, we are all going to die. No one gets out of this thing called life alive. Are we going to spend the small insignificant time we have on this planet being nice to ourselves or are we going to give ourself emotional stress .... and then die?

It took me many, many late night long conversions (with my wife) soul searching and getting to the bottom of what is important to me, in my life. Once you get to that point, there is no guilt anymore. In other words, you have to "find yourself", you have to take a long look inside yourself and evaluate why you think the way you do about your CDing. You are an important person. There is nothing wrong with being happy, and there is nothing wrong if it's you yourself that makes you happy, and believe it or not, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that are normally associated with women .... even (or should I say especially?) if it makes you happy!

[PaulaQ]

I'll answer these inline

Over the years I have become more and more accepting of my way of life, such as appearing as a woman, in many Gay Pride Parades since 1974

Arlene - I respect you and appreciate where you are coming from. I've been in exactly one parade, though, and don't want to repeat it. (Not for this!) I hate being noticed.

Seek out others like us and meet them in a group setting. It may be that after you get to know others like us you will start to realize we are all just regular people after all.

I'm in a pretty isolated area, I think, but yes, almostalady, I think finding others to talk with in person would probably help me. I live in a pretty remote, rural area though. I'm not so sure it'll be easy to find a support group. But I'll look, I guess.

But, Paula, you are not your wife so is it fair to her to think you know what she will think? Have you actually talked with her exactly about the things you have listed? Maybe you feel cursed but is it possible that cursed is not quite the right word? Maybe different, maybe challenged?

Thanks Laura, no, I haven't talked to her yet. That will come. I need to be able to explain this - and hopefully sound postive first. I am not expecting a very positive response. I don't know this will end our marriage - it is really strong. It will be a gigantic issue though, of this I'm sure. And on top of everything else that's weird about me, this may be too much for her to handle.

I've been "different and challenged" my whole life. I'm just tired of it, I guess.

I was sitting around at a weekend music festival, with this new more open mind when I realized that this thing was not my "addiction" that I needed to cure it was me, I am she. I am comfortable with that knowledge now and at peace with it.

Thanks AnitaH. As a recovering person, the seemingly compulsive behavior I engage in terrifies me. I'm glad you found a way to no longer feel that way about it.

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

Thanks Michelle, I'm not going to go down the road of substance abuse. I've been sober for over 20 years. The feelings from this are somewhat similar though, and scare me to death. (Sneaking around, hiding stuff - this feels EXACTLY like what I used to do in the bad old days, and I hate it.)

Yeah, I know - I have pretty common problems. I'm just feeling badly about them. I'll eventually have to tell my wife. I'm having a lot of trouble imagining how I'll really come out and interact with the world. I feel like the two sides of my personality are waging all out war against one another. It isn't much fun.

I also worry that my physical issues make this a stupid and pointless exercise. For example, I could go out and buy and expensive bicycle, and be really enthusiastic about them. Unfortunately, I will never be able to ride one again. Part of me worries that this will be my situation with dressing too -compelled to do something I can't really succeed at, and that society doesn't accept, and that totally upturns my life as it is now. For what purpose?

PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment.

Thanks underdresser. Yeah, I need to learn to accept this in myself. I've at least gotten to the point where I've accepted it ABOUT myself. But trying to accept myself is hard. As far as abuse, ridicule - I am certain that memories of this from my childhood are scaring me about CD. I learned not to care much about what most people think. (Mostly, although this is hard sometimes.) Mostly I'm worried about losing the few people I actually do care about. I am terrified of that.

Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it.

Thanks Amanda. BTW, you look nice - if people are gawking, it's because you look good, I'm sure.

Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior?

Thaks Rachel. It's hard, though, to escape society's expectations, even if they are mostly arbitrary, cruel, and stupid. (And mostly they are - oh and how.) Look, I have always been different. Growing up handicapped, I have always been different from others. Growing up, lots of other kids made CERTAIN I was aware of this. BTW, I'm sure my gender issues contributed to this a little - although they really didn't need to go looking for something subtle like that, I was a pretty obvious target.

I'm having a hard time processing being any more "different" than I already was. I guess I know now that I was always this way, or at least have been for a really long time. But the great part about denying this is that you can PRETEND that it just isn't an issue. "Hey everybody, I may walk funny, but otherwise I'm 100% dude!" Yeah, well, ok, that was a total lie. So now that I'm facing up to that - I am having trouble accepting, or even understanding, who and what I am, or what in the hell I'm even doing, or why. This just seems really absurd.

I appreciate everyone's stories, comments, advice, admonishments, etc. I appreciate the forum for letting me vent. It is obvious to me that I need to find peace within myself about this. But I'm not there yet... (You will note that I didn't say "rid myself of this." Based on everything I've read, and my own personal experiences so far - this is vanishingly improbable.)

I'm also sorry my threads are, well, kind of a bummer. I obviously should've named myself "Nancy Negative" or "Debbie Downer"!

Hearing from ladies who've resolved this in their lives really does help.

[oliviall]

My story might be a little different than most... but I discovered Olivia in much the same way Max Eisenhardt discovered he was Magneto. Ok, that's a little over-dramatic, I was never in a concentration camp.

But she came out at a time when much of what we lose for who we are had already been lost -- and without the fear of loss, since the things to lose were already lost and could not be lost again, she has flourished, perhaps saved me.

And there have been many changes. I am more social, I get out more, I have things to be excited about. My ex-wife doesn't like me much but wants to go out with her, at least socially.

"May you live in interesting times" is meant to be a curse... be that as it may, its where I find myself now.

Olivia

[Barbara Ella]

Self Acceptance. These words can mean very different things to each and every one of us here. Quite a lot of it will have to do with the external situation, quite a lot. At 65 i realized i was a cross dresser, only 18 months ago now. It has gone quite a bit farther, but it began with the realization that I was, and this developed into an acceptance that I could live with it and work with it and enjoy it. It was not going to destroy my life as it was at that time. I was retired. Children were grown, Wife would not have to live with her dislike for a developing lifetime, and I could live with her limitations of people not knowing.

Younger people will have the extra burden of worry about the impact on their developing life and their accepting bringing many others into their circle; and they think this should impact their acceptance of themselves. I recognize this circumstance, but would hope that that would have little to do with one's internal acceptance of themselves, only on who else they wanted to open up to. Many feel this is a critical part of their acceptance. I do not. I accept me and who I am, and who I am becoming, and the external burdens are not part of self acceptance if I can live with myself. Right now I can. In the future i may not be able to, and at that point, my acceptance of myself may also depend on my living publicly. That will be a different situation, and right now has no impact on accepting myself today.

Today is important because it is. The future may or may not be, so why worry about it?

Barbara